Falling is the Easy Part -19
For Gem, for being just generally awesome
Sian:
They let us have an hour sat with Jay. Told us we had to let him get some rest, which in true Jay fashion, he'd laughed at and joked that he'd got plenty of rest when he'd been out cold all night. I'd giggled but Sophie hadn't found it that funny and said we shouldn't be laughing about it. I think she was feeling guilty still about the two of them fighting. She was very apologetic when we'd first gone into see him, rambling on about getting the wrong of the stick and putting two and two together and getting five, that kind of stuff. Jay and I had both just told her to shut up.
Which she did. Reluctantly. But she sat and listened as Jay explained that we'd just had a chat together in the pub over a few drinks, and nothing even remotely dodgy had happened. I'd agreed obviously, hopefully nodding in all the right places. Sophie tried to apologise again and take the blame for him being hospitalised only to be shut up by Jay slamming his hand over her mouth. Apparently he'd just got into a stupid fight with some big bulky aggressive guy over a disagreement about Jay flirting with his girlfriend. He wasn't angry, or upset, or drowning his sorrows. And he didn't think it was Sophie's fault. It was just, in his words, a case of choosing the wrong girl to charm.
Though, he did also point out that he thought said girl was well up for it. Even more so after he started taking the punches.
It was a little awkward sat with them both after my heart to heart with Jay yesterday. Especially since I've yet to fill Sophie in all that. And Jay was only making it worse, raising his eyebrows and dropping cheeky remarks every now and again. I'm fairly sure I'd spent the majority of the hour blushing with my head down and trying to avoid Sophie's curious looks. I didn't exactly want to go into the whole thing in front of Jay. No, I hope that me and Sophie can have some private time later. Just the two of us.
We need to have some private time.
We need to talk.
Leaving the hospital Sophie appeared a lot more relaxed than she had when I'd arrived first thing this morning. I'm guessing knowing that Jay was going to be alright, and probably let out later this evening had taken a huge load off. I like to think that me telling her I do in fact like her had helped the smile on her face. It had definitely helped the smile on my own face and taken a load off my own shoulders.
I like her. And now she knows I like her. She knows that I spent yesterday afternoon pouring my little heart out to Jay. And also thanks to Jay and his eyebrow wiggling and elbow nudging, she knows that I want to be with her. I don't think subtle is something Jay acquaints himself with.
Anyways so now we've been ushered out of Jay's room by the nice nurse from earlier, who insisted we should go get some sleep and chill out before they release him. And whilst I'm tired, and fairly sure that Sophie is beyond tired, probably somewhere in the exhausted category, I don't really want to sleep. I'd much rather talk. We hadn't really spoken on our way from his room back out onto the street and I really just want Sophie to suggest that we go somewhere to talk. Like really.
But she's kinda just staying quiet. And I can't seem to find the courage to ask her. Even though I'm ready to tell her all, to put everything on the line for her, I'm a little nervous about breaching the whole thing. It's been so long since I did the whole feelings sharing thing, apart from talking to Jay yesterday, and it still scares me a little.
In a good way I think.
Yeah totally in a good way.
It's called falling in love for a reason right? I mean falling's meant to be scary. It's about putting yourself out there right? About facing up to the fear and getting past all that. I think, or at least I hope I think, that if I fall then Sophie's going to be there to catch me.
She will catch me right?
You see this is why I'm worrying. Meeting Sophie has turned me from me old 'don't-give-a-shit-what-anyone-thinks-of-me-super-sure-of-myself-bolshie-attitude' self to this, worrying about every little last thing. Worrying about how she looks at me, fretting about what she's thinking, anxious about whether she feels the same way about me as I feel about her. A few months ago, if I wanted something, I'd fucking go out and get it without giving a damn about how I did, but now, now that Sophie's involved its different. This ain't about me getting what I want anymore, this is about Sophie wanting me.
I want her to want me. I need her to want me. I need her to need me. Because that's all I feel about her. I want her. I need her. Jesus, I want her all of the time. I haven't been able to get her off my mind recently. At all.
It's like she's properly, well and truly gotten under my skin, and right now, I couldn't care less that she's a girl, or that I think she might still be a little mad at me, or that I look a right state, or even that we're in public, I just wanna grab her hand and drag her back to her flat and tell her I'm falling in love with her.
But that would require a little bravery. A little guts. And that just happens to be something I'm lacking right now. So here I am waiting for something for Sophie. Anything. Just a sign that we can't work at this, that we can fix whatever damage I did when I acted like a class A twat on Saturday night and we'll be okay. I need this to be okay. I can't have ruined it all before I even had a chance to properly be with her. Can I?
I watched as Sophie exited through the sliding doors of the hospital and went out onto the street, me following shortly behind. Maybe I could just follow her as she walks back to hers, assuming that's where she's heading. She might not mind if I just go with her. She might even be expecting me to do so. She might be just waiting for me to get the balls to say something. I guess I should right. I mean it's me that fucked things right up the other night, I'm the one who's had difficulty with this whole thing, I'm the straight girl with the history and the walls and the fear and all that crap.
I should say something shouldn't I?
“Soph?” I started quietly, my voice coming out all strained as if the weight of what I knew I had to say was constricting my vocal chords. It probably was. She turned to me, not really stopping walking but not really going anywhere, if you get what I mean. She kinda just slowed to a virtual stop until I was stood beside her, my arms wrapped around myself and my eyes firmly on my feet. What? Just because I'd somehow mustered the courage to say something didn't mean I was brave enough to look at her whilst I was saying it. “Can we talk?”
“Talk?”
Okay so that wasn't exactly the response I was looking for, but then I suppose when she wanted us to talk I didn't exactly respond in the way she was probably hoping for. I'm not giving up. I can't. I'm going to tell her the truth if it kills me. “Yeah, about everything. About yesterday and Saturday night. About the past month. About us. About me. I need to talk to you about me.”
“Okay, we can talk,” she replied and I looked up finally to meet her eye. She was smiling. Thank God. I'll take that as she wants to talk too right? Or she at least wants to hear what I've got to say. “When?”
I pulled my phone from my pocket, ignoring the missed call I had from one of the girls on my course and checked the time. It was just gone one. Looks like I had missed my lectures, probably why she'd been trying to call me. But that meant I was free all afternoon at least. Perfect. Well as long as Sophie's available too. “Do you have anything on this afternoon?”
“I've already missed my lectures for the day so no,” she said, checking her own phone and then glancing down the street before looking back at me. “Are you hungry?”
Huh? Am I hungry? Talk about swerve ball. Why was she changing the subject? I don't get it. I thought she wanted to talk too. I was more expecting her to ask whether I wanted to come back to hers or something. Although, I guess I am pretty peckish. I nodded, well aware that I was probably furrowing my brows in confusion.
“Good. I'm fucking starving, I haven't really eaten at all in the past twenty four hours. Do you wanna grab a pizza or something and come back to mine? We can eat, and then you can talk to me about you yeah?”
“Yeah,” I grinned, actually quite pleased that Sophie had suggested we eat too. Maybe if I start trying to open up whilst we're eating it might be easier you know, less pressure, less scary. It did occur to me too however, that I've got no money on me. In fact all this time I've been wearing my swimsuit with a pair of joggers and Sophie's hoodie thrown over. Not exactly a good advert for a potential girlfriend am I? “Yeah cool. Do you mind if I get changed and grab some stuff from mine.”
“Yeah okay. We can go via your place if you want, on the way, wait, is it even on the way? I don't even know where you live.”
I bowed my head again. She was right. Everything we'd done over the past month had been at hers. She'd never even seen my house let alone been inside, been in my room, in my bed. I felt ashamed. It wasn't even like the girls had been there recently. I didn't even have a decent reason for it. “It's on the way,” I told her softly and nodded in the general direction.
“Lead on then gorgeous.”
..........
Sophie:
Sian led me away from the hospital and towards the house she shared with her friends. It felt like something had shifted between us, that something had changed. Ever since I'd heard her asking that nurse about Jay, since I'd realised she'd rushed all the way to the hospital stupidly early in the morning because I'd text her, it all felt different. Good different. Amazing different. And then to top it all off, she goes and admits to liking me. This wasn't just about mind-blowing sex, or having her wicked way with me, or an experiment, or a spot of fun; this was so much more than that.
She wants to talk. About everything. About yesterday and Saturday night. About the past month. About us. About her. This was it right? This was Sian breaking down the walls she's spent the past month hiding behind. This was Sian wanting to let me in. This was Sian opening up to me. Finally.
This was us.
I followed her wordlessly. Words could wait. I knew they were coming. I knew that Sian was going to talk, to tell me what was going on in her head, what had been going on in her head over the past couple weeks. She came to the hospital for me. She talked to Jay about her feelings for me. She didn't run when I was a bitch to her. She'd nodded when I asked her if she likes me. And I know I like her.
I'm falling in love with her.
Yesterday that terrified me. The thought hurt me. I thought I was falling in love with someone who only wanted me for a bit of fun, a quick shag and a good time. But now...
Now I think that maybe, just maybe, she's falling in love with me too. I think I saw it in her eyes when I accused her of sleeping with Jay. I think I saw it in the way she hugged her arms across her chest nervously and blushed when Jay mentioned them having a little heart to heart. I think I saw it her grin when I suggested we go back to mine for pizza and a talk. No matter how good she is at hiding behind her walls or plastering on fake smiles or shrugging off my questions about her life, there's no way that she can hide that twinkle or fake that blush or pretend to smile like that. No way.
And that makes my heart race and my blood pump and my stomach feel all fluttery. We're falling in love one another. Me and Sian. Sian and I. Sophie and Sian. It has a pretty good ring to it don't it? I'm aware that my smile is getting wider and wider the closer we get to Sian's, and hence the closer we get to talking, and maybe the closer we get to being a couple.
Sian looked at me over her shoulder as we headed down a road of terraced houses and caught me smiling to myself. I felt a little stupid for a second until I realised she was smiling too, just as wide, just as bright. She really is beautiful when she smiles like that. Well, if I’m honest I think she’s beautiful no matter what she does.
She’s just, beautiful.
I’m falling in love with her.
Falling in love with that bright, infectious smile. With those deep, intense blue eyes. And those strong arms and muscular legs and toned abs. Impossible not to really. Not when she looks the way she does, giggles the way she does, kisses the way she does. She’s just so... loveable.
“This is me,” she smiled again, leading me up a pathway to a green doored terraced house. She fumbled around with her key for a few seconds before finally opening the front door and then turning to me, smiling shyly. I almost aww-ed at her adorableness. She was nervous. She gestured inside and stepped past her and into the house, with her following behind. “Home sweet home hey? I'll just change out of my swimming stuff and that. Do you wanna come on up?”
“Swimming stuff? Did you go swimming this morning?” I asked, only really now realising what she'd been wearing all morning. And when exactly had she squeezed a session at the pool in? I'm sure she'd appeared at the hospital at like sixish.
She bowed her head again a little, looking up at me through her eye lashes, still with the shy smile, “er, I was meant to but I kinda skipped it to come to the hospital. When I saw your text I just, erm, I had to come find you, make sure you were alright.”
Okay she's adorable. Really, really adorable. And loveable. There's no way I'm not gunna kiss her right now. Even if we have still got an absolute mountain of stuff to sort out. I stepped closer to Sian, her smile broadening slightly as she realised what I was about to do, what I wanted to do. Her eyes dropped to my lips briefly before meeting mine, that smile of hers finally causing her eyes to twinkle a little.
“Oh fuck a duck.”
A strange voice cursed from somewhere within the house and Sian jumped back from me quickly. Like really quickly. And pretty far back too. I didn't have time to question anything before a tall brunette girl appeared at the top of the stairs, juggling a pile of folders and books as she wrestled them into her shoulder bag. I assuming she must be one of Sian's housemates and the owner of the stressed voice.
“Hey I didn't know you were gunna be in,” Sian practically squeaked, retreating back even further and addressing her housemate. Must be Kat or Abi right? I met Hannah at the party last month and I'm sure there's only three of them. “Don't you normally have lectures all day on a Monday?”
“Oh yeah I do, just had to rush back in for my bloody coursework. Only went and forgot it this morning didn't I?” The mystery housemate laughed as she jammed some more papers into her bag. “God knows how you got up so early this morning babe. I've been proper dragging all day. Gotta go back in now as well ‘til like six probably.”
“Ah right.”
“Oh did Hannah fill you in about what happened with Tom and his mates last night?” The brunette asked and Sian shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. Her cheeks were beginning to go a little pink. She must be really starting to freak out a little at the situation we've found ourselves in. Although, I've got to admit, I wouldn't have moved in to kiss her if I knew there was going to be someone in the house. The thought didn't really occur to me. “Abi says his mate Jay, that one you said you knew, is still in hospital? He's not the one you were sleeping with is he?”
I couldn't help but let out an amused breath, and Sian and who, by process of elimination, must be Kat, both turned to face me. Kat only just seeming to register that I was even there. “Er, hi.”
“Hi,” I replied brightly, smiling widely. I caught Sian's eye for a second before she looked away quickly. She looked about ready for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. I suppose this isn't the easiest of situations for her. Almost getting caught kissing the girl you've been secretly sleeping with on an extremely regular basis for the past month by your best mate who is under the belief that you are, without a doubt, one hundred percent straight. I'm sure her head's probably going at million miles an hour right now. Her cheeks pinkened a little more visibly and I had to fight the urge to pull her in to a hug right there. That probably wouldn't be the best idea.
“Erm,” Sian muttered, gesturing between myself and her friend. “Sophie this is Kat. Kat this is Sophie. She's...erm...”
“I've just started swimming,” I finished for her, smiling widely again. This time Sian caught my eye over Kat's shoulder, a small appreciative smile gracing her lips for a moment. “Sian's helping me sort some stuff out.”
“Ah cool,” Kat replied in a genuinely friendly manner. It was easy to see why Sian considered Kat her best friend, why she'd told me that Kat was the one she went to when she needed someone to talk to or cheer her up or whatever. She just seems just easy to get on with. Even in the past three minutes or so, I can see that she's one of those type of girls who would do anything for their best friends, who would always be there. It definitely explains why Sian's said she's her closest friend. Kat checked her watch and cursed under breath as she moved towards the front door. “It was nice to meet you but I've really gotta rush. If I don't hand this work in before four I'm screwed. See you later.”
Sian and I both called bye as Kat disappeared out of the house and shut the door behind her. Sian quite literally breathed a sigh of relief and ran her hands through her hair before turning to me, “thank you for that. I just...”
“It's fine babe, you don't need to explain. Now come on, I'm bloody starving.”
.........
Sian:
By the time we got back to Sophie and Jay's flat, I was bloody starving too. I didn't even care that I was having take-out pizza for the second time in less than twenty four hours, I just needed to eat. Sophie had asked if I minded what we ordered, and when I'd suggested BBQ chicken she practically beamed at me, telling me that was the perfect choice. Is it sad that the fact we have the same choice in pizza topping makes me really happy?
Oh I don't even care if it is sad, it makes me smile.
And kind of picture us spending more time sharing pizza together and being all coupley. And that's kind of cool. Thinking about me and Sophie being all coupley. It makes me more than just smile. It makes my heart swell and those butterflies in my stomach flap harder and faster than ever. Only now, I don't really mind the butterflies. In fact I think I might welcome them from now on. The fact that Sophie gives me butterflies should be a pretty big deal right? I know I'm not big on the whole romance and relationships thing, but if someone gives you butterflies, massive flapping butterflies, then that means they're pretty special right?
Sophie's definitely pretty special.
Amazingly special.
I wanted to jump on her earlier when she covered for us with Kat. Quickly coming up with that little white lie about who she was and why she was there. No questions, nothing, she just did it. For me. And I'm sure lying about what we are, who she is, ain't ideal for her, but she's doing it for me. And that makes my heart swell just a little bit more and drives those butterflies a little more hyperactive.
Because if she did it for me, and I'm fairly sure she did, that means she must really like me back. A lot right? Enough to want to cover for me, and look after me anyway. Could it actually be possible that Sophie could be falling in love with me too? I mean how do you even tell if someone's falling for you? Can you tell? It's at moments like this when I wish I'd paid more attention during girly chats about boys and feelings and that, rather than just zoned out.
Or that I had my Mum here to talk to.
But...
Can't dwell on things like that. Not today. Not when I'm actually feeling good about myself, and about what could happen with Sophie. I can't let myself get caught up and choked. Not now. Not when I'm ready to talk, to let her in. I'm ready to be with her. Properly.
I'd like to think that’s she's falling in love with me too. It had been her who had first brought up the whole 'what are we' thing, and she had said she'd wanted more than just sex. That has to be good right? Like, it has to mean that she's got some kind of feelings for me, the kind of feelings that make you want to be somebody. And she always seemed to be happy and bright and smiley and all that every time I came around over the past couple of weeks, like she was always super pleased to see me. That has to be good too. I always get happy and bright and smiley when I see her, or even when I see I've got a text from her, and I know I've got feelings for her. Strong feelings. Stronger feelings than I've ever had for anyone else. Ever.
I relaxed back against the cushions of the sofa, tucking my legs up underneath me and aimlessly flicked through the television channels. I wasn't really concentrating on what was on, more the tirade of stuff racing through my mind instead. Mentally psyching myself up for bearing all to Sophie. Preparing myself for what I knew was going to be the most full-on situation I've put myself in for a while. That was the issue when it came to being closed off and distant; when it was time to let someone else in it was seriously difficult.
And knowing that I'm putting my heart on the line at the same time definitely isn't making it any easier. At all. Even though I feel I can trust Sophie. I think I could probably trust her with my life, it still doesn't mean this is going to be any less painful, any less hard. Stirring up the past always is. I remember when I finally opened up to Kat. We'd been living in rooms next door to each other for nearly three months and the first Christmas break was quickly approaching. She'd quickly become my closest friend since I'd arrived at university, probably the closest friend I'd had in a while, and along with Hannah and Abi we'd become a little unit. Hanging out every night, going out and getting trashed and having a laugh. We all worked. But then Christmas was on its way, and they all started getting excited about seeing their families again and going home, whereas I was facing the prospect of another Christmas and birthday alone.
Kat had caught me unawares one night in the last week of term, barging into my room singing Christmas songs and welding a bottle of Bailey's or something festive with the aim of persuading me to help her persuade the others to go out. Unfortunately she'd caught me face down crying into my pillow.
I cried a lot that night.
And then drunk an awful lot of Bailey's only to wake up the next morning with Kat spooning me from behind, both of us suffering from sore heads. She's been massively supportive ever since, offering me a place to stay at her parent's over the holidays, or filling the other two in on what had happened, making sure I didn't have to be reminded of days like Mum's birthday or Mother's Day or anything like that.
I'd come to Manchester for a new life, the offer of a swimming scholarship and a new city where no-one knew me as that poor girl who's Mum was killed was too good to refuse; but I think telling Kat the truth had been one of the best things I've ever done. And now it's time to tell someone else too.
Sophie had jumped in the shower quickly before the pizza came. I hadn't minded. She had spend the night in an hospital waiting room after all. She deserved a nice hot shower. And she definitely hasn't had the best twenty four hours of her life, what with me abandoning her in bed again, and then thinking that I'd been seeing Jay or whatever, and then the police turning up and taking her to the hospital and all that. And now it's my job to make sure that the next twenty four hours are a lot better for her. Hopefully a lot, lot, lot better.
I want to make sure all her twenty four hours from now on are a lot better.
Starting with the two of us, sharing pizza and cuddling up on the sofa for a bit, and me telling her who I am and that I want her. Hopefully I can manage to get it all out with minimal tears and getting tongue tied. I think talking with Jay yesterday has helped; made me feel less anxious and more confident about how I feel about Sophie. But that won't have stopped me being me. Won't have cured my inability to look someone in the eye as I talk or stopped my tendency to stutter and stumble over broken, choked up words. I've always struggled when it comes to talking about the real stuff, feelings and deepest secrets, even before Mum died. And ever since, I've just got worse. Retreated into my own head, refused downright to admit what's going on in my head and my heart. I've strayed from anything like that, scared of the consequences.
Scared of being hurt. Scared of being turned away. Scared of putting myself out there only to be torn down and hit rock bottom again. Scared of letting myself lose everything again. Scared of being alone again.
But now I can stray, or run, or hide. I need to face up to who I am. I need to tell Sophie who I am. If I want something more to happen with her, and I really, really do, then I'm gunna have to face up to all that. I'm going to have to struggle, and stutter and stumble over my words. I'm going to have to fight back the lump that will no doubt rise in my throat the second I even begin to think about what happened. I'm going to have to get past the tears that will fall and the fake smiles I've been hiding behind. No more fears and insecurities. No more keeping myself to myself. No more being on my own. Not anymore.
Not now I have Sophie. Now I'm falling in love. Now I think someone is falling in love with me.
My life is about to change.
Again.
Only this time, I'm welcoming the change. I want it. This isn't change that is being forced on me in some horrific circumstances like last time. This isn't about me losing everything I've ever known. This is about me taking some control of my life. Finally. After three long years I am finally going to stop just, surviving. I'm finally letting myself feel something other than pain or regret or grief or guilt. Something other than that which can be eased by a bottle of vodka and a nameless guy.
I heard the shower cut out from the bathroom, and then the sound of Sophie moving about the bathroom. This is it. This is the moment my life stops being about escaping the reality I've found myself in, and the moment it starts being about actually living. I can't escape anymore. It was me who made the first move on Sophie all those weeks ago after all. I'd started it all. Whatever it was that had being running around my head in that moment that made me close the gap and kiss her had ended up changing my life. It had all given me a new life.
The bathroom door eased open, letting out a little steam from within before Sophie emerged, wearing quite possibly the shortest robe I'd ever seen. The turquoise towelling material only just covered her ass and was very loosely tied at the front, revealing a hell a lot of skin. Tanned, glistening, smooth skin. Fuck. She's gorgeous.
I swallowed hard, suddenly aware that I was probably staring a little, “feel better now?”
She'd smiled coyly as she ran her fingers through the wet hair hanging around her face, as if she knew exactly where my head was running off to right now. This is the girl I’m falling in love with. Pretty fucking awesome right?
“Definitely. Not so urgh anymore,” she grinned, her eyes sparkling brightly. Not that I noticed much, my eyes were still being drawn to other parts of her body. “Still bloody starving though.”
“Yeah, right,” I mumbled.
“Eyes up Powers,” she giggled as she sat down beside me, slapping my thigh gently. Guess she did know exactly where my mind had wandered off to. Didn’t seem too bothered though. And why would she? She likes me, I like her, nowt wrong with a bit of perving on the girl you like right? She’s probably wearing that short ass robe on purpose. She caught my eye, still grinning knowingly, and slid her hand over my thigh softly. “So, you wanted to talk? About everything? And you and us and all that?”
I swallowed again, just as hard. Here I go. Time for the walls to fall and the fake smiles to be put away. Time to bear all. Time for truth.
“I don’t really know where to start,” I admitted shyly.
“Start at the beginning,” she replied gently, her hand moving over my thigh to where mine was resting in my lap and linking our fingers too. “The beginning’s always a good place to start I think.”
And that there is why I’m falling in love with her. Being understanding after all that I’ve put her through recently. She doesn’t even know what I’m about to tell her, probably couldn’t even guess at it if she tried, and yet she’s still being patient, and sweet, and just, well, just Sophie. I squeezed her fingers a little in mine and nodded.
The beginning.
“You know that night last week, when I turned up here?” I asked meeting her eye and watching as she knitted her brows slightly in confusion. I guess putting it like that wasn’t really starting at the beginning, was it? “In tears?”
“Yeah.”
I dropped my eyes to where Sophie’s fingers were playing with mine, her thumb rubbing over the back of my hand. It was the most innocent of gestures and yet it was bringing tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Thinking about that night, thinking about that day, thinking about what that day meant, it was threatening to stop me before I even started. I couldn’t have that.
I had to get it out tonight. I couldn’t not tell Sophie now. I couldn’t miss my chance. My chance to be someone new. To be with someone. I squeezed Sophie’s fingers and took a deep breath.
“It was the three year anniversary of my Mum's death.”
There I said it.
Sian:
They let us have an hour sat with Jay. Told us we had to let him get some rest, which in true Jay fashion, he'd laughed at and joked that he'd got plenty of rest when he'd been out cold all night. I'd giggled but Sophie hadn't found it that funny and said we shouldn't be laughing about it. I think she was feeling guilty still about the two of them fighting. She was very apologetic when we'd first gone into see him, rambling on about getting the wrong of the stick and putting two and two together and getting five, that kind of stuff. Jay and I had both just told her to shut up.
Which she did. Reluctantly. But she sat and listened as Jay explained that we'd just had a chat together in the pub over a few drinks, and nothing even remotely dodgy had happened. I'd agreed obviously, hopefully nodding in all the right places. Sophie tried to apologise again and take the blame for him being hospitalised only to be shut up by Jay slamming his hand over her mouth. Apparently he'd just got into a stupid fight with some big bulky aggressive guy over a disagreement about Jay flirting with his girlfriend. He wasn't angry, or upset, or drowning his sorrows. And he didn't think it was Sophie's fault. It was just, in his words, a case of choosing the wrong girl to charm.
Though, he did also point out that he thought said girl was well up for it. Even more so after he started taking the punches.
It was a little awkward sat with them both after my heart to heart with Jay yesterday. Especially since I've yet to fill Sophie in all that. And Jay was only making it worse, raising his eyebrows and dropping cheeky remarks every now and again. I'm fairly sure I'd spent the majority of the hour blushing with my head down and trying to avoid Sophie's curious looks. I didn't exactly want to go into the whole thing in front of Jay. No, I hope that me and Sophie can have some private time later. Just the two of us.
We need to have some private time.
We need to talk.
Leaving the hospital Sophie appeared a lot more relaxed than she had when I'd arrived first thing this morning. I'm guessing knowing that Jay was going to be alright, and probably let out later this evening had taken a huge load off. I like to think that me telling her I do in fact like her had helped the smile on her face. It had definitely helped the smile on my own face and taken a load off my own shoulders.
I like her. And now she knows I like her. She knows that I spent yesterday afternoon pouring my little heart out to Jay. And also thanks to Jay and his eyebrow wiggling and elbow nudging, she knows that I want to be with her. I don't think subtle is something Jay acquaints himself with.
Anyways so now we've been ushered out of Jay's room by the nice nurse from earlier, who insisted we should go get some sleep and chill out before they release him. And whilst I'm tired, and fairly sure that Sophie is beyond tired, probably somewhere in the exhausted category, I don't really want to sleep. I'd much rather talk. We hadn't really spoken on our way from his room back out onto the street and I really just want Sophie to suggest that we go somewhere to talk. Like really.
But she's kinda just staying quiet. And I can't seem to find the courage to ask her. Even though I'm ready to tell her all, to put everything on the line for her, I'm a little nervous about breaching the whole thing. It's been so long since I did the whole feelings sharing thing, apart from talking to Jay yesterday, and it still scares me a little.
In a good way I think.
Yeah totally in a good way.
It's called falling in love for a reason right? I mean falling's meant to be scary. It's about putting yourself out there right? About facing up to the fear and getting past all that. I think, or at least I hope I think, that if I fall then Sophie's going to be there to catch me.
She will catch me right?
You see this is why I'm worrying. Meeting Sophie has turned me from me old 'don't-give-a-shit-what-anyone-thinks-of-me-super-sure-of-myself-bolshie-attitude' self to this, worrying about every little last thing. Worrying about how she looks at me, fretting about what she's thinking, anxious about whether she feels the same way about me as I feel about her. A few months ago, if I wanted something, I'd fucking go out and get it without giving a damn about how I did, but now, now that Sophie's involved its different. This ain't about me getting what I want anymore, this is about Sophie wanting me.
I want her to want me. I need her to want me. I need her to need me. Because that's all I feel about her. I want her. I need her. Jesus, I want her all of the time. I haven't been able to get her off my mind recently. At all.
It's like she's properly, well and truly gotten under my skin, and right now, I couldn't care less that she's a girl, or that I think she might still be a little mad at me, or that I look a right state, or even that we're in public, I just wanna grab her hand and drag her back to her flat and tell her I'm falling in love with her.
But that would require a little bravery. A little guts. And that just happens to be something I'm lacking right now. So here I am waiting for something for Sophie. Anything. Just a sign that we can't work at this, that we can fix whatever damage I did when I acted like a class A twat on Saturday night and we'll be okay. I need this to be okay. I can't have ruined it all before I even had a chance to properly be with her. Can I?
I watched as Sophie exited through the sliding doors of the hospital and went out onto the street, me following shortly behind. Maybe I could just follow her as she walks back to hers, assuming that's where she's heading. She might not mind if I just go with her. She might even be expecting me to do so. She might be just waiting for me to get the balls to say something. I guess I should right. I mean it's me that fucked things right up the other night, I'm the one who's had difficulty with this whole thing, I'm the straight girl with the history and the walls and the fear and all that crap.
I should say something shouldn't I?
“Soph?” I started quietly, my voice coming out all strained as if the weight of what I knew I had to say was constricting my vocal chords. It probably was. She turned to me, not really stopping walking but not really going anywhere, if you get what I mean. She kinda just slowed to a virtual stop until I was stood beside her, my arms wrapped around myself and my eyes firmly on my feet. What? Just because I'd somehow mustered the courage to say something didn't mean I was brave enough to look at her whilst I was saying it. “Can we talk?”
“Talk?”
Okay so that wasn't exactly the response I was looking for, but then I suppose when she wanted us to talk I didn't exactly respond in the way she was probably hoping for. I'm not giving up. I can't. I'm going to tell her the truth if it kills me. “Yeah, about everything. About yesterday and Saturday night. About the past month. About us. About me. I need to talk to you about me.”
“Okay, we can talk,” she replied and I looked up finally to meet her eye. She was smiling. Thank God. I'll take that as she wants to talk too right? Or she at least wants to hear what I've got to say. “When?”
I pulled my phone from my pocket, ignoring the missed call I had from one of the girls on my course and checked the time. It was just gone one. Looks like I had missed my lectures, probably why she'd been trying to call me. But that meant I was free all afternoon at least. Perfect. Well as long as Sophie's available too. “Do you have anything on this afternoon?”
“I've already missed my lectures for the day so no,” she said, checking her own phone and then glancing down the street before looking back at me. “Are you hungry?”
Huh? Am I hungry? Talk about swerve ball. Why was she changing the subject? I don't get it. I thought she wanted to talk too. I was more expecting her to ask whether I wanted to come back to hers or something. Although, I guess I am pretty peckish. I nodded, well aware that I was probably furrowing my brows in confusion.
“Good. I'm fucking starving, I haven't really eaten at all in the past twenty four hours. Do you wanna grab a pizza or something and come back to mine? We can eat, and then you can talk to me about you yeah?”
“Yeah,” I grinned, actually quite pleased that Sophie had suggested we eat too. Maybe if I start trying to open up whilst we're eating it might be easier you know, less pressure, less scary. It did occur to me too however, that I've got no money on me. In fact all this time I've been wearing my swimsuit with a pair of joggers and Sophie's hoodie thrown over. Not exactly a good advert for a potential girlfriend am I? “Yeah cool. Do you mind if I get changed and grab some stuff from mine.”
“Yeah okay. We can go via your place if you want, on the way, wait, is it even on the way? I don't even know where you live.”
I bowed my head again. She was right. Everything we'd done over the past month had been at hers. She'd never even seen my house let alone been inside, been in my room, in my bed. I felt ashamed. It wasn't even like the girls had been there recently. I didn't even have a decent reason for it. “It's on the way,” I told her softly and nodded in the general direction.
“Lead on then gorgeous.”
..........
Sophie:
Sian led me away from the hospital and towards the house she shared with her friends. It felt like something had shifted between us, that something had changed. Ever since I'd heard her asking that nurse about Jay, since I'd realised she'd rushed all the way to the hospital stupidly early in the morning because I'd text her, it all felt different. Good different. Amazing different. And then to top it all off, she goes and admits to liking me. This wasn't just about mind-blowing sex, or having her wicked way with me, or an experiment, or a spot of fun; this was so much more than that.
She wants to talk. About everything. About yesterday and Saturday night. About the past month. About us. About her. This was it right? This was Sian breaking down the walls she's spent the past month hiding behind. This was Sian wanting to let me in. This was Sian opening up to me. Finally.
This was us.
I followed her wordlessly. Words could wait. I knew they were coming. I knew that Sian was going to talk, to tell me what was going on in her head, what had been going on in her head over the past couple weeks. She came to the hospital for me. She talked to Jay about her feelings for me. She didn't run when I was a bitch to her. She'd nodded when I asked her if she likes me. And I know I like her.
I'm falling in love with her.
Yesterday that terrified me. The thought hurt me. I thought I was falling in love with someone who only wanted me for a bit of fun, a quick shag and a good time. But now...
Now I think that maybe, just maybe, she's falling in love with me too. I think I saw it in her eyes when I accused her of sleeping with Jay. I think I saw it in the way she hugged her arms across her chest nervously and blushed when Jay mentioned them having a little heart to heart. I think I saw it her grin when I suggested we go back to mine for pizza and a talk. No matter how good she is at hiding behind her walls or plastering on fake smiles or shrugging off my questions about her life, there's no way that she can hide that twinkle or fake that blush or pretend to smile like that. No way.
And that makes my heart race and my blood pump and my stomach feel all fluttery. We're falling in love one another. Me and Sian. Sian and I. Sophie and Sian. It has a pretty good ring to it don't it? I'm aware that my smile is getting wider and wider the closer we get to Sian's, and hence the closer we get to talking, and maybe the closer we get to being a couple.
Sian looked at me over her shoulder as we headed down a road of terraced houses and caught me smiling to myself. I felt a little stupid for a second until I realised she was smiling too, just as wide, just as bright. She really is beautiful when she smiles like that. Well, if I’m honest I think she’s beautiful no matter what she does.
She’s just, beautiful.
I’m falling in love with her.
Falling in love with that bright, infectious smile. With those deep, intense blue eyes. And those strong arms and muscular legs and toned abs. Impossible not to really. Not when she looks the way she does, giggles the way she does, kisses the way she does. She’s just so... loveable.
“This is me,” she smiled again, leading me up a pathway to a green doored terraced house. She fumbled around with her key for a few seconds before finally opening the front door and then turning to me, smiling shyly. I almost aww-ed at her adorableness. She was nervous. She gestured inside and stepped past her and into the house, with her following behind. “Home sweet home hey? I'll just change out of my swimming stuff and that. Do you wanna come on up?”
“Swimming stuff? Did you go swimming this morning?” I asked, only really now realising what she'd been wearing all morning. And when exactly had she squeezed a session at the pool in? I'm sure she'd appeared at the hospital at like sixish.
She bowed her head again a little, looking up at me through her eye lashes, still with the shy smile, “er, I was meant to but I kinda skipped it to come to the hospital. When I saw your text I just, erm, I had to come find you, make sure you were alright.”
Okay she's adorable. Really, really adorable. And loveable. There's no way I'm not gunna kiss her right now. Even if we have still got an absolute mountain of stuff to sort out. I stepped closer to Sian, her smile broadening slightly as she realised what I was about to do, what I wanted to do. Her eyes dropped to my lips briefly before meeting mine, that smile of hers finally causing her eyes to twinkle a little.
“Oh fuck a duck.”
A strange voice cursed from somewhere within the house and Sian jumped back from me quickly. Like really quickly. And pretty far back too. I didn't have time to question anything before a tall brunette girl appeared at the top of the stairs, juggling a pile of folders and books as she wrestled them into her shoulder bag. I assuming she must be one of Sian's housemates and the owner of the stressed voice.
“Hey I didn't know you were gunna be in,” Sian practically squeaked, retreating back even further and addressing her housemate. Must be Kat or Abi right? I met Hannah at the party last month and I'm sure there's only three of them. “Don't you normally have lectures all day on a Monday?”
“Oh yeah I do, just had to rush back in for my bloody coursework. Only went and forgot it this morning didn't I?” The mystery housemate laughed as she jammed some more papers into her bag. “God knows how you got up so early this morning babe. I've been proper dragging all day. Gotta go back in now as well ‘til like six probably.”
“Ah right.”
“Oh did Hannah fill you in about what happened with Tom and his mates last night?” The brunette asked and Sian shook her head, crossing her arms over her chest. Her cheeks were beginning to go a little pink. She must be really starting to freak out a little at the situation we've found ourselves in. Although, I've got to admit, I wouldn't have moved in to kiss her if I knew there was going to be someone in the house. The thought didn't really occur to me. “Abi says his mate Jay, that one you said you knew, is still in hospital? He's not the one you were sleeping with is he?”
I couldn't help but let out an amused breath, and Sian and who, by process of elimination, must be Kat, both turned to face me. Kat only just seeming to register that I was even there. “Er, hi.”
“Hi,” I replied brightly, smiling widely. I caught Sian's eye for a second before she looked away quickly. She looked about ready for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. I suppose this isn't the easiest of situations for her. Almost getting caught kissing the girl you've been secretly sleeping with on an extremely regular basis for the past month by your best mate who is under the belief that you are, without a doubt, one hundred percent straight. I'm sure her head's probably going at million miles an hour right now. Her cheeks pinkened a little more visibly and I had to fight the urge to pull her in to a hug right there. That probably wouldn't be the best idea.
“Erm,” Sian muttered, gesturing between myself and her friend. “Sophie this is Kat. Kat this is Sophie. She's...erm...”
“I've just started swimming,” I finished for her, smiling widely again. This time Sian caught my eye over Kat's shoulder, a small appreciative smile gracing her lips for a moment. “Sian's helping me sort some stuff out.”
“Ah cool,” Kat replied in a genuinely friendly manner. It was easy to see why Sian considered Kat her best friend, why she'd told me that Kat was the one she went to when she needed someone to talk to or cheer her up or whatever. She just seems just easy to get on with. Even in the past three minutes or so, I can see that she's one of those type of girls who would do anything for their best friends, who would always be there. It definitely explains why Sian's said she's her closest friend. Kat checked her watch and cursed under breath as she moved towards the front door. “It was nice to meet you but I've really gotta rush. If I don't hand this work in before four I'm screwed. See you later.”
Sian and I both called bye as Kat disappeared out of the house and shut the door behind her. Sian quite literally breathed a sigh of relief and ran her hands through her hair before turning to me, “thank you for that. I just...”
“It's fine babe, you don't need to explain. Now come on, I'm bloody starving.”
.........
Sian:
By the time we got back to Sophie and Jay's flat, I was bloody starving too. I didn't even care that I was having take-out pizza for the second time in less than twenty four hours, I just needed to eat. Sophie had asked if I minded what we ordered, and when I'd suggested BBQ chicken she practically beamed at me, telling me that was the perfect choice. Is it sad that the fact we have the same choice in pizza topping makes me really happy?
Oh I don't even care if it is sad, it makes me smile.
And kind of picture us spending more time sharing pizza together and being all coupley. And that's kind of cool. Thinking about me and Sophie being all coupley. It makes me more than just smile. It makes my heart swell and those butterflies in my stomach flap harder and faster than ever. Only now, I don't really mind the butterflies. In fact I think I might welcome them from now on. The fact that Sophie gives me butterflies should be a pretty big deal right? I know I'm not big on the whole romance and relationships thing, but if someone gives you butterflies, massive flapping butterflies, then that means they're pretty special right?
Sophie's definitely pretty special.
Amazingly special.
I wanted to jump on her earlier when she covered for us with Kat. Quickly coming up with that little white lie about who she was and why she was there. No questions, nothing, she just did it. For me. And I'm sure lying about what we are, who she is, ain't ideal for her, but she's doing it for me. And that makes my heart swell just a little bit more and drives those butterflies a little more hyperactive.
Because if she did it for me, and I'm fairly sure she did, that means she must really like me back. A lot right? Enough to want to cover for me, and look after me anyway. Could it actually be possible that Sophie could be falling in love with me too? I mean how do you even tell if someone's falling for you? Can you tell? It's at moments like this when I wish I'd paid more attention during girly chats about boys and feelings and that, rather than just zoned out.
Or that I had my Mum here to talk to.
But...
Can't dwell on things like that. Not today. Not when I'm actually feeling good about myself, and about what could happen with Sophie. I can't let myself get caught up and choked. Not now. Not when I'm ready to talk, to let her in. I'm ready to be with her. Properly.
I'd like to think that’s she's falling in love with me too. It had been her who had first brought up the whole 'what are we' thing, and she had said she'd wanted more than just sex. That has to be good right? Like, it has to mean that she's got some kind of feelings for me, the kind of feelings that make you want to be somebody. And she always seemed to be happy and bright and smiley and all that every time I came around over the past couple of weeks, like she was always super pleased to see me. That has to be good too. I always get happy and bright and smiley when I see her, or even when I see I've got a text from her, and I know I've got feelings for her. Strong feelings. Stronger feelings than I've ever had for anyone else. Ever.
I relaxed back against the cushions of the sofa, tucking my legs up underneath me and aimlessly flicked through the television channels. I wasn't really concentrating on what was on, more the tirade of stuff racing through my mind instead. Mentally psyching myself up for bearing all to Sophie. Preparing myself for what I knew was going to be the most full-on situation I've put myself in for a while. That was the issue when it came to being closed off and distant; when it was time to let someone else in it was seriously difficult.
And knowing that I'm putting my heart on the line at the same time definitely isn't making it any easier. At all. Even though I feel I can trust Sophie. I think I could probably trust her with my life, it still doesn't mean this is going to be any less painful, any less hard. Stirring up the past always is. I remember when I finally opened up to Kat. We'd been living in rooms next door to each other for nearly three months and the first Christmas break was quickly approaching. She'd quickly become my closest friend since I'd arrived at university, probably the closest friend I'd had in a while, and along with Hannah and Abi we'd become a little unit. Hanging out every night, going out and getting trashed and having a laugh. We all worked. But then Christmas was on its way, and they all started getting excited about seeing their families again and going home, whereas I was facing the prospect of another Christmas and birthday alone.
Kat had caught me unawares one night in the last week of term, barging into my room singing Christmas songs and welding a bottle of Bailey's or something festive with the aim of persuading me to help her persuade the others to go out. Unfortunately she'd caught me face down crying into my pillow.
I cried a lot that night.
And then drunk an awful lot of Bailey's only to wake up the next morning with Kat spooning me from behind, both of us suffering from sore heads. She's been massively supportive ever since, offering me a place to stay at her parent's over the holidays, or filling the other two in on what had happened, making sure I didn't have to be reminded of days like Mum's birthday or Mother's Day or anything like that.
I'd come to Manchester for a new life, the offer of a swimming scholarship and a new city where no-one knew me as that poor girl who's Mum was killed was too good to refuse; but I think telling Kat the truth had been one of the best things I've ever done. And now it's time to tell someone else too.
Sophie had jumped in the shower quickly before the pizza came. I hadn't minded. She had spend the night in an hospital waiting room after all. She deserved a nice hot shower. And she definitely hasn't had the best twenty four hours of her life, what with me abandoning her in bed again, and then thinking that I'd been seeing Jay or whatever, and then the police turning up and taking her to the hospital and all that. And now it's my job to make sure that the next twenty four hours are a lot better for her. Hopefully a lot, lot, lot better.
I want to make sure all her twenty four hours from now on are a lot better.
Starting with the two of us, sharing pizza and cuddling up on the sofa for a bit, and me telling her who I am and that I want her. Hopefully I can manage to get it all out with minimal tears and getting tongue tied. I think talking with Jay yesterday has helped; made me feel less anxious and more confident about how I feel about Sophie. But that won't have stopped me being me. Won't have cured my inability to look someone in the eye as I talk or stopped my tendency to stutter and stumble over broken, choked up words. I've always struggled when it comes to talking about the real stuff, feelings and deepest secrets, even before Mum died. And ever since, I've just got worse. Retreated into my own head, refused downright to admit what's going on in my head and my heart. I've strayed from anything like that, scared of the consequences.
Scared of being hurt. Scared of being turned away. Scared of putting myself out there only to be torn down and hit rock bottom again. Scared of letting myself lose everything again. Scared of being alone again.
But now I can stray, or run, or hide. I need to face up to who I am. I need to tell Sophie who I am. If I want something more to happen with her, and I really, really do, then I'm gunna have to face up to all that. I'm going to have to struggle, and stutter and stumble over my words. I'm going to have to fight back the lump that will no doubt rise in my throat the second I even begin to think about what happened. I'm going to have to get past the tears that will fall and the fake smiles I've been hiding behind. No more fears and insecurities. No more keeping myself to myself. No more being on my own. Not anymore.
Not now I have Sophie. Now I'm falling in love. Now I think someone is falling in love with me.
My life is about to change.
Again.
Only this time, I'm welcoming the change. I want it. This isn't change that is being forced on me in some horrific circumstances like last time. This isn't about me losing everything I've ever known. This is about me taking some control of my life. Finally. After three long years I am finally going to stop just, surviving. I'm finally letting myself feel something other than pain or regret or grief or guilt. Something other than that which can be eased by a bottle of vodka and a nameless guy.
I heard the shower cut out from the bathroom, and then the sound of Sophie moving about the bathroom. This is it. This is the moment my life stops being about escaping the reality I've found myself in, and the moment it starts being about actually living. I can't escape anymore. It was me who made the first move on Sophie all those weeks ago after all. I'd started it all. Whatever it was that had being running around my head in that moment that made me close the gap and kiss her had ended up changing my life. It had all given me a new life.
The bathroom door eased open, letting out a little steam from within before Sophie emerged, wearing quite possibly the shortest robe I'd ever seen. The turquoise towelling material only just covered her ass and was very loosely tied at the front, revealing a hell a lot of skin. Tanned, glistening, smooth skin. Fuck. She's gorgeous.
I swallowed hard, suddenly aware that I was probably staring a little, “feel better now?”
She'd smiled coyly as she ran her fingers through the wet hair hanging around her face, as if she knew exactly where my head was running off to right now. This is the girl I’m falling in love with. Pretty fucking awesome right?
“Definitely. Not so urgh anymore,” she grinned, her eyes sparkling brightly. Not that I noticed much, my eyes were still being drawn to other parts of her body. “Still bloody starving though.”
“Yeah, right,” I mumbled.
“Eyes up Powers,” she giggled as she sat down beside me, slapping my thigh gently. Guess she did know exactly where my mind had wandered off to. Didn’t seem too bothered though. And why would she? She likes me, I like her, nowt wrong with a bit of perving on the girl you like right? She’s probably wearing that short ass robe on purpose. She caught my eye, still grinning knowingly, and slid her hand over my thigh softly. “So, you wanted to talk? About everything? And you and us and all that?”
I swallowed again, just as hard. Here I go. Time for the walls to fall and the fake smiles to be put away. Time to bear all. Time for truth.
“I don’t really know where to start,” I admitted shyly.
“Start at the beginning,” she replied gently, her hand moving over my thigh to where mine was resting in my lap and linking our fingers too. “The beginning’s always a good place to start I think.”
And that there is why I’m falling in love with her. Being understanding after all that I’ve put her through recently. She doesn’t even know what I’m about to tell her, probably couldn’t even guess at it if she tried, and yet she’s still being patient, and sweet, and just, well, just Sophie. I squeezed her fingers a little in mine and nodded.
The beginning.
“You know that night last week, when I turned up here?” I asked meeting her eye and watching as she knitted her brows slightly in confusion. I guess putting it like that wasn’t really starting at the beginning, was it? “In tears?”
“Yeah.”
I dropped my eyes to where Sophie’s fingers were playing with mine, her thumb rubbing over the back of my hand. It was the most innocent of gestures and yet it was bringing tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. Thinking about that night, thinking about that day, thinking about what that day meant, it was threatening to stop me before I even started. I couldn’t have that.
I had to get it out tonight. I couldn’t not tell Sophie now. I couldn’t miss my chance. My chance to be someone new. To be with someone. I squeezed Sophie’s fingers and took a deep breath.
“It was the three year anniversary of my Mum's death.”
There I said it.