(no subject)
So I sort of feel like nothing's going right, because apparently nothing really is. Sometimes it doesn't matter if you go to the beach and take your shoes off in the middle of the winter... sometimes it doesn't matter that for a few minutes you're actually doing exactly what you want...and you're not "going through the motions" like every other hour of your existence. Sometimes I just wish... that I could make a plan, that one of my grandiose ideas came to fruition in the exact way that I had pictured it in my mind.
That I sit in my little room and I think of the million and one things that I feel would be amazing and even if just one of those things actually happened, I'd feel as if I were actually doing something that I wanted. But at this point that's the complete opposite. I've come up with idea after idea about every little thing in my miserable little existence. Whether it's what I want to look like, where I want to work, who I want to be with, where I want to go, what I want to study, what I want to make for dinner or where I plan to spend my vacation...even down to the phone calls....
Nothing turns out the way that I want it to. Absolutely nothing
It's not something that I WANT to get used to, but at this point it's the only way that I'm able to deal with it. I EXPECT that nothing that I want to happen will, and therefore I'm not as disappointed. Mind you, I'm still heartbroken at the fact that nothing works out.... believe me. I don't enjoy not knowing if I'm going on a vacation, or if the person that I'm supposed to be going with is dead or not, or just doesn't give a fuck like just about every other person...
what bothers me is that I said "prove me wrong"... just like I do with everything and everyone else.
and no one seems to be able to.
prove me wrong
time to sleep to wake up to start over exactly what i hate. my one day is over