[Chapter] Even When the Night Changes (1/2)
Title: Even When the Night Changes
Author: youaregonecas
Written for: otpfic_a_month
Wordcount: 8.882 out of 9.451 words
Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: Explicit
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel, Castiel/Dean
Tags: the vow!au, amnesia, car crash, genderfluid!sam,
Summary: A car accident puts Sam in a medically induced coma. When his brain has recovered enough for the doctors to let him come round again, the couple is met with a surprise. Sam doesn't remember Gabriel.
Epilogue || AO3
Gabriel sighed, patting his stomach. He’d officially had enough food to make up for all the quick hospital snacks and nights without food that he had put his body through in the past couple of months. All the nourishment that he had lacked, he’d now gotten and well, all at once may not have been a great idea. Oh well. It was a shame, because the food was amazing. He already felt like he was going to explode though. From the relaxed look on his husband's face, he was too.
Sam and he had decided to split dessert, both already full and enjoying the night too much. Ever since their marriage, they had gotten stuck in the daily rush; Gabriel came back from the hospital at seven am when Sam was still asleep. Generally speaking, by the time that he dozed off on the couch while watching his morning shows, Sam got up and tucked him in. It was almost like a rule, a habit. Going out like this didn't happen too often anymore. Ever since Gabriel had turned twenty-seven and gotten an offer to work at the hospital full time, they'd stopped seeing each other as often as they had before. They still lived in the same house, they were still married and in love, they just didn't get to spend some time together too often anymore, Sam off to work by the time that he came home.
Nights like these made him feel young and crazily in love again; the way they had been seven years ago, when they’d first met each other. Sam had brought his brother and his girlfriend - Lisa - in when she was about to deliver their baby twelve weeks premature. He hadn't been allowed in the room why his brother and judging from the look in his eyes, he hadn't wanted to go in.
Gabriel didn’t remember how he’d learned to know Sam after; if it had been in seeing Samantha come in for the first time and saying that she wasn’t on the list to visit baby Ben or the awkward week that followed, trying to find a way to make up for it.
“We should get home,” Sam said, a relaxed smile on his lips. Gabriel loved seeing him this loose and comfortable. It didn’t happen nearly as often enough.
“Yeah.” Gabriel sighed. “Why don't we do this more often. It was... nice."
"We both know why," Sam muttered, "the babies need you too much."
"Yeah, I guess they do."
They drove in a relaxed silence, the music playing in the background. Sam was behind the wheel, silently singing along to the songs when he knew the lyrics. He knew that it was out of character for him to do, but he was happy, felt happy and comfortable for the first time in such a long time that he couldn’t hide it. Dean, his brother, had once upon a time complained about him singing along to the music when he was in the car, so slowly, he learned not to do it.
Gabriel was dozing off in the passenger seat, on that edge between deep sleep and waking up; within minutes he'd be vast asleep. Sam knew him too well - he did it every time that they had to drive more than fifteen minutes. He understood why his husband was already falling asleep even though it was barely eleven o'clock: he had worked the night shift past week and even when he got home, he had troubles falling asleep.
Gabriel worked in the NICU - mostly taking care of the children that needed the most care. Every few seconds, there was a machine beeping, cries to check up on. Working in his field, you needed to be focused every minute of the day, couldn't afford to lose your concentration. It was why his boyfriend was so strung out when he returned at seven am but still didn't want to go to sleep. His brain was still in that mind set, he still felt like he should pay attention to every little noise. Sam knew that when he eventually slept, he was out like a brick.
"I'll tuck you in the second that we get home," Sam said with a grin, his attention shifting from the road to his husband for only a few seconds. "Get you to sleep in an actual for a change. You'll thank me in the morning when you don't feel like your back wants to snap you in half." He knew that Gabriel didn't hear him, but that was arbitrary. It was the thought that counted. "You'll thank me. Maybe, if you sleep in, I'll make you breakfast tomorrow morning."
It was when Sam stretched out to wipe a stray strand of hair from Gabriel's eyes that it happened. Sam didn't see it happen, not at first. His eyes were on the road in front of him, not in the sideways mirror. He didn't see the sports car slip on the ice, didn't see it until he felt the crash and there was nothing he could do but let the car go.
The last thought he had before the darkness engulfed him was that, if they had to go this way, at least Gabriel hadn't been awake, at least Gabriel hadn't felt the crash. He hadn't known what was going on.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Gabriel woke up with a headache bad enough to make him question just how much he had drunk the night before and eyelids that seemed to be stuck together with glue. He thought he remembered only drinking two or three glasses of wine, but then again, his mind tended to be rather selective about what it chose to remember and what it didn't. Sam had driven, he knew that much.
He remembered details about the children he worked with, but not work related stuff? Lately things just slipped his mind more than was good for him. Gabriel still remembered the important things, like Sam's birthday or when Dean would be dropping Ben off. Smaller things, like what they had eaten the day before or when he'd last eaten, they just slipped his mind. Maybe he was just getting old, maybe it was something else, he didn’t know.
"Fuck," he groaned, hand coming up to rub the sleep out of his eyes. Or at least, attempting to rub the sleep out of his eyes. The minute that he tried to move his arm, he felt a jab of pain through both his shoulder and arm, leaving his arm sparking with pain. He didn't know what he had done to make him get injured or to hurt himself, but it must have been spectacular if he managed to forget both what happened and how the hell he'd gotten to bed in the first place.
Gabriel blinked his eyes open; surprised when he wasn't met with the cream coloured walls of their bedroom but off white ones. It was then that the beeping registered, the IV in his arm and the itching of the sling that his arm was draped in. Something tickled in his nose and scratched behind his ears. Only when he looked down did he see the oxygen cannula, the uncomfortable sheets that rubbed his legs and probably worst of all: the hospital gown. He had to suppress another groan.
What the hell had happened to him? Was Sam okay? Where was he? He was just in the waiting room, right? Waiting for him to wake up? He should have thought about Sam earlier. It was stupid of him not to.
"Gabriel?" Hael sounded more relieved than she should have. She shouldn't even be here. "How are you feeling?"
"Like somebody hit me in the head with a bat," he grumbled, using his other arm to rub the sleep out of is eyes. "Where is Sam? What happened?"
"You were in an accident," Hael said, sitting down on the bed beside him. "Two days ago. I don't know the specifics. From what I know, a car hit yours. You banged your head pretty badly. Concussion, quite a few cuts in your shoulder from shattered glass, banged up your ribs pretty bad, hip too, but otherwise, you're lucky. The crash could have killed you."
Memories flooded him; walking out of the restaurant just slightly drowsy from the food and sitting down in the car, drifting off. Sam telling him that he’d tuck him in and then, darkness.
"Sam?"
"The doctor will update you on how he's doing in a minute, I don't know how he's doing. I'm sorry." The apologetic look in her eyes scared Gabriel. What was going on with Sam? Was it that bad? "I have to change your dressing and look at the wounds, draw some blood."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Changing the dressing was more painful than he had imagined it ever could be. The wound however seemed to look like it was healing up pretty well and drawing blood didn't take too long either. The doze of pain relief medicine worked like a charm, thank god.
No matter what it did do, it didn’t take away his worrying. He was afraid, honestly afraid of what was going on with Sam. If Hael couldn’t tell him what was wrong with his significant other.
He dozed off within minutes, the pain subdued enough. His sleep was filled with nightmares; seeing Sam lying limp in his arms, hearing Sam say that he loved him one final time. Sleeping didn’t feel like he was actually sleeping; it was more like he was unconscious but didn’t get any rest.
He woke again a half an hour later, when the fog in his brain cleared up. Dean was sitting at the foot of his bed, hands in his lap. He looked so uncomfortable sitting there that Gabriel wondered if Castiel had dragged him with.
"Good to see you awake man," he muttered. "Nurse said that I just missed your waking up - I'm sorry. How are you doing? Not in too much pain?"
"I’m surprised you’re here.” Gabriel’s barely able to keep his voice from sounding icy. He’d spend months and years almost hating Sam’s brother. Now things were getting better between them, it was hard not to. “How is Sam? Have you seen him yet?" The words were out of his mouth before he could stop them. "I'm good, okay."
"Yeah, I've been with him. He's - he hasn't woken up yet. I don't know the details. Doc told me but you know, I don't know what the hell it all means. From what I can make up though, he has swelling in his brain. They're waiting for it to lessen." There’s a hard set to Dean’s features, as if he’s biting back annoyance. He’s had the whole squared jaw thing going on that seemed to be a Winchester family trait; piss one off and you get them grinding their teeth not to snap at you.
"He hasn't been awake yet?"
"They're keeping him in a comatose state - drugged up so his mind can heal. Like I said, I don't know the details. He's been improving though. Or so the doctor said.”
"Fuck."
"Yeah, you can say that." Dean huffed. "You scared the shit out of Cas and I, you know that. Here we are watching a movie, suddenly the phone rings and they tell us that Sam and you were in a crash.” He fell silent for a while, as if he was ashamed about admitting it. “We got here as fast as we could after dropping Ben off at Charlie's.”
"Not our intention to get hit by a car you know," Gabriel grumbled as he tried to move his arm and failed miserably. "I can't wait to get out of here."
"In that case, you might be lucky," an all too familiar voice said. "Hello Gabriel." Balthazar smiled at him, but the worry was clear in his expression. "How are you?"
"I've been better."
"I'd be surprised if you'd said anything else, you did get injured quite badly. However, no matter how crappy you are feeling right now, you may be going home sooner rather than later. Don't pack your bags yet, but I think if you feel better tomorrow and that shoulder keeps healing the way that it is, you'll be out of here before noon. How does that sound?"
"Amazing. How's Sam?"
"Should have known." Balthazar turned to Dean. "I take it you already told him some stuff?" Dean just nodded and shrugged. "Anyway. Sam hit his head pretty badly. The CT scan showed intracranial haemorrhaging. We're keeping him in a comatose state to allow his brain to recover from the trauma. Otherwise speaking, he has some bruising and will be sore. We'll see how he's doing when he wakes up." There was no if, it was a when and that was enough for Gabriel to at least feel slightly at ease.
"Thanks doc."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Gabriel was discharged the next day, a little after noon. His hip hurt with each step he took and there still was this annoying ache in his shoulder each time he moved his arm too much in the sling, but otherwise, he felt a lot better. The headache had completely subsided.
That too was the first time that he saw Sam. The sight of him was terrifying. Gabriel didn't know how his Sasquatch managed to look so tiny in the hospital bed, but he did. He had an ugly bruise by his temple and an oxygen cannula in his nose. At least his stats were stable; heart beating with a steady thump thump thump.
"Hiya Sammy," he muttered, sitting down on a chair next to him. "Wake up for me, okay? Soon. Don't keep us all hanging." The Sammy was their thing. His significant other didn’t like it when his brother used the nickname, said that it was a chubby twelve year old boy that didn’t fit in.
But for him, Sammy was Samantha and Sam. It was a nickname that could be applied for both, during mornings or days when Gabriel wasn’t sure what his significant other preferred. It was for hazy mornings of lying in bed and playing with the lace of Samantha’s panties or the edge of Sam’s boxers. There was rarely a sexual connotation to the whole thing, neither of them on the sexual spectrum. Sometimes, when both of them were up for it, they would have lazy make out sessions but as time progressed, they learned just how rarely they needed that touch.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
He kept visiting every day that he could. Seeing Sam improve felt amazing. Gabriel couldn't be with him all the time, doctors needed to investigate and well, he didn't feel comfortable being there when they did.
During those moments, he went down to the cafeteria, to get some food or he went to the NICU floor. Officially speaking, he shouldn't be there, but he couldn't help popping in to see how his tiny patients were doing. He’s pass by the incubators and smiled at the way that the kids seemed to be improving each day.
The day before the accident, a twenty-seven weeker set of triplets had been born in their hospital. They were doing quite well, considering the circumstances, but he still worried for them. Seeing the progress that they had made in just five days almost seemed like a little miracle. All of them were still on oxygen and were fed through a NG tube, but they seemed to be processing their food pretty well. They still needed a lot of work and from what Gabriel could guess, they would be under his care for at least another two weeks before they could leave the incubator and sleep in an open crib.
When they could do that, they would move to other floor. Only the preemies or new-borns that needed constant looking stayed on his floor. When they were stable enough, they would move to floor B as they called it, where they would still be monitored but not checked up every few minutes.
If anything, Gabriel hoped that he could return to work pretty soon. With his shoulder, he wouldn't be able to lift his arm too much, but it was getting better. The cuts had healed to an agreeable level. He was pretty positive he would be able to return to work fully within a few days if his shoulder continued to improve the way that it was.
"Gabriel?" he turned around to face the woman speaking. He couldn't help but stop the smile from stretching over his lips as he recognized the woman. Kali was one of his exes and while he wasn't in contact with most of them, they still talked every once in a while. When her twins were born at twenty-nine weeks, they were placed under his care.
"Hello, Kali!" he said with a smile, "what are you doing here? I thought the kids were doing better."
"They are," she said with a smile, pointing at her husband walking behind her, the two carriers in tow. "We're going home today. I thought I'd see if you were around, come say goodbye."
"I am glad they are. Those were long weeks, weren't they?"
"Absolutely," Kali said, taking one of the carriers from her husband's hands. "Nick here still has trouble eating, but they decided on a G-tube for him, until he manages to eat more. We just wanted to come say goodbye, we should probably get going."
"Well, good luck at home. If anything happens, especially with his tube, let us know, okay?"
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
By the time that he got back to Sam's room, his eyes were twitching. Gabriel cautiously stayed back, watching his husband as he started moving and groaned, eventually opened his eyes only to press them shut again. Gabriel pressed the call button, knowing that a nurse should be checking up on him if he was awake. He guessed that after looking at the backs of your eyelids for days, even the slightest of lights were too bright.
"Sam?" he asked cautiously as he opened his eyes again. "Sammy? How are you feeling?" As he asked the question, Meg entered the room, half annoyed to be called on until she saw that Sam's eyes were open and scanning the room.
"Like somebody hit me in the head with a sledgehammer." There was a short silence before he spoke again. "What happened?"
"That is normal. You were in a car crash," Meg said before stepping closer, quickly checking his eyes. "Can you tell me what your name is?"
"Sam, Sam Winchester." Sam sounded so confused at these questions.
"Can you tell me when you were born, how old you are and which year it is?"
"May second, 1983. I am twenty-seven. It's 2010. Why do you need to know?" He furrowed his brow, glancing around the room.
"Good," she said with a smile. "How is your head feeling? Do you want something for the pain?"
"I'd like that," he muttered, covering his eyes as he took in the situation. Meg nodded before turning to go fetch him some medication. "Doctor, was anyone else hurt? I, I didn't hit anyone, right?" His eyes flicked up, looking at Gabriel with question in his eyes. “Oh god.”
"Are...are you asking me?" He didn't know what to say to this. Part of him hoped, prayed that he wasn't, that he was just kidding. That is was just one of his cruel jokes. Gabriel didn't exactly put it past him to joke around. It was something that he knew he would do.
"Yeah?" Sam sounded confused. "You're my doctor, right? Why are you in my room if you're not?” He looked at him in confusion. “Wait. Aren’t you the NICU doc that is taking care of Ben?”
"I. No, I'm not Sam," he said, not able to hide the worry. "Well, I was the one who looked after Ben, but. I. I'm your husband." The completely lost look in Sam's eyes cut through his heart like a knife.
"What?” He fell silent, gaze frozen on his face. “I don't remember any of that, I'm sorry."
"It's, okay. I should, I should make a phone call, call Dean. He's worried about you. You remember him right?" He hurried out the room before Sam even had the chance to reply, ignoring the way that Sam was looking at him and that Meg tried to stop him. His own husband didn't recognize him. It was just temporary, it had to be, there was no way that he had completely forgotten about him.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Dean arrived a half an hour after Gabriel's call. Balthazar had come to find him to explain to him how it was normal that Sam didn't seem to recognize him. Sometimes, when the swelling put pressure on certain brain matter, things like memory temporarily faded. It could be that next week, his memory would be back. They didn't know how long it would take Sam to recover. It could be a few hours, it could be a day, maybe months.
It almost hurt when Dean walked in the room and Sam almost grinned at him. He gave his brother the same answer that he had given him; that he was doing better now that the meds seemed to be kicking in. Castiel padded behind him, tagging Ben along. He looked worried as he let the seven year old run to Dean and his uncle.
"I thought you'd be happier to see him awake," Castiel said, lingering in the doorway with him. "You don't seem to be too happy about this."
"I was there when he woke up," Gabriel sighed, "he asked me if anyone else got injured. Thinks that I am his doctor. Then asked if I wasn’t the doc that is taking care of Ben there.”
"I'm sorry." And he did genuinely look sorry for him.
"It's okay, we just need to wait until he gets his memory back. The doctor doesn't know how long it will take, maybe a few hours, could be weeks. They're still waiting to see how the swelling behaves." He barely managed to supress his sigh. "It could be a while, but Sam will be coming home sooner. It should be two or three days until he gets to go home. Maybe being back home will spark some things."
"I hope so." Castiel rested his hand comfortingly on his shoulder before going in. "I really hope so Gabriel."
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
Sam came back home after three more days in the hospital. He didn't feel completely comfortable around Gabriel, not yet, but his brother had seemingly calmed him down enough to go home with him. Gabriel too had told him, if he didn't feel comfortable around him that it was okay, he didn't have to stay somewhere that he didn't feel okay.
The car ride home was just a little bit awkward, Sam half asleep in the passenger seat. It felt too much like before, as if all of this hadn't happened. His favourite song was even playing on the radio, the one that Gabriel remembered had been playing when the crash had happened.
"Sam?" he whispered when they'd arrived at their house, "we're home. It's time to wake up." He gently shook his shoulder, instantly ducking as Sam swatted his hands away. At least, even though his memory loss, his manners were still the same, he still behaved the patented Sam was.
"I'm sorry," he muttered. "Is this, home?"
"Yes, this is home." Gabriel led him inside, his bags on his shoulder and unable to keep the affectionate smile off his lips. Sam had protested of course, told him that he could damn well do that himself, but truth be told, he really didn't want him to do any lifting right now. Not that he should be doing too much lifting either, but I was okay. As long as he didn’t rip the one of two stitches that were still in, he should be fine. "It's okay if you don't remember it right now, I'll give you a tour in a little bit, if you'd want it."
"That would be, nice. Thank you." Gabriel turned, to leave him alone.
"I'm going to do the groceries, we barely have anything. If you want, you can come along, but if you want to be alone at the moment, I understand, nobody is judging."
"Yeah, I think I need some time," he muttered, looking around the living room. "Get used to the feeling of the house, see if this brings back something."
"It's okay." He sighed, before packing his stuff. "I'll be back before you know it. Is there anything you want me to bring?"
"I'm good." Sam looked down, lost in thought. When Gabriel was about to walk out of the door, he spoke. "Gabe? I'm, I'm sorry. We are married and I don't remember any of it. I'm, I'm sorry."
"No, Sam, don't worry about it." He sighed. "Look. You'll get your memory back one day and if you don't well, if you don't love me anymore, that's okay. Just, I'm going to go now."
Sam felt lost as Gabriel walked away and eventually drove off. This was their house and he didn't remember any of it, didn't remember any of the pictures being taken, didn't remember buying the furniture, painting the place. He didn't even know who had picked the curtains or the rugs.
It was weird, walking around in a house that was both his own and completely foreign. He knew that he was supposed to know where everything was, but he couldn't even figure out how the coffee machine properly worked or where the coffee and the mugs were.
Worst of it was how guilty he felt. Gabriel looked so much like a lost puppy. The look in his apparent husband's eyes when he had thought that he was the doctor, it haunted him. He had looked so sad and well, worried. He couldn't even handle his brother's worry and this man's worry went so much deeper, felt so much more real.
He was dialling his brother's number before he even realized that he did. Sam didn't know why he called Dean instead of his brother's something. He didn't know what Dean and Castiel had going on - had forgotten even that - but his brother had seemed tense when he visited him in the hospital. He'd figured that they'd gotten of on the wrong footing - it wasn't something that was that unusual for them in their teens - because of something that he did.
So, logically, he should have called Cas. It just didn't feel right. After all, it was he was his brother's something and perhaps Dean would be annoyed that. He just needed to talk to his brother for a minute.
"Sam? Is something wrong?"
"No, it's. I wanted to ask you something." He sighed. "It's, uh, I'm being a baby about this I know. I just."
"This is about Gabriel, isn't it?" Dean fell silent.
"Yeah. We're at the house right now and I, this isn't sparking anything, not the slightest." He was surprised at how bitter he sounded. "Look, I just wanted to ask you. Can you, tell me, how we were before? Gabriel and I, were we happy?"
"I'm really not the person to talk to about you and being happy Sam." Dean sighed. "Look, you may have forgotten about the past seven years, but I haven't. We weren't exactly the best of friends. Cas and you got along way better than the two of us. Call him. He'll be able to answer."
"Oh, okay." The silence that followed on the other end of the line had him check if they were still connected. "Look, Dean. I'm sorry if I said something or. I don't know what I did, but whatever it was, I am sorry about it." He felt like all he was doing was apologizing lately. "Can we, later, talk about what happened?"
"Yeah, sure Sam. I got to go now, I’m at work. Call Cas. He'll be able to answer - he's been in contact with Gabriel longer than I have."
By the time that Gabriel came home, Sam had wrapped up his call with Castiel. He didn't speak as he put away the groceries. Sam followed him with his eyes and part of him wanted to ask Sam why he was looking around like this, before he realized that the house must be completely foreign to him. That Sam didn’t even know where simple things as groceries were supposed to go.
"Do you want some coffee?" The smile that stretched across his boyfriend's lips almost felt like coming home, finally like something familiar. "Good. I'll make you some. Milk and sugar, right?"
"Yes sir," Sam said, the smile still on his lips. "I wanted to make myself a cup earlier, but I couldn't find the mugs." The blush that spread on his cheeks was almost adorable.
"Oh, right. If you want, I can put post it notes on stuff if you want, so you know where everything is? And perhaps the bathroom. I'm sorry man, but you need a shave. Like, really need a shave." Gabriel didn't really mind Sam when he had a bit of a stubble, but this wasn't a stubble, not anymore. It had been a stubble the week that they decided to enjoy a night out. Now? Now it was more like a short beard. "You still now how to shave right? Because if I have to shave you, you're gonna bleed." He smiled at the memory. “We tried before man, it doesn’t work out.”
"Yes, Gabe. I still know how to shave." His husband rolled his eyes. "I haven't forgotten everything you know."
"Only the last seven years of your life."
"Touché." Sam sighed. "I talked to Cas earlier. Well, Dean too, but..."
"He was an ass." He sighed. "Yeah, Dean tends to be an ass when he can. You two weren't really on good footing before the accident."
"Yeah, he told me as much. Castiel didn't want to tell me what I had done. Nor will Dean."
"Well, I certainly am not going to tell you yet. Maybe later. That is a little but much to take in my man. First. Coffee." He pushed the cup in his hands. "Did you figure out some stuff while talking with Castiel?"
"Yeah, some basics. He says that we were happy."
"We were," Gabriel sighed. He couldn't help but smile. "We were very happy. For as often as we saw each other on a day to day basis. Your work hours conflicted with mine the past couple of weeks, ever since I started working the night shift."
"You work in the hospital?"
"I do. I work in the NICU. Believe it or not, they can crash during the night too. The children are a charm to work with sometimes, when they don't have emergencies going on." He chuckled. "Which is very weird, considering that I work with the children that require the most care that our hospital offers." Sam was smiling at him.
"Castiel told me that you help save their kid, Ben."
"Yeah. I was on the team that looked after Ben." He barely managed to hide the smile as he thought back to the night. He still remembered it vividly. "It was my first night shift and they immediately bring me in on a twelve week premature baby. It was then that I met you. Cas and Dean were just friends back then, but he was there for Dean when Ben was born and didn't come home for a solid eight to ten weeks - I don't remember just how long he was in the hospital, it's been too long."
"Are Dean and Cas married?" He blurted. "Like, I have seen them together so often but I'm not sure. I don't, remember."
"Your brother, married? Oh hell no. I don't think that those two chuckleheads will ever get married unless Castiel proposes. Or Dean turns into a huge sap of course. Which, considering, could be sooner rather than later. They're adopting a baby girl in a little while. The teen is still pregnant right now, but due to deliver in a week or three. I don't think that Cas knows what the hell he is getting himself into."
"Oh," Sam muttered, surprised. "I. All of this is making my head hurt."
"Well, why don't you go clean up? Maybe that'll help." Gabriel steered him to the bathroom, telling him where everything was before leaving him be.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
It went quite like that for the next few days. Gabriel went back to work after a week and life, it went on. As weird as it may be, they accepted the fact that perhaps this would be how their lives were going to be from now on. It was rougher than he had thought it would be, but so far they had managed to limit the awkward moments.
Sam spend quite a lot of his time going back into life as he used to lead it, making both new traditions and actually going back to a few rituals that he used to have when they first got together and things between the two of them were still that little bit more awkward than they had been before.
Gabriel caught himself still wanting to use babe when it came to Sam and actually did a few times. Even though Sam really didn't seem to mind it that much, he still felt guilty for the little spark of hope that it could perhaps trigger something in Sam, that it could help him remember something that he had completely forgotten.
One night, two weeks after Sam came back from the hospital, things turned up just a little bit. He was getting ready to leave for work using his usual ritual: he grabbed a new uniform to replace the one that hung in his locker, shaved the little stubble that he had allowed to grow and was about to make himself a sandwich or something.
Gabriel usually brought his own food to the hospital, just to save some money. If he had to eat in the cafeteria each time, he would spend a lot of money each month and well, the food wasn't even that good. Not at all if he was honest. It was okay for days that he didn't remember to bring something, but he avoided it if he could.
He was about to do that, but froze in the door to the kitchen. Sam was behind the stove, finishing up something that Gabriel didn't immediately recognize. He didn't know how long he stood there, frozen in place, but Sammy eventually caught on and turned around. She was wearing an apron over her tank top and plaid shirt, red tomato stains all over.
"Hey," she said with a smile, awkwardly fiddling with the strings of the apron. "I, uh, I remembered that you love spaghetti but only eat it the Winchester way. Mom taught me how to make it a long time ago and I just, thought I'd make it for you, to take to work. As a, sorry I forgot you bribe." She smiled sheepishly. “Is it working?3
"You remembered that?" Gabriel couldn't help but smile as Samantha put the pasta in a container and handed it to him. "That's, that’s working alright. I’m glad you remembered that Samantha.”
"Me too, me too. Now, go before you're late. Don't keep all those baby's and parents waiting." There was a relaxed and playful smile on Samantha’s lips and god, if Gabriel wouldn't give anything to keep it on there forever, to never have to see her sad again.
It continued like that for a good month; Sammy remembered more and more small details about both their relationship and how they were together. One morning, Gabriel came back to a cup of coffee, eggs and bacon on the coffee table, alongside a thick blanket. He smiled when he found the note under the plate. It was such a Sam thing to do.
I'm out with Dean, we're going to talk about what happened. We'll be out when you get back so I thought that I'd leave this out. Enjoy! x Sam
There were moments like that and then again, also moments that it all just became too much. Not for Sam, but for Gabriel. The girl that Dean and Cas were adopting was eventually born right at her due date and well, she was almost perfect. Big brown eyes and dark hair, little chubby fingers that would grasp your finger and didn't let go.
Just to keep the wishes of the girl that gave birth to Claire in mind, they didn't visit until she was home with them and the boys had gotten used to having a new-born again. Gabe had seen Sam with a baby for the first time that day; he loved seeing his husband be so gentle with her, smiled when he saw that he supported her head without being instructed to do so by Dean.
They had their first fight when they came back from Dean's. Gabriel didn't remember what it was about, but he remembered a lot of yelling and slamming doors. He left that night - he had the night off at the hospital - slamming the front door shut and getting in his car.
He didn't stop driving for hours, not until morning, when he went back home. Sam lay asleep on the couch, watching the door. Gabriel couldn't remember ever feeling that guilty. He just draped a blanket over him and pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead.
“Goodnight Sam.”
After two more weeks of this, Gabriel decided that they were perhaps ready to go a little bit further. He couldn't take credit for the idea, considering that it had been Balthazar who told him that it could perhaps help them if they went out on a date again. Sam had been showing signs of being ready for something like that, he was reaching out again sometimes too, as if he wanted to touch Gabriel but was afraid that it wasn't what Gabriel wanted.
It was a good idea. To his surprise, Sam was on board with the whole thing from the get go. So, on Sunday, they left for the beach. Gabriel could still be paged if they needed him, so they didn't go too far out. Not that he actually thought that they would page him. The babies that were currently under his care were doing quite okay to stable. A few of them were still in quite a critical condition and one child that had been born just before his shift ended wasn't doing too well, but it wasn't something that his colleague couldn't handle.
After all, they knew that this was his first date with his husband after almost three months. It had been three months and they were still getting to know each other again, they were still learning to love each other again. Gabriel was okay with being patient, after all, he couldn't push Sam into doing anything. Sam set the pace that they would reunite.
"Why didn't we ever think about kids?" Sam asked when they were halfway there. He had been staring out the window for the biggest part of their drive over. "Like, we've been together seven years, married for three. I, why didn't we ever think about adopting or I don't know?"
"We were talking about it. We couldn't agree on it." Gabriel lowered the volume of the radio. "You wanted to adopt more than anything but I, I was and still am, especially now, hesitant about it. We're both off to work too often to really take care of a kid on our own." He smiled. "Everybody had been nagging about it lately - we actually submitted papers and then this happened, I didn't think about it really until now. We're still in the system. We should withdraw that."
"I don't, I don't think we should," Sam said, looking him right in the eyes. "You are right about that, I love kids. I can barely remember stuff from our time together, but I, and that is why I asked, I vaguely remember us talking about kids. Mostly, I remember us fighting about it." He fell silent. "Ever since that fight after seeing Claire, things have been coming back, Gabe. I didn't want to tell you because, quite honestly, I don't know how long this is going to last and quite frankly, a fight sparked all this."
"You have?" Gabriel asked, not able to hide his surprise. "That's, good, I'm glad that you're remembering stuff Sam. I really am. ijust, I didn't think that you were really making progress. You haven't been picking up new things from our relationship, so I thought that perhaps."
"I haven't been talking about it." Sam shrugged. "Keep your eyes on the road Gabe, I don't want us to crash, again."
"Our insurance company wouldn't like that, would they?" Gabriel laughed, but turned his eyes back to the road. "You know Sam, if you ever want to talk about anything, I don't care what, I am here okay? I don’t care if we fought about it or if it is something that I said that I didn't want to talk about before. Hiding stuff from you really isn't going to help us get back to where we used to be."
"Okay."
They arrived at the beach around noon. After they parked the car, they grabbed food in a local restaurant. Sam loved just how relaxed it all seemed to be. They talked about all kinds of stuff; about the triplets that had been released from their NICU all healthy and how it had practically been a miracle with how sick they had been at first, about Dean, Cas, Claire and Ben, their plans.
It was the most relaxing day out that they had had in a long time. Even before the accident, they hadn't been able to fully relax. They always ended up bickering over something, or Gabriel was called in for work, or something like that. On their last date, the day of the accident, one of the preemies had stopped breathing for a while and of course, they called Gabriel to inform him.
Gabriel had been on edge the entire time, waiting for calls to update on the condition of the baby boy. In the end, the boy had pulled through and his breathing had gone back to almost normal about an hour before they left the restaurant, but it had put a serious damper on the conversation.
They stayed at the beach until the sun was down and they barely managed to walk without half falling in the sand. In that moment, Gabriel was more than happy that they had decided to book a hotel room. It would probably get a little bit awkward, them being in such close quarters for the first time since he lost his memory. Gabriel had slept in the spare room or on the couch the past few weeks, used the bathroom when he was sure that Sam wouldn't walk in and always knocked before entering any room so that he didn't startle his husband.
Having Sam around so often and not being able to do anything about it, it felt just weird and to be honest, he was rather frustrated with it. Not with the way that their relationship was going, he was more than glad that they at least were going somewhere. Thing was, he hadn't gotten past some right hand action in the past couple of months and it was getting to him.
Gabriel was okay with not having sex too often. He had quite a low sex drive as it was and working the night shifts didn't really allow for lots of make out sessions. He was starting to miss it though, was starting to miss seeing his husband come undone, missed Sam's gasps and groans, missed the endorphins that ran through his system.
He had fantasies and memories enough to keep him entertained, it wasn't that. He just missed it.
They checked in a little before ten pm, when both of them were getting too sleepy to stay at the beach any longer. It was too damn cold out anyway. During the day, it was nice out but the nights were still surprising and surprisingly cold. Especially at the beach.
Sam plopped down on the bed within seconds, sighing happily as he mattress formed after his body. Gabriel called dibs on the shower, not liking the sand that quite literally seemed to have collected itself everywhere. He was fine with sand, he liked going to the beach, but he didn't like finding sand in his socks two weeks after the trip. It happened, happened each and every day.
When went back into the room in his boxers, the way that he slept, he had been completely convinced that Sam would be asleep. He had almost been asleep when he had headed into the bathroom and quite frankly, Gabriel had been planning on crawling right on the couch and sleeping. He rarely had the chance to actually sleep when he was supposed to and he was going to grab it.
Sam was staring at him and for a moment there, he didn't know why he was staring. That was until he realized that he wasn't wearing anything but boxers and they really weren't at a point in their relationship again to be seeing each other half naked. Not yet.
"Sam," he muttered, "I'm sorry, I thought that you'd be asleep. I'll go, put on more. I just."
"It's okay, I'll just go put my PJ's on." And Sam disappeared into the bathroom. Way to screw up, Milton, way to screw up. They had finally started to feel a little bit more comfortable around each other again, especially Sam and now he screwed up, again. Jesus.
By the time that Sam came back in the room, Gabriel was settled on the couch, ready to go to sleep. He'd settled with the throw blanket that they had brought to sit on, even though it felt like being covered in sand yet again. They should have thought it through better and brought a blanket for him to sleep under.
"Are you going to sleep on the couch?" Sam asked, brows furrowed. "That'll kill your back."
"Better than the ground." He couldn't help but sound bitter. It wasn't Sam's fault, far from if he was honest, it was just him being annoyed from being kicked out of his comfortable memory foam bed for months now.
"If you want, you can sleep in the bed. I can sleep on the couch."
"Sam, you're too long limbed, you don't fit - and what about your back man."
"We can, share the bed. I mean, it's been months, and it's not like we haven't been doing that for years before all of this actually happened so. I should be okay with it, maybe it'll actually help my memory to come back." It almost seemed like there was something that he wasn't saying, that he was staying silent about, but in that moment, Gabriel didn't care. He was offered a warm bed and Sam had offered it without him pushing.
"You are sure, right?" he asked one last time, before crawling next to him.
"Yes, Gabe, I am sure." Sam practically rolled his eyes as he lay down on his side of the bed, bringing the blankets closer around him. "Will you just get your ass into bed before I drag you to bed?"
"Yes sir," he grinned, crawling under the blankets. He wondered if Sam knew that he had always picked the side that he was on right now or if it was just the personal preference.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*
They woke up curled together, Sam's arm wrapped around his waist. Waking up like this was so comforting. Gabriel had missed it, missed it like an alcoholic missed the drink when he laid off for a few weeks or well, days. Sam was pressed up against him, chest against chest.
For a minute, he could pretend that everything was okay, that he didn't have to be afraid that Sam would freak out on him when he woke up. Gabriel could still enjoy the warmth that Sam's arms offered. If Sam woke up, he'd pull back and hide away, probably get out of bed. He'd miss this.
However, Sam didn't pull awake when he woke up, instead, he only pulled Gabriel closer, nuzzling in his hair. He even sighed before realizing that Gabriel was awake.
"Morning," he mumbled. "What time is it?"
"Too early, it just turned eight am. Go back to sleep." Gabriel had slept better than he had done in weeks and he could probably go right back to sleep if Sam didn't move too far.
"Your hair smelled like apple when we married," he muttered, "like it does now. It made me remember. The scent of your shampoo. Did you, change your shampoo afterwards?"
"Yeah, I did, you hated it," Gabriel said, barely able to keep the grin from his lips. "You said that hair's not supposed to smell like fruit. We switched to another one a little after our honeymoon. You found them in London."
"Sandalwood," he muttered. "I found it at that little shop. We spend a month hunting it down here in Lawrence and didn't even end up finding the exact one." Gabriel loved hearing Sam's laugh. "I remember that Dean rolled his eyes each time that we mentioned it."
"You're remembering things again, aren't you?"
"Yeah, it's nice. I mean, this is still weird and I still need to... I still don't. This is awkward." Sam rubbed his hand across his face. Gabriel had thought that Sam had lost that habit a long while ago but it was picking back up. "I don't. I. Oh Jesus. Look, there is some attraction there. It's growing. As I get to know you again and..." He fell silent.
"I was already thinking that it would be like that," he sighed. "Look, I know that you're not wired that way - that you need the connection, get to know people before you fall in love with them or sleep with them. Not judging you for that buddy."
"Yeah, I just."
"Do you feel guilty?” Gabriel waited for Sam to reply, but it didn’t come. “Sam. You shouldn't. I'm. Okay, this is as awkward as the first time I tried to explain it to you. This time is better, because I actually know what I am now instead of having no damn clue about it. I'm ace flux. It's why I was so cool with it. We're both on the spectrum." Sam just stared at his husband with wonder in his eyes and his lips slightly parted. "You actually helped me figure out, showed me to AVEN, send me some articles. After a while, you figured out that you weren’t just demisexual but demiromantic as well. It’s okay.”
The waterfall that followed afterwards caught Gabriel by surprise. They talked, eventually sitting on the bed next to each other with their shoulders brushing. Sam told him about how Dean and he had been so close before their mother had passed, how the funeral had thorn them apart.
"Worst of it all," Sam muttered, staring at his feet, "I, forgot all of it. All of it is gone and now it's all coming back and I just feel downright horrible for what I did to Dean, for the shit I put him through."
“You put each other through a lot of shit Sam. Both of you did things that you can’t really be proud of. Lately, you were doing a little better, both of you. If this had happened a few months earlier, I don’t think that Dean would have even shown up at the hospital.”
“Do you think that, that there is a chance that Dean and I?”
“Yeah, you’ll be there again. You’ll be friends again. He showed up in the hospital, has been coming by with Claire and Ben every other week. He wouldn’t have done that if they didn’t want to make things better between you.”
“Thanks,” Sam muttered. “I. We should probably go back home.”
That day changed who they were together. The unspoken monster hovering over them was gone. For the first time in a while, Sam felt like he could breathe without restriction. It was finally all out there, all that he had bottled up, Gabriel knew.
Gabriel didn’t push him away, didn’t resent him. Didn’t do any of the things that John had done when he’d opened up about being genderfluid, about being comfortable in his own skin on some days and feeling all wrong on others. He didn’t throw him out, he, he accepted him for who he was.
It was nice. Finally feeling accepted, feeling loved. He could trust Gabriel. He knew that now.