damn
Look, i didnt intend for this to get this far. Amanda i wrote to you saying i didnt wish to be friends because i thought that you would rather me just say that rather then giving the cold shoulder. I really didnt say you were a bad person, i didnt say that people dont make mistakes. I know your not a bad person, i know you feel bad about it. i am not trying to say that i am better than anyone. you know how stressful it is trying to hang around someone who doesnt think the way you do. I would expect that if i had done something that made you think differently of me that you would tell me. Right? Look, i apologize for saying it the way i did. i was angry at the time and it gave off a bad vibe. but dont misunderstand, i still believe what i believe. but i shoud have gone about it differently. And Amanda, can you really tell me you want in a relationship? your just not that kind of person. you like being free to do what you want. i wasnt trying to make it sound like you were something your not, but you know you wouldnt want to be tied down. And you know also, that i encouraged the whole Myles thing when you said you were going to dump mike. you know i didnt say "hey, cheat on mike, okay" And if you'll remember, at davids party thing, i asked you if you wanted me to allow myles to do anything. You said you didnt want to so i told myles to leave you the fuck alone. But i had to leave early so i wasnt able to baby-sit. I really did try to stand up for you. And when we were at Nikki's, again i tried to keep you from doing something you didnt want to do. only that time i succeeded. I did baby-sit that night. i stood by your side the whole time. now understand, i am not saying all of this just to bring it up. my point of all this is that i was a very good friend to you. you have to know i didnt try to make you feel more like shit. i just wanted you to know where i stood on it all. i would want you to do the same. The whole time your angry with me, you know its really you your angry at. And to one of your comments, i know guys arent property, i never said they were. but you and i have even talked about the whole friend rule. like when Crystal freaks out because Cayli or jennifer flirts with her flavor of the month, you and i have said how your not supposed to do that because it is the friend rule. So you see, you can think i have said horrible things about you and you can think i am talking about shit i dont know about, but i do know about them. All i want to know is, why you were saying those mean tings about tiphanie because what she did to amber but then you do it a few days later. All i am saying is that people keep pretending like they have never done anything to someone else and they thik they can talkabout people all they want. I have made those mistakes, i admit that i have. And i am not saying that i am perfect. But as you have seen in all my entries, i never said i hadnt made those mistakes. And i am not saying i am better than you, no one is better than anyone. I am just trying to change what kind of person i am and i cant change myself if i dont change my surroundings. I dont mean that you are a bad person to be around,I mean, yeah ben is a good guy, hes smart, interesting. And i ddint want him to think i was saying he was a bad person either. But tell me Amanda, hasnt amber been good to ben, she has been a good friend to him. i know he doesnt like her like that, i dont think he should. i am not saying he is wrong to not like her that way. but she does deserve for him to be a good friend to her. and i am not saying that liking you is being a bad friend. But he complains about all these girls who keep hurting him, you know he does, yet he treats amber badly when she has treating him good. you know that is true, when the tiph thing happened, you were behind amber the whole way, you agreed that ben was being a jerk, but now you think that it doesnt matter that you did the same as tiphanie. everyone thought it was horrible what tiph did, but they wont say a thing about what you did. Tell me, is that really fair. i am not trying to bitch, i am actually trying to tell you why i reacted the way i did. i in no way ment to make you think i was saying something i wasnt. but all i said was true. you know that. I know you'll get bored with ben easily. that is not a bad thing, its just who you are, all i am saying is that i know who you are. i know what your life has been like, i know how you operate. you let people walk on you because you want to be accepted. if that wasnt true, you would stand up for yourself and you wouldntare wat people thought of you for doing it. See, i know everyone probably hates me for what i have said, and as i have said, i should have said it in a different way but they were my beliefs. i am willing to have everyone hate me because i stood up for what i believe. and that is why you shrink inside, you know that people cant handle someone with a strong will. so you think things will be easier if you just pretend that every thing is okay, people say shit behind other peoples backs, they really screw eachother over but its okay. no one says anything because to say something is to be different and god forbid anyone stand out. i know people dont agree with my decision. thats fine, they dont have to, that is the beauty of opinions but just because everyone is calling me childish and saying that i dont know what i am talking about, i still stick by what i think. i know i have probably lost alot of friends over this, and that doesnt bother me because there just standing by their opinions on it. it would be great if people would just stop going in their shell and actually have fucking morals. And please dont think i am saying you dont have morals, all i am saying is that ours are different. thats all. Dont think i am just saying all this to be a bitch, i know ben thinks that but that is because he knows he keeps asking for shit. he goes for the wrong people. i am not saying you are the wrong person, you jsut dont want to settle down to quickly, he wants someone he can attach to quickly and you wont like that. So he is mad at me because i said exactly the truth and he doesnt like it. you know its the truth, and again hes not a bad person, i am not saying anything bad about him, all i am saying is the same shit that no one else will say and what he will not admit to himself. He said he is sick of hearing me bitch, but thats funny because i never went to him for anything. I never considered him a close friend so i never bitched to him. And i want you and him to know that amber had nothing to do with all i said, she didnt want me to say anything, she has forgiving both of you and i dont want her to get the shit because no one liked what i had to say. So please dont be mad at her because of me. So i guess what i am saying is,.....I am sorry for what i said coming across as it did. i didnt mean it that way, i do not change my mind about how i feel about it but i should have had more descency and said it differntly. And if ben sees this, i do mean everything i said, but i should have done it differently.