can't handle it
train booking. not just the pressure of making check-in, of having enough time to sit before departing. that's bad enough. do we wake up at 4am or 5am? will i be leaving York in the dark? how do i say goodbye to everybody? once i've checked in, what will we do? i won't be able to stop crying. the whole day, the whole day will be a wet mess. the train into Manchester, the bus to the airport. the stress of it all, and only on a few hours sleep - if that. when will i be too drained to cry anymore? and then... leaving him. going into security, waving as the tears stream down my face our faces. going to sit and wait for boarding but be unable to be in public and have to hide in the loo to bawl my eyes out. knowing that he's still in the airport, that he's leaving, i just can't see him anymore, can't touch him. knowing that while i'm boarding, he's on his way back to York. when the plane takes off and i'm hyperventilating because i'm crying to hard, and he's depressed on the train. knowing i have a long journey ahead of me, and soon he'll be back at the uni with Jack, Lee, Dutchie, Emily, Harriet, whoever else. he won't be happy, he'll be broken, i know it, but at least he'll have their support. at the very least he'll have some drinking buddies. they'll be uncomfortable and not know what to do with him and he'll pretend he hasn't been crying but they'll know, everyone will know and they won't be sure how to respond. but they'll try, and they'll make jokes and be kind and gentle and try to make him forget for the moment. and me? i'll have... not that at all. i'll have a long flight and dull films to comfort me, and strangers looking at me as if i'm mental. and then i'll be in baggage claims, waiting for my green suitcases, as he's heading to his dad's. and i won't be able to stop thinking about him. or about Dutchie, the other C-Blockers, looking right before left, Accessorize, automated stamp machines, the ducks, the purple buses - anything and everything that i love about England. after having awoken from a much needed nap after my mental exhaustion weighs me down - after that, i'll be awake and conscious and realise where i am and what's going on. and i'll start crying again. and people will stare but i won't notice because i'm not where i want to be anymore. and i'll be standing, waiting for the luggage. and we'll be thousands of miles and many timezones apart. and i'll have to come through the doors, dragging my bulky suitcases on my own for the first time in a long time, and i'll be reading signs in French and English and i'll have to come through the Arrivals gate and scan for Mom and Dad's faces but i won't be able to. my mind will still be on York, on him. it's getting late now and i don't want to unload this on him, even though i know he knows it's happening. so i've run to my room while he books the tickets because i can't handle it.