(no subject)
So not what I was planning on first posting but it's been on my mind so!
My illness does not invalidate your own.
I am very serious about this. It's really important to me that, even if you don't read the rest of this post, you mull a minute on this idea. It does not matter of what quantity or time your woe involves, pain/illness/deviation from status quo still sucks at it's most basic core.
This weekend, someone* who was really sick recently mentioned how happy they were to finally be able to eat again. I responded that I could sympathize. They apologized and I told them that my sickness doesn't invalidate their own. But... I'm not sure they understood it. And I feel like I made them feel bad which makes me feel bad and awkward in return. All this because of what for me was basically just an off hand remark of sympathy.
I am Sick with a capital 's'. As much as I grapple with this, I do accept that that is just the way life is. It's ok. These were the cards I was dealt with and I make do. I have the experience and trying to say I didn't would be rather silly. It is a gift in some ways. Although it takes things away from me, it also gives things to me. I just am and it's ok, I'm all right, life moves ever onward.
However, being sick still sucks. I don't care if it's chronic or just a 24 hour bug, in that instant of being sick time really means nothing. Right at that moment you feel like crap and it sucks.
When I say that I sympathize I am not trying to bring attention to my own illness or trying to make your pain out to be lesser or anything else. For me it is merely a simple statement of 'I know what you are talking about and it sucks; I am sorry you had to feel that. I recognize your pain; acknowledgement normalizes things.' It is simple because it has to be simple. It has no other underlying meaning to it because it can't. I try not to be an asshole. I try not to inflict pain or uncomfort on to others. I can not make everything about me because reality is not all about me. And I can't always make it about my illness because there is more to me than just an illness.
My familiarity or lack there of does not make my own experience or someone else's any lessor or any greater. It's really hard (in the US at least) because cancer is held up as The Worst Thing and If You Don't Have it Shut The F* Up. I find it's a better POV to just say Pain Sucks. Having a cold sucks. Broke an arm? Sucks. 24 hour bug? Sucks. Surgery sucks. Fevers suck. Painful reminders of past injuries in cold weather sucks. Food poisoning sucks. Being sick? Sucks, period.
It bothers me a little about how people put illness into a hierarchy**. Although it does give me an idea of how people view me: people who honestly like me play down their own and people who don't like to remind me that 'at least it's not cancer'. There is really a point at which you can put something too much into perspective.
It's hard to argue against the people who bring up cancer. Cancer sucks. It kind of pings many of our societies worst fears: commonly leads to death, treatment can result in disfigurement, treatment is a long term thing, once you have it you have to worry about it coming back (either from residue in your system or resulting from the treatment itself). The type of people who bring it up view it as something you can fight against but somewhat futilely, making cancer victims these figures of an almost mythological quality.
It sucks. Not just the cancer but how people treat you when you have it, the expectations they have and the pity and the condescension. The way people pat themselves on the back and go, at least I don't have that. It sucks for people who have to deal with people trivializing their pain and making it lessor because what they have isn't cancer. And it really sucks for people who has an 'invisible' illness, one who looks normal and so obviously has to be normal. Some people absolutely can not handle the idea that their first impression was wrong and that sometimes things are not as they appear at the surface. If someone else looks fine and is sick, how can you tell who's sick? How can you tell that you yourself aren't sick? The other person must obviously be lieing because everyone knows that you can ID a sick person by how bad they look.
It really all comes down to fear. People are scared of things they can't understand. They fear that which is different. It makes them uncomfortable and they don't know how to react. I try not to bring up my illness in public because it changes things, it makes things uncomfortable for everyone. It makes me Other and that itself is a pain that I can not fight aginst. But at the same time, my illness is a part of me and I can not avoid it all of the time.
I am Other at the same time that I am the Same as you, just with different experiences. We all seek that which is a reflection of ourselves in others. And as much as I am telling you that its sucks but will be ok, I am also trying to tell myself.
*I really shouldn't be pointing said person out and to you I really apologize. It's just that I need a specific example to write a post like this because people don't understand what I mean without an example. It's really hard to explain, so I can only imagine how how it is to understand.
*As much as I hate heirarching illnesses (shhhh, just go along with my mutilation of English), I will admit that I do it myself. My worst nightmare at one point in time was that the test for Lupus would come back positive; I can not handle throwing up and that appears to be one of the primary symptons of Lupus. However, I tell myself 'at least it's not Lupus' not because I feel it is somehow worse but because for me personally the symptoms are worse. It's a fine line but an important one to make. When you have a chronic illness, there are times that you just have to tell yourself it would be worse if ____ just to keep your sanity. After all, if it really was the worst why keep on going?
My illness does not invalidate your own.
I am very serious about this. It's really important to me that, even if you don't read the rest of this post, you mull a minute on this idea. It does not matter of what quantity or time your woe involves, pain/illness/deviation from status quo still sucks at it's most basic core.
This weekend, someone* who was really sick recently mentioned how happy they were to finally be able to eat again. I responded that I could sympathize. They apologized and I told them that my sickness doesn't invalidate their own. But... I'm not sure they understood it. And I feel like I made them feel bad which makes me feel bad and awkward in return. All this because of what for me was basically just an off hand remark of sympathy.
I am Sick with a capital 's'. As much as I grapple with this, I do accept that that is just the way life is. It's ok. These were the cards I was dealt with and I make do. I have the experience and trying to say I didn't would be rather silly. It is a gift in some ways. Although it takes things away from me, it also gives things to me. I just am and it's ok, I'm all right, life moves ever onward.
However, being sick still sucks. I don't care if it's chronic or just a 24 hour bug, in that instant of being sick time really means nothing. Right at that moment you feel like crap and it sucks.
When I say that I sympathize I am not trying to bring attention to my own illness or trying to make your pain out to be lesser or anything else. For me it is merely a simple statement of 'I know what you are talking about and it sucks; I am sorry you had to feel that. I recognize your pain; acknowledgement normalizes things.' It is simple because it has to be simple. It has no other underlying meaning to it because it can't. I try not to be an asshole. I try not to inflict pain or uncomfort on to others. I can not make everything about me because reality is not all about me. And I can't always make it about my illness because there is more to me than just an illness.
My familiarity or lack there of does not make my own experience or someone else's any lessor or any greater. It's really hard (in the US at least) because cancer is held up as The Worst Thing and If You Don't Have it Shut The F* Up. I find it's a better POV to just say Pain Sucks. Having a cold sucks. Broke an arm? Sucks. 24 hour bug? Sucks. Surgery sucks. Fevers suck. Painful reminders of past injuries in cold weather sucks. Food poisoning sucks. Being sick? Sucks, period.
It bothers me a little about how people put illness into a hierarchy**. Although it does give me an idea of how people view me: people who honestly like me play down their own and people who don't like to remind me that 'at least it's not cancer'. There is really a point at which you can put something too much into perspective.
It's hard to argue against the people who bring up cancer. Cancer sucks. It kind of pings many of our societies worst fears: commonly leads to death, treatment can result in disfigurement, treatment is a long term thing, once you have it you have to worry about it coming back (either from residue in your system or resulting from the treatment itself). The type of people who bring it up view it as something you can fight against but somewhat futilely, making cancer victims these figures of an almost mythological quality.
It sucks. Not just the cancer but how people treat you when you have it, the expectations they have and the pity and the condescension. The way people pat themselves on the back and go, at least I don't have that. It sucks for people who have to deal with people trivializing their pain and making it lessor because what they have isn't cancer. And it really sucks for people who has an 'invisible' illness, one who looks normal and so obviously has to be normal. Some people absolutely can not handle the idea that their first impression was wrong and that sometimes things are not as they appear at the surface. If someone else looks fine and is sick, how can you tell who's sick? How can you tell that you yourself aren't sick? The other person must obviously be lieing because everyone knows that you can ID a sick person by how bad they look.
It really all comes down to fear. People are scared of things they can't understand. They fear that which is different. It makes them uncomfortable and they don't know how to react. I try not to bring up my illness in public because it changes things, it makes things uncomfortable for everyone. It makes me Other and that itself is a pain that I can not fight aginst. But at the same time, my illness is a part of me and I can not avoid it all of the time.
I am Other at the same time that I am the Same as you, just with different experiences. We all seek that which is a reflection of ourselves in others. And as much as I am telling you that its sucks but will be ok, I am also trying to tell myself.
*I really shouldn't be pointing said person out and to you I really apologize. It's just that I need a specific example to write a post like this because people don't understand what I mean without an example. It's really hard to explain, so I can only imagine how how it is to understand.
*As much as I hate heirarching illnesses (shhhh, just go along with my mutilation of English), I will admit that I do it myself. My worst nightmare at one point in time was that the test for Lupus would come back positive; I can not handle throwing up and that appears to be one of the primary symptons of Lupus. However, I tell myself 'at least it's not Lupus' not because I feel it is somehow worse but because for me personally the symptoms are worse. It's a fine line but an important one to make. When you have a chronic illness, there are times that you just have to tell yourself it would be worse if ____ just to keep your sanity. After all, if it really was the worst why keep on going?