(no subject)
Since I don't have the ability to sleep right now I decided I would update. Not that I care too. Maybe I will bore myself, and get tired.
Well really this entry was intended to be the story about Josh drowning, but I have decided for an unknown reason that I'm not up to telling the story. I've told it plenty of times, and I've gone through the events of that day over and over and over again in my head and it's just been driving me crazy. I never really knew what it felt like to not be able to get such horrible images out of your head, I'd rather have anything but this on my mind, anything whatsoever. I've done a pretty good job of keeping occupied to stop me from thinking about it, but today that all kind of went to shit when me and Britney got to my house. I can't even explain how much I miss Josh, how bizarre this whole thing is. I saw it all happen yet I'm still in disbelief? I wonder when this stage is gonna completely wear off, I'm not sure I want it too. I haven't yet to really endulge the whole feeling of his absence. I saw Josh almost every day of my life for the past 6 or 7 years. I miss him so much. No one will EVER compare to him. No one has ever been so willing to do absolutely anything for me, man.. I have told Josh things that I have never told anyone. I need him to talk to. My mom says "You can still talk to him, he's always there" I know he's there but it's not the same. I can't hear him talk back, I don't know what his reaction is, I wouldn't be able to hear and see him laugh or to hear his jokes that he was always always making. I can't feel him giving me a hug or a kiss. I wanna see him so bad. I wanna secretly go to a movie with him like we always did so no one else would get mad, and tell him everything I've done like I used to, and everything I want to do, and everything I do that I'm not supposed to. I wanna tell him everything. I can't stand this. I'm so exhausted, I'm so sick of crying and wanting him back knowing that it's never gonna happen, it hurts so bad. so so so bad. All this time I've been depressed over being "hurt", and being in pain, and being sad. Nothing that has hurt me in the past 3 years of being unhappy ever ever ever compared to this, I feel fucking ignorant. I feel like an idiot. This whole time instead of being happy with what I had all I did was look at the negative, and now I don't have part of my life anymore, I never really appreciated Josh as much as I should. Yeah I loved him to death and I would have done anything for him but there's so many things I regret not doing that now I'm never gonna be able to do. I sound like a fucking retard, none of this is making sense to me when I put it in words. I don't know what to do, I'm lost. There's no one to talk to right now and I can't stop crying. I've yet to be by myself while I was crying and I'm scared.
His funeral is tomorrow, I don't want to say goodbye to him
Well really this entry was intended to be the story about Josh drowning, but I have decided for an unknown reason that I'm not up to telling the story. I've told it plenty of times, and I've gone through the events of that day over and over and over again in my head and it's just been driving me crazy. I never really knew what it felt like to not be able to get such horrible images out of your head, I'd rather have anything but this on my mind, anything whatsoever. I've done a pretty good job of keeping occupied to stop me from thinking about it, but today that all kind of went to shit when me and Britney got to my house. I can't even explain how much I miss Josh, how bizarre this whole thing is. I saw it all happen yet I'm still in disbelief? I wonder when this stage is gonna completely wear off, I'm not sure I want it too. I haven't yet to really endulge the whole feeling of his absence. I saw Josh almost every day of my life for the past 6 or 7 years. I miss him so much. No one will EVER compare to him. No one has ever been so willing to do absolutely anything for me, man.. I have told Josh things that I have never told anyone. I need him to talk to. My mom says "You can still talk to him, he's always there" I know he's there but it's not the same. I can't hear him talk back, I don't know what his reaction is, I wouldn't be able to hear and see him laugh or to hear his jokes that he was always always making. I can't feel him giving me a hug or a kiss. I wanna see him so bad. I wanna secretly go to a movie with him like we always did so no one else would get mad, and tell him everything I've done like I used to, and everything I want to do, and everything I do that I'm not supposed to. I wanna tell him everything. I can't stand this. I'm so exhausted, I'm so sick of crying and wanting him back knowing that it's never gonna happen, it hurts so bad. so so so bad. All this time I've been depressed over being "hurt", and being in pain, and being sad. Nothing that has hurt me in the past 3 years of being unhappy ever ever ever compared to this, I feel fucking ignorant. I feel like an idiot. This whole time instead of being happy with what I had all I did was look at the negative, and now I don't have part of my life anymore, I never really appreciated Josh as much as I should. Yeah I loved him to death and I would have done anything for him but there's so many things I regret not doing that now I'm never gonna be able to do. I sound like a fucking retard, none of this is making sense to me when I put it in words. I don't know what to do, I'm lost. There's no one to talk to right now and I can't stop crying. I've yet to be by myself while I was crying and I'm scared.
His funeral is tomorrow, I don't want to say goodbye to him