today sucked a$$

Jul 24, 2008 14:09

 
Ever since Saturday morning, my world has been turned upside down.  Today was the first day back at work this week after taking some of my use-it-or-lose it "vacation".  Some vacation.  My boss was nice enough to count yesterday as a vacation day, too.  So in two weeks, instead of having a four-day weekend, I have a three-day weekend.

But today was horrible.  Everything felt wrong.  Going to work and doing the same thing I do every day felt so weird.  And listening to the radio didn't help.  All these songs about falling in love or breaking up.  I swear I started crying like 12 times today.  I had to go out to Becca's car (she's letting me use it since mine is broken) on three seperate occassions because I didn't want any customers to see me, and I couldn't quiet my sobbing.

I just couldn't understand why only one thing in my life seemed normal when the whole rest of my world is being ripped apart.  The man I want to spend the rest of my life with doesn't want me.  My home is no longer mine.  I have to pick up and move.  I have to start all over again.  Nothing feels real or familiar.

I've decided the next time I fall in love, we aren't moving in together until we're married.  I'm tired of this, and I don't think I can pick up the pieces again.  Even if I could afford to stay in this apartment, I couldn't because of all the memories of him.

And I wish I could hate him, but I can't.  He's never said or done anything mean.  He just didn't make me important in his life.  He put others first.  But he did lie to me.  When he asked me out, he asked me to promise we wouldn't be like his ex-roommate Stacie and the guy she wanted Solomon.  They were always fighting because they wouldn't talk through their problems.  He made me promise we would.  That we wouldn't fight.  That we would work our problems out.  He broke that promise.

I talked to him last night and asked if he would still be willing to reevaluate our relationship after a little time, and he said he doesn't want to get my hopes up, and he doesn't want to put a time limit on it like a month or whatnot.  I've never wanted to take an ex back before now.  I never would have considered it.

I just don't understand why I lost so much that was important to me.  I didn't do anything wrong.  I told my boyfriend how I felt.  Like he's asked me so many times to do.  But he didn't do the same.  Now I'm the one paying for it.

I know to get over a loss you have to go through the stages, but I really hope this passes quickly.  The only other time it hurt this much was when my Mom passed away.  And I keep having these unhealthy thoughts.  No, I'm not suicidal.  But I've caught myself hoping one of us gets into an accident.  Enough to scare him into realizing how much he loves me.  Dear Lady, please give me strength.  I can't take much more of this.
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