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that is what my new icon is supposed to look like. it's actually pretty pathetic if you notice the book right next to my cleavage. i am a horrible person. so i was going to stop writing in this but lizz insisted, and so here I am once again. this weekend has once again been completely insane. I think i have lost my mind, somewhere inbetween here (my BU bed) and the train station. I am going to the dresden dolls at the Paradise at 8pm with Alex, Dave, Andrew and Alia and between now and then I have to write a 5 page paper, shower, and get drunk. oh, college. I find out today if i get that job in Minn...6 people are applying for the same position. i'm not sure what i will be doing this summer if I do not get this job. sell my soul, maybe? I came home for a night on firday and it was insane. i wish to never return to RI again. lizz was right when she said that my fetish and desire to be loved unconditionally by an equal are conflicting. this is very true and seems to be the prevalent problem in my emotional life right now. after andrew and I shared a bowl at 3am last night I came back to my empty dorm room and broke down crying. i'm not sure why I did this but shafer IMed me and pleaded with me that he was going to run in the rain to my room and stand outside my window and call me until i came down so he could give me a hug and a shoulder to cry on. and as nice as that sounded i completely rebuffed his proposal because i knew any sort of affection would send me to hysteria. i am afraid to let anyone into my heart because i fear that I will be hurt again which is ironic because what i need most right now is to be loved and cared for, which is what i have been recieving, but not on the emotional level that i was once used to.
it was accidentlly on purpose