Sparks, Chapter Twelve
TITLE: Sparks
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GG.
RATING: PG - 13
SHIP: Nate + Jenny of Gossip Girl
SUMMARY: I'm really bad with summaries. Basically, this is a multi-chaptered fic that will map out what I think NJ's storyline should be like in season three.
Stay awake, stay awake, survive. I've got nineteen stars that I
that I gave your name tonight. i wanna scream wanna scream
your name - starlight my life can save, you're my wish tonight...
no one can catch me the way that you catch me the way
that you keep me when I'm out of time what if I need
you when I can't see you? I'm running out of life.
-Meg & Dia
Ruby, Vanessa's sister, came to visit the loft as the first week of May came to a close. Jenny was not told about this, so when she came out of her room after taking a nap one Friday evening, she almost had a heart attack because she thought Vanessa's ghost was sitting on the couch. Ruby was quite similar to Vanessa when it came to her appearance except for the fact that her eyes were a dark brown and she was a bit taller than Vanessa; her clothing style wasn't as quirky and was more on the punk rock side, which made sense since Ruby was in a band. However, when Jenny approached her, Ruby smiled a smile that was exactly like Vanessa's. At that, Jenny's chest ached guiltily and mournfully.
"Jenny," Ruby said warmly; they had met a few times previous, but not very much. Jenny sat beside her, gave the girl a hug, and managed to crack a smile, her veins throbbing with the weight of guilt. She pushed that emotion away and settled into her cool facade. Ruby raised her eyebrows, noting Jenny's behavior; Dan had briefly mentioned it once. "Did I scare you? You looked terrified to see me."
Her cold front cracked a little. Lying to Vanessa's sister just wasn't an option. "To be honest, I thought you were Vanessa's ghost. You just look so much like her..." She trailed off as Ruby smiled a little, and Jenny looked at her with concerned eyes. "How have you been since the...?" Jenny couldn't bring herself to say the word funeral. Ever since last week with Nate and the ring, which was still tucked away in her purse (she refused to look at it or think about it; the pain that came with it was enormous), her facade had been a weak one. She coudn't do it anymore. She couldn't be ice when the pain inside ravaged around her chest like a fire that refused to die down. She was burning on the inside and it wasn't the good sort of burning, it wasn't the on-fire feeling she used to get when Nate touched her -- it was the kind that hurt every particle of her being. It was a terrible battle; sometimes she could push the pain into a corner of her mind, and she then would easily pick up her icy mask once more. But then, just when she thought she had it under control, the pain would escape and she'd become weak and exhausted.
Ruby understood. "Honestly? It gets harder every day." She met Jenny's eyes with a sad smile, and she shrugged a little. "But there's nothing to be done. So you live with it." These words struck a chord inside Jenny's chest, and she felt herself shaking, because she lived with it. It got harder each and every day, but she lived with it.
"How did you get in here?" Jenny asked, wanting to change the topic. She looked around and did not see Dan or her father.
"Dan let me in about an hour ago while you were asleep. He got a phone call from some girl named Blair about five minutes ago and stepped outside..." Ruby's brow furrowed a little. "He sure is taking his time."
Almost as if on cue in some strangely sick and bizarre sitcom, Dan came into the loft. He came in slowly -- and immediately, Jenny knew that something was wrong. She could see it in the shocked expression in his eyes, in his hair which had been run through by his fingers over and over, and the slow way that he walked in. His dark eyes registered Jenny sitting beside Ruby and he closed the door behind him slowly, blinking at the two girls repeatedly.
"Dan? What's wrong?" Jenny asked immediately, her voice taking on tones of concern.
He spoke slowly, his eyes flitting from Ruby's dark ones to Jenny's blue eyes. "There's been an accident. A car accident."
Ruby took in a deep and shaky breath. "Who?"
Dan was quiet for a moment. He seemed to mechanically snap to attention, and to avoid the question, he bustled around, looking for his jacket and wallet. "We have to go immediately. We need to go. Come on."
"Dan, who?" Ruby repeated, her voice alarmed.
Dan stopped at the door, and he didn't look at Jenny. "Nate."
Jenny closed her eyes before he even finished saying it.
"Let's go to the hospital. Maybe... we should be there..." Dan trailed off. Jenny sat there frozen for a time, unable to do or say or think anything. Nate. Her Nate. Nate. She had to see him, had to make sure he'd be okay...
Vanessa. The name throbbed through her veins like paralyzing venom and her muscles tensed. Vanessa. Nate. Vanessa. Nate. Their faces flashed across her eyelids so quickly she could feel her head spinning. This was the worst moment to choose between the two.
When she opened her eyes, Ruby was still there, looking shocked.
"Let's go, Jenny. Come on." Ruby said quietly, getting to her feet. She stared down at Jenny as the blonde shook her head.
"I'm not going. You guys can go without me." Jenny said quietly, not looking at them.
Vanessa, Vanessa.
There was silence as Dan put on his jacket. Jenny heard him hesitate and there was whispering and she heard Ruby say, "Just wait five minutes, hold the taxi." The door opened and closed, and Jenny looked up to see Ruby there and Dan gone. Ruby came back to her former spot on the couch, and she looked at Jenny seriously.
"Why don't you want to see Nate, Jenny?" Ruby asked softly, and Jenny looked into her eyes desperately to see nothing but concern, and she felt like she could open up to her. Maybe it was because she looked so much like Vanessa, maybe it was because she was Vanessa's sister, or maybe it was because Ruby seemed to be the type of person who gave good advice. So Jenny told her about that night on the boat; she told Ruby every little detail, starting from even before that night, back to when it all started at a masked ball and where it ended at a courtyard with autumn leaves falling and a funeral behind them. And where they now were, how two little words like for now scared the living shit out of her because they had become more literal than she'd ever imagined. If something terrible happened to Nate... if he wasn't okay... if he didn't make it, for now was just a memory. For now was gone. For now was no more.
"And I just can't, Ruby. I can't go there. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to walk in that room and see him on that hospital bed because it'd be just like that morning when I went to see Vanessa and she was dead. I don't want him to be dead, but Vanessa loved him and he loved her and it's all my fault. It's all my fault she's gone... Because of Nate, we weren't even on that great of terms when she died! I regret letting him get in between us. If I hadn't been in the picture Vanessa wouldn't have left the manor and Mr. Van der Woodsen wouldn't have killed her. She'd be with Nate and she'd be happy."
Ruby had been silent the entire time. When Jenny finally came to a stop, Ruby looked completely taken aback. Jenny winced a little, wondering if she'd offended Ruby after all.
"Jenny..." Ruby said slowly, looking at the blonde with the most serious of expressions on her face. "Don't blame yourself at all. First off, I know for a fact that Vanessa loved you before she died. Don't look at me like that! I know it might feel like I'm just saying that, but she did. She told me so herself. You may think that it doesn't make sense at all if she was in love with Nate, but the thing is, she wasn't in love with him. Trust me, she was long over him before she died. She loved someone else."
Every word Ruby said hit Jenny like a blow across the face, and if she had been standing, there was a high chance she would have staggered. She barely managed to murmur, "Who?"
Ruby smiled bitterly. "She loved Scott. I met him the day of the funeral, you know that? I understand why she loved him. He's very good looking and sweet and genuine. She would have done anything for him. I mean it, Jenny. It was crazy. She was just head over heels, and she'd only known him for such a short time. But that was Vanessa, you know? Once she loved someone, she put her all into it. No boundaries, no limits..."
"What about that guy from Paris?" Jenny managed to ask, recalling what Nate had told her about his last conversation with Vanessa.
Ruby sighed. "A cover-up. She stopped talking to that guy as soon as she ran into Scott again in August. She didn't tell anyone about her feelings for Scott, least of all Nate, because she knew that the two disliked each other. Scott knew about her feelings for him though."
Scott. Vanessa. The manor. Jenny's head whirled as Ruby got up, patting her shoulder and exiting the loft quietly. Minutes passed in quiet solitude until Jenny picked up her phone and dialed a certain boy's number, ready to hear the truth.
"So we're alone?" Scott asked, shooting Jenny a nervous glance as he stepped into the silent loft. Jenny nodded numbly, ignoring his next question: "Why aren't you at the hospital with everyone else?"
"Why aren't you?" Jenny responded, crossing her arms. She didn't bother inviting him to sit.
"I was taking a final and I had my phone off. When I turned it on I had texts from you and Blair. Of course I came to you first. What's up?" Things with Scott had been so tense lately, and she missed the Scott that had been her best friend. Had she changed? Or had he? When did they fall apart like this?
"Tell me the truth." She demanded softly, and his eyebrows snapped together in confusion. "Tell me the truth about that night at the manor. That night where you told me that you weren't my brother and that you had feelings for me. I know Vanessa loved you. Why did she come there the same night as you, only to tell Nate that she loved him?"
Scott pressed his soft lips together. "I can't tell you, Jenny. You'd lose all respect for me."
Jenny took in a deep breath before looking into his eyes. "Please tell me, Scott." She pleaded gently. "This is really important. I know we're not as close as we used to be but you used to be my rock. Please just be honest with me. I think I deserve that much."
His resolve weakened, flickered, died. Scott ran a hand through his hark hair with a sigh. "I've always cared about you, Jenny, you know that? Always. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did... I regret everything."
The pain in Jenny's chest throbbed, and she couldn't even bother to put on her cold front. "What do you regret, Scott?" She probed gently, and she looked into his eyes to see that they were pained and hazy and guilty like her own had been for the longest time after the funeral.
He took in a shaky breath. "I knew Vanessa was in love with me; she told me. And I liked her too, I guess. But my feelings were stronger for you. She told me that all she wanted was for me to be happy. So I told her I wasn't happy without you in my life. When I found out that Owen was my dad... I don't know. I acted on impulse. I called her with a plan right on the spot and we headed on over to the manor. It wasn't well thought out, but I thought that Nate would choose to be with her or at the very least he'd hook up with her again. I figured he'd do something to prove that he didn't really care about you, that he wasn't right for you. That he wasn't the one. But he didn't. He did the opposite of that. He didn't leave you; instead, you left me on the balcony for him. I didn't stick around. I went to find Vanessa.
"When I found her I kissed her. I didn't see why not because she was crying and she looked pretty and I did have feelings for her. You weren't interested so I figured I'd settle on Vanessa. She was shaking. I don't know how long we kissed for but when she pulled away she said she couldn't do it. She couldn't believe that she'd just tried to jeopardize a relationship and get into a fake one just because of me. So she left. I never saw her again. And every day I have to live with the feeling that if it weren't for me, if I weren't in the picture, she'd be alive." Scott's voice cut off, and he stared down at his hands, unable to speak anymore; there was nothing left to be said.
All this time Scott had lived with guilt and Jenny had been too blind to see it. They were one in the same; that last sentence even reminded her of what she'd said to Ruby. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe it was Jenny's fault. Maybe it was nobody's fault except for fate's, or destiny's, if you believed in those things. And although maybe Jenny should have been mad at him, she couldn't be. Because they all had made mistakes from the start.
"I'm sorry." Jenny whispered softly, and Scott looked up at her. "I really am."
His eyes were gentle. "I am too." He reached out and took her hand. "I've been worried about you ever since the funeral. Do you know that all of us went to Nate about you? Me, Dan, Serena... everyone. He's the one for you." Scott smiled at her, letting go of her hand now. "Don't push him out anymore. You should go before it's too late." He glanced out the window and his brow furrowed. Much time had passed since the news had gotten out, and it was now very dark outside. Scott glanced at his watch. "Visiting hours ended at nine though."
Jenny was already gathering her jacket and purse. "It's okay. I'll be able to get in." She smiled up at him half-heartedly, and it was the first time he'd seen her smile in the longest time. Scott walked with her out of the loft, and when a taxi pulled up, he turned to her.
"Good luck," he said honestly, holding out his arms. Jenny hugged him for a few moments, and then they broke apart.
"Thank you," she replied before getting into the taxi.
For the first time in a long time, she felt the ashes of her heart slowly begin to piece together, and she was terribly afraid of them falling apart.
Not what you were expecting, was it? I hoped you guys liked this chapter. Two more left! I just realized that I'll probably have to have an epilogue (not saying what happens in the end, though... who knows if Nate will make it or not?) so tell me what you would like to see in the epilogue. I always love getting suggestions, after all. Thanks for your reviews!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GG.
RATING: PG - 13
SHIP: Nate + Jenny of Gossip Girl
SUMMARY: I'm really bad with summaries. Basically, this is a multi-chaptered fic that will map out what I think NJ's storyline should be like in season three.
Stay awake, stay awake, survive. I've got nineteen stars that I
that I gave your name tonight. i wanna scream wanna scream
your name - starlight my life can save, you're my wish tonight...
no one can catch me the way that you catch me the way
that you keep me when I'm out of time what if I need
you when I can't see you? I'm running out of life.
-Meg & Dia
Ruby, Vanessa's sister, came to visit the loft as the first week of May came to a close. Jenny was not told about this, so when she came out of her room after taking a nap one Friday evening, she almost had a heart attack because she thought Vanessa's ghost was sitting on the couch. Ruby was quite similar to Vanessa when it came to her appearance except for the fact that her eyes were a dark brown and she was a bit taller than Vanessa; her clothing style wasn't as quirky and was more on the punk rock side, which made sense since Ruby was in a band. However, when Jenny approached her, Ruby smiled a smile that was exactly like Vanessa's. At that, Jenny's chest ached guiltily and mournfully.
"Jenny," Ruby said warmly; they had met a few times previous, but not very much. Jenny sat beside her, gave the girl a hug, and managed to crack a smile, her veins throbbing with the weight of guilt. She pushed that emotion away and settled into her cool facade. Ruby raised her eyebrows, noting Jenny's behavior; Dan had briefly mentioned it once. "Did I scare you? You looked terrified to see me."
Her cold front cracked a little. Lying to Vanessa's sister just wasn't an option. "To be honest, I thought you were Vanessa's ghost. You just look so much like her..." She trailed off as Ruby smiled a little, and Jenny looked at her with concerned eyes. "How have you been since the...?" Jenny couldn't bring herself to say the word funeral. Ever since last week with Nate and the ring, which was still tucked away in her purse (she refused to look at it or think about it; the pain that came with it was enormous), her facade had been a weak one. She coudn't do it anymore. She couldn't be ice when the pain inside ravaged around her chest like a fire that refused to die down. She was burning on the inside and it wasn't the good sort of burning, it wasn't the on-fire feeling she used to get when Nate touched her -- it was the kind that hurt every particle of her being. It was a terrible battle; sometimes she could push the pain into a corner of her mind, and she then would easily pick up her icy mask once more. But then, just when she thought she had it under control, the pain would escape and she'd become weak and exhausted.
Ruby understood. "Honestly? It gets harder every day." She met Jenny's eyes with a sad smile, and she shrugged a little. "But there's nothing to be done. So you live with it." These words struck a chord inside Jenny's chest, and she felt herself shaking, because she lived with it. It got harder each and every day, but she lived with it.
"How did you get in here?" Jenny asked, wanting to change the topic. She looked around and did not see Dan or her father.
"Dan let me in about an hour ago while you were asleep. He got a phone call from some girl named Blair about five minutes ago and stepped outside..." Ruby's brow furrowed a little. "He sure is taking his time."
Almost as if on cue in some strangely sick and bizarre sitcom, Dan came into the loft. He came in slowly -- and immediately, Jenny knew that something was wrong. She could see it in the shocked expression in his eyes, in his hair which had been run through by his fingers over and over, and the slow way that he walked in. His dark eyes registered Jenny sitting beside Ruby and he closed the door behind him slowly, blinking at the two girls repeatedly.
"Dan? What's wrong?" Jenny asked immediately, her voice taking on tones of concern.
He spoke slowly, his eyes flitting from Ruby's dark ones to Jenny's blue eyes. "There's been an accident. A car accident."
Ruby took in a deep and shaky breath. "Who?"
Dan was quiet for a moment. He seemed to mechanically snap to attention, and to avoid the question, he bustled around, looking for his jacket and wallet. "We have to go immediately. We need to go. Come on."
"Dan, who?" Ruby repeated, her voice alarmed.
Dan stopped at the door, and he didn't look at Jenny. "Nate."
Jenny closed her eyes before he even finished saying it.
"Let's go to the hospital. Maybe... we should be there..." Dan trailed off. Jenny sat there frozen for a time, unable to do or say or think anything. Nate. Her Nate. Nate. She had to see him, had to make sure he'd be okay...
Vanessa. The name throbbed through her veins like paralyzing venom and her muscles tensed. Vanessa. Nate. Vanessa. Nate. Their faces flashed across her eyelids so quickly she could feel her head spinning. This was the worst moment to choose between the two.
When she opened her eyes, Ruby was still there, looking shocked.
"Let's go, Jenny. Come on." Ruby said quietly, getting to her feet. She stared down at Jenny as the blonde shook her head.
"I'm not going. You guys can go without me." Jenny said quietly, not looking at them.
Vanessa, Vanessa.
There was silence as Dan put on his jacket. Jenny heard him hesitate and there was whispering and she heard Ruby say, "Just wait five minutes, hold the taxi." The door opened and closed, and Jenny looked up to see Ruby there and Dan gone. Ruby came back to her former spot on the couch, and she looked at Jenny seriously.
"Why don't you want to see Nate, Jenny?" Ruby asked softly, and Jenny looked into her eyes desperately to see nothing but concern, and she felt like she could open up to her. Maybe it was because she looked so much like Vanessa, maybe it was because she was Vanessa's sister, or maybe it was because Ruby seemed to be the type of person who gave good advice. So Jenny told her about that night on the boat; she told Ruby every little detail, starting from even before that night, back to when it all started at a masked ball and where it ended at a courtyard with autumn leaves falling and a funeral behind them. And where they now were, how two little words like for now scared the living shit out of her because they had become more literal than she'd ever imagined. If something terrible happened to Nate... if he wasn't okay... if he didn't make it, for now was just a memory. For now was gone. For now was no more.
"And I just can't, Ruby. I can't go there. I wouldn't be able to handle it. I wouldn't be able to walk in that room and see him on that hospital bed because it'd be just like that morning when I went to see Vanessa and she was dead. I don't want him to be dead, but Vanessa loved him and he loved her and it's all my fault. It's all my fault she's gone... Because of Nate, we weren't even on that great of terms when she died! I regret letting him get in between us. If I hadn't been in the picture Vanessa wouldn't have left the manor and Mr. Van der Woodsen wouldn't have killed her. She'd be with Nate and she'd be happy."
Ruby had been silent the entire time. When Jenny finally came to a stop, Ruby looked completely taken aback. Jenny winced a little, wondering if she'd offended Ruby after all.
"Jenny..." Ruby said slowly, looking at the blonde with the most serious of expressions on her face. "Don't blame yourself at all. First off, I know for a fact that Vanessa loved you before she died. Don't look at me like that! I know it might feel like I'm just saying that, but she did. She told me so herself. You may think that it doesn't make sense at all if she was in love with Nate, but the thing is, she wasn't in love with him. Trust me, she was long over him before she died. She loved someone else."
Every word Ruby said hit Jenny like a blow across the face, and if she had been standing, there was a high chance she would have staggered. She barely managed to murmur, "Who?"
Ruby smiled bitterly. "She loved Scott. I met him the day of the funeral, you know that? I understand why she loved him. He's very good looking and sweet and genuine. She would have done anything for him. I mean it, Jenny. It was crazy. She was just head over heels, and she'd only known him for such a short time. But that was Vanessa, you know? Once she loved someone, she put her all into it. No boundaries, no limits..."
"What about that guy from Paris?" Jenny managed to ask, recalling what Nate had told her about his last conversation with Vanessa.
Ruby sighed. "A cover-up. She stopped talking to that guy as soon as she ran into Scott again in August. She didn't tell anyone about her feelings for Scott, least of all Nate, because she knew that the two disliked each other. Scott knew about her feelings for him though."
Scott. Vanessa. The manor. Jenny's head whirled as Ruby got up, patting her shoulder and exiting the loft quietly. Minutes passed in quiet solitude until Jenny picked up her phone and dialed a certain boy's number, ready to hear the truth.
"So we're alone?" Scott asked, shooting Jenny a nervous glance as he stepped into the silent loft. Jenny nodded numbly, ignoring his next question: "Why aren't you at the hospital with everyone else?"
"Why aren't you?" Jenny responded, crossing her arms. She didn't bother inviting him to sit.
"I was taking a final and I had my phone off. When I turned it on I had texts from you and Blair. Of course I came to you first. What's up?" Things with Scott had been so tense lately, and she missed the Scott that had been her best friend. Had she changed? Or had he? When did they fall apart like this?
"Tell me the truth." She demanded softly, and his eyebrows snapped together in confusion. "Tell me the truth about that night at the manor. That night where you told me that you weren't my brother and that you had feelings for me. I know Vanessa loved you. Why did she come there the same night as you, only to tell Nate that she loved him?"
Scott pressed his soft lips together. "I can't tell you, Jenny. You'd lose all respect for me."
Jenny took in a deep breath before looking into his eyes. "Please tell me, Scott." She pleaded gently. "This is really important. I know we're not as close as we used to be but you used to be my rock. Please just be honest with me. I think I deserve that much."
His resolve weakened, flickered, died. Scott ran a hand through his hark hair with a sigh. "I've always cared about you, Jenny, you know that? Always. I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry things turned out the way they did... I regret everything."
The pain in Jenny's chest throbbed, and she couldn't even bother to put on her cold front. "What do you regret, Scott?" She probed gently, and she looked into his eyes to see that they were pained and hazy and guilty like her own had been for the longest time after the funeral.
He took in a shaky breath. "I knew Vanessa was in love with me; she told me. And I liked her too, I guess. But my feelings were stronger for you. She told me that all she wanted was for me to be happy. So I told her I wasn't happy without you in my life. When I found out that Owen was my dad... I don't know. I acted on impulse. I called her with a plan right on the spot and we headed on over to the manor. It wasn't well thought out, but I thought that Nate would choose to be with her or at the very least he'd hook up with her again. I figured he'd do something to prove that he didn't really care about you, that he wasn't right for you. That he wasn't the one. But he didn't. He did the opposite of that. He didn't leave you; instead, you left me on the balcony for him. I didn't stick around. I went to find Vanessa.
"When I found her I kissed her. I didn't see why not because she was crying and she looked pretty and I did have feelings for her. You weren't interested so I figured I'd settle on Vanessa. She was shaking. I don't know how long we kissed for but when she pulled away she said she couldn't do it. She couldn't believe that she'd just tried to jeopardize a relationship and get into a fake one just because of me. So she left. I never saw her again. And every day I have to live with the feeling that if it weren't for me, if I weren't in the picture, she'd be alive." Scott's voice cut off, and he stared down at his hands, unable to speak anymore; there was nothing left to be said.
All this time Scott had lived with guilt and Jenny had been too blind to see it. They were one in the same; that last sentence even reminded her of what she'd said to Ruby. Maybe it was his fault. Maybe it was Jenny's fault. Maybe it was nobody's fault except for fate's, or destiny's, if you believed in those things. And although maybe Jenny should have been mad at him, she couldn't be. Because they all had made mistakes from the start.
"I'm sorry." Jenny whispered softly, and Scott looked up at her. "I really am."
His eyes were gentle. "I am too." He reached out and took her hand. "I've been worried about you ever since the funeral. Do you know that all of us went to Nate about you? Me, Dan, Serena... everyone. He's the one for you." Scott smiled at her, letting go of her hand now. "Don't push him out anymore. You should go before it's too late." He glanced out the window and his brow furrowed. Much time had passed since the news had gotten out, and it was now very dark outside. Scott glanced at his watch. "Visiting hours ended at nine though."
Jenny was already gathering her jacket and purse. "It's okay. I'll be able to get in." She smiled up at him half-heartedly, and it was the first time he'd seen her smile in the longest time. Scott walked with her out of the loft, and when a taxi pulled up, he turned to her.
"Good luck," he said honestly, holding out his arms. Jenny hugged him for a few moments, and then they broke apart.
"Thank you," she replied before getting into the taxi.
For the first time in a long time, she felt the ashes of her heart slowly begin to piece together, and she was terribly afraid of them falling apart.
Not what you were expecting, was it? I hoped you guys liked this chapter. Two more left! I just realized that I'll probably have to have an epilogue (not saying what happens in the end, though... who knows if Nate will make it or not?) so tell me what you would like to see in the epilogue. I always love getting suggestions, after all. Thanks for your reviews!