Teach Me How to Dance 7/11
warning: this chapters basically all angst >O<
I'm tired.
When I wake up in the morning I don't think 'I hope today is a good day', because no day is a good day. There's nothing different about today then yesterday and tomorrow will be the same as today. Every day consists of the same thing: waking up, eating, sleeping, socializing, working, learning, teaching, feeling older, sadness, happiness, jealousy. . . Humans are all the same.
I lay in my bed, my eyes shifted on the ceiling. I'm not sure how long I stare at the ceiling, an hour? Two? The sun starts to rise and I finally get up and get dressed. I eat breakfast and go to school. I ride the same bus every day and talk to the same people every day and I learn the same subjects in school as everyone else. I'm not special. Nobody is truly special. People get lucky when they have a talent and it's not true that you're born able to do something. You have to practice drawing or writing, you can't put your fingers on the piano and play an entire song perfectly. You can't hit every note when singing a song without practicing.The only people that are special are super heroes and I stopped believing in them a long time ago.
When I was eight years old my little brother died in a car accident. I could have tried to save him. I could have ran out and pushed him out of the way or jumped in front of him but we all know that only happens on TV. That day, I stopped believing in miracles.
When I was ten, I met Kibum. Still shocked, it being only a year after my brother's death, I was a quiet child. I had friends but they were people who spoke to me and I listened abut it was all an act. I perfected my mask of coolness and it had no flaws. It was a rainy day and I was sitting at the window alone while the rest of the class played games when he came up to me. He was an enigmatic boy with cat like eyes and a shady appearance. When Kibum appeared before me, I didn't even hear him approach, I could see his dark reflection in the window. He looked like the rain, the darkness, the moon, and stars all mixed together. When I turned around, he simply stared in to my eyes and I knew he was polite. I could see my reflection in his glossy black eyes and I couldn't understand how someone this beautiful could walk up to someone like me. I was a corpse.
We stayed silent until Kibum put a dusty book out to me.
"Read it to me."
And I did. Our friendship was strange, we never had the formal "hi, what's your name?" The book Kibum wanted me to read to him was about a dark prince who owned a black horse. The horse was given to him when he was a baby and when the prince died, the horse died. They both became ghosts together and roamed the Night every full moon.
It was my favorite book.
After graduating elementary school, we didn't stay in contact or even say goodbye. We packed up our stuff and left without a word. On the first day of middle school I sat down, laughing with a few 'friends' from elementary school. What I feared most was loneliness so I tried to keep up with what they liked and their hobbies so I didn't lose them. II put the mask on, not letting anything slip in front of them. I noticed a pale boy with inky hair in the corner and after class I moved toward his desk. Kibum grabbed a few notebooks and looked up at me.
"Hey, do you have another pencil? Mine broke."
He gave me a pencil and we parted ways. The next day, our teacher paired us up together for a project and neither of us minded. He didn't ask me how my summer was and I didn't ask him how life was. We were just there, doing what was required. The bell rang and we left.
Another few years passed and I walked in to Art class with a fake grin. At this point I was pretty popular, the whole school liked me and I even dated a few girls. I noticed Kibum sleeping at a table with an empty chair to his right. I casually sat in the vacant seat, sliding my bag beneath the table. My friends sat behind me, talking about their weekend but I lost interest. My eyes were glued to Kibum.
"If you're gonna sleep in class, don't be the obvious type."
He didn't respond at first but then his arm rose and he gave me a thumbs up. I actually smiled. When class was over Kibum watched me quietly and I knew he recognized me even with my new haircut. He didn't say anything about it, he didn't even ask for the notes he missed, he asked me if I wanted to try some Japanese gum his grandpa bought for him.
It tasted like mango and vanilla.
One day one of my friends asked me if I knew Kibum. He told me to watch out because Kibum knew dark magic and could give you a cold by just staring in to your eyes. They said he could enchant men and women alike. I didn't respond to them. You think it's because I care what they think about me right? You would be wrong. I didn't need to explain Kibum to them, I didn't need to tell them that he wasn't some dark wizard because they wouldn't understand.
Shortly after, I started sitting with Kibum at lunch. I told him what people thought of him and for the first time I saw him laugh. It wasn't just that he found it amusing what surprised me the most was what he said after that.
I wish I could do all that.
We started to hang out together, go to the library and study or just get a cup of hot chocolate before school started. It was always comfortable being with him since he possessed a calming aura and timid nature. We mused over little things, not school or what we're going to do when we grow up, nothing important. As time went by we talked more and began to look like real friends. We started doing projects together and joining clubs together. I knew Kibum's mom and that his dad wasn't around anymore. It was alright because he knew about my little brother.
Before I realized it Kibum was the closest person to me, I was really myself with him. Around Kibum, I smiled without trying. I never felt normal, I never felt like I wasn't special when I was with him because I knew I was. We didn't have to say it but Kibum needed me and I needed him. At first, I felt bad for him because he was always alone. People were intimidated by him even though he didn't do anything to them. When I mentioned it he said he didn't need to make friends with anyone that didn't understand him and he didn't want to change who he was for others.
I'm jealous of you Onew, you always look so happy. You always have someone to talk to when you feel down.
But he was wrong. I was the one who was jealous. Kibum was beautiful and kind. He wasn't fake like me, he didn't hide himself from the world. Kibum smiled at me and it was through that smile and from those eyes that I could see a sparkle. He was always laughing inside.
My heart felt like it was falling apart because it dawned on me what the reality of our lives were. Unlike me, Kibum was happy.
"Can you hand me that cup, Onew?"
My thoughts are broken by that bell like voice. Kibum cocks his head to the side and my heart aches a bit. He doesn't realize what he means to me.
"Can you ask nicely?" I tease and he pouts. "Fiiiine, only because you're too cute."
"Oh whatever!" he grins and I give him the cup. Our fingertips brush and another pain hits my chest. He thanks me and leaves. I guess it's because he's so unpredictable and so pure. I guess it's because he didn't just come up to me and ask me to be friends with him when we were kids. I guess it's because to everyone else he's sad and alone, but in reality they're more alone than them. Kibum is the only thing that saves me from my loneliness.
I guess that's why I love him.
--
I stuff my hands in to my coat, clenching my fists over and over in anger. What did Minho have to say to me? I'm sorry for hurting you? I'm sorry for doing all of those horrible things to you? I'm sorry for everything, Taemin? Yeah, I'm sure that's what it is.
"Can you hurry up? Jonghyun and Amber are waiting," I say and he runs a hand through his hair.
"Jeez, is your time that valuable? Maybe you should get friends that aren't so clingy."
"As if you don't piss me off enough, Minho! Don't talk about my friends like that. You're such a jerk, can you just leave me alone already?" I kick a little bit of snow, unable to look him in the eyes.
"Fine, I'll make it quick. I'm not in love with you."
My leg stops.
"Whatever you think we have is nothing. I like to be with pretty girls not guys. You're beautiful but I only fuck you for fun. I hope you didn't get the wrong idea, Taemin," his voice sounds sincere at the end and I can't feel my fingers. They're shaking in my coat, tears start to form in my eyes but I've had it. I'm so tired of Minho stringing me along and now that he's made it perfectly clear he has no feelings for me then I can let go of him. I'm finally free of loving him. Before I can stop myself, I punch Minho as hard as I can in the cheek and he stumbles back. Damn that felt good.
I turn away, careful not to let him see that I'm crying silently. Why am I crying? I'm happy, right? Am I sad? I can't tell how I feel anymore.
"I don't care, I really don't. It was-" I can feel myself choking up and I quickly take a deep breath and continue, "all a game anyways. I'm not stupid, Minho. Don't take me for one of your little princesses. I already knew what I meant to you so don't even worry about it. I just have one favor. . . Never speak to me again."
I run away before he can recover. The cold really hits my face while I'm running. The wind is terribly icy against my soaked cheeks. When I get to the cabin, I take a warm shower and put my pajamas on.
I text Jonghyun and apologize for not meeting them at the candy store and then I close my eyes. I've never felt so comfortable in a bed in my entire life.
a/n: augh so much angst XDDDD
I hope it wasn't too horrible~ I wanted to do something with Onew so there it is! This 2min story just keeps getting worse (how am I going to patch them up? XD) I also realize that my summary doesn't have much to do with the actual story so in the next few chapters I'll change some things up!
Next chapter is strictly JongKey ^O^
comments make me a happy panda! <3
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