So empty.
In the past couple days i have realized how needy i am and can be; I am in constant need of something or someone to give my attention to.
A bit strange right? I mean of course I'd love to get the same affection in return, but i've honestly noticed that i long to just have someone let me love them.
Maybe my heart is just taking it as a kind of precautionary step, i have no idea. Maybe it feels that no one will be loving me they way i want them to anytime soon, and only a girl as foolish as i does start to love people so quickly. Trusting them however is a different story.
I'm trying to adjust to his wishes, its really difficult. Constant communication was always my reassurance that they were just as interested in me as i was in them. Now, i just have to have --faith. ugh. I hate that word. What is faith... i swear its in between being sure something will happen and hoping something will happen.
As much as i despised it, i must have faith that he really is interested. I hate that i think so much sometimes. I think about things like, what if my age or inexperience scared him off? What if he just decided i'm not worth the whole trouble of starting over with someone from scratch after just recently getting out of a 4 year relationship. What if he didn't want to be tied down to gainesville after he graduated?
The bigger question was, would he tell me? would i ever speak to him again? or was he just one of the many that after a great time just left me uninformed, confused, and disappointed.
My heart aches at the mere thought. What's wrong with me? So many say that i'm more than just pretty and that i have a great personality...so what is it then that seems to condemn me to remaining single?
On these websites, men ask me time and time again, why are you single? And I've realized that this, in itself, is one of the most difficult questions that i have ever come across in my short life.
My last night as a teenager. What does this mean? Nothing. Just another year older. I really dont consider myself an adult yet, and apparently neither do my parents. I have the face of at least a 16 year old, maybe younger. What am i to do with that? cherish it? cherish the fact that people still cover their mouths after they curse around me sometimes? When will it end? ...when i get married? perhaps.
I can say that my entire family would probably think i'm stupid if i got married within the next 2-3 years. But I have a feeling that even at the age of 23-24 they will still look at me with endearing eyes, and tell me to be home by 10.
I have never in my life desired so badly to just be a wife. Not really so much a daughter, or a sister, or an aunt really. I want to devote my life to someone desperately. Its the type of person i am. How I wish, that i might be fortunate enough to fall in love with a rich man, so then i wouldn't have to worry about anything but pleasing him.
I know what you may be thinking... you should only worry about making yourself happy, and I know this. However, knowing that i bring joy into someones life, and that they would never even imagine letting the thought of living without me cross their minds, would give me enough happiness to last a lifetime.
Even though i'd love to have children... i would hate having to pick between my husband and my children. It's just a different love, what is one to do? Maybe its because i don't have children, but i feel like i'd pick my husband. I don't want to talk about that anymore.
So the point is, why do men keep leaving me out to dry? Am i too complicated? I mean i'm totally jumping the gun with Jeff here, but i like to be pessimistic for my own sake; this way if the worst happens i'm prepared.
It's only been a full day that i've been in miami for the holidays, and already i loathe it here. I baked a two layer cake; put chocolate frosting in between and cream cheese frosting on the outside. I have no idea how it tastes.
Hopefully, tomorrow--my day of birth--will be somewhat better. My father hasnt been around, and maybe thats why i'm so... sad and empty.
I was also thinking maybe i just need a new animal. Cat or dog. Something ask for my attention. I think it might be healthier then men. haha.
Too bad lexington crossing doesn't allow pets, but how would they find out? I'm not about to test them. I already signed my soul for another miserable year. 8-6-09 yech. I have to remind myself to get a vacuum cleaner.
I'm halfway through the third book. I read basically an entire book in a day, because i started half way through the second.
anywhoo I'm sure no one reads this but.. yay officially happy birthday to me.
sigh
I'm old.
A bit strange right? I mean of course I'd love to get the same affection in return, but i've honestly noticed that i long to just have someone let me love them.
Maybe my heart is just taking it as a kind of precautionary step, i have no idea. Maybe it feels that no one will be loving me they way i want them to anytime soon, and only a girl as foolish as i does start to love people so quickly. Trusting them however is a different story.
I'm trying to adjust to his wishes, its really difficult. Constant communication was always my reassurance that they were just as interested in me as i was in them. Now, i just have to have --faith. ugh. I hate that word. What is faith... i swear its in between being sure something will happen and hoping something will happen.
As much as i despised it, i must have faith that he really is interested. I hate that i think so much sometimes. I think about things like, what if my age or inexperience scared him off? What if he just decided i'm not worth the whole trouble of starting over with someone from scratch after just recently getting out of a 4 year relationship. What if he didn't want to be tied down to gainesville after he graduated?
The bigger question was, would he tell me? would i ever speak to him again? or was he just one of the many that after a great time just left me uninformed, confused, and disappointed.
My heart aches at the mere thought. What's wrong with me? So many say that i'm more than just pretty and that i have a great personality...so what is it then that seems to condemn me to remaining single?
On these websites, men ask me time and time again, why are you single? And I've realized that this, in itself, is one of the most difficult questions that i have ever come across in my short life.
My last night as a teenager. What does this mean? Nothing. Just another year older. I really dont consider myself an adult yet, and apparently neither do my parents. I have the face of at least a 16 year old, maybe younger. What am i to do with that? cherish it? cherish the fact that people still cover their mouths after they curse around me sometimes? When will it end? ...when i get married? perhaps.
I can say that my entire family would probably think i'm stupid if i got married within the next 2-3 years. But I have a feeling that even at the age of 23-24 they will still look at me with endearing eyes, and tell me to be home by 10.
I have never in my life desired so badly to just be a wife. Not really so much a daughter, or a sister, or an aunt really. I want to devote my life to someone desperately. Its the type of person i am. How I wish, that i might be fortunate enough to fall in love with a rich man, so then i wouldn't have to worry about anything but pleasing him.
I know what you may be thinking... you should only worry about making yourself happy, and I know this. However, knowing that i bring joy into someones life, and that they would never even imagine letting the thought of living without me cross their minds, would give me enough happiness to last a lifetime.
Even though i'd love to have children... i would hate having to pick between my husband and my children. It's just a different love, what is one to do? Maybe its because i don't have children, but i feel like i'd pick my husband. I don't want to talk about that anymore.
So the point is, why do men keep leaving me out to dry? Am i too complicated? I mean i'm totally jumping the gun with Jeff here, but i like to be pessimistic for my own sake; this way if the worst happens i'm prepared.
It's only been a full day that i've been in miami for the holidays, and already i loathe it here. I baked a two layer cake; put chocolate frosting in between and cream cheese frosting on the outside. I have no idea how it tastes.
Hopefully, tomorrow--my day of birth--will be somewhat better. My father hasnt been around, and maybe thats why i'm so... sad and empty.
I was also thinking maybe i just need a new animal. Cat or dog. Something ask for my attention. I think it might be healthier then men. haha.
Too bad lexington crossing doesn't allow pets, but how would they find out? I'm not about to test them. I already signed my soul for another miserable year. 8-6-09 yech. I have to remind myself to get a vacuum cleaner.
I'm halfway through the third book. I read basically an entire book in a day, because i started half way through the second.
anywhoo I'm sure no one reads this but.. yay officially happy birthday to me.
sigh
I'm old.