keep all the secrets under the bed. open the curtains, forget what I said.
I haven't written in a very long time. considering I used to write at least once a day, that's a semi-big deal. I haven't even dared to look at my friends page yet either.
Ok.
I read all my previous entries and I decided that I guess I'll always be a warped individual. I can't write like a normal human being and that stuff is just fucking gay. so enough.
I'm really trying to figure out what direction my life is going. I was looking back at a lot of stuff today and I can't believe the fucked up things I do sometimes. I should probably be put away. but then how could I make all these marvelous fun mistakes that I always seem to make? actually I haven't done anything profoundly stupid since I've been here so I'll give myself that much. I have had a ton of fun and cried a decent amount of tears too, but I don't cry everyday anymore let alone even every week so that's a major accomplishment. ever since I've come here I've become a better person a little bit each day and happier too. there are people who help to make me better as well because they tell me when I'm being ridiculous. especially Sarah. I don't know what I would do without her. I miss Amanda and Linz a whole lot but at least I'm not alone here. all I know is when I lived at home I was never really happy and now I am.
I never realized the extent of one of my anxiety issues until today. I over-react. that's an understatement for those who know me. but I freak the hell out and worry and it's not voluntary. I can't put things in the back of my mind without sufficient time to think about them first. so while a normal person would be able to forget about something, I dwell on it for a while, allow myself to stress, then put it away or clear my own head. or I just keep freaking out. sometimes I just need someone to tell me to relax or to not worry. hearing it from someone else always makes me feel better. I can't always rely on myself. I've learned to be dependent on only me but everybody is in need sometimes. anyone who says otherwise is lying. the only problem is that very few people are actually dependable or trustworthy. I will never understand inconsiderate or selfish people. everyone can be each of those things sometimes. hell, I know I can. but it's the ones who don't think for one second about someone else's feelings that I cant stand. I don't know. I wish I didn't care so much. maybe my life would be easier. but I wouldn't be me and I wouldn't want to be like that.
my mom came here today because it's parents weekend but she didn't go to any of the events for parents. she took me to outback for dinner, gabes, and the mall. we had so much fun together. I let her drive my car and she bought me gas. I also got some really cute stuff. I wish my dad would have come but he didn't want to get me sick. my mom came up to my room with me after we came back and she kept saying bye and I love you and hugging me. and I realized when she left that I had something of hers that she left in one of the shopping bags and I wanted to run outside and bring it to her but I knew she was gone. and now I'm crying as I type and I don't know why.
I guess I just miss my mom. :'( but I know it's so much more than that. I've never cried over being homesick or over missing my family. it's what I know is going on at home that hurts.
thank god for the puffs on my desk. they've taken a lot of sad and happy tears for me.
I think I'm going to drink some raspberry gingerale and wear some comfy socks and just be lazy. this is not a drinking weekend. despite the skyy vodka and cosmo mix in my fridge left over from halloween. :o) I seriously don't need alcohol. it just fucks people up and in turn those people fuck me up. oooh well.
I'm excited for thanksgiving break.
goodnight!
p.s. I'll read my friends page later... I should be scheduling classes. whoops.
mwah!!