things just keep getting worse and worse...
yesterday my doctor called and said that the cat scan didn't go good. so now I have to see a lung specialist...with the possible chance that I'll have to get a biopsy. Well lets face it here and not try to sugar coat things (cause the doctors do that and I fucking hate them for it) but I will most likely have to get a biopsy. Will I? I don't know, there's a chance that I will and a chance that I wont. There's really only two effective ways: 1) involves then sedating me (but not puting me under) and sticking a fucking needle in my chest. Thanks but no thanks. There's really no way that I would ever go that route. Which is why I would opt for #2, however #2 isn't much better. 2) involves them putting you out and cutting open your chest and lungs. My question to the doctors is: if your going to cut me open and remove a piece of the tumor, why don't you just remove the whole god damn thing, fucking genius? God I hate fucking doctors. all of them are a fucking piece of shit.
So what did I do yesterday? Since the xanax is gone, the only reasonable thing I could think was to get wasted. And get wasted I did. funny how crying really intesifies things. fuck. So I tried to run away yesterday and that was unsuccessful. I just want to work. I really like my new job a lot, and the fact of the matter is that it's the only real important thing in my life right now. I mean all I wanted to do was to work real hard this year and save up a lot of money to move to Florida with Matt next year and start that company. But thanks to the absolutly wonderful pieces of fucking shit called doctors, it looks like that's not in the cards. But if I can't do that then what is the point in living? Really. and don't tell me cause of you or you or you....because you people aren't making my future. I hate college. I hate school. I can't stick it out, there's no way. And to ask Matt to wait. I know that he would, but that's not fair to him. And it's the only thing that's important to me. fuck.
so then I called matt last night at like 2am. I'm waiting for him to call me back. The message was basically like "Matt, I am so scared and I don't know what to do. I don't know what the answer is. Call me back and tell me what I should do and I'll listen." Because Matt is the only one that I'm really willing to listen to at this point. It's nothing personal against anyone else. It just kinda goes like this: Matt is my very very best friend and out of all of the time that we've been friends he's always told me what the right thing to do is. He's always had nothing but the best intentions when it comes to things dealing with me. He's never steered me in the wrong direction. Really I look to him for all of my advice because I know that he will tell me what the right thing to do is and not just what he thinks is the right thing. And all of this time I've never listened to him. He told me don't hang out with Nino and Grant, and what did I do? I didn't listen, and look where it got me. He said don't quit gutter grate, just stick it out. and I didn't listen and look where that got me. Everytime I've ignored Matt's advice I've gotten royally fucked. So after the whole Nino/ Grant thing, I started to listen to him. And now I am just waiting for him to tell me what to do.
God this is so fucked up. Why me? I am trying here. I am trying to be a good person. And I know that this is all a test. But look...if my fucking bitch of a mother can still be alive at her age with all of the shit that she's done, why give me cancer? I can't fucking handle this. And then the only way that I can handle it without going completely insane, is by accepting God's will. I started thinking yesterday that science is the anti-christ. Think about it...science is the reason for all of the horrible things (car pollution, tanning beds, ciggarettes) and then they claim to have the answer for everything (radiation therapy, chemo--none of which I will resort to at all, I will die before that). Science fuck you!!
So what did I do yesterday? Since the xanax is gone, the only reasonable thing I could think was to get wasted. And get wasted I did. funny how crying really intesifies things. fuck. So I tried to run away yesterday and that was unsuccessful. I just want to work. I really like my new job a lot, and the fact of the matter is that it's the only real important thing in my life right now. I mean all I wanted to do was to work real hard this year and save up a lot of money to move to Florida with Matt next year and start that company. But thanks to the absolutly wonderful pieces of fucking shit called doctors, it looks like that's not in the cards. But if I can't do that then what is the point in living? Really. and don't tell me cause of you or you or you....because you people aren't making my future. I hate college. I hate school. I can't stick it out, there's no way. And to ask Matt to wait. I know that he would, but that's not fair to him. And it's the only thing that's important to me. fuck.
so then I called matt last night at like 2am. I'm waiting for him to call me back. The message was basically like "Matt, I am so scared and I don't know what to do. I don't know what the answer is. Call me back and tell me what I should do and I'll listen." Because Matt is the only one that I'm really willing to listen to at this point. It's nothing personal against anyone else. It just kinda goes like this: Matt is my very very best friend and out of all of the time that we've been friends he's always told me what the right thing to do is. He's always had nothing but the best intentions when it comes to things dealing with me. He's never steered me in the wrong direction. Really I look to him for all of my advice because I know that he will tell me what the right thing to do is and not just what he thinks is the right thing. And all of this time I've never listened to him. He told me don't hang out with Nino and Grant, and what did I do? I didn't listen, and look where it got me. He said don't quit gutter grate, just stick it out. and I didn't listen and look where that got me. Everytime I've ignored Matt's advice I've gotten royally fucked. So after the whole Nino/ Grant thing, I started to listen to him. And now I am just waiting for him to tell me what to do.
God this is so fucked up. Why me? I am trying here. I am trying to be a good person. And I know that this is all a test. But look...if my fucking bitch of a mother can still be alive at her age with all of the shit that she's done, why give me cancer? I can't fucking handle this. And then the only way that I can handle it without going completely insane, is by accepting God's will. I started thinking yesterday that science is the anti-christ. Think about it...science is the reason for all of the horrible things (car pollution, tanning beds, ciggarettes) and then they claim to have the answer for everything (radiation therapy, chemo--none of which I will resort to at all, I will die before that). Science fuck you!!