Some Open Letters
Dear store owners everywhere,
If you have double doors, why would you keep one locked? Do you enjoy watching people look foolish or do you just not care?
Dear Les Miles,
I don't care if you lose every other game this season, just beat those fuckers at Alabama.
Dear Dave and Rachel,
I wish I would have known that toasts were open. I would have prepared mine better. But I didn't break my first rule: keep it short.
Dear Bob and Erika,
I gotta see that kid. I've got a dirty trick up my sleeve. I won't bother you about it for about a year after that.
Dear Teresa,
Your ears are now the most appealing part of you.
Dear Republicans,
The worst part about you is that you're no longer Republicans.
Dear Democrats,
Try... just try not to take advantage of the situation.
Dear improv,
See you in a couple of weeks. This time apart will be good for us. I promise. And don't worry, I'll be faithful.
Dear Texans,
What the fuck is wrong with you that you walk down the center of the aisle in parking lots... even when you see bright-ass lights in front of you at night that weren't there before?
Dear Comedy,
I'm sorry what I'm doing to you with WWN, but it's a means to an end. I'll make it up to you.
Dear Rachel Maddow,
Even though we're on the same team right now, I think you're Keith's smug, annoying little sister and I hope you get the shits on election night.
Dear Keith Olbermann,
You're in the right. There's no need to be such a dickhead about it. I still like you because you're funny. Does your little sister always have to tag along.
Dear CNN,
Even though you're the most fair of the big three 24-hour news networks, you're horribly boring.
Dear Alabama,
I like it when you don't suck, but I hate it when you're doing this well. I hope you get the shits on election night.
Dear Ritalin,
Thanks for the ups. Damn you for the downs.
Dear New Orleans,
I'm coming home, Mama. I'm coming home. I've missed you terribly. I can't wait to show you off.
Dear ColdTowne,
Don't get jealous. I live with you. You get the last dance.
Dear Jimmy Buffet,
Hey dude! I almost forgot about you.
With love and respect,
Justin
If you have double doors, why would you keep one locked? Do you enjoy watching people look foolish or do you just not care?
Dear Les Miles,
I don't care if you lose every other game this season, just beat those fuckers at Alabama.
Dear Dave and Rachel,
I wish I would have known that toasts were open. I would have prepared mine better. But I didn't break my first rule: keep it short.
Dear Bob and Erika,
I gotta see that kid. I've got a dirty trick up my sleeve. I won't bother you about it for about a year after that.
Dear Teresa,
Your ears are now the most appealing part of you.
Dear Republicans,
The worst part about you is that you're no longer Republicans.
Dear Democrats,
Try... just try not to take advantage of the situation.
Dear improv,
See you in a couple of weeks. This time apart will be good for us. I promise. And don't worry, I'll be faithful.
Dear Texans,
What the fuck is wrong with you that you walk down the center of the aisle in parking lots... even when you see bright-ass lights in front of you at night that weren't there before?
Dear Comedy,
I'm sorry what I'm doing to you with WWN, but it's a means to an end. I'll make it up to you.
Dear Rachel Maddow,
Even though we're on the same team right now, I think you're Keith's smug, annoying little sister and I hope you get the shits on election night.
Dear Keith Olbermann,
You're in the right. There's no need to be such a dickhead about it. I still like you because you're funny. Does your little sister always have to tag along.
Dear CNN,
Even though you're the most fair of the big three 24-hour news networks, you're horribly boring.
Dear Alabama,
I like it when you don't suck, but I hate it when you're doing this well. I hope you get the shits on election night.
Dear Ritalin,
Thanks for the ups. Damn you for the downs.
Dear New Orleans,
I'm coming home, Mama. I'm coming home. I've missed you terribly. I can't wait to show you off.
Dear ColdTowne,
Don't get jealous. I live with you. You get the last dance.
Dear Jimmy Buffet,
Hey dude! I almost forgot about you.
With love and respect,
Justin