Can you even relate to this?
Dear Diarrhea,
So the deed has been done and I wonder if I did the right thing.
One thing is true is I do not like pretending I am happy when I am not and I certainly do not like pretending I like certain people when I do not especially after an insult that was unnecessary and pointless and downright bigoted.
At least I showed up so that very much clears up for appearances' sake. I do not do this for myself but simply because I care far more for the person I am doing this for than I do for keeping myself hidden from view. I do not want this person I care about to lie or take the fall for me. I can take care of that myself.
But I know I am stubborn. I can be very stubborn. So stubborn that it can be such an annoyance. But I am not a faker either. This does not change a thing. I still do not like you and it will take some convincing on your part in words or other ways to make me change my impression of you.
I might even forgive you eventually but I won't forget what you did. But I like to think that I have somewhat improved than I did before. This is just pure business now.
I do not like going to places or gatherings where I have to have a serious pep talk with myself. I start zeroing on things that I have already pushed back behind me. I start bringing up things I do not like thinking about anymore. I hate that. I want to go to places and gatherings and just go without thinking of such serious things.
I think I have yet to perfect the skill of being two persons at the same time. Where I can easily tune out the ravaged me and bring out the sunshine version of me to some people. People go for appearances really. They don't read minds. They only see what they want to see. I think I can manage that. Let them see what they want to see. Who am I kidding?
Which leads me to the age-old question? How far do I really trust people? Do I really trust them because I just do or because I keep telling myself that I have to or else I lose my mind and my whole world crash down on me? So which is it? I guess if you grew up the way I did, your perception of reality can get a little screwed up. One day, you are all sunshine and flowers, the next day....you just want to stab random people in the eye.
I think one of the reasons I hold on to my anger is I feel like it's all I have to keep me in being who I am. It's like it's all I can be. Afraid that once I pretend, I will lose that true part of myself. Right now I am angry, therefore I need to show that I am not a happy person. I can switch personalities with other people I am not angry with and focus my rage on one person alone. So far in all these years, I have only perfected that ability. I have still not reached the ability to just remain not angry with people I am angry with. That takes mad skills and a happy childhood, I guess.
But right now I can just sit still and calm myself down that the deed has been done. Not bother myself with what they must be thinking about me right now. Whether they bother or not, it won't really help me really. I am not happy. You know what you did. Live with it. Maybe I won't be invited to such gatherings anymore. Thanks but no thanks. I am not excited. I am happy with noodles and rice, thank you very much.
Okay end of transmission....
So the deed has been done and I wonder if I did the right thing.
One thing is true is I do not like pretending I am happy when I am not and I certainly do not like pretending I like certain people when I do not especially after an insult that was unnecessary and pointless and downright bigoted.
At least I showed up so that very much clears up for appearances' sake. I do not do this for myself but simply because I care far more for the person I am doing this for than I do for keeping myself hidden from view. I do not want this person I care about to lie or take the fall for me. I can take care of that myself.
But I know I am stubborn. I can be very stubborn. So stubborn that it can be such an annoyance. But I am not a faker either. This does not change a thing. I still do not like you and it will take some convincing on your part in words or other ways to make me change my impression of you.
I might even forgive you eventually but I won't forget what you did. But I like to think that I have somewhat improved than I did before. This is just pure business now.
I do not like going to places or gatherings where I have to have a serious pep talk with myself. I start zeroing on things that I have already pushed back behind me. I start bringing up things I do not like thinking about anymore. I hate that. I want to go to places and gatherings and just go without thinking of such serious things.
I think I have yet to perfect the skill of being two persons at the same time. Where I can easily tune out the ravaged me and bring out the sunshine version of me to some people. People go for appearances really. They don't read minds. They only see what they want to see. I think I can manage that. Let them see what they want to see. Who am I kidding?
Which leads me to the age-old question? How far do I really trust people? Do I really trust them because I just do or because I keep telling myself that I have to or else I lose my mind and my whole world crash down on me? So which is it? I guess if you grew up the way I did, your perception of reality can get a little screwed up. One day, you are all sunshine and flowers, the next day....you just want to stab random people in the eye.
I think one of the reasons I hold on to my anger is I feel like it's all I have to keep me in being who I am. It's like it's all I can be. Afraid that once I pretend, I will lose that true part of myself. Right now I am angry, therefore I need to show that I am not a happy person. I can switch personalities with other people I am not angry with and focus my rage on one person alone. So far in all these years, I have only perfected that ability. I have still not reached the ability to just remain not angry with people I am angry with. That takes mad skills and a happy childhood, I guess.
But right now I can just sit still and calm myself down that the deed has been done. Not bother myself with what they must be thinking about me right now. Whether they bother or not, it won't really help me really. I am not happy. You know what you did. Live with it. Maybe I won't be invited to such gatherings anymore. Thanks but no thanks. I am not excited. I am happy with noodles and rice, thank you very much.
Okay end of transmission....