The First Day of the Rest of My Life.

[yojimbot]

ATTENTION: This post contains graphic descriptions of such topics including, but not limited to, the vagina, childbirth, foreskin, and feces. Also, within this post you may find soft, mushy, emotional bullshit heretofore unseen from the author. Reader discretion is advised and encouraged. Consider yourself warned.

Comments

[journalsoup]

foreskin

Man, I read this whole thing and there was no mention of foreskin anywhere!

a bail bonds shop in Hawaii.

Now I've never been, but it seems to me that this would be the best place in the world to be a bondsman. If someone skips out, they're probably going to be pretty easy to catch. Shit, they can't go more than 50 (?, I have no idea to be honest, so I'll just make up a number here) miles without SERIOUS effort. It's got to be like shooting fish in a barrel.

How can I be asked to raise a kid AND lead the Falcons to victory?

Clearly, you can't! That's what Tam's for.

took Tam's poor sister (whose on-again-off-again-semi-boyfriend asked me to take her home.

What was HE doing?

Walking around the room begins to sound like walking around the uncarpeted part of a movie theater. The high-tech, advanced medical solution to this is to stuff some towels between Tam's legs. Heh.

No comment here, I just had to include it for posterity, as it's one of the funniest things I've read lately.

after listening to someone moan and groan in agony for a couple of hours, you're ready for them to stop.

See, this is why my plan for Dana & I's child birth experience was for me to be getting good and drunk in a bar, or possibly the hospital parking garage, while she's in labor. That way *I* don't feel bad for not being able to help her and she doesn't feel bad for making me feel bad. I mean, if I'm doing some work that she can't help with, I don't expect her to just stand there the whole time and support me. I'm not sure if she's going to sign off on it though.

I swear the doctor kinda shot me a real disappointed look and shook her head at me.

And this was THE single funniest thing I've read in weeks.

I've always contended that newborn children are about the ugliest things on the planet (next to vaginas).

Heh, so it was a double treat!

KISS HIM!

Did you, or did you just make Tam?

Off to do that whole parenting thing.

Seriously though, Congratulations on everything. I'm glad to hear everything is working out and I'm sure you two are great parents. You guys rock.

KeL

ps.
I cried.

You puss.

(That was going to be the whole of my reply, but Dana forbid it of me. I had to include it though, since I just KNOW you'd be disappointed if I didn't. She just doesn't understand.)

[yojimbot]

Man, I read this whole thing and there was no mention of foreskin anywhere!

Haha. Yeah, I had originally intended to talk more about the hospital stay. But in the end, his birth felt like a good stopping place. Plus, I got that whole lazy thing going against me. I wrote a line somewhere up front like.. "More on that later." Well, two lears later, I had no idea what else I was gonna say about it so I took it out. Heh.

If someone skips out, they're probably going to be pretty easy to catch. Shit, they can't go more than 50 miles without SERIOUS effort.

This is truth. It never made sense to me to fuck over people (particularly friends) in Hawaii. Like to borrow money and never give it back. You can't just disappear in Hawaii. There's nowhere to go! I can't wait until they have to catch someone I know. It's gotta be coming.

What was HE doing?

Being a douchebag. He can't have been too busy, he's the one who dropped her off! Seriously, I had it with this fucking guy. I can't even joke about it anymore.

Did you, or did you just make Tam?

Y'know, the way I remembered all this shit was to kinda construct this most in my head while at the hospital. But I didn't save away that bit of data. I have no idea if I did or not. I gotta imagine no, though.. Cause he was still pretty gross. Heh.

Seriously though, Congratulations on everything.

Thanks!

You puss.

You don't even know the half of it. I'm ruined. I cried that day and haven't been the same since. I can't watch a god damn episode of House with a kid all fucked up without getting all soft and shit. Any time I see a movie with a dad being proud of his son or some shit like that, I get all fucked up too. Can't I just watch a fucking movie and not become emotionally vested in these fucking characters?! I miss being 21 and not giving a fuck about anyone but myself. Siigh.

And yes, I understood that I couldn't say something like that without hearing about it. It would have been like screaming, "Marco!" and getting nothing in return.