Focus on: [MaoJun fanfic] My best friend.
Where do I start? Well, big thanks to westhabsfan . Without her, I don't know if this fic would have been posted at all. I sent it to her for the first read because I wanted to know what she thought and if whether or not it'd be suitable to post. She replied much more thoroughly than I had expected. Eventually, I decided on exclusively posting it on ebisu_midnights
. Um, I hope she doesn't mind but I'm going to post our private message to each other on the forums because it answers the most questions and discusses my thoughts pretty well (translation: I'm kinda lazy, and don't want to retype things. =P ).
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From:yoshi09
To:ZoharielPosted:Today at 9:52 amSubject:Re: Hey...
Thanks so much for the feedback, Zohariel. Every bit of it was appreciated-- from the advice to the overall commenting/comparisons. I never really got feedback like this back in all my writing life, haha. All my beta-readers are real life friends that love writing to death (we make grammar jokes all the time, come on, haha) and have been for things like Harry Potter. It's always been a "would this character react this way?" (we're all about staying in character) or "Semi-colon would work better here..." never an essay length of detailed yet helpful commentary (which I thoroughly enjoyed, thank you). So with that said... I guess I'll have to take a bit of your time again, girl. *laughs* Because I intend on answering all your questions...
Zohariel wrote:Mel, the thing I love about your fic is that it shows the complete other side of their lives; the privacy that no one knows about except for them... naturally, it's just fiction but you grasp that aspect really well, which makes it believable. Overall, to me, it was genuinely bittersweet. Also depressing, in a way. Instead of boosting my Maotsujun spirits up, it went down. LOL. Not in a bad way, of course. Why is it so depressing, you ask? I don't know, it just felt so... hopeless, empty. (and I'm sure that you meant to do that) But it's definitely a good thing. If writers can affect you that much, then it means that you're an excellent writer. The quality of the whole thing was just admirable and exceptional. The execution of it all is also impeccable.
I wasn't entirely aiming for hopeless, but when I finished the fic I realized that's how it ended up. I think it's because the last sentence was "Maybe not." which is a fairly pessimistic way to end things, yes? But it's how Mao feels. She loves him so much, but she doesn't want to keep herself tied when she believes she pretty much doesn't have a chance. I was thinking about ending it with the lines "We are best friends," but it felt incomplete to me just doing it that way.
I'm sorry for bringing the Maotsujun spirits down-- but it wasn't all that happy a story to begin with. *laughs nervously* I knew when I first started writing this it was going to be sad. In fact, I only developed this story when I was listening to Planetarium and suddenly I found I had typed this when I should have been writing another fanfic altogether:
Quote:“You’re beautiful.”
No.
“What are you saying, Jun?” I demanded. I could hear the accusation in my voice.
I’m not beautiful. I’m Mao-chan.
“Are their multiple meanings to that?” he asked, sipping his drink slowly.
Don’t mistake me for your ex-girlfriend.
Mao’s felt her hand start to shake around her drink, “Don’t say things like that, Jun.”
“Are we really just best friends, Mao?”
You’re supposed to be predictable.
“Of course.”
Mao made a movement to lift her drink to her lips again but Jun stopped her.
“Don’t play with me. Don’t you dare start now.”
Mao glared at Jun, “We are, and will always be, just best friends.”
I was surprised, and couldn't help but start wondering things like, "Why are they acting this way?" "Who's Jun's ex?" "What got Jun to tell Mao she's beautiful?" "Why is Mao so resentful?" Even though this part never made it to the actual story, it was literally the foundation for which I wrote it. I wanted to use Mao's last line, but it was just too final. I didn't want my story to be final, I wanted it to leave people with separate reactions, and a bit of confusion (like you had I suppose <.<) because that's how Mao feels.
Zohariel wrote:
But Maotsujun-wise? I've got to admit, it was a little westernized. The innocence of Japanese culture wasn't present in this story. I don't really know how to explain, because I'm sure that not everyone in Japan are conservative like I'm trying to say, especially stars like them, but yeah, it was very different from the usual MaoxJun stuff. It demonstrated more your skills as a writer than Maotsujun (I dunno how to explain) But as for me, I enjoyed it. I really did. You took them into a different angle and fully explored it. So I guess in a way, it depends on the reader if they'll appreciate what you did in the story. I don't know if you'll agree with me but people who aren't used to the "Western style" of things won't... how should I say this, understand or see your story as fitting to Maotsujun. Do you get what I mean? 'Cause like you said, I don't think Jun has this hatred for himself or is that pessimistic. And for Mao, she probably does have some insecurities (a lot of women do... but for Mao, I've always had this gut feeling that the one thing she hates about herself is guy-related, like you said in the fic) but I'm pretty sure she loves the person she is. (Note: she was asked once if she loved herself, and she said "chotto suki". Which I think means, "I like it a bit".) Also, your approach in this fic is real-life, right? The way in which you wrote their timeline is indeed believable, but not so much truthful to what really unrolled in real life. Does that make sense? The reason why I'm saying this is because I am a strong believer that they have been going out, a little before HYDF filming started. But that's just me LOL, so don't take that comment as personal.
You're right it was very westernized. I didn't entirely *intend* to do so. As soon as I made the decision that I was going to make this rated M I *wanted* (and this is going to be very hentai of me, but it's true) to write them in a passionate love scene that lead to a complicated yet understandable relationship. I figured out that it would be very difficult to make it work though if they had the usual flirt-play that's so innocent and sweet. I wrote two versions for the love scene, one was rough (which is what I posted) and one was very sweet. They both led to the same conclusion but not the same feeling. I was so torn between both versions that I even asked in the chat (which you replied to *wink*) on whether or not Jun was more playful/teasing (translate: rough) or sweet/loving (translate: soft). It didn't help me one bit in decision-making *laughs* but eventually I chose the rough one, and I'm happy I did. Call me a sadist but I really wanted people to feel their desperation. >.>
I agree entirely with you about Jun not being this pessimistic. I don't think he is, but for the sake of this story he had to reveal something very deep and very... unlikely for a person to just share with everyone. Again, homing in on MaoJun closeness. For whatever reason, I chose he hated everything about himself. It just made the most sense to me, and although I don't believe he does hate himself in real life, I think there's a bit of him that doesn't always agree with what he does on screen in front of everyone.
I actually also wanted Jun to ask Mao why she was unable to always say how she truly felt, but that'd lead the story to a different direction (possibly with a happy ending. =P ).
Furthermore... I agree that Mao is not *this* insecure. When I was writing, I was originally going to have that playful-turn-passionate kiss on page 14 into a playful kiss-turned-passionate sex. <.< But it didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I ended up just stopping the story at Mao leaning over and kissing his forehead and saying, "My best friend." before I skipped over to the next day where they wake up on top of each other. While I was writing the next day where Mao has all these revelations I knew I had to put somewhere back in last night where something else happened between them which that had not been expecting. I went back and just started typing away again, determined to put some kind of cuteness in there (I was feeling depressed writing this story too x_x I had to take breaks because there was too much sadness in it lol). It was around here where I realized this is too Jun-heavy. Too Jun-centric... Too... too much of Jun opening up, not enough of Mao-chan opening up.
I wanted readers (I was in an off-on mode on whether or not I'd share this) to know Mao depended on Jun just as heavily as he depending on her. It was really annoying because I had a much grander time struggling over what could possibly be our adorable Mao-chan's fault that could be so utterly devastating. *laughs* I know, I'm horrible.
So... I played on the one thing most, if not all, women go through-- their insecurity. In the end, it also made sense. On page 18 I wanted to input Mao also yelling about how she wasn't anyone's type. Jun is supposed to tell her that wasn't true, but then Mao would bring up the two times in a game show the HanaDan cast went on in which the interviewer asked if Mao was any of the F4's type and she only got a pity vote from Shun. I didn't put that in though because it was just really long explanation and the story still worked without it.
Wow, really long. <.< Um... also-- this story does not really reflect my MaoJun feelings of them at all. A closer rendition to what I think of MaoJun is my stories "I don't not love you!" or "Kiss me and drive me insane." But now, I think they're going out... especially since Jun and Mao both said "A lot has changed" when the interviewer asked them what has changed (between them?) in the PuiPui interview. And the nervous/cute giggles that followed afterwards. The HanaDan 5-city jet tour always kills me (18:23!!!) where Jun TOTALLY once-overs her with this appreciative glance. I've never seen that expression from him before. My timeline in belief they're going out is a bit different from yours though-- I think the closeness developed in HYD1 and some beginning of HYD2 filming, and then the courtship began sometime halfway in HYD2, confusion began in HYDF... and then finally they started going out a little after HYDF filming and around promos.
Zohariel wrote:As for the thing you asked (LOL I'm sorry I didn't mention it until now, I can't help myself into saying stuff) about the pace of it all, it was good. Honestly though, there were a couple parts that I wished you would have developed more to make the pacing even better. Like, for example, on page 14, when she says that they are best friends, and then when their friendly actions turn into something more. I feel like you should say what her motive was behind her kissing him so suddenly on the cheek. 'Cause at first, you can intensely feel a moment of friendship between these two, and then when she kisses him, it feels sudden. Also when she kisses him back after he kisses her on the lips right after. You don't really know why she's doing it. Maybe not say what her motive was but add a little there, like her emotional feelings as she's kissing him back. In "I don't not love you!", there was that moment in which Mao realized he wasn't laughing anymore and then their gazes locked. Something like that. I know you write afterwards that Mao admits that she wants him (My Best Friend), but as a reader you still feel like you don't exactly know what she wants. (I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense whatsoever to you LOL)
I fixed the page 14 part you mentioned. I thought it had been self-explanatory where Mao couldn't help herself and kiss him on the cheek, but I guess that was just me figuring it was lol... as for her motive... it was all playfulness. They were honestly just in such good moods by then they were doing things they've wanted to do to each other for a long time. I wanted it to be confusing to a point because it's how Mao feels. ^-^() But... I'll try to redevelop this part a bit more so it's easier to understand. Thank you.
Zohariel wrote:Also, I don't know if this has to do with the pace, but when she comes back two weeks later, there are few questions that lingered in my head. Like, was her fury somehow related to Jun at all? I felt like it was but you never mentioned it during that part. Maybe you meant to leave it as it is, I don't know, you tell me! For me, I felt like it did have to do everything with Jun but maybe some people won't get it. So yeah, maybe add more there as well. 'Cause yeah, Mao during this part is a little confusing again.
She doesn't know if her fury was at Jun at all. In all honesty, neither do I. I don't think she even knows why she went to Jun at all that night. It must have been really confusing for her, and I feel bad, but it had to be done. *laughs* Err... I think, she was furious at Jun for being a male, but she was also looking for comfort in him because of that very same reason. She wanted to *feel* wanted, and that rough foreplay they had there? Yeah, she totally wanted all that *hentai*. hahaha... some subconscious part of her longed for Jun (insert: UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION! haha), and the reason she "hated" him was not because she hated him at all. You know the saying, there's a fine line between love and hate? Yeah. She didn't know what to call it because it was so strong and it was controlling her, and had it been any other situation she would have been able to pinpoint it was love. *cute* =P She said it was raw and it was consuming her because she was furious with all men for pushing her away, but really it was her just pushing them away because all she wanted all along was Jun. Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun! *laughs* See, we lose out on all this because it's from her POV. x_x
And because I feel like it's not fair to just talk about Mao right now, I want to reiterate what was happening with Jun here... *giggles* This was really funny in my head just watching this when I was writing this scene from Mao’s perspective, and now typing the explanation here... but that could just be my cruelty again. 0.o Jun has his alone time from midnight - 3am, yes? He was reading manga when Mao called him out of the blue. She only said, "I'm coming up the elevator" before hanging up and Jun of course throws his manga carelessly over his shoulder probably into his closet or whatever and runs to the condo door to open the door (could you imagine how curious he must be at why she'd be coming over so late? =P). He opens the door, and Mao's there and she looks friggin gorgeous, which doesn't help because she looks so furious which only makes her look hotter to Jun. You see, Jun in this story (and real life) has always noticed she was attractive/pretty/beautiful, but he's never exactly... seen her purposely try to be sexy. So um, of course he's thinking other things as soon as he sees her, but she just brushed past him which is why his first reaction is: "Mao-chan?" all confused. hahahaha.... poor guy. Then he sees her going to the VODKA and is like: "oh hellz no." Then best friend-ness kicks in and he goes in and takes it away from her. (He's also a little hurt she ditched him for alcohol). He sees she's going crazy, all the while still looking hott, and then finally he gets pissed (something about her slapping him... =P). When she starts this rant about her not being beautiful he gets even ANGRIER because she's so gorgeous and he can't believe anything she's saying about how she wishes she were someone else, blah blah blah... and then he wants her to shut up and stop saying these lies about herself, but at the same time he wants to do very rated M things to her... poor boy must have been so torn... hahaha... but eventually he just starts kissing her senseless because she's hott and she's hotter when she's furious and because of course... he loves her. He wanted to prove to her she was beautiful. He also wanted to show her how much he wanted her. <.< *end Jun's explanation* ^_^
Zohariel wrote:Of course, everything I noticed is really minor. And it's up to you, really. If you don't feel that it should be changed, then don't change it 'cause maybe you purposely did everything I mentioned. As for publishing it, once again, it's up to you. I felt like this fic was really personal, I don't know why. ('Cause it was absolutely phenomenal! =P) Or maybe you're just THAT amazing as a writer. LOL. Yup, you really blew me away with this. This made me realize how you take writing seriously and how you're so dedicated to it. So yeah... To tell you the truth though, I don't know how the reviews of this are going to look like (as in, for the Maotsujun aspect of it). It's definitely different. But I loved it to bits and pieces. Wink I hope you do publish this though, 'cause everybody will get to see your crazy skills. Hahaha! Thank you so much for sharing this with me, it was inspiring. I am so envious of you. Haha. >_>
Not all minor. Some biggies which I really appreciated. ^_^ This fic was really personal. *laughs* I don't know where it came from. <.< *blame Planetarium* I was actually listening to Planetarium and Flavor of Love on loop on Grumpygeek's journal while I wrote the first ten or so pages of this. That was at least 4 hours of two songs over and over. I'm surprised I still am not annoyed by them now. <.<
Haha... I wasn't trying to show off my "crazy skills" in writing x_x ! haha, but thank you... *hug* I think I'll post it exclusively on Ebisu Midnights. Not LSS. E_Midnights attracts a different MaoJun crowd, don't you think? ^_^
Zohariel wrote:Zohariel
P.S. The love scene was just perfect. It was so raw and passionate, and pretty much just a rollercoaster of emotions. Don't worry about it, it wasn't pointless at ALL. Quite the contrary. Wink
Oh. Gooood. ^_^
Honto, honto, arigatou Zohariel!!!!! I'm sorry this explanation was so long, but I felt like since you spent so much time replying, I should too. Thanks again!!! Hope that answered some questions too. *loves*
~Melody
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I'll come back and edit this, depending on what reviews I'll get. *anxious*
~yoshi09
. Um, I hope she doesn't mind but I'm going to post our private message to each other on the forums because it answers the most questions and discusses my thoughts pretty well (translation: I'm kinda lazy, and don't want to retype things. =P ).
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From:yoshi09
To:ZoharielPosted:Today at 9:52 amSubject:Re: Hey...
Thanks so much for the feedback, Zohariel. Every bit of it was appreciated-- from the advice to the overall commenting/comparisons. I never really got feedback like this back in all my writing life, haha. All my beta-readers are real life friends that love writing to death (we make grammar jokes all the time, come on, haha) and have been for things like Harry Potter. It's always been a "would this character react this way?" (we're all about staying in character) or "Semi-colon would work better here..." never an essay length of detailed yet helpful commentary (which I thoroughly enjoyed, thank you). So with that said... I guess I'll have to take a bit of your time again, girl. *laughs* Because I intend on answering all your questions...
Zohariel wrote:Mel, the thing I love about your fic is that it shows the complete other side of their lives; the privacy that no one knows about except for them... naturally, it's just fiction but you grasp that aspect really well, which makes it believable. Overall, to me, it was genuinely bittersweet. Also depressing, in a way. Instead of boosting my Maotsujun spirits up, it went down. LOL. Not in a bad way, of course. Why is it so depressing, you ask? I don't know, it just felt so... hopeless, empty. (and I'm sure that you meant to do that) But it's definitely a good thing. If writers can affect you that much, then it means that you're an excellent writer. The quality of the whole thing was just admirable and exceptional. The execution of it all is also impeccable.
I wasn't entirely aiming for hopeless, but when I finished the fic I realized that's how it ended up. I think it's because the last sentence was "Maybe not." which is a fairly pessimistic way to end things, yes? But it's how Mao feels. She loves him so much, but she doesn't want to keep herself tied when she believes she pretty much doesn't have a chance. I was thinking about ending it with the lines "We are best friends," but it felt incomplete to me just doing it that way.
I'm sorry for bringing the Maotsujun spirits down-- but it wasn't all that happy a story to begin with. *laughs nervously* I knew when I first started writing this it was going to be sad. In fact, I only developed this story when I was listening to Planetarium and suddenly I found I had typed this when I should have been writing another fanfic altogether:
Quote:“You’re beautiful.”
No.
“What are you saying, Jun?” I demanded. I could hear the accusation in my voice.
I’m not beautiful. I’m Mao-chan.
“Are their multiple meanings to that?” he asked, sipping his drink slowly.
Don’t mistake me for your ex-girlfriend.
Mao’s felt her hand start to shake around her drink, “Don’t say things like that, Jun.”
“Are we really just best friends, Mao?”
You’re supposed to be predictable.
“Of course.”
Mao made a movement to lift her drink to her lips again but Jun stopped her.
“Don’t play with me. Don’t you dare start now.”
Mao glared at Jun, “We are, and will always be, just best friends.”
I was surprised, and couldn't help but start wondering things like, "Why are they acting this way?" "Who's Jun's ex?" "What got Jun to tell Mao she's beautiful?" "Why is Mao so resentful?" Even though this part never made it to the actual story, it was literally the foundation for which I wrote it. I wanted to use Mao's last line, but it was just too final. I didn't want my story to be final, I wanted it to leave people with separate reactions, and a bit of confusion (like you had I suppose <.<) because that's how Mao feels.
Zohariel wrote:
But Maotsujun-wise? I've got to admit, it was a little westernized. The innocence of Japanese culture wasn't present in this story. I don't really know how to explain, because I'm sure that not everyone in Japan are conservative like I'm trying to say, especially stars like them, but yeah, it was very different from the usual MaoxJun stuff. It demonstrated more your skills as a writer than Maotsujun (I dunno how to explain) But as for me, I enjoyed it. I really did. You took them into a different angle and fully explored it. So I guess in a way, it depends on the reader if they'll appreciate what you did in the story. I don't know if you'll agree with me but people who aren't used to the "Western style" of things won't... how should I say this, understand or see your story as fitting to Maotsujun. Do you get what I mean? 'Cause like you said, I don't think Jun has this hatred for himself or is that pessimistic. And for Mao, she probably does have some insecurities (a lot of women do... but for Mao, I've always had this gut feeling that the one thing she hates about herself is guy-related, like you said in the fic) but I'm pretty sure she loves the person she is. (Note: she was asked once if she loved herself, and she said "chotto suki". Which I think means, "I like it a bit".) Also, your approach in this fic is real-life, right? The way in which you wrote their timeline is indeed believable, but not so much truthful to what really unrolled in real life. Does that make sense? The reason why I'm saying this is because I am a strong believer that they have been going out, a little before HYDF filming started. But that's just me LOL, so don't take that comment as personal.
You're right it was very westernized. I didn't entirely *intend* to do so. As soon as I made the decision that I was going to make this rated M I *wanted* (and this is going to be very hentai of me, but it's true) to write them in a passionate love scene that lead to a complicated yet understandable relationship. I figured out that it would be very difficult to make it work though if they had the usual flirt-play that's so innocent and sweet. I wrote two versions for the love scene, one was rough (which is what I posted) and one was very sweet. They both led to the same conclusion but not the same feeling. I was so torn between both versions that I even asked in the chat (which you replied to *wink*) on whether or not Jun was more playful/teasing (translate: rough) or sweet/loving (translate: soft). It didn't help me one bit in decision-making *laughs* but eventually I chose the rough one, and I'm happy I did. Call me a sadist but I really wanted people to feel their desperation. >.>
I agree entirely with you about Jun not being this pessimistic. I don't think he is, but for the sake of this story he had to reveal something very deep and very... unlikely for a person to just share with everyone. Again, homing in on MaoJun closeness. For whatever reason, I chose he hated everything about himself. It just made the most sense to me, and although I don't believe he does hate himself in real life, I think there's a bit of him that doesn't always agree with what he does on screen in front of everyone.
I actually also wanted Jun to ask Mao why she was unable to always say how she truly felt, but that'd lead the story to a different direction (possibly with a happy ending. =P ).
Furthermore... I agree that Mao is not *this* insecure. When I was writing, I was originally going to have that playful-turn-passionate kiss on page 14 into a playful kiss-turned-passionate sex. <.< But it didn't feel right. I don't know why, but I ended up just stopping the story at Mao leaning over and kissing his forehead and saying, "My best friend." before I skipped over to the next day where they wake up on top of each other. While I was writing the next day where Mao has all these revelations I knew I had to put somewhere back in last night where something else happened between them which that had not been expecting. I went back and just started typing away again, determined to put some kind of cuteness in there (I was feeling depressed writing this story too x_x I had to take breaks because there was too much sadness in it lol). It was around here where I realized this is too Jun-heavy. Too Jun-centric... Too... too much of Jun opening up, not enough of Mao-chan opening up.
I wanted readers (I was in an off-on mode on whether or not I'd share this) to know Mao depended on Jun just as heavily as he depending on her. It was really annoying because I had a much grander time struggling over what could possibly be our adorable Mao-chan's fault that could be so utterly devastating. *laughs* I know, I'm horrible.
So... I played on the one thing most, if not all, women go through-- their insecurity. In the end, it also made sense. On page 18 I wanted to input Mao also yelling about how she wasn't anyone's type. Jun is supposed to tell her that wasn't true, but then Mao would bring up the two times in a game show the HanaDan cast went on in which the interviewer asked if Mao was any of the F4's type and she only got a pity vote from Shun. I didn't put that in though because it was just really long explanation and the story still worked without it.
Wow, really long. <.< Um... also-- this story does not really reflect my MaoJun feelings of them at all. A closer rendition to what I think of MaoJun is my stories "I don't not love you!" or "Kiss me and drive me insane." But now, I think they're going out... especially since Jun and Mao both said "A lot has changed" when the interviewer asked them what has changed (between them?) in the PuiPui interview. And the nervous/cute giggles that followed afterwards. The HanaDan 5-city jet tour always kills me (18:23!!!) where Jun TOTALLY once-overs her with this appreciative glance. I've never seen that expression from him before. My timeline in belief they're going out is a bit different from yours though-- I think the closeness developed in HYD1 and some beginning of HYD2 filming, and then the courtship began sometime halfway in HYD2, confusion began in HYDF... and then finally they started going out a little after HYDF filming and around promos.
Zohariel wrote:As for the thing you asked (LOL I'm sorry I didn't mention it until now, I can't help myself into saying stuff) about the pace of it all, it was good. Honestly though, there were a couple parts that I wished you would have developed more to make the pacing even better. Like, for example, on page 14, when she says that they are best friends, and then when their friendly actions turn into something more. I feel like you should say what her motive was behind her kissing him so suddenly on the cheek. 'Cause at first, you can intensely feel a moment of friendship between these two, and then when she kisses him, it feels sudden. Also when she kisses him back after he kisses her on the lips right after. You don't really know why she's doing it. Maybe not say what her motive was but add a little there, like her emotional feelings as she's kissing him back. In "I don't not love you!", there was that moment in which Mao realized he wasn't laughing anymore and then their gazes locked. Something like that. I know you write afterwards that Mao admits that she wants him (My Best Friend), but as a reader you still feel like you don't exactly know what she wants. (I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense whatsoever to you LOL)
I fixed the page 14 part you mentioned. I thought it had been self-explanatory where Mao couldn't help herself and kiss him on the cheek, but I guess that was just me figuring it was lol... as for her motive... it was all playfulness. They were honestly just in such good moods by then they were doing things they've wanted to do to each other for a long time. I wanted it to be confusing to a point because it's how Mao feels. ^-^() But... I'll try to redevelop this part a bit more so it's easier to understand. Thank you.
Zohariel wrote:Also, I don't know if this has to do with the pace, but when she comes back two weeks later, there are few questions that lingered in my head. Like, was her fury somehow related to Jun at all? I felt like it was but you never mentioned it during that part. Maybe you meant to leave it as it is, I don't know, you tell me! For me, I felt like it did have to do everything with Jun but maybe some people won't get it. So yeah, maybe add more there as well. 'Cause yeah, Mao during this part is a little confusing again.
She doesn't know if her fury was at Jun at all. In all honesty, neither do I. I don't think she even knows why she went to Jun at all that night. It must have been really confusing for her, and I feel bad, but it had to be done. *laughs* Err... I think, she was furious at Jun for being a male, but she was also looking for comfort in him because of that very same reason. She wanted to *feel* wanted, and that rough foreplay they had there? Yeah, she totally wanted all that *hentai*. hahaha... some subconscious part of her longed for Jun (insert: UNRESOLVED SEXUAL TENSION! haha), and the reason she "hated" him was not because she hated him at all. You know the saying, there's a fine line between love and hate? Yeah. She didn't know what to call it because it was so strong and it was controlling her, and had it been any other situation she would have been able to pinpoint it was love. *cute* =P She said it was raw and it was consuming her because she was furious with all men for pushing her away, but really it was her just pushing them away because all she wanted all along was Jun. Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun, Jun! *laughs* See, we lose out on all this because it's from her POV. x_x
And because I feel like it's not fair to just talk about Mao right now, I want to reiterate what was happening with Jun here... *giggles* This was really funny in my head just watching this when I was writing this scene from Mao’s perspective, and now typing the explanation here... but that could just be my cruelty again. 0.o Jun has his alone time from midnight - 3am, yes? He was reading manga when Mao called him out of the blue. She only said, "I'm coming up the elevator" before hanging up and Jun of course throws his manga carelessly over his shoulder probably into his closet or whatever and runs to the condo door to open the door (could you imagine how curious he must be at why she'd be coming over so late? =P). He opens the door, and Mao's there and she looks friggin gorgeous, which doesn't help because she looks so furious which only makes her look hotter to Jun. You see, Jun in this story (and real life) has always noticed she was attractive/pretty/beautiful, but he's never exactly... seen her purposely try to be sexy. So um, of course he's thinking other things as soon as he sees her, but she just brushed past him which is why his first reaction is: "Mao-chan?" all confused. hahahaha.... poor guy. Then he sees her going to the VODKA and is like: "oh hellz no." Then best friend-ness kicks in and he goes in and takes it away from her. (He's also a little hurt she ditched him for alcohol). He sees she's going crazy, all the while still looking hott, and then finally he gets pissed (something about her slapping him... =P). When she starts this rant about her not being beautiful he gets even ANGRIER because she's so gorgeous and he can't believe anything she's saying about how she wishes she were someone else, blah blah blah... and then he wants her to shut up and stop saying these lies about herself, but at the same time he wants to do very rated M things to her... poor boy must have been so torn... hahaha... but eventually he just starts kissing her senseless because she's hott and she's hotter when she's furious and because of course... he loves her. He wanted to prove to her she was beautiful. He also wanted to show her how much he wanted her. <.< *end Jun's explanation* ^_^
Zohariel wrote:Of course, everything I noticed is really minor. And it's up to you, really. If you don't feel that it should be changed, then don't change it 'cause maybe you purposely did everything I mentioned. As for publishing it, once again, it's up to you. I felt like this fic was really personal, I don't know why. ('Cause it was absolutely phenomenal! =P) Or maybe you're just THAT amazing as a writer. LOL. Yup, you really blew me away with this. This made me realize how you take writing seriously and how you're so dedicated to it. So yeah... To tell you the truth though, I don't know how the reviews of this are going to look like (as in, for the Maotsujun aspect of it). It's definitely different. But I loved it to bits and pieces. Wink I hope you do publish this though, 'cause everybody will get to see your crazy skills. Hahaha! Thank you so much for sharing this with me, it was inspiring. I am so envious of you. Haha. >_>
Not all minor. Some biggies which I really appreciated. ^_^ This fic was really personal. *laughs* I don't know where it came from. <.< *blame Planetarium* I was actually listening to Planetarium and Flavor of Love on loop on Grumpygeek's journal while I wrote the first ten or so pages of this. That was at least 4 hours of two songs over and over. I'm surprised I still am not annoyed by them now. <.<
Haha... I wasn't trying to show off my "crazy skills" in writing x_x ! haha, but thank you... *hug* I think I'll post it exclusively on Ebisu Midnights. Not LSS. E_Midnights attracts a different MaoJun crowd, don't you think? ^_^
Zohariel wrote:Zohariel
P.S. The love scene was just perfect. It was so raw and passionate, and pretty much just a rollercoaster of emotions. Don't worry about it, it wasn't pointless at ALL. Quite the contrary. Wink
Oh. Gooood. ^_^
Honto, honto, arigatou Zohariel!!!!! I'm sorry this explanation was so long, but I felt like since you spent so much time replying, I should too. Thanks again!!! Hope that answered some questions too. *loves*
~Melody
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I'll come back and edit this, depending on what reviews I'll get. *anxious*
~yoshi09