Snow Perfume
.:::::Snow Perfume:::::.
The cool air flushes across my cheeks, numbing the pain little by little. They say it's better to feel pain then nothing at all and at times like this I agree but when someone you love hurts you over and over, it's different. Standing here, watching the snow fall over the dark city, alone, I feel nothing. And I'm happy.
For a moment at least.
But then I remember what it's like to be in love with you and I want to feel pain again. Because if being in pain means I can still be in love with you then I'm fine with it. Does that make me a masochist?
Small flakes were starting to collect in my hair but it doesn't bother me really. I glance up at the star filled sky. The twinkling lights contrast against the dark water below me. It was like our love. There are sparks of happiness but in reality it is all dark and never ending. And this bridge seems even more static with the railing covered in light frost. I place my hands on the cold steel and smile at the feeling running through my fingertips. I've always liked the cold.
My smile fades when I remember the first time she called. She asked for you, almost moaning your name which caused me to drop the phone. And it wasn't just her that's called, many of your toys have called for you but I don't say anything. I don't want you to know what it does to me.
So I sit by and watch your little performance with my mouth sewn shut. You don't think I notice the scent of perfume on your skin? How hesitant your kisses are? The fear in your eyes of being caught? I might be a fool in love but I'm certainly not another one of your toys. They believe your honey coated words and fall for your princely charm. I may have fallen for you but I know you don't love me. I won't tell myself that you're faithful the way they do.
"You're such a bastard, Jonghyun," I whisper in to the soft wind. The snow continues to fall in to my hair, sticking to my clothes and grazing my cheeks. It suddenly doesn't feel as nice as it did a moment ago.
It was the perfume that always got me. Strawberry, Vanilla, Mango, they all disgust me. The scent was suffocating but I pretend not to notice it.
"Key!"
Your beautiful voice echoes through the silence and my heart stops for a split second. It begins to pump again when I realized I was hallucinating. I laugh. Now I'm hearing your voice? When is this going to end?
My eyes drift to the left and it seems like the world is still. There you are, far from being an illusion, running through the snow. You look even more stunning in the moonlight. I frown when you decide to stop a few meters away.
"Kibum," you pant, brushing snow off of your jeans. Something cracks inside of me when I see the anxiousness in your eyes. You were with another girl earlier weren't you?
"You idiot," I growl, holding my tears back, "you forgot your coat." And still, I put you before myself.
Your eyes go wide, boring in to mine like fire against the icy world around us. I turn away, watching ripples form in the clear water below. How nice it must be to live as a fish. You don't worry about falling in love. Maybe I can't take as much pain as I thought.
"I guess I'm called almighty for nothing," I smiled sadly. I'm not sure if you hear me because you don't say anything. The melody of your phone pierces the air and it's strange that you hesitate before taking it out. I close my eyes, wishing I could disappear because I just know it's the girl you were with earlier tonight.
I waited and waited but nothing. Then the sound of something hitting the water causes me to open my eyes. There was the phone. It bobbed up and flowed under the bridge to never return.
"Jonghyun why did you-" I start, turning around. You're sitting on the rail, your fingers clutching tightly to it. I blink. You are beautiufl, so beautiful. And even though you kill me inside daily, you make me feel so happy that I can't hate you. I can never hate you, you know. Something tingles in my stomach.
"Hey, you might fall, get down from there."
Your eyes fall on me, they are pure and bright like the snow. You smile and stand up slowly, keeping your balance. My heart pounds in my ears. I have always been motherly but when it comes to you I am even worse. I feel my heart jump out of my throat. "Jonghyun!" I growl.
"What do you think you're doing?!"
You still don't say anything as you change your footing so that you are facing the lake now. It seems to be a thousand feet below the bridge. I watch the smoke from the cool air leave your mouth as you breathe out. Are you trying to jump?
"Did you hear me?" I choke, too afraid to move. You remain speechless, moving slightly closer to the edge.
"Jonghyun, please," I plead but it doesn't seem to affect you.
The breeze kisses your soft hair and you take another step closer. "Do you like watching me suffer?" I ask. My voice trembles.
And then you don't move so I take the chance to get closer. I reach out to grab you but surprisingly your hand grasps my wrist. I freeze at the warm touch. And suddenly you're not on the railing anymore. My back hits it from the movement.
My hands are behind me, atop the frosty metal but they are not cold because yours enlace with them.
"Thank you," you whisper in to my ear. I can't speak and I can't seem to think straight either. This is what you do to me. Is it fun to you?
"But why? Why do you care about me so much? I'm horrible."
I want to scream at you for saying that but my mouth won't move. "I don't want them," you say softly, "Any of them. I don't want them anymore, Key. They mean nothing to me and they never have."
It takes a long time for my mind to catch up to what you're saying to me. "Nothing," you repeat.
"Because it's always you. I've never let my heart fall in to another person's hands because I've been hurt so many times. I'm afraid of being hurt again. I told myself over and over you were nothing, just another plaything. Just like those stupid girls."
My tears threaten to fall but the frigid air kept them from forming. "But it never works. Every time I try to get pleasure out of them and get you out of my head it fails. Every single time. So I give up."
Your breath touches my neck and my lungs don't seem to have the ability to function. "I want you. And only you. Please, take my heart and do whatever you want with it. Throw it away, squeeze it until it bursts, hurt me. Please, hurt me the way I hurt you."
Your voice sounds so sincere and tears finally fight the cold and fall. Something hits my neck and any trace of anger left within me disappears because you're crying too. I have never seen you cry.
"I love you," you say like a timid child and your hands are almost shaking as they hold on to mine gently.
You have never said that to me before.
"I love you, Kibum."
I can't take it anymore, I pull you even closer, wrapping my arms around your neck. I want to protect you from the cold and all the evil in the world.
"I love you more," I murmur in to your hair. And I notice something as you snuggle in to my neck, your arms around my waist.
For once, you don't smell like perfume.
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I'm so weird, why do I always end up writing like this O___O
I was just feeling the need to write today for some reason.... Comments make me happy ;__; <3