(no subject)
it feels so shitty when you are eating healthily, binging and throwing up lesser, get active more often, some commented you had lost weight...then someone you havent met in a year met you and said things like "you got fat, you look like a pear & i'm not even kidding, you look so bloody fat" it's really hurtful.
what do i have to do?
count calories, one by one
do that whole restricting thing again when i am healthy now?
think of food day and night and in my dreams, get awaken when i thought i had a normal meal because its too much to bear, everything. no food till you earned it by exercising fanatically. and walking makes you giddy. you can't remember things and get distracted every 3 minutes. feeling sleepy when you are awake, not able to sleep at night because your stomach is growling. tick tock, wait till 6am before you prepare your breakfast because breakfast is important and is least fattening. then wait till 7am before you eat it, because you wanted to test your limits to resist. eat slowly, you have to wait for the brain to register the food. bite by bite, sip by sip. plain water after each bite. no flavoured drinks (with sugar allowed) coke zero is alright if you skip your meal, but then it won't fill you up and just gives you gas and you desert it because you HAVE to eat healthily. and then after you have finished your meal you will have to exercise otherwise the sugar in the food will turn to fats and all of your efforts would be ruined. you would wait for the food to digest, then you will run. if you have something on later on you would have to exercise quick. and do some sit ups, push ups, repeat till you are confirmed that your stomach looks a little less bloated, at least, feel a little better. lunch would be a candy. those sugar would burn off if you walked fast enough. and walk around, everywhere, thinking about those calories you had in the morning, those calories you had just now, and still you are hungry, you drink water, you drink loads of water. you go to the toilet every half an hour or so because there's too much water and no carbohydrates to retain them. and then you try to hit your tummy to beat the bloat from having too much water. and someday you find that you are afraid of drinking water too, because you will weigh yourself again when you reached home and you don't want the "water weight" to be an excuse for fats. then you shop in the supermarket for ingredients to prepare for dinner, you picked up the things you like and is considered fairly healthy before you decided it is still too much calories, and then you are finally done, you bought a bottle of sweet chili sauce and decided to ditch the candy because that particular brand of chili sauce is sweet, you really like it, and chili burns calories, so its like a double treat. you cooked dinner, and ate a portion and intentionally left some for tomorrow because "that's too much". this goes on till one day, you were hungry and started to indulge in this humongous amount of calories that it scares you. you eat and eat to calm yourself down; that it is okay to eat the normal portion you had before...then you weighed yourself, and moment of horror, it DID pile on. and then you drank a ton of water thinking that water will speed up metabolism. then you felt sick, and couldn't hold in the food, cannot stand to bear that thought of those....calories !..inside your body, you puke, you tried to puke them all out, some came out, probably around 30%. you felt better.....then half an hour later you got hungry, real hungry. so...all is lost, this day is messed up so you binge again. then for all you know you can't stop. this bulimia is taking over your life.
main problem is that i thought i lost weight.
i don't know what to feel.
i am going to weigh myself every single day.
starting from today.
i'm afraid i might get obsessive. but i think i have to. i am.
what do i have to do?
count calories, one by one
do that whole restricting thing again when i am healthy now?
think of food day and night and in my dreams, get awaken when i thought i had a normal meal because its too much to bear, everything. no food till you earned it by exercising fanatically. and walking makes you giddy. you can't remember things and get distracted every 3 minutes. feeling sleepy when you are awake, not able to sleep at night because your stomach is growling. tick tock, wait till 6am before you prepare your breakfast because breakfast is important and is least fattening. then wait till 7am before you eat it, because you wanted to test your limits to resist. eat slowly, you have to wait for the brain to register the food. bite by bite, sip by sip. plain water after each bite. no flavoured drinks (with sugar allowed) coke zero is alright if you skip your meal, but then it won't fill you up and just gives you gas and you desert it because you HAVE to eat healthily. and then after you have finished your meal you will have to exercise otherwise the sugar in the food will turn to fats and all of your efforts would be ruined. you would wait for the food to digest, then you will run. if you have something on later on you would have to exercise quick. and do some sit ups, push ups, repeat till you are confirmed that your stomach looks a little less bloated, at least, feel a little better. lunch would be a candy. those sugar would burn off if you walked fast enough. and walk around, everywhere, thinking about those calories you had in the morning, those calories you had just now, and still you are hungry, you drink water, you drink loads of water. you go to the toilet every half an hour or so because there's too much water and no carbohydrates to retain them. and then you try to hit your tummy to beat the bloat from having too much water. and someday you find that you are afraid of drinking water too, because you will weigh yourself again when you reached home and you don't want the "water weight" to be an excuse for fats. then you shop in the supermarket for ingredients to prepare for dinner, you picked up the things you like and is considered fairly healthy before you decided it is still too much calories, and then you are finally done, you bought a bottle of sweet chili sauce and decided to ditch the candy because that particular brand of chili sauce is sweet, you really like it, and chili burns calories, so its like a double treat. you cooked dinner, and ate a portion and intentionally left some for tomorrow because "that's too much". this goes on till one day, you were hungry and started to indulge in this humongous amount of calories that it scares you. you eat and eat to calm yourself down; that it is okay to eat the normal portion you had before...then you weighed yourself, and moment of horror, it DID pile on. and then you drank a ton of water thinking that water will speed up metabolism. then you felt sick, and couldn't hold in the food, cannot stand to bear that thought of those....calories !..inside your body, you puke, you tried to puke them all out, some came out, probably around 30%. you felt better.....then half an hour later you got hungry, real hungry. so...all is lost, this day is messed up so you binge again. then for all you know you can't stop. this bulimia is taking over your life.
main problem is that i thought i lost weight.
i don't know what to feel.
i am going to weigh myself every single day.
starting from today.
i'm afraid i might get obsessive. but i think i have to. i am.