Message!
The internet has been distracting me from getting any school work done for the past several hours. Buttt that's nothing new! No names mean no drama, right? Hahahaha yeah right. Whatever.
1.
I hatehatehate more than anything that just because you & I had problems, someone out there is going to think less of me or think that I'm in the wrong when they don't even know the details of the situation. I'm a fucking good friend. I realize it's pointless to be angry about gossip, because everyone gossips-- me included-- but this is a journal, right? So. I'm expressing.
I'm doing what I'm doing because maybe you'll learn from it. Because I'm a Scorpio, baby, and I love to teach. Really, maybe you won't learn, but I'm also teaching myself. Teaching myself that I can't trust everyone's word, that I can't put faith in every move without expecting anything to crumble.
When you stop feeling the need to BE everything and KNOW everything, maybe you'll get that much further ahead. Lying doesn't get you there, honesty does. That's something I had to learn the hard way, a long time ago. And I don't think you're a bad person, because I think people are inherently good. I ended our situation because I felt that continuing it would only ruin our potential for any closeness. Maybe it's still going to be ruined, but at least I tried. And I'll learn from this for the next time.
2.
Everything you do or say throws me into such a mindfuck that I don't know what to do with myself, and I hate it. I don't want to be with you and I don't want to be without you. What a ridiculous addiction I have.
I don't think you're a bad person either. But people have bad habits, which cause them to do bad things. This doesn't mean the receivers of said "bad things" deserve them. When will you learn that you are not more special than anyone else just because you were granted some talent?
You're a sloppy kisser, you have a big nose, your eyebrows are ridiculous, and you're often just plain mean. But you make me laugh, I love your smile, I fit snuggly in your arms and (re:sometimes) you know just what I want & we understand each other completely. Sometimes though, even when you know what I want, you won't give it to me. Sometimes you're too concerned with someone pointing out your disillusioned grandoise status that you cannot realize your own mistakes or humble yourself enough to recognize your imperfections. Maybe it reminds you of the things she used to do or say. But you need to recognize that it is no fault of anyone else (mine!) that she hurt you. OR that you hurt her. Life happens.
Your eyes can go from making me feel so loved in one moment, to so hated in the next. They've had me fearing my own life. Asking myself which step I took to fall into this madness. Deep down I know we shouldn't be, because it's only hurting my psyche. But I can't imagine you gone. Is this what love is supposed to feel like? I wish I could forgive you enough to simply step back and be your friend. To accept our seperate ways. But maybe I'm too frustrated with the time and energy I've already put into this. Maybe I don't want to be apart, even though I know it may be the best path for me.
People who care about me cannot understand why I'd still want to be your friend, after all of this. But it doesn't matter, because it's too complicated to explain. Not everything can be put into words. I just wish I could cut off the feelings and start over. That would be too easy, I guess.
3.
I wish that we could have a better relationship these days. But I think, deep down, I've not been able to forgive you for shunning me. It wasn't my fault your relationship was ruined, but you blamed it on me. It wasn't my fault that my actions were not what you'd dreamt for me when I was little. You were supposed to love me regardless, and you didn't. You're so stubborn, and I took on that trait. It's so hard to let go of.
4.
I'm sorry I keep fucking up. I'm sorry I keep coming back to you for help. I know that you've always only tried to provide for me. I just wish we were closer. I wish I could talk to you about my daily life. But I realize that I need to stop wanting what other people have in their relationships and embrace what I do have.
5.
I'm sorry that I cannot ever forgive you for messing up. I'm sorry that I am putting you through such emotional turmoil everyday. (I know you can handle it though, you've seen worse days.) I'm sorry that you have such a hard time seperating what you want from what you intuitively know will work out. I'm sorry that sometimes I blame everything on everyone but you. I'm sorry that sometimes I think you're smarter and more in-tune than anyone else. You're not. You need to realize that this is life, and no one has got it just right yet. You're not a failure just because you're not in the exact place they tell you you should be. It's possible to be happy! Stop giving up! It's possible to succeed! There is no final destination, every step in the right direction of what you want is a success! Dammit. Open your eyes and move forward, already! But don't fall backwards into a pit of despair just because you've stumbled.
P.S. -- Government, go on & give me money already so I can stop stressing out so much. Or just a little less, for a month or two. Thanks.
1.
I hatehatehate more than anything that just because you & I had problems, someone out there is going to think less of me or think that I'm in the wrong when they don't even know the details of the situation. I'm a fucking good friend. I realize it's pointless to be angry about gossip, because everyone gossips-- me included-- but this is a journal, right? So. I'm expressing.
I'm doing what I'm doing because maybe you'll learn from it. Because I'm a Scorpio, baby, and I love to teach. Really, maybe you won't learn, but I'm also teaching myself. Teaching myself that I can't trust everyone's word, that I can't put faith in every move without expecting anything to crumble.
When you stop feeling the need to BE everything and KNOW everything, maybe you'll get that much further ahead. Lying doesn't get you there, honesty does. That's something I had to learn the hard way, a long time ago. And I don't think you're a bad person, because I think people are inherently good. I ended our situation because I felt that continuing it would only ruin our potential for any closeness. Maybe it's still going to be ruined, but at least I tried. And I'll learn from this for the next time.
2.
Everything you do or say throws me into such a mindfuck that I don't know what to do with myself, and I hate it. I don't want to be with you and I don't want to be without you. What a ridiculous addiction I have.
I don't think you're a bad person either. But people have bad habits, which cause them to do bad things. This doesn't mean the receivers of said "bad things" deserve them. When will you learn that you are not more special than anyone else just because you were granted some talent?
You're a sloppy kisser, you have a big nose, your eyebrows are ridiculous, and you're often just plain mean. But you make me laugh, I love your smile, I fit snuggly in your arms and (re:sometimes) you know just what I want & we understand each other completely. Sometimes though, even when you know what I want, you won't give it to me. Sometimes you're too concerned with someone pointing out your disillusioned grandoise status that you cannot realize your own mistakes or humble yourself enough to recognize your imperfections. Maybe it reminds you of the things she used to do or say. But you need to recognize that it is no fault of anyone else (mine!) that she hurt you. OR that you hurt her. Life happens.
Your eyes can go from making me feel so loved in one moment, to so hated in the next. They've had me fearing my own life. Asking myself which step I took to fall into this madness. Deep down I know we shouldn't be, because it's only hurting my psyche. But I can't imagine you gone. Is this what love is supposed to feel like? I wish I could forgive you enough to simply step back and be your friend. To accept our seperate ways. But maybe I'm too frustrated with the time and energy I've already put into this. Maybe I don't want to be apart, even though I know it may be the best path for me.
People who care about me cannot understand why I'd still want to be your friend, after all of this. But it doesn't matter, because it's too complicated to explain. Not everything can be put into words. I just wish I could cut off the feelings and start over. That would be too easy, I guess.
3.
I wish that we could have a better relationship these days. But I think, deep down, I've not been able to forgive you for shunning me. It wasn't my fault your relationship was ruined, but you blamed it on me. It wasn't my fault that my actions were not what you'd dreamt for me when I was little. You were supposed to love me regardless, and you didn't. You're so stubborn, and I took on that trait. It's so hard to let go of.
4.
I'm sorry I keep fucking up. I'm sorry I keep coming back to you for help. I know that you've always only tried to provide for me. I just wish we were closer. I wish I could talk to you about my daily life. But I realize that I need to stop wanting what other people have in their relationships and embrace what I do have.
5.
I'm sorry that I cannot ever forgive you for messing up. I'm sorry that I am putting you through such emotional turmoil everyday. (I know you can handle it though, you've seen worse days.) I'm sorry that you have such a hard time seperating what you want from what you intuitively know will work out. I'm sorry that sometimes I blame everything on everyone but you. I'm sorry that sometimes I think you're smarter and more in-tune than anyone else. You're not. You need to realize that this is life, and no one has got it just right yet. You're not a failure just because you're not in the exact place they tell you you should be. It's possible to be happy! Stop giving up! It's possible to succeed! There is no final destination, every step in the right direction of what you want is a success! Dammit. Open your eyes and move forward, already! But don't fall backwards into a pit of despair just because you've stumbled.
P.S. -- Government, go on & give me money already so I can stop stressing out so much. Or just a little less, for a month or two. Thanks.