Revelations
I'm still a coxswain at heart. Always will be. But its no longer the ultimate definition of who I am anymore. I'm learning who I am like everyone else is learning who they are. I'm slowly acquiring knowledge and ideas. Learning things I can believe, things I choose to believe, and things that I can't and won't believe. There are some things that you have to believe to help you cope. Having a coping mechanism doesn't make you weak. It gives you the strength to survive.
As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Looking back on my memories, time has blurred the flaws of past realities. I still remember the difficult times; time doesn't heal all wounds. But, when I compare what I found to what I had, I compare it to the good parts of what I had; the bad parts don't seem relevant, they don't seem to be the same kind of bad parts as those in what I found. The wounds from the difficult times don't sting me without warning like they used to, they no longer jump to the front of my mind when I recall thoughts of how things used to be. I realize I can't go around chasing this notion of perfection, it doesn't exist, its been all in my head. Like reaching into fog groping for an image that has been cast on it by a projector. I just come out disappointed and disillusioned with a cold and damp hand.
Until now, I've been searching for this perfect life and I've finally realized that what I was looking for I have already had, and that by trying to continue it, rebuild it, and improve on it I was spoiling it. Nothing will compare to what I had and I'm now learning to let go of that dream, leaving it in a serene perfect state, and in a new place, put the life I am living. Maybe someday I'll find a way to salvage the dream, get another chance at it, or possibly just look back on it in all of its glory and relive it.
I've learned that its fine to imagine other people's lives, but you won't ever have them so you better stop wishing you lived them or else you'll miss everything in your own life.
The grass may seem or even actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but for all you know, they could have really bad weeds on the far side of the lawn, or maybe a septic tank exploded once covering their grass in shit, and though the grass is greener from the fertilizer, it smells like crap. Literally.
I'm counting my blessings and mourning the relocation of a dream. But I'm waking up with a greater potential to be happy.
As they say, hindsight is 20/20. Looking back on my memories, time has blurred the flaws of past realities. I still remember the difficult times; time doesn't heal all wounds. But, when I compare what I found to what I had, I compare it to the good parts of what I had; the bad parts don't seem relevant, they don't seem to be the same kind of bad parts as those in what I found. The wounds from the difficult times don't sting me without warning like they used to, they no longer jump to the front of my mind when I recall thoughts of how things used to be. I realize I can't go around chasing this notion of perfection, it doesn't exist, its been all in my head. Like reaching into fog groping for an image that has been cast on it by a projector. I just come out disappointed and disillusioned with a cold and damp hand.
Until now, I've been searching for this perfect life and I've finally realized that what I was looking for I have already had, and that by trying to continue it, rebuild it, and improve on it I was spoiling it. Nothing will compare to what I had and I'm now learning to let go of that dream, leaving it in a serene perfect state, and in a new place, put the life I am living. Maybe someday I'll find a way to salvage the dream, get another chance at it, or possibly just look back on it in all of its glory and relive it.
I've learned that its fine to imagine other people's lives, but you won't ever have them so you better stop wishing you lived them or else you'll miss everything in your own life.
The grass may seem or even actually be greener on the other side of the fence, but for all you know, they could have really bad weeds on the far side of the lawn, or maybe a septic tank exploded once covering their grass in shit, and though the grass is greener from the fertilizer, it smells like crap. Literally.
I'm counting my blessings and mourning the relocation of a dream. But I'm waking up with a greater potential to be happy.