this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 3/4youcallitwinterAugust 19 2013, 00:14:55 UTC
He gives in eventually, to Yoon Jae's insistence, his obvious need to help him in his work, as an apology for something he probably hasn't fully realized.
Not that day, some other day, in a long list of days, because there just aren't enough excuses that don't sound like excuses, that don't sound like, I'm scared of your heart beating in sync with mine, my lips against yours.
Nothing really sounds like that, but he's had to listen to enough music to sometimes fill in spaces with poetry.
And tries to remember the instructions for CPR, how hard he can't press because that could mean death. Everything, he has come to learn, can mean death, and it's all about degrees and counts and numbers and precision. Details that don't involve the angle of Yoon Jae's tie and the square feet of distance between them.
He can feel the steady heartbeat beneath his hand and it's-
terrifying. Like he's the one drowning.
"I'm done," he mutters, because goddammit, he isn't a professional, he's playing at being one, and this isn't the learning curve, this is the actual test and he thinks he failed it. He thinks he failed it long ago and forgot to look up the scoresheet, failed it all the while back there in the Air Force Academy, and now he's just pretending. Pretending he still deserves the second-place seat, still deserves to be a desk's distance away from this boy.
Yoon Jae lifts his head from the carpet, the frown-line between his eyebrows faintly visible, not deep like it is when he's thinking of her, Joon Hee knows, like a permanent scar, but faint, barely visible, but still there, nonetheless, "I may not be the medical intern here, but I have seen enough television to know that you're supposed to blow air into my mouth. I'm getting the feeling you're leaving me here to choke on the saltwater, sir."
"We don't have to go through the whole routine," his voice is louder than he intends and he consciously lowers it, a decibel level that doesn't hit above the average mark, he lives off averages, "I mean, they have classes for this sort of thing. I don't even know if I accidentally crushed your chest in and you're already dead."
It's not like they don't touch, it's not that, because they do, the house it too small and they crowd it, and sometimes Yoon Jae's voice is too close to his ear, his slow, even breathing heating up the lobe, and sometimes it's the accidental touch of his hand and it's the accidental brush of his body in the doorway and it's--
accidental. It isn't anticipation tying his stomach in hard knots. He can't allow for anticipation, because that messes up the equation, that messes up the randomness of events, and brings an order, it brings the illusion of possibility to an impossibility, and it wouldn't be an accident anymore, one of these days, and the day after that, and every day after that. And Joon Hee-- Joon Hee was second place, but Joon Hee was never stupid.
Yoon Jae sits up, "you just didn't want to kiss me. Not so comfortable in your masculinity there, eh, Joon Hee-ya"
The tone is teasing and the next moment he finds himself in a headlock. Manly, friendly, this-is-a-guy-thing headlock. Yoon Jae isn't uncomfortable. Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable. Joon Hee is not in love with Shi Won and Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable anymore.
(Maybe sometimes, but only sometimes, he wishes Yoon Jae was. Uncomfortable. That he knew. Not knew, exactly, but felt. The atmosphere. Or something. Not enough to make him run, but enough to make him stand just a little further away, so maybe Joon Hee can fall outside the field of his gravity. It's impossible to make meaning from comfort.)
He doesn't know why they still buy the soju when they're both unable to wake up the day after and it twists his nerve endings in an endless waiting, and loosens his tongue to the point where he thinks it may just fall off, or somehow imprint all his secrets onto the smooth skin of Yoon Jae's back, and he doesn't know which would be worse.
this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 4/4youcallitwinterAugust 19 2013, 00:20:04 UTC
It still feels a little wrong, to nod his head when Yoon Jae slurs something like, "unrequited love sucks", like it's bonding over the realization of a universal knowledge between friends, and then watch him unconsciously finger the chain around his neck, the one that he knows she gave him once, when he'd asked for a real gift in exchange for a Grant-A-Wish coupon.
Joon Hee thinks it's plain leather, probably torn from one of her mother's handbags, tied with a string and two holes imperfectly made that always make one side higher than the other. It's isn't precise.
"But think of it this way," Yoon Jae says, conspiratorially, leaning forward, too close, these days he measures distances in ‘too close’ and ‘not close enough’ and maybe it’s on the same count, "if it didn't-- exist, half the film industry-- and practically all of the music industry would be-- gone. Which would also suck. So it's kind of a-- zero sum game. You know?"
He nods, because. Because it's always a zero sum game. That's kind of the secret.
"But then again, ridiculous bands like-- H.O.T. would be-- gone too, them and their Goodbye for the Last and It's Been Raining Since You Left Me and their As Much As I Loved You."
There's silence, for just a moment, but Joon Hee wants to say something then, say something about how a lost love isn't the same as an unrequited one. Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love.
But maybe, that's all just semantics, and he lost the plot four pages ago and is floundering in the details instead of the plot. But he doesn't. Say something. Anything. There is no courage to be had in liquid form, it has to be solid. Real.
Yoon Jae's snort is derisive, strangely empty of real emotion, "so maybe it's a fucking good thing after all."
There are pauses in the conversation, sure, and days in between, but it doesn't really end, he knows that. Unrequited love sucks like that.
"I bet she cried," Yoon Jae says simply, eyes still closed, slumped against the leg of the couch, "I bet she cried for days. The stupid, silly, child."
Joon Hee doesn't nod this time. Doesn't need to.
The next time-- there's always a next time-- even after the splitting headaches and the dry throats-- there's always the next time.
The bottle is empty; it seems to drain faster each time. He thinks he's breaking the pattern between the two of them, drinking more each time.
"I'm glad you're here," Yoon Jae stops mid-stride to his room, footsteps faltering as he stumbles his way back, his tie still slightly to the left, and Joon Hee's hand itches to set it straight, and he doesn't count anymore so he doesn't know if it's the five hundredth and third time or the five hundredth and fourth, "you could get lost in a place like this. I'm glad you're here."
A reversal from the trajectory to the closed door and an arm draped hard around his shoulder, Yoon Jae is not as drunk tonight, but mostly he's-- comfortable.
"I love you," Joon Hee says, consonants hard. And this time he is. Drunk. On alcohol, mostly. For a moment, he thinks his courage is solid.
Yoon Jae smiles, wide, "I love you too, man." and then "you're wasted."
(Yoon Jae is the one to drag him to bed, the lingering affection of not being alone and lost and alone-- because that sucks, that sucks more than unrequited love and impossible first loves and the importance of being earnest and the difficulty of being good-- probably making for the blanket and the hair pushed off his forehead and the body next to his, like the time in a room, long ago, in the middle of a forever summer in 1997.
It's not-- the story, an arc of fulfillment, Joon Hee knows, but maybe there's something, sometimes, to be said for comfort.)
Re: this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 4/4ever_neutralAugust 19 2013, 02:52:46 UTC
d. u suck 2
The truth is, he gets lost a lot. I AM ALREADY NOT OK
(The next time, he doesn’t look up. Lets the number go. Fifty eight times later, he’s completely forgotten the count. Honestly.) JOON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
They talk about H.O.T. They talk a lot about H.O.T. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. FOREVER.
HE IS JEALOUS OF HER HEARTBREAK ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME
Someday; maybe not right now, or tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but still, someday, those two will get it right. This Joon Hee believes. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. OF COURSE HE FOREVER BELIEVES IN HAPPY ENDINGS THAT AREN’T HIS. THIS ASSHOLE. I’M SO UPSET.
He gives in eventually, to Yoon Jae's insistence, his obvious need to help him in his work, as an apology for something he probably hasn't fully realized. THESE BAGS OF DICKS. I love love love the idea that Yoon Jae does know, on some level he’s afraid to acknowledge, because he doesn’t want to be responsible for that degree of power over someone.
Yoon Jae sits up, "you just didn't want to kiss me. Not so comfortable in your masculinity there, eh, Joon Hee-ya" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (I’m dying)
There's silence, for just a moment, but Joon Hee wants to say something then, say something about how a lost love isn't the same as an unrequited one. Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love. This is - I don’t - I CAN’T - I can’t even speak. I am Joon Hee.
… And of course, nothing changes in the end. Life just goes on and so does the pain. WHY IS THIS PERFECT. And your turn of phrase is as life-ruining as it has ever been.
I rue the day I ever posted this prompt, I truly do.
Re: this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 4/4youcallitwinterAugust 19 2013, 11:00:00 UTC
d. u suck infinity, no returns.
JOON HEE, THOUGH, UGH, I DIDN'T QUITE REALIZE HOW MUCH I FELT FOR HIM TILL I STARTED WRITING AND SAW THE GIFS AND REMEMBERED HOW GORGEOUS A CHARACTER HE WAS.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. OF COURSE HE FOREVER BELIEVES IN HAPPY ENDINGS THAT AREN’T HIS. THIS ASSHOLE. I’M SO UPSET.
YOU KNOW IT. HE THINKS THE TWO PEOPLE HE LOVES MOST BELONG TOGETHER AND HE IS OKAY. MOSTLY.
I love love love the idea that Yoon Jae does know, on some level he’s afraid to acknowledge, because he doesn’t want to be responsible for that degree of power over someone.
ugh, you know favorite scene right there where Yoon Jae finds out and you have this horrible anticipation of how the relationship will change and how he'll react and then he's like *hand over shoulder* "Let's go for dinner", and I just DIED SO MUCH. What a stunning arc, truly.
I rue the day I ever posted this prompt, I truly do.
That was obv my only intention tbh.
I want to write your Boys Over Flowers prompt too. Why would you..
Re: this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 4/4vergoldungAugust 19 2013, 03:31:30 UTC
hysterical screeching and wow i'm so emotionally drained that i don't even have the energy to capslock anymore i think there is irony in that y/n
ugh the chain ugh that convo ugh too close and not close enough are the fucking same thing these days ughhhh ugh the necklace isn't precise but it looks great in the sunlight ugh ugh ugh ugh h.o.t. ugh h.o.t. and all those liferuining idols ugh ugh UGH NO NO WHY GOD I DON'T CARE THEIR SILENT UNDERSTANDING TRUMPS ALL UGHHH YOU'VE MADE ME CAPSLOCK AGAIN WOW THAT'S JUST GROSS but really
Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love. i am being cut into tiny tiny little pieces by your sharp mean merciless words ewwww this is so many levels of wrong you should not be allowed to do something like that WHY DO YOU KNOW THINGS this is very upsetting
"I bet she cried," Yoon Jae says simply, eyes still closed, slumped against the leg of the couch, "I bet she cried for days. The stupid, silly, child." ARRRGGHHHHH GODDAMMIT YOONJAE IS SO INFURIATING I WISH TO DO VIOLEEEEENCE SO MUCH VIOLENCE HE IS THE EFFING DUMBEST IN THE ROOM IT'S MADDENING
The bottle is empty; it seems to drain faster each time. He thinks he's breaking the pattern between the two of them, drinking more each time. i'm not okkaaaaayyyyyy so not okay not okay at all sobbing really
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................ hahahahaha LOL NO OK NO
aldfgfkgfjgkfd i absolutely LOVED this and i have way too many feelings to write a proper comment, i am sorry. but seriously. this. this hurt but in a good way and ugh all my reply 1997 feelings are coming back now /o\
Haha, it's been a while since I watched the show, I'm not as familiar with the setting now so I was hoping I wouldn't mess it up. Thank you, I'm so glad you liked it!
Re: this is how you make meaning | reply 1997 | joon hee/yoon jae(/shi won) | 3/4vergoldungAugust 19 2013, 03:01:56 UTC
so i'd like to start of this comment by saying I DON'T THINK I'M READY FOR THIS honestly i was never going to be ready but really i didn't think i would be shaking because of that, good job bro.
as an apology for something he probably hasn't fully realized nope i do not want yoonjae feeling do not give them to me ugghhhhhh this is not nice of you
Not that day, some other day, in a long list of days, because there just aren't enough excuses that don't sound like excuses, that don't sound like, I'm scared of your heart beating in sync with mine, my lips against yours. R E A L L Y you went there of course you did i knew that's what i was in for why do i keep forgetting that this is the reason i needed you to watch this mothereffing show in the first place but idk maybe i keep forgetting that this is everything i ever wanted BECAUSE IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE AGONY
And tries to remember the instructions for CPR, how hard he can't press because that could mean death. LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF HOW GPOY THIS IS LIKE IT LITERALLY JUST TOLD ALEX HOW I WAS SLOWLY SLOWLY READING UP MY WAY TO THIS BIGGER PART BECAUSE I'M 100% CONVINCED THAT IT'S PLOTTING MY DEATH. (precision : that laugh is a hollow one)
Details that don't involve the angle of Yoon Jae's tie and the square feet of distance between them. UGH WHY ARE YOU PERFECT WHY ARE YOU SERIOUSLY I JUST TRULY HATE YOU AND REGRET EVER ASSOCIATING WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE (nvr)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF BEING SO CRUEL THIS IS THE TEST AND HE FAILED IT YEARS AGO AND PRETENDING WAS THE ONLY WAY TO DRAW IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER ALWAYS A LITTLE LONGER FORTY SECONDS LONGER FUCK I LOATHE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART LIKE HOW CAN YOU PUT ME IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT EXPECT ME TO HAND YOU A DIVORCE I MEAN Pretending he still deserves the second-place seat, still deserves to be a desk's distance away from this boy. OMG ARE YOU FOR REAL OH YES YOU ARE FOR REAL AND YOU AREN'T PLAYING IT COOL
w h a t DID YOU JUST INVENT A SHIWON WRINKLE ON YOONJAE'S FACE IS THIS A THING THAT'S HAPPENING.... omfg i am not cut out for this nope nope nope AND OMGGGGGG YOONJAE IS THE WORST WORST WORST HE DESERVES ALL THE WRINKLES EVER KILL HIM WITH WRINKLES PLS /creys
he. lives. off. averages. ONLY YOU ONLY YOU ONLY YOUUUUU IN MY HEART I'M SO HELPLESS YOU COULD PROBABLY DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED WITH ME AND I WOULD EXECUTE MYSELF WITH A DAZZED SMILE. FML.
accidental. It isn't anticipation tying his stomach in hard knots. He can't allow for anticipation, because that messes up the equation, that messes up the randomness of events, and brings an order, it brings the illusion of possibility to an impossibility, and it wouldn't be an accident anymore, one of these days, and the day after that, and every day after that. And Joon Hee-- Joon Hee was second place, but Joon Hee was never stupid. THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH WORDS FOR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU NOTHING COMES CLOSE TO YOUR EVILNESS LIKE I CAN'T EVEN PUT MY FEELINGS INTO WORDS THIS IS HELL
Yoon Jae isn't uncomfortable. Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable. Joon Hee is not in love with Shi Won and Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable anymore. SCREAMING CRYING KICKING NO NO NONO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED YOU'RE JUST NOT ALLOWED NOT FUCKING ALLOWED JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE TO ME YOU'RE LYING HE'S LYING EVERYBODY IS WRONG AND NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS PRETTY AND I WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE................................
god i'm so done with you and them i just hate everything ok this is unbearable
Not enough to make him run, but enough to make him stand just a little further away, so maybe Joon Hee can fall outside the field of his gravity. lol in your dreams joonhee, yoonjae is a million times too selfish to ever allow that ever
It's impossible to make meaning from comfort. F U CKKK i refuse this oh fuck fuck fuck this is actually disgusting you are disgusting why are you so good at what you do JUDGING MY PAST LIFE CHOICES SO HARD RIGHT NOW why did i ever think god i am so NAIVE
that last paragraph.... c r e y i n g and sorry but idek how to do words anymore just go away pls pls pls
Not that day, some other day, in a long list of days, because there just aren't enough excuses that don't sound like excuses, that don't sound like, I'm scared of your heart beating in sync with mine, my lips against yours.
Nothing really sounds like that, but he's had to listen to enough music to sometimes fill in spaces with poetry.
And tries to remember the instructions for CPR, how hard he can't press because that could mean death. Everything, he has come to learn, can mean death, and it's all about degrees and counts and numbers and precision. Details that don't involve the angle of Yoon Jae's tie and the square feet of distance between them.
He can feel the steady heartbeat beneath his hand and it's-
terrifying. Like he's the one drowning.
"I'm done," he mutters, because goddammit, he isn't a professional, he's playing at being one, and this isn't the learning curve, this is the actual test and he thinks he failed it. He thinks he failed it long ago and forgot to look up the scoresheet, failed it all the while back there in the Air Force Academy, and now he's just pretending. Pretending he still deserves the second-place seat, still deserves to be a desk's distance away from this boy.
Yoon Jae lifts his head from the carpet, the frown-line between his eyebrows faintly visible, not deep like it is when he's thinking of her, Joon Hee knows, like a permanent scar, but faint, barely visible, but still there, nonetheless, "I may not be the medical intern here, but I have seen enough television to know that you're supposed to blow air into my mouth. I'm getting the feeling you're leaving me here to choke on the saltwater, sir."
"We don't have to go through the whole routine," his voice is louder than he intends and he consciously lowers it, a decibel level that doesn't hit above the average mark, he lives off averages, "I mean, they have classes for this sort of thing. I don't even know if I accidentally crushed your chest in and you're already dead."
It's not like they don't touch, it's not that, because they do, the house it too small and they crowd it, and sometimes Yoon Jae's voice is too close to his ear, his slow, even breathing heating up the lobe, and sometimes it's the accidental touch of his hand and it's the accidental brush of his body in the doorway and it's--
accidental. It isn't anticipation tying his stomach in hard knots. He can't allow for anticipation, because that messes up the equation, that messes up the randomness of events, and brings an order, it brings the illusion of possibility to an impossibility, and it wouldn't be an accident anymore, one of these days, and the day after that, and every day after that. And Joon Hee-- Joon Hee was second place, but Joon Hee was never stupid.
Yoon Jae sits up, "you just didn't want to kiss me. Not so comfortable in your masculinity there, eh, Joon Hee-ya"
The tone is teasing and the next moment he finds himself in a headlock. Manly, friendly, this-is-a-guy-thing headlock. Yoon Jae isn't uncomfortable. Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable. Joon Hee is not in love with Shi Won and Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable anymore.
(Maybe sometimes, but only sometimes, he wishes Yoon Jae was. Uncomfortable. That he knew. Not knew, exactly, but felt. The atmosphere. Or something. Not enough to make him run, but enough to make him stand just a little further away, so maybe Joon Hee can fall outside the field of his gravity. It's impossible to make meaning from comfort.)
He doesn't know why they still buy the soju when they're both unable to wake up the day after and it twists his nerve endings in an endless waiting, and loosens his tongue to the point where he thinks it may just fall off, or somehow imprint all his secrets onto the smooth skin of Yoon Jae's back, and he doesn't know which would be worse.
Reply
Joon Hee thinks it's plain leather, probably torn from one of her mother's handbags, tied with a string and two holes imperfectly made that always make one side higher than the other. It's isn't precise.
"But think of it this way," Yoon Jae says, conspiratorially, leaning forward, too close, these days he measures distances in ‘too close’ and ‘not close enough’ and maybe it’s on the same count, "if it didn't-- exist, half the film industry-- and practically all of the music industry would be-- gone. Which would also suck. So it's kind of a-- zero sum game. You know?"
He nods, because. Because it's always a zero sum game. That's kind of the secret.
"But then again, ridiculous bands like-- H.O.T. would be-- gone too, them and their Goodbye for the Last and It's Been Raining Since You Left Me and their As Much As I Loved You."
There's silence, for just a moment, but Joon Hee wants to say something then, say something about how a lost love isn't the same as an unrequited one. Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love.
But maybe, that's all just semantics, and he lost the plot four pages ago and is floundering in the details instead of the plot. But he doesn't. Say something. Anything. There is no courage to be had in liquid form, it has to be solid. Real.
Yoon Jae's snort is derisive, strangely empty of real emotion, "so maybe it's a fucking good thing after all."
There are pauses in the conversation, sure, and days in between, but it doesn't really end, he knows that. Unrequited love sucks like that.
"I bet she cried," Yoon Jae says simply, eyes still closed, slumped against the leg of the couch, "I bet she cried for days. The stupid, silly, child."
Joon Hee doesn't nod this time. Doesn't need to.
The next time-- there's always a next time-- even after the splitting headaches and the dry throats-- there's always the next time.
The bottle is empty; it seems to drain faster each time. He thinks he's breaking the pattern between the two of them, drinking more each time.
"I'm glad you're here," Yoon Jae stops mid-stride to his room, footsteps faltering as he stumbles his way back, his tie still slightly to the left, and Joon Hee's hand itches to set it straight, and he doesn't count anymore so he doesn't know if it's the five hundredth and third time or the five hundredth and fourth, "you could get lost in a place like this. I'm glad you're here."
A reversal from the trajectory to the closed door and an arm draped hard around his shoulder, Yoon Jae is not as drunk tonight, but mostly he's-- comfortable.
"I love you," Joon Hee says, consonants hard. And this time he is. Drunk. On alcohol, mostly. For a moment, he thinks his courage is solid.
Yoon Jae smiles, wide, "I love you too, man." and then "you're wasted."
(Yoon Jae is the one to drag him to bed, the lingering affection of not being alone and lost and alone-- because that sucks, that sucks more than unrequited love and impossible first loves and the importance of being earnest and the difficulty of being good-- probably making for the blanket and the hair pushed off his forehead and the body next to his, like the time in a room, long ago, in the middle of a forever summer in 1997.
It's not-- the story, an arc of fulfillment, Joon Hee knows, but maybe there's something, sometimes, to be said for comfort.)
Reply
The truth is, he gets lost a lot.
I AM ALREADY NOT OK
(The next time, he doesn’t look up. Lets the number go. Fifty eight times later, he’s completely forgotten the count. Honestly.)
JOON HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
They talk about H.O.T. They talk a lot about H.O.T.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. FOREVER.
HE IS JEALOUS OF HER HEARTBREAK ARE YOU FUCKING JOKING ME
Someday; maybe not right now, or tomorrow, or next week, or next year, but still, someday, those two will get it right. This Joon Hee believes.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. OF COURSE HE FOREVER BELIEVES IN HAPPY ENDINGS THAT AREN’T HIS. THIS ASSHOLE. I’M SO UPSET.
He gives in eventually, to Yoon Jae's insistence, his obvious need to help him in his work, as an apology for something he probably hasn't fully realized.
THESE BAGS OF DICKS. I love love love the idea that Yoon Jae does know, on some level he’s afraid to acknowledge, because he doesn’t want to be responsible for that degree of power over someone.
Yoon Jae sits up, "you just didn't want to kiss me. Not so comfortable in your masculinity there, eh, Joon Hee-ya"
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (I’m dying)
There's silence, for just a moment, but Joon Hee wants to say something then, say something about how a lost love isn't the same as an unrequited one. Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love.
This is - I don’t - I CAN’T - I can’t even speak. I am Joon Hee.
… And of course, nothing changes in the end. Life just goes on and so does the pain. WHY IS THIS PERFECT. And your turn of phrase is as life-ruining as it has ever been.
I rue the day I ever posted this prompt, I truly do.
d. U SUCK SO MUCH
Reply
JOON HEE, THOUGH, UGH, I DIDN'T QUITE REALIZE HOW MUCH I FELT FOR HIM TILL I STARTED WRITING AND SAW THE GIFS AND REMEMBERED HOW GORGEOUS A CHARACTER HE WAS.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. OF COURSE HE FOREVER BELIEVES IN HAPPY ENDINGS THAT AREN’T HIS. THIS ASSHOLE. I’M SO UPSET.
YOU KNOW IT. HE THINKS THE TWO PEOPLE HE LOVES MOST BELONG TOGETHER AND HE IS OKAY. MOSTLY.
I love love love the idea that Yoon Jae does know, on some level he’s afraid to acknowledge, because he doesn’t want to be responsible for that degree of power over someone.
ugh, you know favorite scene right there where Yoon Jae finds out and you have this horrible anticipation of how the relationship will change and how he'll react and then he's like *hand over shoulder* "Let's go for dinner", and I just DIED SO MUCH. What a stunning arc, truly.
I rue the day I ever posted this prompt, I truly do.
That was obv my only intention tbh.
I want to write your Boys Over Flowers prompt too. Why would you..
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ugh the chain
ugh that convo
ugh too close and not close enough are the fucking same thing these days ughhhh
ugh the necklace isn't precise but it looks great in the sunlight ugh ugh ugh
ugh h.o.t. ugh h.o.t. and all those liferuining idols ugh ugh
UGH NO NO WHY GOD I DON'T CARE THEIR SILENT UNDERSTANDING TRUMPS ALL UGHHH YOU'VE MADE ME CAPSLOCK AGAIN WOW THAT'S JUST GROSS
but really
Just the sheer possibility of love isn’t to be compared to the impossibility of love.
i am being cut into tiny tiny little pieces by your sharp mean merciless words ewwww this is so many levels of wrong you should not be allowed to do something like that WHY DO YOU KNOW THINGS this is very upsetting
"I bet she cried," Yoon Jae says simply, eyes still closed, slumped against the leg of the couch, "I bet she cried for days. The stupid, silly, child."
ARRRGGHHHHH GODDAMMIT YOONJAE IS SO INFURIATING I WISH TO DO VIOLEEEEENCE SO MUCH VIOLENCE HE IS THE EFFING DUMBEST IN THE ROOM IT'S MADDENING
The bottle is empty; it seems to drain faster each time. He thinks he's breaking the pattern between the two of them, drinking more each time.
i'm not okkaaaaayyyyyy so not okay not okay at all
sobbing really
........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................
hahahahaha
LOL NO OK NO
goodbye forever
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stitch me up again i'm bleeding out all over the floor
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but seriously. this. this hurt but in a good way and ugh all my reply 1997 feelings are coming back now /o\
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as an apology for something he probably hasn't fully realized
nope i do not want yoonjae feeling do not give them to me ugghhhhhh this is not nice of you
Not that day, some other day, in a long list of days, because there just aren't enough excuses that don't sound like excuses, that don't sound like, I'm scared of your heart beating in sync with mine, my lips against yours.
R E A L L Y
you went there of course you did i knew that's what i was in for why do i keep forgetting that this is the reason i needed you to watch this mothereffing show in the first place but idk maybe i keep forgetting that this is everything i ever wanted BECAUSE IT FUCKING HURTS LIKE AGONY
And tries to remember the instructions for CPR, how hard he can't press because that could mean death.
LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW BECAUSE OF HOW GPOY THIS IS LIKE IT LITERALLY JUST TOLD ALEX HOW I WAS SLOWLY SLOWLY READING UP MY WAY TO THIS BIGGER PART BECAUSE I'M 100% CONVINCED THAT IT'S PLOTTING MY DEATH. (precision : that laugh is a hollow one)
Details that don't involve the angle of Yoon Jae's tie and the square feet of distance between them.
UGH WHY ARE YOU PERFECT WHY ARE YOU SERIOUSLY I JUST TRULY HATE YOU AND REGRET EVER ASSOCIATING WITH YOU IN THE FIRST PLACE (nvr)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NONONO NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOW DO YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF BEING SO CRUEL THIS IS THE TEST AND HE FAILED IT YEARS AGO AND PRETENDING WAS THE ONLY WAY TO DRAW IT OUT A LITTLE LONGER ALWAYS A LITTLE LONGER FORTY SECONDS LONGER FUCK I LOATHE YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART LIKE HOW CAN YOU PUT ME IN THIS MUCH PAIN AND NOT EXPECT ME TO HAND YOU A DIVORCE I MEAN Pretending he still deserves the second-place seat, still deserves to be a desk's distance away from this boy. OMG ARE YOU FOR REAL OH YES YOU ARE FOR REAL AND YOU AREN'T PLAYING IT COOL
w h a t DID YOU JUST INVENT A SHIWON WRINKLE ON YOONJAE'S FACE IS THIS A THING THAT'S HAPPENING.... omfg i am not cut out for this nope nope nope
AND OMGGGGGG YOONJAE IS THE WORST WORST WORST HE DESERVES ALL THE WRINKLES EVER KILL HIM WITH WRINKLES PLS /creys
he. lives. off. averages. ONLY YOU ONLY YOU ONLY YOUUUUU IN MY HEART I'M SO HELPLESS YOU COULD PROBABLY DO WHATEVER YOU WANTED WITH ME AND I WOULD EXECUTE MYSELF WITH A DAZZED SMILE. FML.
accidental. It isn't anticipation tying his stomach in hard knots. He can't allow for anticipation, because that messes up the equation, that messes up the randomness of events, and brings an order, it brings the illusion of possibility to an impossibility, and it wouldn't be an accident anymore, one of these days, and the day after that, and every day after that. And Joon Hee-- Joon Hee was second place, but Joon Hee was never stupid.
THERE ARE NEVER ENOUGH WORDS FOR HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU NOTHING COMES CLOSE TO YOUR EVILNESS LIKE I CAN'T EVEN PUT MY FEELINGS INTO WORDS THIS IS HELL
Yoon Jae isn't uncomfortable. Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable. Joon Hee is not in love with Shi Won and Yoon Jae is never uncomfortable anymore.
SCREAMING CRYING KICKING NO NO NONO YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED YOU'RE JUST NOT ALLOWED NOT FUCKING ALLOWED JESUS FUCKING CHRIST NO THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE TO ME YOU'RE LYING HE'S LYING EVERYBODY IS WRONG AND NOTHING ABOUT THIS IS PRETTY AND I WANT TO CURL UP AND DIE................................
god i'm so done with you and them i just hate everything ok this is unbearable
Not enough to make him run, but enough to make him stand just a little further away, so maybe Joon Hee can fall outside the field of his gravity.
lol in your dreams joonhee, yoonjae is a million times too selfish to ever allow that ever
It's impossible to make meaning from comfort.
F U CKKK i refuse this oh fuck fuck fuck this is actually disgusting you are disgusting why are you so good at what you do JUDGING MY PAST LIFE CHOICES SO HARD RIGHT NOW why did i ever think god i am so NAIVE
that last paragraph....
c r e y i n g
and sorry but idek how to do words anymore just go away pls pls pls
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