Life for the moment.
What do you do when you feel life is crashing around you? That you feel like you are just here and not worth it? How do you pick yourself back up? When are people telling you the truth and when are they telling you what you want to hear? I tired. I am not in control. God is. I don't know what to do or how to do it.
I thought God's calling for me was to teach. I now question that. I don't feel like I can do that alone. My practicum was a nightmare. Ending up with a wonderful person for a teacher she was her first real class room and her second year teaching. SHe also had two other students one in a practicum and one that was there for volunteer/practice hours. I was under the impression that we didn't need to be there more then two days a week. I went to days skipping choir on Fridays, and running out early on Mondays to catch Dean's class. This apparently was the wrong thing to do. I guess I was contracted for the contracted hours. So I should have just skipped Deans class altogether and failed. I should just Skipped Kurt's Music for Teachers too.
I feel as though in college I can't win. I was told to be more adventurous and take a leadership role. I did apply but was told my services were not needed. I tried to run for hall senator but the person I would have run against already had all the votes so I dropped out.
I can't compete with everyone here. I am by nature someone that will step back and let others shine. I want to help people. Fix the mistakes for others, but it's leaving me broken inside. Even in choir. The only reason I am here besides paying so much to be here that i shouldn't quit, I feel out of place. I can[t fit in here. I am not good enough. I undertook PCW minor when I wanted music because I felt it was God's call. Here I thought I might fit in. I don't.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head when I don't fit in. I miss my past roommates. I miss feeling accepted for me. I know that I am not the best at school my grades proves this. Professors have told me this. Not just in words but their actions. Work is the same too. I should be going to work right now. I will in a moment.
Anyway this is some of what i have been feeling. I'm sure not many will even read this. But its okay. God did, before I wrote it.
I thought God's calling for me was to teach. I now question that. I don't feel like I can do that alone. My practicum was a nightmare. Ending up with a wonderful person for a teacher she was her first real class room and her second year teaching. SHe also had two other students one in a practicum and one that was there for volunteer/practice hours. I was under the impression that we didn't need to be there more then two days a week. I went to days skipping choir on Fridays, and running out early on Mondays to catch Dean's class. This apparently was the wrong thing to do. I guess I was contracted for the contracted hours. So I should have just skipped Deans class altogether and failed. I should just Skipped Kurt's Music for Teachers too.
I feel as though in college I can't win. I was told to be more adventurous and take a leadership role. I did apply but was told my services were not needed. I tried to run for hall senator but the person I would have run against already had all the votes so I dropped out.
I can't compete with everyone here. I am by nature someone that will step back and let others shine. I want to help people. Fix the mistakes for others, but it's leaving me broken inside. Even in choir. The only reason I am here besides paying so much to be here that i shouldn't quit, I feel out of place. I can[t fit in here. I am not good enough. I undertook PCW minor when I wanted music because I felt it was God's call. Here I thought I might fit in. I don't.
Sometimes I wonder if it is all in my head when I don't fit in. I miss my past roommates. I miss feeling accepted for me. I know that I am not the best at school my grades proves this. Professors have told me this. Not just in words but their actions. Work is the same too. I should be going to work right now. I will in a moment.
Anyway this is some of what i have been feeling. I'm sure not many will even read this. But its okay. God did, before I wrote it.