Sparks, Chapter Eleven
TITLE: Sparks
DISCLAIMER: I don't own GG.
RATING: PG - 13
SHIP: Nate + Jenny of Gossip Girl
SUMMARY: I'm really bad with summaries. Basically, this is a multi-chaptered fic that will map out what I think NJ's storyline should be like in season three.
You will never know what you have done to me
You will never know losing your love for me
You will never know a single day alone.
Tiny heart, stuck inside yourself, when will
you open up? Your lips touched every hand but
mine, in the shadows you slept fine, when will
you get back to me so we can rest? When you
choose me, I'm waiting for you. Always waiting.
-Flyleaf
Nate gave her space after that; it wasn't that he was giving up on her, but he had to figure out another tactic. He had never really been in a situation like this before. Girls normally came to him quite easily. None had refused him or given him such resistance and it was all very new to him. So Nate threw himself in his studies, and now that March was turning into April, studying for his finals was a must. The first week of May was quickly approaching -- the week where his finals took place -- and the tension in the air at Columbia was thick. The fact that he still had his internship also meant that he hardly had any time to socialize with anyone. The most he could do was text Jenny, and sometimes she'd reply with a sarcastic or cold comment. But more often than not, she didn't respond at all. That killed him the most because he'd start to speculate about what she was doing and he'd wonder if she was alive at all. But according to Dan and Blair and Serena and Scott and even Chuck, she was alive and well. They would text Nate whenever they ran into her -- even the smallest of details were sent -- and he was glad to know that everyone wanted to help him win Jenny over.
'Skittles aren't her favorite candy anymore -- she likes Ring Pops now,' Serena texted him once.
'Just ran into J at Starbucks getting a coffee... If you're near the one that we always go to, then get on over there,' Chuck had sent sometime near the end of Mach.
'Don't ask her if she wants to go to Mood. She gets all pissy,' Dan had messaged out of the blue in the middle of April.
He missed seeing her. Nate had never realized how fortunate he was to see Jenny's face every day in high school until now, when he got to see her only once for weeks at a time. At first it had stung when she told him that he meant nothing. He sulked for days, lost and confused and unsure of what to do. But then Chuck made him visit Blair, who reminded him of her battle for Chuck. How they both had to fight for the other at different times, how they both were afraid of their feelings, how Blair had to say 'I love you' multiple times before he ever said it back.
"The main thing is, you can't give up." Blair said that day, looking up from her essay and wagging her pencil at him. They were studying at NYU's library, trying to keep their tones hushed. The late April sunshine filtered through the windows, beckoning Nate to the outside world. Unfortunately, Nate had to avoid the urge to play sports and had to keep studying.
Nate sighed and nodded. "I don't want to seem like I'm complaining, but I just feel like I don't have time to breathe or eat or anything. It's probably a good thing I'm single now because I wouldn't be able to give her the attention she deserves. It's so exhausting, living like this."
"Tell me about it. It's never easy, fighting for someone in denial." Blair looked thoughtful. "Speaking of your own true love, I took her out for lunch earlier today and ended up inviting her to a party at NYU tonight. If you can make it, you should come, too."
Nate immediately nodded. "I might be a little late, but I'll try my best to make it." He paused for a moment before continuing. "I have a feeling Jenny won't be happy to see me."
He came to the party later than he expected - close to twelve thirty, when he'd planned to come an hour or two earlier. The party was in full swing and he'd gotten about three texts from Blair already asking where he was, so Nate went off to find her first. It seemed to him that Blair had ordered some people to watch for him and alert her when he came, because Blair found him within a minute's time. He felt her tiny hand on his arm, already tugging him in a direction as she began to lecture him.
"I can not believe you're so late, you won't believe what she's doing, I swear as soon as she heard your name she--"
"What are you talking about Blair? You're confusing me, and where are we going?" Nate asked, trying to remain calm.
"Jenny heard someone mention that you were going to come tonight and she just froze over, I swear. I mean, froze more than usual. Anyway she pretty much bolted for the alcohol and she wouldn't listen to me or Chuck -- where is he, anyway?" Blair pulled Nate into a room and stopped to look around for her boyfriend while Nate feasted his eyes on the sight before him.
There was Jenny Humphrey, a shot glass in her manicured hand, dancing with at least three other guys in the center of the dancing crowd; her partners were changing faster than he could keep track of, and as Nate prowled around the room trying to figure out how to get to her, he heard various other young men making comments about her. Things he had once thought and still did, even now, as the thin straps of her body-hugging black dress kept slipping down her shoulders. The way she moved when she danced, her reckless manner, the way she kept biting down on her lower lip -- they were all admiring it and Nate had that jealous feeling in his stomach. He couldn't handle it at all. Nate managed to worm his way into the middle of the circle in the space of a few minutes. He wasn't sure where Blair had gone, but he felt like he could use her help as he pushed someone's hands off Jenny's body.
"Jenny, you need to stop," he called over the music, placing her hands on her shoulders to make her turn and face him. When her eyes took in his face they widened a little, and then she lifted her shot glass to her lips and finished it off. His eyebrows furrowed as he glared at her, and he was being jostled by the people around him, which only added to his frustration.
She smirked at him. "Can one of you get me another drink?" She called out sweetly, holding out the glass; some guy eagerly took it and disappeared. Jenny's stance was unstable and wobbly; she stumbled a little, then clutched onto Nate's shirt for balance.
"That's it, you're leaving with me." Nate stated, tugging on her a little.
"I don't want to leave!" Jenny replied, trying to pull herself away from him. Nate tugged harder only to have one of the young men that she was previously dancing with get in his way.
"She said she doesn't want to leave, man."
"Mind your own fucking business," Nate shot back in reply, tightening his grip on Jenny. He expected the guy to hit him, but something else happened instead.
"Get away from her." Scott's voice boomed from nearby and Nate looked over in surprise, assuming that the dark-haired boy was talking to him. But he wasn't. Scott had appeared with Chuck and the two were pushing a path through the crowd; Nate lifted Jenny over his shoulder and carried her along the path quickly, ignoring the way she scratched at his back and punched his shoulders. Near the entrance of the home Scott and Chuck stopped, turning around to face Nate; Blair came up behind them with Jenny's purse and coat. Nate set Jenny down on her feet and she glared icily at them.
"She can't go home like this," Scott said worriedly, placing his hands on Jenny's waist to steady her footing. Jenny mumbled something about feeling fine and waved a hand at him as if she were shooing away a fly.
"Rufus certainly wouldn't be pleased to say the least." Chuck noted, glancing over at Nate and raising his eyebrows a little as if he were trying to hint at something. Nate stared back at him in confusion and then looked at Blair, whose mouth was silently twitching the syllables 'a-part-ment'...
Oh.
"I'll take her to my apartment. I'll take care of her tonight," Nate said brightly, and Chuck and Blair rolled their eyes at the same time.
Surprisingly, Jenny hadn't put up much of a fight. Scott had managed to convince her to go with Nate, and during the silent cab ride she had rested her head against Nate's broad shoulder. When they arrived at his apartment she'd let him scoop her up in his arms -- she was so light-- and she had actually pressed her face against his chest. It was a screwed up sort of heaven for him, and he hated it when he had to put her down to get his key.
Jenny had to throw up soon after entering his apartment, and he held back her hair for her in the bathroom and got her water and helped her clean off her smudged makeup. She looked just as beautiful without it -- she reminded him now of how innocent she'd looked when they'd first met. Her pale eyelashes and flushed cheeks only reminded him of how fragile she really was. She was thin and a lightweight, so Nate was a little worried; he just wanted her to be okay, and didn't like seeing her like this.
"Do you feel better?" Nate asked her as he lead her to his bedroom. Jenny nodded a little.
"I don't feel like throwing up anymore... I'm just tired," she stated wearily, gripping his hand tightly. Her icy facade was gone and Nate felt both afraid and relieved at the same time, at least until she started unzipping her dress in his bedroom. At that moment a completely different mixture of emotions overcame him.
"What are you doing?" Nate questioned in alarm, looking at her with wide eyes.
"I don't want to sleep in this, it's not comfortable," She replied hazily, and Nate watched as her dress was pulled off to reveal a black strapless bra with matching underwear. He would have closed his eyes if he were able to, but all he could do was stare.
"Let me... get you a shirt to sleep in." He said, moving slowly to the other side of the room. Nate got her the biggest t-shirt he could find and helped Jenny into it, letting his fingertips brush her shoulders and torso, before picking her up again and placing her on his bed. He tucked her in before shifting around silently, aware that Jenny's eyes were on him as he changed into a pair of shorts. He eventually climbed onto the other side of the bed and looked at her; streetlights filtered in through the window to illuminate her face, and he saw that she had finally closed her eyes.
Nate couldn't sleep with her beside him, although he hadn't slept much in the past few days. His moments with her were too precious and spaced too far apart for him to take this for granted; he also wanted to make sure she'd be okay while she slept. She was breathing normally, which was good, and as her chest rose and fell evenly, he noticed that she was the most appealing just like this. At total peace in his shirt, wrapped up in the scent that was purely his. His scent would linger on her and claim her as his and that was all he wanted -- for Jenny to be his.
She started to toss and turn sometime into the night, when Nate was on the brink of sleep. When he heard her whimper his eyes flew open and he sat up, watching her with concern as she kicked the sheets away from her body to expose her long, bare legs. Leaning in, he pressed the back of his hand against her face to make sure she wasn't heating up with fever -- instead, he felt tears streaking along the curve of her cheek. She swatted at his hand violently and he moved it to her neck to feel her pulse; it was accelerating.
"Wait," she murmured quietly. "Vanessa, wait... Vanessa...!" Nate sucked in his breath at the mention of Vanessa's name, and his eyes widened with shock. Jenny opened her eyes few moments later, her body paralyzed with the shock of a terrifying nightmare, and her breathing was harsh. Her mouth turned downward into a trembling pout, and Nate just stared down at her, pulling his hand away from her neck. They were silent for a time, both unable to speak.
"I try not to think about her. But I can't. I think about her all the time," she whispered, her voice sounding exhausted. Her mouth wobbled a little with the threat of tears. "So I try not to think about anything. I try not to feel anything, and it works. But she always comes in my sleep. It's always the same bad dream." Nate nodded a little to encourage her to keep talking. He was too afraid to speak for fear that she would stop. "I'm always running after her because I need to tell her that I'm sorry. I need her to forgive me. But I can't find her. I can't find Vanessa, because she's gone and it's all my fault." Her voice cut off here-- a choked sound came from her instead-- and the tears made their way down her face. "I-It's all my fault."
Nate took her in his arms then and cradled her in his lap like a child. She curled into him, pressing her forehead against his naked chest, and she cried softly as he spoke. "It's not your fault. Don't think that, Jenny. It's not your fault." He stroked her hair and kissed her forehead repeatedly, stealing those kisses like a greedy thief, because he would never be able to hold her like this, kiss her like this as long as she felt guilty.
Nate rubbed her back until the tears subsided, and then he spoke again. "I don't want you to feel that way, Jenny."
She closed her eyes for few moments, as if she were in pain. "Then stay away from me." His arms disobeyed and tightened around her body instead.
"What?"
"It hurts the worst around you. I can't hold the guilt back or any of the feelings... It's hard to hold anything back around you. You make the pain real. You make me hurt." And then Nate felt guilty, too, because the last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt her. He was silent as he let go of her, putting her back on the spot that she was sleeping on before.
"Are you mad at me?" Jenny asked, her voice reminding him of a child's as she sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees, looking over at him.
Nate shook his head. "No. Never. Just..." He chewed on his lip and took in a deep breath. Without another word he placed his feet on the ground and strode across the room, looking around the drawers in his desk for something. He placed several objects on it before finally finding what he was looking for. Nate returned to Jenny, sitting beside her. He held out what was in his hand: a tiny ring box that was oddly familiar. Jenny looked into his blue eyes curiously, and then she understood, and she couldn't speak. His fingers pried the box gently open to show what was inside -- his mother's engagement ring.
"Do you remember this?" He asked her, his voice soft. "I was supposed to give it to Blair so long ago. I showed it to you when we sat on some steps and skipped her birthday party. We talked and talked and you even held this in your own hand. You said it was beautiful," The last few notes turned pleading and his voice cracked in the middle of the last word, because Jenny was already shaking her head. "But I want to give it to you. You're the only one I want to give it to."
"I can't take this, Nate. I can't... The guilt..." Jenny pushed his hand away gently. Nate shook his head and refused to budge; he closed the box and set it down on the bed. Nate brought his hands up to her face and cupped her chin softly, making Jenny look at him.
"Jenny," he said her name imploringly, and she almost melted at the sound of it. "I will wait. I will wait for you. By taking the ring you aren't making any promises. Instead, I'm making a promise to you. A promise that I will always be there for you. Please take it. Please, Jenny. Please." His thumb stroked her cheek lightly. "Please." He pleaded with her just like this for another minute, just using that one word over and over in his soft voice that massaged and stung her wounds at the same time. And eventually, she stopped shaking her head, and he said it one more time.
"Please. For me. Please."
She nodded after a moment and after that there was no turning back. Nate couldn't help but grin widely, and she smiled a little at the sight of him hopping out of bed to shove the box in her purse so that she wouldn't forget it. Nate was acting like a child that had received the best gift ever on Christmas, but maybe if he had looked a little harder he'd have noticed that she was hurting at the sight of it. Because this was just to make Nate happy. She could never deny him, never refuse him -- but she couldn't have him, either, and that hurt the worst.
So he held her in his arms that night and slept better than he had in all his years. When he woke up it was noon -- and Jenny was not in his arms. Instead there was simply a note in her place, with a little drawing of a ring on it and two words below.
'For now.'
We're getting near the end of the story! There are about three chapters left to write, maybe four! Thank you so much to everyone who's reviewed. By the way... Expect the unexpected next chapter. You will cry! You will smile! But most of all, I hope you will like it. Thanks to maybemagnetism for the banner!