sipping jager out of a wine glass
God. I'm sorry. I think I've been more sorry in my life than anything else. it seems like everytime i turn around im feeling apologetic for some action that went wrong. granted, my apologies are only expressed in the paper or online form & never in real life, so what type of apology is that? but i digress.
right now, i have no way to contact you. you deleted your myspace, i just texted you & with no response, its kinda leading me to belive that maybe your phones turned off. but if you responded, i dont know what i would say. more sorries? more wishes i had for us? more promises that one day it would be YOU & me, and not me& HIM? i dont know. i just read somewhere that aries' tend to chase loves that dont exist. chase after the ones that they have to MAKE love them, & then after they get them, the run away. is that why im after you? because you havent reciprocated my wants since we reconnected afer 2 years of not talking? thati just want to know im desirable to anyone besides the one thats slept besides me for 4 years? or because i really love you? when we talked recently all you told me was how much you wanted to fuck me. but im not stupid. i know what i want to hear. &i know that sex & feelings are two seperate things. & i want you to want me. to love me again like you did. to be that 17 year old nymph who captured your lips on that california beach 3 summers ago, to be that 14 year old girl who first caught your glance. not to be that body you wish now you had conquerd once the feelings are gone on your end & you just want another notch on your bedpost.
am i making sense?
probably not.
let me smoke my cigarette for a second.
oh, i know you hate the smoke.
but deal.
because trust me, theres a lot of things about you i hate.
i just texted you again.
im hoping the no response just means youre sleeping.
ugh. it smells like licorice & i hate it but i want alcohol in my system. & its so cold but i leave the door open because i need to smoke right now like my life depends on it. oxymoron?
im going to finish this glass & crawl into bed.
ive run out of words.
& i dont feel any better.
one more cigarette...
right now, i have no way to contact you. you deleted your myspace, i just texted you & with no response, its kinda leading me to belive that maybe your phones turned off. but if you responded, i dont know what i would say. more sorries? more wishes i had for us? more promises that one day it would be YOU & me, and not me& HIM? i dont know. i just read somewhere that aries' tend to chase loves that dont exist. chase after the ones that they have to MAKE love them, & then after they get them, the run away. is that why im after you? because you havent reciprocated my wants since we reconnected afer 2 years of not talking? thati just want to know im desirable to anyone besides the one thats slept besides me for 4 years? or because i really love you? when we talked recently all you told me was how much you wanted to fuck me. but im not stupid. i know what i want to hear. &i know that sex & feelings are two seperate things. & i want you to want me. to love me again like you did. to be that 17 year old nymph who captured your lips on that california beach 3 summers ago, to be that 14 year old girl who first caught your glance. not to be that body you wish now you had conquerd once the feelings are gone on your end & you just want another notch on your bedpost.
am i making sense?
probably not.
let me smoke my cigarette for a second.
oh, i know you hate the smoke.
but deal.
because trust me, theres a lot of things about you i hate.
i just texted you again.
im hoping the no response just means youre sleeping.
ugh. it smells like licorice & i hate it but i want alcohol in my system. & its so cold but i leave the door open because i need to smoke right now like my life depends on it. oxymoron?
im going to finish this glass & crawl into bed.
ive run out of words.
& i dont feel any better.
one more cigarette...