Shallow Hobbies Make for Shallow People...
God, I'm shallow. I'm so shallow that any emotional or intellectual depth that I discover within myself suprises me. Sometimes I wonder if it suprises other people. Do I come off as caddy as I feel? Do I seem comatose during conversations of intellect? At Arlington I was an intellectual enigma, but at Bard I constantly feel mentally belittled. I am brought to the realization that perhaps I'm the only one who doesn't think of class outside of class. When I'm alone, when I'm pensieve, I think about the relationships I have, I think about sex, I think about music and partying, I think about piercings and tattoos, and I very rarely discuss philosophy in my own mind. When I'm in Roger's class, for example, sure I allow my mind to be sexed up with philosophy, but outside of it? The only topic which I feel breaches the gap between class and free time is politics, and even that has been falling thin. I'm not sure if this is because I am just not smart enough, or that my busy schedule is monopolizing my time and therefore I have no time to think, or that I just don't care. Is it shallow of me to be contemplating sex or vodka or opera when I could be considering Hegel or Locke or Kant? Is my major shallow? Is my major correct for me? Should I become a gender and sexuality studies major? I would rather be discussing the politics of sexuality in human life than discussing the existance of justice and god, when I'm outside of Roger's class. I am fascinated with gender preference and sex within the genders. I am also just fascinated with the human body and sex for pleasure. I feel like a shallow man in this respect- I think about fucking as often as a pair of rabbits in heat. And not necessarily even me having sex. Just the idea of fornication, sensuality and sexuality, being oneself and being sexy, teasing, touching, and mystery... all this as a combined idea of pure animal instinct. I am educated on this subject, but does the fact that I am quite educated in sexuality without ever having taken a gender studies class make me shallow? Because I come off as so when I bring up sex; it's just, "oh, here she goes again, silly LaLa. Such a hoe." Perhaps I am conveying my interest in the wrong respect. Either way, I am stuck in this everlasting void of a feeling of stupidity and shallowness, and feel I have no way of changing this aside from educating myself in things I am scarcely interested in outside of a classroom forum.
This brings me to the point that I am terrified of my major- everyone in all of my music classes (aside from the vocal ones) seem to know worlds more than I do about music. I am struck dumb by certain things, and while sometimes I feel it's because I'm just thick, other times I feel it's because I don't know something that I should, and I therefore feel I am in the incorrect field. Maybe I'll double major. That's a scary thought. I doubt there's any backing out of music now, and I think doing so would be a serious act of cowardice. But that doesn't stop me from being terrified. I was so much safer with creative writing, and now I have stepped out of my comfort zone and am having crazy internal panic attacks. I don't know how to do SHIT. I haven't even taken theory I. I feel I am way behind and the thought of moderation in several months is crushing my soul.
Luckily I am getting away from all of this for a weekend. As of 6:00 PM tonight, I have been on fall break until Wednesday. Even though I'm working on Monday and Tuesday, it's going to be nice to escape from this campus and these people and these classes. Lisa and I will be going to Woodstock tomorrow, perhaps then to Kevin McCurdy's. Then on Saturday we'll be going to Planet New York as well as seeing kAthY. Amber will finally be getting her tattoo...if she'd ever pick up her phone...sigh... Saturday night we should be crashing at Vassar, which will be interesting. Lisa has an old friend there whose willing to put us up. And Sunday we'll be having dinner with my folks, which should be nice. All-in-all, being home will be a relief and not having class on Monday or Tuesday will be a much-needed breath of fresh air from all of this crap that has been piling up in my mind.
This brings me to the point that I am terrified of my major- everyone in all of my music classes (aside from the vocal ones) seem to know worlds more than I do about music. I am struck dumb by certain things, and while sometimes I feel it's because I'm just thick, other times I feel it's because I don't know something that I should, and I therefore feel I am in the incorrect field. Maybe I'll double major. That's a scary thought. I doubt there's any backing out of music now, and I think doing so would be a serious act of cowardice. But that doesn't stop me from being terrified. I was so much safer with creative writing, and now I have stepped out of my comfort zone and am having crazy internal panic attacks. I don't know how to do SHIT. I haven't even taken theory I. I feel I am way behind and the thought of moderation in several months is crushing my soul.
Luckily I am getting away from all of this for a weekend. As of 6:00 PM tonight, I have been on fall break until Wednesday. Even though I'm working on Monday and Tuesday, it's going to be nice to escape from this campus and these people and these classes. Lisa and I will be going to Woodstock tomorrow, perhaps then to Kevin McCurdy's. Then on Saturday we'll be going to Planet New York as well as seeing kAthY. Amber will finally be getting her tattoo...if she'd ever pick up her phone...sigh... Saturday night we should be crashing at Vassar, which will be interesting. Lisa has an old friend there whose willing to put us up. And Sunday we'll be having dinner with my folks, which should be nice. All-in-all, being home will be a relief and not having class on Monday or Tuesday will be a much-needed breath of fresh air from all of this crap that has been piling up in my mind.