(no subject)
i guess its true what they say. WHEN ONE DOOR CLOSES ANOTHER OPENS. but that doesn’t justify for the fact that i am an idiot. i read an e-mail from my teacher wrong and understood that the makeup date for the final (this friday, dec 16) was the actual date of the test. (he sent us this email because on the syllabus next to final date it said TBA) well a friend from my class told me she didnt see me at the final and i was confused. turns out the test was monday afternoon and i had missed it. (side note: this isnt the first time this has happened to me. last spring i read the time on the syllabus wrong and was 5 mins late to my nutrition final, which i almost completely missed had i not read the syllabus when i woke up in the morning). ive been pulling my hair out since yesterday night when i found out i missed my test. why am i so dumb? why do these things happen to me? but mostly i felt totally unintelligent for reading a trivial email wrong two times. i was questioning how i actually got into this university. well i told my boss at work my situation and how i had to have an actual valid excuse as to why i missed the final and "HEY IM A DUMB ASS AND CANT READ" isnt a very good one. he was like well i can write you a letter on the office letter head saying your apartment was flooded and you had to be here to take care of it during your test time (for those of you who dont know i work in the front office in my apartment complex). the wave of relief that came over me was so immense. now i just cross my fingers and pray my teacher validates this excuse as a true emergency and lets me take the makeup. he seems like a pretty cool understanding guy so i think he will.
on monday i will be spending a wonderful week in new jersey. bahh i always have mixed feelings when i go there i swear im closer to my stepmother than my own flesh and blood father. sometimes i feel as if the man has no emotion and thinks he can make me feel better by just buying me things. i remember when i was younger and he wouldnt be able to spend time with me alone because he wanted to be with his new girlfriends he would buy me barbies and toys. i love the gifts dont get me wrong. but sometimes we crave more than material things. (well at least some of us do) but in all honesty ive given up trying to establish a solid relationship with him. i do love him because he is my father, but thats about as far as it goes. its a shallow love for someone i hardly know. i do however enjoy spending time with the family i have up there. my little brothers, aunts and uncles, grandmas, and cousins. my cousin has a one year old baby whom i havent even met yet. i feel so horrible i havent been up there in almost over 2 years. my mother always bitches at me about never calling my family just to tell them hello and i love them. but at the same time they never call me. i know its no excuse but it seems like a mutual thing of not caring. but when we get together its all love. its hard to keep in touch with someone who isnt constantly in your life on a daily basis. you each have your own separate lives in separate worlds. many things occupy your time and the days, weeks, months, years just seem to slip by before you know it.
my mom gets mad at me because when i call her i dont leave her a message if she doesnt answer. i find it pointless to leave a message to just say hello, i was thinking of you call me back so we can talk. OBVIOUSLY i was thinking of you if i called you. if its not an emergency i find no reason to leave you a message. recently my mom had the epiphany that we arent the same person. and she doesnt own me, i am my own human capable of making my own decisions and most of the time they wont be what she agrees with. i thank he for this. even though it took her quite a while to realize it. i know she is just trying to gear me in the right direction. i love her for that and appreciate that she only wants what is best for me. i guess the only way to learn sometimes is by making mistakes. like when you are little and they tell you not to put your hand on the stove because its hot. but you dont know what hot means and you are so freaking curious as to this hot thing and why the hell cant you touch it? so of course you touch it. (at least i did) and you scream like hell because you realized what hot is. from that day on you know you shouldnt touch the stove because its hot. but sometimes they are wrong when they tell you not to do something because its bad for you. especially when its things they havent done. so you try it. sometimes you find its not good. sometimes you find its ok.
what about those times where you dont learn from your mistakes? you keep going and putting you hand on that damn stove and keep burning yourself. how do we stop that? do we like the pain? why? because that just doesn’t make any sense.
on monday i will be spending a wonderful week in new jersey. bahh i always have mixed feelings when i go there i swear im closer to my stepmother than my own flesh and blood father. sometimes i feel as if the man has no emotion and thinks he can make me feel better by just buying me things. i remember when i was younger and he wouldnt be able to spend time with me alone because he wanted to be with his new girlfriends he would buy me barbies and toys. i love the gifts dont get me wrong. but sometimes we crave more than material things. (well at least some of us do) but in all honesty ive given up trying to establish a solid relationship with him. i do love him because he is my father, but thats about as far as it goes. its a shallow love for someone i hardly know. i do however enjoy spending time with the family i have up there. my little brothers, aunts and uncles, grandmas, and cousins. my cousin has a one year old baby whom i havent even met yet. i feel so horrible i havent been up there in almost over 2 years. my mother always bitches at me about never calling my family just to tell them hello and i love them. but at the same time they never call me. i know its no excuse but it seems like a mutual thing of not caring. but when we get together its all love. its hard to keep in touch with someone who isnt constantly in your life on a daily basis. you each have your own separate lives in separate worlds. many things occupy your time and the days, weeks, months, years just seem to slip by before you know it.
my mom gets mad at me because when i call her i dont leave her a message if she doesnt answer. i find it pointless to leave a message to just say hello, i was thinking of you call me back so we can talk. OBVIOUSLY i was thinking of you if i called you. if its not an emergency i find no reason to leave you a message. recently my mom had the epiphany that we arent the same person. and she doesnt own me, i am my own human capable of making my own decisions and most of the time they wont be what she agrees with. i thank he for this. even though it took her quite a while to realize it. i know she is just trying to gear me in the right direction. i love her for that and appreciate that she only wants what is best for me. i guess the only way to learn sometimes is by making mistakes. like when you are little and they tell you not to put your hand on the stove because its hot. but you dont know what hot means and you are so freaking curious as to this hot thing and why the hell cant you touch it? so of course you touch it. (at least i did) and you scream like hell because you realized what hot is. from that day on you know you shouldnt touch the stove because its hot. but sometimes they are wrong when they tell you not to do something because its bad for you. especially when its things they havent done. so you try it. sometimes you find its not good. sometimes you find its ok.
what about those times where you dont learn from your mistakes? you keep going and putting you hand on that damn stove and keep burning yourself. how do we stop that? do we like the pain? why? because that just doesn’t make any sense.