Seeds of alcoholism
Last night was excellent. I had a great time. The people were amazing, the singing was fun, my mom had a great time... all was right with the world.
However.
I drank too much, especially given that I had eaten nothing all day. Looking back, I -think- I managed to avoid making a complete ass of myself in front of everyone, but there were plenty of signs that it is time for me to stop, not the least of which was venting at Jess over the phone. I don't think I was abusive, but she deserves better than that. The whole thing was in extremely poor taste and should not have occurred. I very much regret that it did.
Another pretty obvious warning sign is that I feel physically fantastic today. No headache, no upset stomach, nothing. I feel just fine. My family's extensive history of alcoholism is another.
I also know that I was much more physical than I usually am. I'm a pretty tactile person, I love hugging people and all that good stuff, but I know that alcohol heightens that tendency to a degree that is often inappropriate and probably creepy. Nobody has specifically complained to me about it, but they don't have to.
I also broke some very important promises last night, one of which was my promise to Alex and Jess that I'd stop being so touchy with people around them.
When it comes right down to it, despite the fact that I don't drink often, the signs are clear. I drank in order to cope with a lot of really hard feelings, and by "cope" I of course mean "run away from." While I don't believe in the "alcohol made me do it" excuse, I still feel it played an important role in some very bad decisions I made. Finally, I woke up this morning without so much as a minor hangover.
So I am taking a break from drinking as of now. Indefinitely.
If and when I decide that I am ready to start again, and maybe be a bit more responsible about it, then I am setting myself a three drink limit at any given gathering. I trust and expect my friends to help me stick to that.
I apologize humbly to anyone who was uncomfortable or hurt because of my actions last night.
However.
I drank too much, especially given that I had eaten nothing all day. Looking back, I -think- I managed to avoid making a complete ass of myself in front of everyone, but there were plenty of signs that it is time for me to stop, not the least of which was venting at Jess over the phone. I don't think I was abusive, but she deserves better than that. The whole thing was in extremely poor taste and should not have occurred. I very much regret that it did.
Another pretty obvious warning sign is that I feel physically fantastic today. No headache, no upset stomach, nothing. I feel just fine. My family's extensive history of alcoholism is another.
I also know that I was much more physical than I usually am. I'm a pretty tactile person, I love hugging people and all that good stuff, but I know that alcohol heightens that tendency to a degree that is often inappropriate and probably creepy. Nobody has specifically complained to me about it, but they don't have to.
I also broke some very important promises last night, one of which was my promise to Alex and Jess that I'd stop being so touchy with people around them.
When it comes right down to it, despite the fact that I don't drink often, the signs are clear. I drank in order to cope with a lot of really hard feelings, and by "cope" I of course mean "run away from." While I don't believe in the "alcohol made me do it" excuse, I still feel it played an important role in some very bad decisions I made. Finally, I woke up this morning without so much as a minor hangover.
So I am taking a break from drinking as of now. Indefinitely.
If and when I decide that I am ready to start again, and maybe be a bit more responsible about it, then I am setting myself a three drink limit at any given gathering. I trust and expect my friends to help me stick to that.
I apologize humbly to anyone who was uncomfortable or hurt because of my actions last night.