Freakout and maleness, etc.
I guess I reached the pinnacle of potential freakout today, after letting a lot of little thoughts, worries, frustrations, doubts, disappointments, etc. get to me. I do realize that these episodes are definitely enhanced by the aggravate of a child who demands attention (as that is the nature of an 8 month old). What it really was about, however, was not feeling like I was in control of things, and that these "things" were growing in number and attention needed. What I thought through, a bit, was that some of this was tied to a sense of inadequacy in regards to the wanted expectation on my part, to innately know how to do shit. I always have all these project ideas, but then I realize that I don't have the slightest idea,at least not without great thought, how to proceed. And the lack of being able to think, has really gotten to me. I think this is what people without children don't realize: you have no time to genuinely think. Either I'm too tired to muster more than the continued thought to keep my eyes open to finish the immediate task in front of me (doing dishes, or eating), much less plan out a major event, project, or realignment of my philosophical outlook. I used to be able to spend hours in pseudo-contemplation, writing, lounging with books and thoughts etc. Now, that is rare. Ultimately, I believe this led to an overload of loss of down time. Recently I've been presented with situations that were not of my planning, and thus the burden was involving not only something I hadn't thought out, but the assistance of others. Luckily, today as well, this situation has been greatly resolved. The fundamental problem, is that I was worried I was going to disappoint my in-laws who were going to help build a garden box. I still hadn't bought any of the materials, wavering on what best approach, and not generally having a good sense of what goes into building certain structures. Additionally, it's a situation I sort of wanted to do on my own, and with my own mistakes. I find I do not ever want to set myself up for a situation in which my directions, plans, or materials, cause others to make an inferior product or decisions. I am more than willing to blame myself for things, but that is also the flip side of the opportunity for pride and sense of accomplishment. I find it harder and harder to gain that sense of accomplishment, when most of my tasks are reduced to redundant monotony; the daily habits of established life, as especially influenced by a young child. The trickier aspect of this predicament, of course, is that this plan for a garden box, etc, is the loving idea from my wife, who wanted to present me with a birthday of accomplishing some major yardwork plans. Thus, I also struggled with openly discussing my frustrations, fears, etc. Finally, it all came to a head, of course while our daughter was crying, I was trying to clean up from lunch, and feeling more and more pressured to act without thought. It's resolved, and this Sunday is turning into a better day. I'm now finishing a New Glarus brewing company Stone Soup (delicious) and listening to tunes. I did get the diapers washed and hung out, and in the basket now. I want to just read, listen, write, and consume good beer the rest of the evening, but alas, life's obligations continue to beckon. As a side note, our daughter is grinding her 8 teeth...it's unnerving. Ha. Until next time...