[Chapter] Hold Me Close (3/?)
Title: Hold Me Close
Wordcount: 3.584 out of 10.461 words
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Castiel/Dean, Amelia/Jimmy, Anna/Ruby, Sam/Gadreel (in later chapters)
Tags: soldier!dean, au, domestic au, kid fic, art teacher!cas, referenced character death (of a minor character), deployment, self harm mentions, mentions of scars,
Summary: In his entire life, Castiel hadn’t expected diapers, baby bottles and nights without sleep because one of the kids had a rough night to ever be in his future. Yet, it is. Dean and he spend days logging around strollers, trying to make ends meet and working through their problems.If he’s honest, the only thing keeping him on top of it, is Dean and Dean? He won’t stay forever. After all, his boyfriend is a soldier. They spend the first few weeks of them taking care of the kids in a steady pace; Cas taking the time to work through losing his brother and enjoying each other’s company. Dean’s deployment crawls upon them when they expect it least, the date coming closer and closer with each passing day.
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"Because in the end, when you lose somebody,
every candle, every prayer is not going to make up
for the fact that the only thing you have left
is a hole in your life where
that somebody that you cared about
used to be."
~ sd.
In the past couple of weeks, both Dean and Cas had gotten quite a lot fitter. The kids forced them to go to a lot of the places they were supposed to be on foot and well, the walking did both of them good. They had the car seats, that wasn’t the problem, they just couldn’t go anywhere without taking two different cars. It was too much of a hassle, especially if all they had to do was go get some groceries.
So, today they too were planning on walking home. John and Bobby however steered them in the opposite direction.
“Okay, don’t kill us just yet,” John said gruffly as he led them to a dark grey car, “but we thought that we could get you this as a graduation present. You can’t keep the kids in that Impala without practically dying. No Dean, that car isn’t safe for all of you. So, we thought.” He trailed off. “It’s a big old family car and it’s bulky, nothing like that shiny Impala. Hell, it’s probably the last thing that you want to be driving, but you need it. You can’t even haul around all four and drive your car so. This should fit y’all. Honda Odyssey, fits the six of you and two extra, in case you’d ever decide that four kids isn’t enough for your liking. You’ll finally be able to strap everybody in without almost snapping your back in two to reach them kiddos.”
“It’s -“
“Huge, we know. Trust us, you’ll be happy once you figure out that you can actually fit both strollers in the back and groceries.” John knew that it had been a problem that the two of them had been experiencing. They could go grocery shopping, but they always had to make sure that they went by foot and somehow found a way to carry all the groceries back. They could split up and have one of the two take care of all four, but that proved to be more than hectic.
“Thanks man, it’s too much,” Dean muttered, clearly unsure what to do with himself at that moment. And Cas got that, he really did. It was awkward, getting a gift that big. He wasn’t even sure if they could have ever accepted that if situation had been differently. “It really is.”
“Don’t worry about it. It’s the least we can do. If you really want to repay us, offer us a ride back and we don’t talk about it.” Bobby offered them a smile. “No but seriously, don’t worry about it. We needed a present and we got this in after one customer got a new car so.”
Turned out Sam had been in the complot. He had gone back to grab the car seats at their house, so they were about good to go. Driving the car felt weird to say the least. It was a lot bigger than Dean’s Impala or Castiel’s former car and well, ran like a dream. Bucking everybody in had been kind of awkward as they figured out where they could best put everybody, but they eventually figured something out that would work for now.
John and Bobby hadn’t been lying about the trunk, it was heavenly. It almost fit the two strollers easily. In comparison to their previous cars, this was indeed heaven and nothing could convince Cas of the opposite.
“This is nice,” Dean muttered almost reluctantly, glancing at the mirror to see if the kids were still doing okay back there. “I can see them and it’s awesome.” All of them were passed out in the backseat of the car, the boys in the first row of seats and the girls in the complete back. From the looks of it, neither of them would be waking up anytime soon. “I feel old man. We’re supposed to be you know having fun, looking for jobs, partying, not taking care of four kids under the age of two with sleeping problems. This is weird.”
Castiel recognized the feeling. He had been there, felt like that before. Actually, ever since losing his parents, he had always been one of the guys not to party, to stay alone. The loss of his parents had scarred him too much for him to actually enjoy himself. The scars, they may not be visible, but they were there. People seemed to be afraid to talk to him just because of it.
He remembered how surprised he had been that Dean actually seemed to like talking to him. Castiel meeting Dean had been such a spur of the moment thing and to be honest, quite pathetic.
Jimmy had pushed him to at least attempt socializing. Cas had reluctantly signed himself up on a chatroom and he and Dean started talking. Six months later they met for the first time and another six months later, they realized that fuck it, long distance relationship or not, they could at least attempt to make it work.
Two years later they were still together and more than in love, Castiel just hadn’t expected there to be this many kids this soon pressuring their relationship. Not that he actually minded that he wasn’t going to parties and such, they had lost their appeal a long, long time ago.
“You okay babe?” Dean asked when he noticed how distracted he was. “Silence usually means something’s going on in that pretty little head of yours.”
“Just thinking. You know, we met three years ago. I had never expected there to be four kids under two by now. It’s kind of nice.”
“It is. Do you want to visit Jimmy later? It might help.” In the past few weeks, he hadn’t been to their grave. He had seen it once, when it had been nothing but a pile of dirt on the ground and even that was enough to feel him feel even worse about all of this.
And it wasn’t like the children were old enough to know that those were their parents. They didn’t grasp that just yet. When they were older, Cas would take them but right now, it really wasn’t that big of a deal. Especially not now that they had only passed away a month ago. No, not even a month ago.
Truth was, Castiel didn’t know if he was ready to see his whole family in one graveyard.
“Maybe later, right now, I just want to follow their example and go to sleep.” Dean just chuckled.
“You were up with Ben all night. It surprises me that he didn’t wake Nick up, he always seems to wake up the second that his brother even whines.” Dean fell silent for a little while, all concentration going to driving the car. “You didn’t sleep again, didn’t you?”
Castiel's silence seemed to be enough of an answer for Dean, who just sighed. “Crawl into bed when we get home and let the girls sleep with you. I’ll take the boys shopping now we can actually haul bottles and heavy stuff without dying. We're out of laundry detergent and almost out of diapers anyway.”
“Again?”
“Babe, we got four kids in diapers, of course we fly through them. Now, don’t worry about it too much, okay?”
They pulled up at the house a half an hour later, Castiel taking the twins from their seats and inside. Dean waited until he was safely inside before driving off.
It was nice, being able to go out like this, with the kids in the back and the radio on. Cas didn’t like it too much when he was listening to music too loudly, always afraid that they would injure their ears or something, but it wasn’t that loud.
Nick even seemed to like the music. He smiled around his pacifier, eyes still firmly shut.
Dean remembered taking Nick home from the hospital two days before they could take Ben home too and being surprised at how tiny he still seemed to be. The car seat almost drowned him. Now, they fit them better, filled them out a little bit more. They were still smaller than most children, but steadily catching up. It was a reassuring sight. Seeing them for the very first time when Jimmy had brought them pictures, so that they too could see them had shocked him.
Dean was still taken aback sometimes of how much he too missed Castiel’s brother. He didn’t miss him the way that he knew Cas did. For Castiel, losing his brother had meant losing the last member of his family. Jimmy was just a good friend to Dean. Yes, he had learned to care for the dorkier brother of his boyfriend, but it would have never been any more than that.
He hated seeing how much this broke Cas. His boyfriend seemed so frail lately, as if anything could make him snap and truth be told, Dean was starting to believe that. He was starting to believe that he was influenced by Jimmy’s death more than he let show.
Castiel was hiding from him again and it hurt. Part of him wondered, what would happen when his deployment was there, when he had to go away again. Castiel would be on his own with four kids. What if he snapped? What if?
It wasn’t the first time that he had done so. In the beginning of their relationship, it had been the same. Dean remembered the first time that they had slept together vividly, how uncomfortable Cas had been, how he had flinched each time that Dean whispered just how much he loved him.
Just getting his angel to undress, it had been brutal to see. He’d lost count of how many times that he had said to Cas that it was okay if he wasn’t ready. He’d sounded like a girl but in that moment, Dean hadn’t cared. Seeing his boyfriend so nervous and messed up just felt wrong. Each time he did, Castiel said he was ready, that it wasn’t the problem. And then Cas had shown the reason why he was so insecure about it and Dean’s heart dropped. The angry red marks that covered his skin.
“Sometimes, I hate myself,” Castiel had whispered, eyes glued to the comforter on his bed, “and… this happens.” Dean remembered his hands gently swiping over the scars and being just scared for a minute, nothing but scared. His fingers had come away clean but somehow, he had expected them to be stained red.
He remembered kissing the skin there and looking up at Castiel. He remembered saying that he didn’t want Cas to do that, that they could work him through it, through talking or whatever, Dean would try to help as well as he could. It hadn’t solved their problems, obviously. In the months after, his boyfriend still hurt himself, but Dean would take care of him when he found out, help clean out the wounds, nurse him through the aftermath.
Slowly but steadily, Cas had gotten better. He’d stopped eventually, after long months of struggling. Dean knew that just because he didn’t cut anymore, things were completely better, but they were getting there. Just the other day, they’d went out to the zoo with the girls because Cas had finally been clean a year.
By the time that Dean came back from the grocery store, Castiel had managed to sleep and was awake again. He hadn’t woke up too long ago, judging from the disheveled look to him and the way that he sleepily stared off in the distance, a cup of coffee cradled in his hands.
Dean smile before pressing a playful kiss to his cheek and putting the groceries on the table top. “Are the girls still asleep?” Castiel grunted his answer, looking up over his cup grumpily.
“They kicked me out of bed by taking up all the space. They’re still sleeping though.” Dean smiled before nodding to the car.
“I’m going to grab the last things from the trunk, do you mind watching these two rascals for me while I do that?”
Castiel sighed as he took Nick from the carrier, letting the little one kick against him. The girls were still asleep in the master bed. When he had left them, they had been curled up together but by now, they were for sure miles apart, each stealing a tiny bed of the bed for themselves. Knowing Claire, she’s be rolled up into a tiny little ball, her rabbit clutched in her grip. Zoey on the other hand would probably be stretched out completely, her rabbit near enough to grab but not really on her.
It was crazy how they managed to show their little personalities and habits that much in just three weeks of taking care of them, how it was already becoming clear just how different they were. Even the boys. Cas knew that the second Nick was picked up by a familiar face, he would smile and grasp their shirt, feet pushing off against their arm. As he was doing right now.
“A little too young to be standing big boy,” Cas sighed affectionately, resting him better against his chest. “Why don’t we wait a little bit with standing and walking? Don’t grow up too quickly.”
“You feeling a bit better?” Dean snaked his arms around his waist, head resting on his shoulder. Castiel melted into the touch.
“Yeah, a bit.” The reply was weak and he knew that, but Dean wouldn’t expect him to be fine this soon. “I just want this day to be over to be honest.” Holding Nick helped, having at least someone to take care of.
“Yeah. Hang in there, okay? We all need you here.” Dean fell silent, pressing a gentle kiss to his cheek. “Do you mind filling the sink for me? Ben is in desperate need for a bath, again. I feel like I just bathed him this morning.”
“You did,” Castiel said, slightly amused as he took in the annoyed expression on his boyfriend’s face. “He got you again, didn’t he?” And jus the tiny change in Dean’s expression was enough. “Knock on wood, but he has never peed on me this far. He really doesn’t seem to like you. Or maybe he just likes you too much.”
“Not funny Cas. Not funny, I had to walk around with those two rascals in their stroller, squeezing through the pathways, in just my plaid because the tiny thing decided to pee in the middle of me changing his diaper.” He could barely hide his laughing. “That reminds me, I ran into that old friend of your, uh, what’s her name? Red head?”
“Give me your shirt, I’ll throw it in with the wash in a little bit. I was about to do the laundry anyway. Charlie is your friend Dean.”
“No, not Charlie. Dude, I would have remembered her name.” He groaned. “Well, I ran into her and Jo too, but that’s not who I meant. Sleek red hair, angelic face or whatever you want to call it. She was featured on the same art showing as you were. A… A something.”
“Anna?” Castiel was surprised by this. Anna had moved back to wherever she was from after only one year of being in Lawrence. It was weird for her to be walking around here if she didn’t. “What was she doing here?”
“I don’t know. She asked about you, how you were doing. I told her you were okay, considering. Don’t give me that look man, she knew. Anyway, she’s coming over next week or something. Ruby and her at least.”
“Who is Ruby?”
“Her fiancée. I got the whole explanation. Never have I been so happy that Nick started wailing. Never.”
“Ah, okay. It’s good to hear that she’s at least doing good. Do you know when they’re coming? We can make something nice for them. Maybe we can ask Sam to babysit. Imagine the horror if we ask him to babysit all four. How long before he’d freak out?”
“I give him five minutes. Tops.” Dean barely managed to hide his laugh. “He wouldn’t even allow us to leave the house before he’d freak out.”
“True. Jessica seems really good for him. I like her.” Castiel sighed. “Want me to help you bathe Ben or have you got it?”
“I’m good. The little traitor is out like a light anyway. I’ll bathe him when he wakes up again.”
Days passed by in an easy rhythm. They would wake up because of screaming children, ran errands, played with the girls and their dolls, let the toddlers dress up and pretended that they knew what the hell they were going on about. All in all, life was good for them. They manage to avoid big break downs, got the kids in bed at the right time and even got a tiny bit of time for himself.
Most of his free time, Castiel tried to get things settled, get things sorted out with the school that he’d start working. He got offered the job after finishing his internship. He’d helped one of the older teachers out and when he retired, they had offered him the position. The teenagers had liked him as a teacher for a reason that Cas couldn't grasp. He hadn't taught the classes that different from the way that Chuck had done. He appreciated just how much they seemed to like him, but he just didn't really grasp it.
He'd start sooner rather than later. Finding babysitters for the kids proved to be rather difficult. At the moment, Dean was still at home pretty much all day but in a few months, he'd be off to wherever they send him and he wouldn't be able to look after the kids while he was working. They could ask John, but it was too cruel to ask him to look after all four from eight to four. That was just too much. Castiel would feel too guilty about that.
"You're thinking too hard," Dean muttered, lingering in the doorway. It was already dark out, the kids asleep upstairs. "My deployment isn't until August. We got a little bit of time to figure all of this out."
"It's May Dean, May." He barely managed to suppress his groan. "It's already May. School starts in August. That's three months, we only got three months to find four kids a baby sitter. Do you have any idea just how impossible that is? Finding a sitter for just one is hard enough."
"We'll figure something out." Dean pushed the computer closed after saving the page that he was on. "Come to bed babe. Anna and Ruby are coming over tomorrow. Let's try to give your friends the impression that I take care of you." He pried the pen from his hands, pressing gentle kisses to his shoulder.
"Right. Good idea." It was that moment that the sharp cry sounded through the baby monitor. "Or not."
"You crawl into bed - I'll check up on them."
"Sure?"
"You're the one who's been getting up with them all week," Dean muttered, pulling Cas up from his chair. "I'm sure. Go to sleep Cas."
"Good night babe," he sighed, pressing a soft kiss to Dean's lips before following him upstairs reluctantly.
Dean sighed as he picked Ben up from his crib, tears spilling over his cheeks. If they stayed in the room much longer, all kids would be awake in no time and if he could, Dean wanted to avoid that. Usually, if he went downstairs and sat down in the rocking chair, Ben would calm down soon enough.
"Hey baby," he whispered, resting him against his chest as he walked down the stairs, careful not to startle him and make this worse than it already was. "What's wrong huh? Just a rough night?" He stroked the baby's back, gentle soothing motions that he knew worked on Cas. "How about I tell you a little story? Maybe that will calm you down." He kept circling Ben's back as he thought of a story to tell.
"Once upon a time," he whispered, "in a city not too far from here, two people met under the strangest of circumstances. There was one beautiful golden haired woman in town. Every man was drawn to her and her big green eyes." He barely managed to stop the smile spreading his lips. "She didn't pay attention to any of the boys or the girls for that matter. There were quite a few girls crushing on her if you can believe the stories that are told. She dated one, a pretty dark haired girl for a while and, or so the story goes, they were the prettiest couple around. They kept things on the down low in public, but Deanna and Samuel knew, of course. Their daughter was too happy not to have something going on. You know, being in love makes people happy. Like your daddy and mommy. Or your unca Cas and I." Dean pressed a kiss to the top of Ben's head, who was now fast asleep. "I'll finish your story later big man, let's put you to bed."