breaking it down, layman style
been a while since the last real update. that means you're in for it now.
i'm addicted to twitter, have you noticed? hope you don't mind.
also, if you still read this and don't have me on some "annoying twitter" filter, you may have also noticed that i've met someone. his name is matt. nothing's been the same since.
but that's not what this is about.
this is about how i fell in love with zoe.
on memorial day weekend, i went to schwagstock with theresa, xxparabola.
if you're not familiar, it's a music festival at camp zoe. the schwag is a grateful dead tribute band. as you can imagine, it's got quite the stigma attached to it, as a drug/hippie festival and all that jazz. but the experience was so much more than that-- and i have theresa to thank.
it was a very last minute plan. we went down on sunday at the end of the festival. i was dog-sitting for a friend and they don't allow puppies down there, so matt offered to watch the pug for me. we'd only been talking for about a week & a half, mind you! it felt safe, though. (don't give me the stink eye whittney, haha! ;p)
anyway, i'd had an incredible weekend with him. i believe i was running on about three hours total of sleep from thursday through saturday. i'd stayed up with him all night before the trip @ his place, after driving akira (the pug) over there. i then headed to theresa's early sunday morning and crashed for a good.. thirty minutes or so before she came bounding over to wake me. we had breakfast, got our things together & were on the road within the hour. she was excited; i was exhausted. but, i stayed awake and we talked the whole way down.
the closer we got, the more enthusiastic i started to feel too. i was finally going to experience schwag! i'd only been talking about going for years! i had in mind what i thought would go down upon arrival. and it wasn't that i was off, per se: just that i was missing a key element. the feeling.
when we pulled in, we found a nice little spot in the middle of all the action, right across from "safestock" - the volunteer nurse station. it was time for the grand tour. she took me all around, naming different camp spots. my head was spinning, there was no way i was going to remember all of this. what if i got lost?
after a few introductions, i was starting to feel more comfortable. she knew a lot of people there. apparently she'd volunteered at the festivals last year. (there are something like five a year or something, from april to october.) almost everyone i met greeted me with a bear hug, no measly handshake. upon hearing that it was my first time attending, they'd respond with a "welcome home."
camp exploration continued. every so often, i'd see the back of someone's curly head, or catch someone in the distance with similar facial piercings or hair or style of dress even and have a brief moment of hope that it was matt. everything i saw was so beautiful i just wanted to share the experience with him. i felt a twinge in my heart. this happened at least five times, i thought i was losing my mind. i mean, it had only been about ten days! ha.
it started drizzling a bit. it was light and breezy though and felt so refreshing. we had some profound conversation, some silly too. we soon ran into one of her cousins who'd lost her car keys a couple of days prior in this cluttered dining hall. when i say cluttered, it's a serious understatement. imagine: several dozen hippies throwing decorative items, random tools, and any shit you can imagine into one big storage unit. WORST. PLACE. EVER. to lose your keys. and of course, there was no electricity to light the way. theresa & i looked around with her & her sister for almost an hour, overwhelmed by the task. we tried and walked away feeling a little down without success. she thanked us for the attempt.
we decided to head back to the car for a snack and told ourselves that the keys would appear, or she'd figure something out. this is when we'd meet our car neighbors. first one was a guy, short and full of strange energy. when we asked his name, he said "what do you want to call me?" this made me laugh. i was feeling open minded, but my eyes were wary. he reminded me of... somebody. i couldn't place it yet. we decided on sebastian. he told us about how he'd seen so many dark things the night before. how he was still battling the demons. i took pity. must have eaten a few too many substances. he clearly has some emotional issues going on. i kept looking at his t-shirt. it was a white tee with the numbers "777" written on the chest in permanent marker, and an arrow pointing up toward his face. hmm. familiar.
the second was a girl. her name was jess. she was quiet. i wasn't sure if the two of them were friends or had just met as well. he seemed like the type who was just randomly approaching people all weekend.
we all sat around for a bit, just checking out the scene. another guy was walking by while sebastian was ranting about the signs and the darkness, etc. (he was starting to annoy me. he reminded me of... somebody.) the new guy was listening openly. he'd been carrying a small instrument case. theresa asked what was inside. A UKULELE! nice. "you should play something for us!" she exclaimed. "we'll give you a banana or something." he laughed at the thought as he started to take out his instrument.
*** okay i'll warn you that i've tried to tell this story multiple times to people and it has never seemed as amazing as what actually took place after he started playing, but i'm going to attempt again***
i don't know what we were expecting, but probably nothing special. just a hippie with a ukulele and maybe some funny lyrics or a cover song by a jam band.
what actually happened was a transformation. this little curly haired boy started strumming his instrument with the grace of an old sage. my mouth dropped open a little. i couldn't take my eyes off of his fingers. it reminded me of joanna newsom on the harp-- which is the only thing i can think to compare it to. then he started singing, and the voice of an angel escaped from his lips. he sang to us, responding in beautiful lyric-form to everything we'd just been talking about. he sang to sebastian: words pure. he comforted his fears, and told him to look past the dark: that all we need is love and each other. love your brother and share yourself and don't ask for anything in return. he sang with a truth and wisdom so deep that i had to physically put my hands to my chest and try not to burst into happy tears. then he sang "somewhere over the rainbow." when he stopped playing, i glanced over at theresa, who was equally shocked and moved by the experience. HOLYFUCKINGSHIT THAT WAS INCREDIBLE, etc. his name was austin. he was from oklahoma city. and so modest, on top of it all. just smiled shyly and thanked us for asking him to play. he packed his instrument back up and bid us adieu.
WOW OMG WTF ETC. i felt so inspired. tears still welled in my eyes, but filled with light and happy.
"sebastian" started rambling again. he was attempting crazed flirtation with theresa, and also kept trying to say random things, as if to weird us out. then he'd get paranoid, thinking someone was talking about him. i wasn't amused or weirded out. i figured out exactly who he reminded me of, after noticing some random scribbles on his arm that matched the handwriting on his shirt. cameron.
all i wanted to do was think and write and look at the sky and take in everything i'd just heard. i quickly excused myself and climbed into her car, pretending to be looking for something and closed myself off, joting down some notes, quickly. ukulele -- beautiful song
tears & spirit
777 -- illusions of grandeur
wish i could share this with you
seen many recognitions/doppelgangers
heart pounding--almost whimpering
love in the rain / free my thoughts
theresa is a beautiful soul
keys lost, humanity found
can't stop thinking of your eyes
community is our purpose
don't get lost in the myths
these writings are cliff notes
but i wouldn't forget
why haven't i been here before?
wasting time with our race for self-validation
the answers have always been in front
smiles ... tears ... sharing ... comfort
lift your brother's spirits
& you'll be free
i went back to save theresa from the incessant ramble. i felt sorry for jess, the girl. they (her and the guy, sebastian) seemed to be friends, but i still couldn't figure it out.
anyway, theresa and i split from the car neighbors and made our way to find another friend of hers. when we arrived at her camp, there were a couple of guys chatting over a box of cactus that they were watching for a vendor. apparently the cactus contained psychedelic qualities when eaten. this is the first i'd heard of that, aside from peyote. intriguing. when one of the guys finally had his piece peeled and ready, he offered me a bite, since i was so curious. it was fucking disgusting. a bit like the most bitter cucumber you can imagine combined with a sour latte-- but i was quickly feeling warm and tingly and there was a bit more bounce in my step on the way back to the car.
more people, more hugs, more snacks, more giving, more smiling. "happy schwag!" rang around me, followed with theresa's occasional "paper bag" response to annoy the hippies. the hippies wouldn't be annoyed by her anyway. they loved her. she was a walking visual stimulation, pink hair flowing and colorful tattoos covering her arms and chest.
soon enough, it was time to set up for the schwag's final show. we set up our blanket in front of the main stage. the energy was surreal. i'd planned on finding mushrooms or acid when we arrived at zoe, but as the day progressed, i had less and less need for it. the vibrations were giving me a new kind of high that i'd never experienced so completely before. love was all around, i don't care how cheesy it sounds because it was totally real.
i kept watching the children of schwag. i couldn't help it. even they were filled with this communal bliss. i wondered what it would be like to be raised in such environments. i decided to myself that if i ever had children, this is how they should be taught. with light in their hearts and open minds.
we relaxed and waited for the show. i was watching everyone buzz about, smiling at strangers, thinking of matt. some friends of theresa sat down with us and talked and drank a bit, and i watched the band start to jam out as the sun dipped out of view. random people sat down and conversed with us like we were old friends. the air was thick with warmth. from within, not humidity.
i picked up my notebook again and started scribbling some more random thoughts. there is an unspoken uncertainty amongst some. i was looking into eyes for the answers but they can only be found in my reflection. the experience is filled to the brim, reminding me of the void of the love we don't share enough. hula hoops, singing bowls, jam bands, beautiful people, trying not to forget a detail of this thing before me. the glow is radiating from your eyes now. see me here? stop worrying, you'll give yourself a headache. twirling silhouettes grace the projector of the beat. there's no need to try describing the unknowable. we're supposed to question--but not ourselves. i can't stop staring at your smile. gazing, really, through my surroundings. i want you here with me. the only thing i can think is nothing, without this. i cannot stand to ruin my own heart anymore. i am ready for you. letting go of self. the geometric patterns of us all beyond realities, turning for us consistently. vibrations ringing in my ears, i can hear the songs of the air i'm breathing through your mouth.
i put the notebook down and smiled. i started to head back to the car for something when our car neighbor, jess, found us on the blanket. this time, she had a sadness about her. it was him, i knew it.
apparently they used to be in a relationship. they lived together. he broke up with her after he started tripping all the time. she started sobbing. theresa and i held her. i couldn't believe my ears. she started talking about how he completely changed... how he called himself jesus and how she just wanted things to be how they were in the beginning. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i do think there is a reason we were car neighbors: the universe has its ways. she needed us. i needed her. i started telling her about cameron. i told her how i'd just gotten done complaining to theresa i didn't like sebastian because he reminded me of my ex. she looked at me in disbelief: she didn't know anyone who was like him.
we started exchanging stories. she laughed shockingly at my recounts of cameron climbing into trees, believing that he made it rain and then telling me that i was a non-believer when i'd roll my eyes. "HE DOES THAT TOO!" she sighed, half crying. it was nuts. she told me about the things he'd say to her to make her feel bad; i told her about the ways cameron would intimidate me.
i told her about how he fucked another girl while i was in the other room. i told her about how i moved out, and about the meetings i started going to, and about how long i've been dealing with it. she spoke of just wanting to be done with it, but i could see that she was still in love-- still hoped he could change. i told her not to be discouraged by going back to him, that it was part of the process. that she's already recognizing where she is. i wanted her to see. i wanted her to keep the hope alive.
i told her about this guy that i just met. matt. that i've discovered that it is completely possible to find everything you ever wanted and never thought you deserved. that you DO deserve someone to lift you up, NOT put you down. when she spoke, i made sure to listen to every word. when she got quiet, i asked her to repeat herself. to speak up. i told her that her voice was beautiful, and it probably wasn't heard enough. it wasn't.
others saw her tears in the twilight and gave her loving embraces. it was so fucking beautiful, i have tears in my eyes just typing about it. they knew. they saw her pain and words weren't necessary. just love. just love everywhere. thankfully he was wandering around someplace, in his underwear no less, long enough for it to sink in.
after the show, we sat near a fire and decided to start making ourselves some dinner. a few guys joined us and we had a nice little group going.
"sebastian" would pop in and out, to cause a bit of a headache for jess. i was looking down at him with real pity this time. he was much smaller than cameron, and he didn't have a hold on me. it was a little empowering. whether or not i believe people are inherently good is thrown out the window: people like him make the choice to do what they do and it's sad. seeing the mini version helped my eyes open more to the smallness of my cameron.
our "neighbors" seemed distressed. we'd all planned to go down to watch a movie that would be projected onto a huge cliff. jess told us she'd meet up with us there. i fretted over this for a bit before moving forward, as it was getting dark. i knew she wasn't coming.
anyway, we waited on one of the other guy's friends, and as a reward, he gave me the most delicious rice krispie treat i've ever had-- actually made with hash oil and fruity pebbles. i guess that means i wasn't COMPLETELY sober, but for the most part, it was a substance-free experience.
on the walk there, we randomly reunited with austin, the musician, and continued our journey. we'd been invited previously from some others who were supposed to be passing around a "love jug" during the film. basically: a group of people who started a jug of something alcoholic and were accepting donations of psychedelics. and love, of course--if you didn't have anything to add to the jug. (it seemed like a good time, as i've done something similar before.) when we arrived, the movie was almost over and it was too dark anyway, so we didn't find the jug holders. as the credits rolled, the rain started to pour down and we made way for cover.
stranger huddling, tarps, hugs, permanent marker on patrons who fell asleep with their shoes on (haha), puddles, bare feet.
from a distance we could see several people already heaped together inside of safestock. some hadn't brought a tent, or were rained out. austin had a guitar and the ukulele on hand this time, and took it upon himself to play upon seating. another guy we'd spoken with during the show was wild-eyed by now and started makeshift breakdancing to austin's acoustic sound. ridiculous; hilarious. everything started calming down and i didn't know what time it was anymore. it didn't matter. i was more than content with the trip. i still wanted matt there, but i'd come to my own all night. it was a beautiful evening.
edit: whoops, almost forgot to mention the next day! i decided that i needed souvenirs, since i stayed pretty sober for the event so i went off to find the cactus man! haha. after talking to him a bit about my interest in mind expansion and shamanism, he gave me a free copy of a movie he was just in with author daniel pinchbeck and visual artist alex grey! very VERY cool. check out the trailer:
also: we exchanged numbers with jess.
theresa's cousin was able to drive back to the city, despite not finding her keys-- thanks to some locksmiths and a screwdriver.
and i knew i'd found a place to call home.
(whew, that was long.)
but i cannot wait to go back. july 30th - august 1st. this time the whole weekend will be mine, hopefully with the boy by my side. and HOPEFULLY some more friends can be convinced to drop their preconceived notions of schwag and just enjoy it with us. HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE.
i'm loving this summer. i'm loving this life.
i hope you all are well, in your minds and your hearts.
you deserve it.
♥
i'm addicted to twitter, have you noticed? hope you don't mind.
also, if you still read this and don't have me on some "annoying twitter" filter, you may have also noticed that i've met someone. his name is matt. nothing's been the same since.
but that's not what this is about.
this is about how i fell in love with zoe.
Click to viewon memorial day weekend, i went to schwagstock with theresa, xxparabola.
if you're not familiar, it's a music festival at camp zoe. the schwag is a grateful dead tribute band. as you can imagine, it's got quite the stigma attached to it, as a drug/hippie festival and all that jazz. but the experience was so much more than that-- and i have theresa to thank.
it was a very last minute plan. we went down on sunday at the end of the festival. i was dog-sitting for a friend and they don't allow puppies down there, so matt offered to watch the pug for me. we'd only been talking for about a week & a half, mind you! it felt safe, though. (don't give me the stink eye whittney, haha! ;p)
anyway, i'd had an incredible weekend with him. i believe i was running on about three hours total of sleep from thursday through saturday. i'd stayed up with him all night before the trip @ his place, after driving akira (the pug) over there. i then headed to theresa's early sunday morning and crashed for a good.. thirty minutes or so before she came bounding over to wake me. we had breakfast, got our things together & were on the road within the hour. she was excited; i was exhausted. but, i stayed awake and we talked the whole way down.
the closer we got, the more enthusiastic i started to feel too. i was finally going to experience schwag! i'd only been talking about going for years! i had in mind what i thought would go down upon arrival. and it wasn't that i was off, per se: just that i was missing a key element. the feeling.
when we pulled in, we found a nice little spot in the middle of all the action, right across from "safestock" - the volunteer nurse station. it was time for the grand tour. she took me all around, naming different camp spots. my head was spinning, there was no way i was going to remember all of this. what if i got lost?
after a few introductions, i was starting to feel more comfortable. she knew a lot of people there. apparently she'd volunteered at the festivals last year. (there are something like five a year or something, from april to october.) almost everyone i met greeted me with a bear hug, no measly handshake. upon hearing that it was my first time attending, they'd respond with a "welcome home."
camp exploration continued. every so often, i'd see the back of someone's curly head, or catch someone in the distance with similar facial piercings or hair or style of dress even and have a brief moment of hope that it was matt. everything i saw was so beautiful i just wanted to share the experience with him. i felt a twinge in my heart. this happened at least five times, i thought i was losing my mind. i mean, it had only been about ten days! ha.
it started drizzling a bit. it was light and breezy though and felt so refreshing. we had some profound conversation, some silly too. we soon ran into one of her cousins who'd lost her car keys a couple of days prior in this cluttered dining hall. when i say cluttered, it's a serious understatement. imagine: several dozen hippies throwing decorative items, random tools, and any shit you can imagine into one big storage unit. WORST. PLACE. EVER. to lose your keys. and of course, there was no electricity to light the way. theresa & i looked around with her & her sister for almost an hour, overwhelmed by the task. we tried and walked away feeling a little down without success. she thanked us for the attempt.
we decided to head back to the car for a snack and told ourselves that the keys would appear, or she'd figure something out. this is when we'd meet our car neighbors. first one was a guy, short and full of strange energy. when we asked his name, he said "what do you want to call me?" this made me laugh. i was feeling open minded, but my eyes were wary. he reminded me of... somebody. i couldn't place it yet. we decided on sebastian. he told us about how he'd seen so many dark things the night before. how he was still battling the demons. i took pity. must have eaten a few too many substances. he clearly has some emotional issues going on. i kept looking at his t-shirt. it was a white tee with the numbers "777" written on the chest in permanent marker, and an arrow pointing up toward his face. hmm. familiar.
the second was a girl. her name was jess. she was quiet. i wasn't sure if the two of them were friends or had just met as well. he seemed like the type who was just randomly approaching people all weekend.
we all sat around for a bit, just checking out the scene. another guy was walking by while sebastian was ranting about the signs and the darkness, etc. (he was starting to annoy me. he reminded me of... somebody.) the new guy was listening openly. he'd been carrying a small instrument case. theresa asked what was inside. A UKULELE! nice. "you should play something for us!" she exclaimed. "we'll give you a banana or something." he laughed at the thought as he started to take out his instrument.
*** okay i'll warn you that i've tried to tell this story multiple times to people and it has never seemed as amazing as what actually took place after he started playing, but i'm going to attempt again***
i don't know what we were expecting, but probably nothing special. just a hippie with a ukulele and maybe some funny lyrics or a cover song by a jam band.
what actually happened was a transformation. this little curly haired boy started strumming his instrument with the grace of an old sage. my mouth dropped open a little. i couldn't take my eyes off of his fingers. it reminded me of joanna newsom on the harp-- which is the only thing i can think to compare it to. then he started singing, and the voice of an angel escaped from his lips. he sang to us, responding in beautiful lyric-form to everything we'd just been talking about. he sang to sebastian: words pure. he comforted his fears, and told him to look past the dark: that all we need is love and each other. love your brother and share yourself and don't ask for anything in return. he sang with a truth and wisdom so deep that i had to physically put my hands to my chest and try not to burst into happy tears. then he sang "somewhere over the rainbow." when he stopped playing, i glanced over at theresa, who was equally shocked and moved by the experience. HOLYFUCKINGSHIT THAT WAS INCREDIBLE, etc. his name was austin. he was from oklahoma city. and so modest, on top of it all. just smiled shyly and thanked us for asking him to play. he packed his instrument back up and bid us adieu.
WOW OMG WTF ETC. i felt so inspired. tears still welled in my eyes, but filled with light and happy.
"sebastian" started rambling again. he was attempting crazed flirtation with theresa, and also kept trying to say random things, as if to weird us out. then he'd get paranoid, thinking someone was talking about him. i wasn't amused or weirded out. i figured out exactly who he reminded me of, after noticing some random scribbles on his arm that matched the handwriting on his shirt. cameron.
all i wanted to do was think and write and look at the sky and take in everything i'd just heard. i quickly excused myself and climbed into her car, pretending to be looking for something and closed myself off, joting down some notes, quickly. ukulele -- beautiful song
tears & spirit
777 -- illusions of grandeur
wish i could share this with you
seen many recognitions/doppelgangers
heart pounding--almost whimpering
love in the rain / free my thoughts
theresa is a beautiful soul
keys lost, humanity found
can't stop thinking of your eyes
community is our purpose
don't get lost in the myths
these writings are cliff notes
but i wouldn't forget
why haven't i been here before?
wasting time with our race for self-validation
the answers have always been in front
smiles ... tears ... sharing ... comfort
lift your brother's spirits
& you'll be free
i went back to save theresa from the incessant ramble. i felt sorry for jess, the girl. they (her and the guy, sebastian) seemed to be friends, but i still couldn't figure it out.
anyway, theresa and i split from the car neighbors and made our way to find another friend of hers. when we arrived at her camp, there were a couple of guys chatting over a box of cactus that they were watching for a vendor. apparently the cactus contained psychedelic qualities when eaten. this is the first i'd heard of that, aside from peyote. intriguing. when one of the guys finally had his piece peeled and ready, he offered me a bite, since i was so curious. it was fucking disgusting. a bit like the most bitter cucumber you can imagine combined with a sour latte-- but i was quickly feeling warm and tingly and there was a bit more bounce in my step on the way back to the car.
more people, more hugs, more snacks, more giving, more smiling. "happy schwag!" rang around me, followed with theresa's occasional "paper bag" response to annoy the hippies. the hippies wouldn't be annoyed by her anyway. they loved her. she was a walking visual stimulation, pink hair flowing and colorful tattoos covering her arms and chest.
soon enough, it was time to set up for the schwag's final show. we set up our blanket in front of the main stage. the energy was surreal. i'd planned on finding mushrooms or acid when we arrived at zoe, but as the day progressed, i had less and less need for it. the vibrations were giving me a new kind of high that i'd never experienced so completely before. love was all around, i don't care how cheesy it sounds because it was totally real.
i kept watching the children of schwag. i couldn't help it. even they were filled with this communal bliss. i wondered what it would be like to be raised in such environments. i decided to myself that if i ever had children, this is how they should be taught. with light in their hearts and open minds.
we relaxed and waited for the show. i was watching everyone buzz about, smiling at strangers, thinking of matt. some friends of theresa sat down with us and talked and drank a bit, and i watched the band start to jam out as the sun dipped out of view. random people sat down and conversed with us like we were old friends. the air was thick with warmth. from within, not humidity.
i picked up my notebook again and started scribbling some more random thoughts. there is an unspoken uncertainty amongst some. i was looking into eyes for the answers but they can only be found in my reflection. the experience is filled to the brim, reminding me of the void of the love we don't share enough. hula hoops, singing bowls, jam bands, beautiful people, trying not to forget a detail of this thing before me. the glow is radiating from your eyes now. see me here? stop worrying, you'll give yourself a headache. twirling silhouettes grace the projector of the beat. there's no need to try describing the unknowable. we're supposed to question--but not ourselves. i can't stop staring at your smile. gazing, really, through my surroundings. i want you here with me. the only thing i can think is nothing, without this. i cannot stand to ruin my own heart anymore. i am ready for you. letting go of self. the geometric patterns of us all beyond realities, turning for us consistently. vibrations ringing in my ears, i can hear the songs of the air i'm breathing through your mouth.
i put the notebook down and smiled. i started to head back to the car for something when our car neighbor, jess, found us on the blanket. this time, she had a sadness about her. it was him, i knew it.
apparently they used to be in a relationship. they lived together. he broke up with her after he started tripping all the time. she started sobbing. theresa and i held her. i couldn't believe my ears. she started talking about how he completely changed... how he called himself jesus and how she just wanted things to be how they were in the beginning. i don't necessarily believe in fate, but i do think there is a reason we were car neighbors: the universe has its ways. she needed us. i needed her. i started telling her about cameron. i told her how i'd just gotten done complaining to theresa i didn't like sebastian because he reminded me of my ex. she looked at me in disbelief: she didn't know anyone who was like him.
we started exchanging stories. she laughed shockingly at my recounts of cameron climbing into trees, believing that he made it rain and then telling me that i was a non-believer when i'd roll my eyes. "HE DOES THAT TOO!" she sighed, half crying. it was nuts. she told me about the things he'd say to her to make her feel bad; i told her about the ways cameron would intimidate me.
i told her about how he fucked another girl while i was in the other room. i told her about how i moved out, and about the meetings i started going to, and about how long i've been dealing with it. she spoke of just wanting to be done with it, but i could see that she was still in love-- still hoped he could change. i told her not to be discouraged by going back to him, that it was part of the process. that she's already recognizing where she is. i wanted her to see. i wanted her to keep the hope alive.
i told her about this guy that i just met. matt. that i've discovered that it is completely possible to find everything you ever wanted and never thought you deserved. that you DO deserve someone to lift you up, NOT put you down. when she spoke, i made sure to listen to every word. when she got quiet, i asked her to repeat herself. to speak up. i told her that her voice was beautiful, and it probably wasn't heard enough. it wasn't.
others saw her tears in the twilight and gave her loving embraces. it was so fucking beautiful, i have tears in my eyes just typing about it. they knew. they saw her pain and words weren't necessary. just love. just love everywhere. thankfully he was wandering around someplace, in his underwear no less, long enough for it to sink in.
after the show, we sat near a fire and decided to start making ourselves some dinner. a few guys joined us and we had a nice little group going.
"sebastian" would pop in and out, to cause a bit of a headache for jess. i was looking down at him with real pity this time. he was much smaller than cameron, and he didn't have a hold on me. it was a little empowering. whether or not i believe people are inherently good is thrown out the window: people like him make the choice to do what they do and it's sad. seeing the mini version helped my eyes open more to the smallness of my cameron.
our "neighbors" seemed distressed. we'd all planned to go down to watch a movie that would be projected onto a huge cliff. jess told us she'd meet up with us there. i fretted over this for a bit before moving forward, as it was getting dark. i knew she wasn't coming.
anyway, we waited on one of the other guy's friends, and as a reward, he gave me the most delicious rice krispie treat i've ever had-- actually made with hash oil and fruity pebbles. i guess that means i wasn't COMPLETELY sober, but for the most part, it was a substance-free experience.
on the walk there, we randomly reunited with austin, the musician, and continued our journey. we'd been invited previously from some others who were supposed to be passing around a "love jug" during the film. basically: a group of people who started a jug of something alcoholic and were accepting donations of psychedelics. and love, of course--if you didn't have anything to add to the jug. (it seemed like a good time, as i've done something similar before.) when we arrived, the movie was almost over and it was too dark anyway, so we didn't find the jug holders. as the credits rolled, the rain started to pour down and we made way for cover.
stranger huddling, tarps, hugs, permanent marker on patrons who fell asleep with their shoes on (haha), puddles, bare feet.
from a distance we could see several people already heaped together inside of safestock. some hadn't brought a tent, or were rained out. austin had a guitar and the ukulele on hand this time, and took it upon himself to play upon seating. another guy we'd spoken with during the show was wild-eyed by now and started makeshift breakdancing to austin's acoustic sound. ridiculous; hilarious. everything started calming down and i didn't know what time it was anymore. it didn't matter. i was more than content with the trip. i still wanted matt there, but i'd come to my own all night. it was a beautiful evening.
edit: whoops, almost forgot to mention the next day! i decided that i needed souvenirs, since i stayed pretty sober for the event so i went off to find the cactus man! haha. after talking to him a bit about my interest in mind expansion and shamanism, he gave me a free copy of a movie he was just in with author daniel pinchbeck and visual artist alex grey! very VERY cool. check out the trailer:
also: we exchanged numbers with jess.
theresa's cousin was able to drive back to the city, despite not finding her keys-- thanks to some locksmiths and a screwdriver.
and i knew i'd found a place to call home.
(whew, that was long.)
but i cannot wait to go back. july 30th - august 1st. this time the whole weekend will be mine, hopefully with the boy by my side. and HOPEFULLY some more friends can be convinced to drop their preconceived notions of schwag and just enjoy it with us. HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE.
i'm loving this summer. i'm loving this life.
i hope you all are well, in your minds and your hearts.
you deserve it.
♥