with you, every day is saturday

Jan 09, 2006 18:23

its been almost a month and i hate when i do that.

i wish i had updated about everything over break, but i didnt, and this really is a break i want to remember.

first though, i know sarah reads this (im not sure how often though?) and i want to let you know that i am very very sorry i havent spent more time with you... i mean, i know at the beginning it was cause you were at school and i was in arizona, but ive been home since the 27th (minus vermont for a few days) and ive only seen you and jordan once... and im sorry. but luckily you two are my only friends besides pat really, so if i hurt you guys, then you're the only ones ive hurt. sorry if that came out wrong... im not very eloquent (yes, i looked that up to make sure i was using it correctly, after i originally said 'loquacious' and decided it was the wrong word.)

i dont even know where to begin though. i think maybe ill just blurt out anything that comes to mind, so just know that none of this is really chronological.

pat left to go skiing in killington vermont on dec. 30, and besides new years at jordans, i was miserable. going to jordans was the only time i left the house. all i wanted to do was sit around the house and wait for pat to return my calls. he kept his phone off for the most part because he was usually skiing for most of the day and only turned it on at night, and even then it was only some of the time. i couldnt sleep at night cause i thought he was out getting drunk with girls all around him and hooking up every night, and even when i could sleep i would wake up in tears.

he called me on jan. 3 at about 4:30 in the afternoon and told me everything was going pretty well, that he was doing an awesome job skiing for his first time (and had gone down a black diamond that day), except he wasnt very happy cause he missed me and had been talking to shawn (his dyke at VMI) about if i could come. and shawn had said he was fine with it. i bought 9:05 plane ticket for that night and got to the burlington vermont airport at 10:30 that night.

luckily right after pat had called me, he turned his phone off. i tried reaching him the whole night, trying to tell him i was coming, and then once i was there that i needed someone to come get me... and he never turned his phone on. i slept in the airport in 15-minute intervals, constantly waking up to see if he'd called and to make sure i still had all my stuff with me. it was awful.

in the morning i ended up calling pats mom and asking where they were staying and she said she didnt know, but shed try to figure it out. and hour later (7:00 am) i was calling a couple different ski resorts, trying to find him, and when i finally did he told me they were two hours from the airport but would pick me up soon.

he pulled up with his friend in his friends truck, and i met the first of the 8 guys who were staying in the two bedroom condo where i would soon be staying. his name is jame whicker, and he is one of the nicest guys i know, but he reallllly knows how to hit on girls when hes drunk. there was also john kennedy, who is also one of the nicest guys i know (but then, in all honesty, all the guys there could not have been nicer. VMI guys definitely know how to be not-jerks.) pat helped me ski, which i SUCK at, and we lived off of quesadillas and ramen, and for the three days i was there i think i made more and better friends than i have being at college.

pat and i flew back saturday afternoon from the boston airport (cause shawn, pats dyke, drove us back to his house on the night of jan 6. he lives in salem new hampshire) and watched the redskins-tampa bay game and the patriots-jaguars game while my family went out somewhere, and we ordered a bbq chicken pizza and just sat around theh ouse being lazy all day. i took him home that night and he asked me to stay, cause when i originally came home from arizona i stayed at his house every night since my family wasnt home yet, and i told him i thought i should just go home so we could get really well-rested instead of staying up all night watching movies and then falling asleep in weird, uncomfortable places. he agreed, but when i started driving away i seriously thought i was gonna cry.

i know all of this is badly written, but i am SERIOUSLY drugged right now from my wisdom teeth medicine, so just bare with me.

anyways, i drove home, got online, and pat told me he decided i should have stayed, and i agreed. i dont know what it is about him. hes the only person in the ENTIRE WORLD who i dont get sick of, ever. i mean, i spent three straight days with him in vermont, stayed all day just with him on saturday at my house, and i couldnt get enough of him. he told me he wished i was there with him so he could say stupid things that i could laugh at, cause he likes to make me laugh, and i told him i wish i was there so we could watch episodes of seinfeld while i scratched his back, cause i love feeling like im taking care of him like that.

we eded up just going to sleep in our own houses, but i drove over to his house in the morning (yesterday) and we went to qdoba (not a typo, its the name of a mexican restaurant) and to see Hostel (bad movie--quentin tarantino--sp?--disappointed me). i fell asleep laying next to him watching seinfeld and kept waking up in the middle of the night, knowing i needed to go home cause of my 9:00am wisdom teeth-removal appointment this morning, but every time i looked next to me and saw him sleeping there it made me so happy, and i couldnt leave.

i woke up at 7:30 this morning to drive home, i got my wisdom teeth out, my cheeks got swollen enough to make me look like a chipmunk, and now i can eat very little that isnt mostly liquid. pat came over at about noon so my mom could go back to work without worrying that i was home alone and we watched a couple episodes of the OC before he said he had to leave. everytime i needed a pain killer, or a new tissue, or just needed a comforting shoulder to lay on, he was there for me.. until he had to go home to pack for VMI, cause he had to go back today. we cried for about 15 minutes cause i wanted him to stay and he didnt want to leave, and when he finally walked out the door i thought i was gonna explode. i cried my eyes out, and my nose was running and i was bleeding all over the place and spitting and i didnt even care, all i wanted was to see him walk back through my door and tell me it was just a trick and that really he was gonna stay with me. but it didnt happen.

i went downstairs and watched a couple episodes of Friends and fell asleep.

when i came up to get on the computer i had this message: Poeggl (4:37:29 PM): hey

Auto response from SoccerBri55 (4:37:29 PM): please come back :'(

i hate VMI and i hate wisdom teeth and i hate not being able to eat things

and i hate mostly that im alone right now

SoccerBri55 (4:38:13 PM): she is sleeping downstairs...this is her mom
Poeggl (4:38:33 PM): oh ok
SoccerBri55 (4:38:44 PM): when do you leave?
Poeggl (4:38:54 PM): in like 20 minutes
SoccerBri55 (4:39:05 PM): oh...well have fun
Poeggl (4:39:11 PM): i
Poeggl (4:39:23 PM): 'll try, tell her i said bye
SoccerBri55 (4:39:42 PM): ok...I'll leave this up for her to see when she gets up.

and that'll be the last time he IMs me for i dont even know how long, and the last time we'll talk besides through facebook for a while also.

i really dont know what ill do without him. my whole heart feels like its breaking apart.

and on top of that, i have to go back to school in less than a week. i havent dreaded anything more in a long time, not even getting these stupid teeth pulled. i cant even begin to describe how upset i was when i started reading people's profiles to see that the "bmkk" signature was no longer at the bottom, but that it was just "mkk", that i had been cut out of most things. i hated reading peoples walls on facebook, seeing how everyone was writing how much they missed each other, but that the only person saying they missed me at all was a girl who lived on the opposite side of campus. and in a week im sposed to start that paperwork to move in with kasey, and you know? i dont think im gonna do it. ive planned out that this semester, since im taking a completely full load, im gonna plan on spending all my time in either the gym, the library, at soccer practice, or just out running. ill tell jules to quit touching all my stuff, i mean REALLY tell her, and then ill let her have the room to herself. i dont even care if i miss the OC on thursdays, ill just buy the third season when it comes out. i like watching them all together anyway.

so thats whats been on my mind lately. i know this is long and rambly, but like i said--pretty drugged up, on painkilles and anti-infection stuff and anti-swelling stuff and just a lonely heart.

check out the guy im listening to though, teddy geiger. my myspace has a song by him, and hes pretty much my new love. my favorite song is "look where we are now", if anyone cares to download some new stuff (also--"a million years", "love is a marathon", and "confidence.") sounds kinda like jason mraz, or gavin degraw... i dunno. i like him.

sorry for it being long again. i dont even care if anyone reads it, im just glad i got it down.
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