It smells like summer right now.
I have a fan blowing the fresh air into my window, it's only an hour till sunrise as I start to write this, and apparently tomorrow is going to be pretty hot. It feels nice, a summer breeze on a spring morning. I'll be happy to sleep it away...
It's felt, loud the last few days. No better way to describe it. Just loud. I'm alright with that I suppose, the quiet is what I really hate. Too much of it can drive a man insane you know.
You see a dilemma of mine is that I only tend to focus on things when I'm under stress, and even then it feels like I'm on the outside of someone else's life looking in, but at least in those moments I'm moving with a purpose. Nearly everyone I know has tried to leave me with as little stress as possible since my "incident" in August, and while appreciated, it isn't working.
Mind you I'd be insane to even begin to imply that the other way was working as well (it wasn't) but an illusion it was when an illusion I needed. The disappearance of the illusion of progress from my life has left my failures out in the wide open and sapped me of the strength to acknowledge them. No one should be allowed this much time in the prime of their life to contemplate the relevance of their existence over and over again. No one.
I responded to the latest curveball life decided to throw at me in a very disappointing way, and I'm paying for it now.
These things are supposed to break you for a reason, and I don't really think it does anyone any favors (least of all me) by not letting them do their job. I resist them all till the last, to hold on to something that doesn't exist anymore for a sense of normalcy I no longer want.
The true question I suppose, is why?
And the answer is...
well if I knew that, I wouldn't be writing a blog at 5:15 in the morning.
It's felt, loud the last few days. No better way to describe it. Just loud. I'm alright with that I suppose, the quiet is what I really hate. Too much of it can drive a man insane you know.
You see a dilemma of mine is that I only tend to focus on things when I'm under stress, and even then it feels like I'm on the outside of someone else's life looking in, but at least in those moments I'm moving with a purpose. Nearly everyone I know has tried to leave me with as little stress as possible since my "incident" in August, and while appreciated, it isn't working.
Mind you I'd be insane to even begin to imply that the other way was working as well (it wasn't) but an illusion it was when an illusion I needed. The disappearance of the illusion of progress from my life has left my failures out in the wide open and sapped me of the strength to acknowledge them. No one should be allowed this much time in the prime of their life to contemplate the relevance of their existence over and over again. No one.
I responded to the latest curveball life decided to throw at me in a very disappointing way, and I'm paying for it now.
These things are supposed to break you for a reason, and I don't really think it does anyone any favors (least of all me) by not letting them do their job. I resist them all till the last, to hold on to something that doesn't exist anymore for a sense of normalcy I no longer want.
The true question I suppose, is why?
And the answer is...
well if I knew that, I wouldn't be writing a blog at 5:15 in the morning.