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all of the things in my one closet had to be taken out so joey could do some plumbing.. some weeks ago. i never put all my things back inside 'cause it just wasn't a priority. but i was cleaning a bit earlier so i decided maybe i'd finally do something with all the crap on my floor. i went to put away my yearbook from last year and my group picture from senior trip fell out. and then i was looking at my 8th grade class group pic. and how diff everyone looked. and then how some people looked exactly the same, just a bit taller, skinnier, fatter, or something. and my 5th grade yearbook. it seems so much older than it really is. like it was my grandpop's or something. the signatures are all fading, but they're so funny. such sloppy signatures. and the pictures in there.. it's so odd. how those days are gone. elementary, middle school, and finally high school. i'm finally done with all of it. and in all those years i always thought that was my life: school. i never pictured not being in school five days a week all year long, excluding summer. it was just so routine. and now i'm college. so it's school. but it's not at all the same. everything is so different. not bad. just different. but looking at all the "love ya always", "call me", and "bff"'s scribbed next to nicknames like "jillie" and "jj". haha. i would never call jill brangs jillie these days, nor would i call jamal, jj. but that's how it was in elementary. even in middle school. and the worst part of these books, but maybe the funniest, are the marks i made. some people's faces are crossed off who i guess i disliked then. and i can't even remember hating them. or anything. i drew a mustache on one girl. haha. and then a big heart around nate whom i loved so much that i would picture him at the end of the track while nicki pictured cory and they were 'waiting for us in a limo' so that we would finish our mile in gym class. lol. oh, and the best is that i circled all the pictures of myself in my elementary book. yeah, i wasn't concieded. and then the highschool book. girls without bangs. jamal isn't called "jj". signatures are legible. i don't know. it was a nice trip down memory lane. kinda, no, it def, makes me miss the 'old days' though. as much as i always used to bitch about how i hated school and this teacher and all of that. it really isn't that bad. it's not bad at all. sometimes it's even quite easy. i mean, at the time it doesn't seem that way. not at all. i dunno. but it's an experience like no other. you grow up with these kids. i can't imagine being home-schooled or moving from school to school. i mean, i switched schools in second grade and i couldn't've hated that more. people who come to highschool senior year. i don't know. it's crazy. you start out with these people, sharing your little cookies and milk or whatever at lunch, everybody's friends with each other, playing tag at recess. then you hit middle school and the cliques begin. you're "cool" or you're not. the pettiness starts. some girls become sluts and the boys are trying to get with them. you're still just a kid, though. you think you're not, but you are. then highschool hits and you no longer have that bowl haircut or bangs that go all the way around your forehead. as a freshman, everyone wants to make a name for themself as they try to figure out themselves. try out the drugs and become a pothead or cokehead or not. things are stupid. there are rumors and drama. but by time you hit senior year, you realize none of that petty shit matters anymore. it never did. it was just shit. everyone's cool (for the most part). you realize you grew up with these people. and lastly, we all toss our hats at graduation together. and for the most part, we all go in diff directions. it's just odd. especially when you see some of these people who you weren't/aren't friends with, but you knew for only 13 years or whatever of your life. it's like a prisoner let of jail. you're free and you have to decide where the fuck you go and what you do. and most importantly, why you go there and do what you do. but how the hell do you choose? i don't know. i know this entry is too nostalgic and kind of annoying. i guess i should go finally put my yearbooks in the closet. but it was an amusing trip down memory lane. laughing at myself. and everyone else. but really. the things you write and others have written and the pictures. it's great for a good laugh. except it does make you miss the things you no longer have. i think i'm having an "osh kosh" moment. or night. haha. whatever.
i'm sitting home on a saturday night. i don't care though. i was exhausted earlier, catching up on some much needed sleep. even though you supposedly can't "catch up" on sleep, according to theories and shit. but i can. and i did. and i feel nicely refreshed now. haha. yeah. my phone rang recently and my first thought is, "omg, it's sean". i really wonder what he must think of me. he was calling for a while and i just couldn't answer or call him back. then on wednesday he called me again, while i was babysitting. i felt really bad about not calling him back over the weekend before. so i called and as much as i wanted to hang up, i didn't. i really didn't know what to say. and so finally i just spit out, "hey, what's up?". we talked like nothing happened. not that anything really happened. just the whole me not calling him back about hanging out and stuff. i dunno. then he asked why i didn't call him and i just told him i won't call people unless they tell me to at a specific time or i have an actual or specific reason for calling. even thought it's not that i "won't", but that i "can't". i was going to say, "oh yeah, i have SAD and these are some of the stupid things i do because of that.." he said my theory of how i won't call someone is "pretty fucked up". but it is. and then he just kept talking. we talked the whole drive home from d-town. and then i got off. i told him i'd call him thurs. so we could hangout. i really thought i could. 'cause he was expecting it. and i felt bad about the previous times not calling. well, thursday came.. and i just didn't call. he called twice. and that was it. i don't expect another call from him. i don't care. and i don't blame him. i just feel bad. i feel like such a bitch, but whatever. i thought i liked him, but i think if i did, i'd be calling him.. i don't know, i was all in love with him when he took me to prom. that was like, a dream come true. haha. this hot, older boy. i dunno. but i couldn't have him 'cause he had a girlfriend and then he got engaged. i guess i only liked him when i couldn't have him. whatever. the only thing i'm worried about is the next time i see him. i mean, i'll have to eventually. even if i avoid him 'til joey and michelle get married lol. i'll see him then. though, that wedding won't be for a good few years so i don't think he'd greet me with, "you bitch, you didn't call". but things like going to the shore this summer.. or even sooner.. if, i don't know, he comes over. though, he rarely does. whatever. i feel like he thinks it's 'cause i'm younger though. or that he treats me like i'm younger. and yes, i am younger than him. but i'm not a kid. maybe that's why i don't like him like i used to. i can't stand being though of as a kid. i know i still act like one at times. but everyone does. and i'm really not getting out what it is i meant to say. i kind of.. lost my train of thought here.
i was rockin' out to rancid and rbf yesterday. my dad made me take his and my mom's crv 'cause it has four wheel drive and ya know, if there's an inch of snow, my camry just can't hack it.. whatever. he worries. so i just took their car to avoid and argument. i hate driving the crv, though. i feel so stiff. or something. i'm just relaxed in my car. and i can smoke and not worry if i accidently drop the ashes, which i always do. and it has my music. anyway, the radio usually sucks so i grabbed a few cds before heading up to school. and i was so into the music. haha. it's so funny sometimes when i see someone singing in their car, really into it. and you can tell if they're singing or talking on the phone or to someone on speakerphone or whatever. you can just tell. so i imagine i looked stupid, but i didn't care. i was all about it. haha. it made me think of when nicki and i saw rancid. and that was amazing. purely amazing. even if it was at factory. and then the time emma, nicki, and i saw rbf with our french girls. lol. and how jesse was there and we did our ritual "sametimes". and andrew. and how he tried to be nice and say "hi" in french to them, but they were just bitchy and sleeping. and i think amanda was there. a lot of people were there. and it was just so fun. sooo long. but fun. the longest ever. nicki's dad was waiting for us outside like an hour after we said we'd be out. it seemed like rbf was going to play forever. and as tired as we were getting, the music just kept you up. made you wanna run around. move. sing. scream. yeah. great times. some more nostalgic(ness?). i don't know how you'd say that. but yeah. enough of all this. gotta go do some real exciting stuff.. first thing on my list, rotate the laundry. ohhh yeah. saturday nights. too crazzzy.
i really wanna go to a show. i haven't been to one in forever. maybe rancid was the last one. i'm going to see lee ann womack at the keswick in april, but that's just not the same. not at all. flogging molly is coming to the troc(i think). and that would be awesome. but i doubt i'll go. i dunno. but when nicki comes up, we need to find a show.
i'm sitting home on a saturday night. i don't care though. i was exhausted earlier, catching up on some much needed sleep. even though you supposedly can't "catch up" on sleep, according to theories and shit. but i can. and i did. and i feel nicely refreshed now. haha. yeah. my phone rang recently and my first thought is, "omg, it's sean". i really wonder what he must think of me. he was calling for a while and i just couldn't answer or call him back. then on wednesday he called me again, while i was babysitting. i felt really bad about not calling him back over the weekend before. so i called and as much as i wanted to hang up, i didn't. i really didn't know what to say. and so finally i just spit out, "hey, what's up?". we talked like nothing happened. not that anything really happened. just the whole me not calling him back about hanging out and stuff. i dunno. then he asked why i didn't call him and i just told him i won't call people unless they tell me to at a specific time or i have an actual or specific reason for calling. even thought it's not that i "won't", but that i "can't". i was going to say, "oh yeah, i have SAD and these are some of the stupid things i do because of that.." he said my theory of how i won't call someone is "pretty fucked up". but it is. and then he just kept talking. we talked the whole drive home from d-town. and then i got off. i told him i'd call him thurs. so we could hangout. i really thought i could. 'cause he was expecting it. and i felt bad about the previous times not calling. well, thursday came.. and i just didn't call. he called twice. and that was it. i don't expect another call from him. i don't care. and i don't blame him. i just feel bad. i feel like such a bitch, but whatever. i thought i liked him, but i think if i did, i'd be calling him.. i don't know, i was all in love with him when he took me to prom. that was like, a dream come true. haha. this hot, older boy. i dunno. but i couldn't have him 'cause he had a girlfriend and then he got engaged. i guess i only liked him when i couldn't have him. whatever. the only thing i'm worried about is the next time i see him. i mean, i'll have to eventually. even if i avoid him 'til joey and michelle get married lol. i'll see him then. though, that wedding won't be for a good few years so i don't think he'd greet me with, "you bitch, you didn't call". but things like going to the shore this summer.. or even sooner.. if, i don't know, he comes over. though, he rarely does. whatever. i feel like he thinks it's 'cause i'm younger though. or that he treats me like i'm younger. and yes, i am younger than him. but i'm not a kid. maybe that's why i don't like him like i used to. i can't stand being though of as a kid. i know i still act like one at times. but everyone does. and i'm really not getting out what it is i meant to say. i kind of.. lost my train of thought here.
i was rockin' out to rancid and rbf yesterday. my dad made me take his and my mom's crv 'cause it has four wheel drive and ya know, if there's an inch of snow, my camry just can't hack it.. whatever. he worries. so i just took their car to avoid and argument. i hate driving the crv, though. i feel so stiff. or something. i'm just relaxed in my car. and i can smoke and not worry if i accidently drop the ashes, which i always do. and it has my music. anyway, the radio usually sucks so i grabbed a few cds before heading up to school. and i was so into the music. haha. it's so funny sometimes when i see someone singing in their car, really into it. and you can tell if they're singing or talking on the phone or to someone on speakerphone or whatever. you can just tell. so i imagine i looked stupid, but i didn't care. i was all about it. haha. it made me think of when nicki and i saw rancid. and that was amazing. purely amazing. even if it was at factory. and then the time emma, nicki, and i saw rbf with our french girls. lol. and how jesse was there and we did our ritual "sametimes". and andrew. and how he tried to be nice and say "hi" in french to them, but they were just bitchy and sleeping. and i think amanda was there. a lot of people were there. and it was just so fun. sooo long. but fun. the longest ever. nicki's dad was waiting for us outside like an hour after we said we'd be out. it seemed like rbf was going to play forever. and as tired as we were getting, the music just kept you up. made you wanna run around. move. sing. scream. yeah. great times. some more nostalgic(ness?). i don't know how you'd say that. but yeah. enough of all this. gotta go do some real exciting stuff.. first thing on my list, rotate the laundry. ohhh yeah. saturday nights. too crazzzy.
i really wanna go to a show. i haven't been to one in forever. maybe rancid was the last one. i'm going to see lee ann womack at the keswick in april, but that's just not the same. not at all. flogging molly is coming to the troc(i think). and that would be awesome. but i doubt i'll go. i dunno. but when nicki comes up, we need to find a show.