Hi, my name is Elana...who the fuck am I?
I am not happy, for the first time in a long time. I now know what it feels like to have no optimism left; to be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. My sadness is then multiplied because I feel this way; it's not like me to be upset. I'm generally a very upbeat, happy, and optimistic person. So when I get this way I not only lose faith in goings-on in my life, but I lose faith in myself. Being sick for the last month has not helped. I have been deprived of doing the one thing in life which keeps me sane and grounded: singing. On top of that, I have no friends here, and I don't understand it. People who know me, yes, People who like me, yes. But true friends? I don't know. I just don't. I sit in my room alone, hours on end, no one calling or attempting to see if I want to do anything. It makes me feel lonely and unwanted. Casting aside that I haven't had physical contact with anyone in months, disregarding even that as completely irrelevant, it's as if no one really wants to put the effort into being my friend. Even people at home fail to contact me and make up excuses for not coming to see me. And usually, they're feeble excuses. That's the worst part, is that I can hear it in their voice that they have no desire to hang out with me, or that I hear empty promises that have people saying "they will try" to be somewhere or "try" to come and see me later. And I would say to them, "hey, I'm really lonely and sad, please do make it," but I'm too proud for that. I would never tell my parents, for instance, that I haven't felt true happiness in months. Never. They percieve me as happy, innovative, independent, and hardworking. And I usually am all of those things. But as of late I have been hiding what I really feel because it is embarassing to me; it gives something away about me that even I didn't know: that I am not always happy, not always okay with being the commit-o-phobe, and not always on top of my responsibilities. And I try so hard, and I fail, and that's what makes it so bad. When every time I am alone I have tears welling up within me, I know that I am not me. And that freaks me out.