(no subject)
You think that I should be worried when my first reaction is asking Liz to buy me a fifth and get completely trashed by myself in my room on Saturday?
I'm terrified of Monday. I'm nervous about getting the letter. I have no idea what I am doing.
Jane is right, it's way too hard trying to be friends with him because you want to have a genuine relationship with him and he is genuinely flirting with you.... and with every other girl he knows. That doesn't change how good it feels to get a hug from him.
I wonder if joining a sorority would give me an opportunity to have the atypical life I want. Formals, friends, parties, being normal?
I still smell like him....He smells so good.
In ways I am so ready to leave. To just get over there, all alone, start new, all by myself, be able have that perverbial clean slate. But then I get scared, of the debt, of having to run into that asshole, of ending things and finding out that I shouldn't have, of being alone, of dying in the city and having no one know or care that I was gone. Scared of having to be strong enough to support myself. Maybe that's what I need. To go and have no choice but to just do it.
At this exact moment, I just want to get on the plane and go.
Livejournal makes me want to stay up all night and feel sorry for myself.
My ankle hurts. Damn coffee table.
I love Jay-Z. I wish I was gangster, wish I could drive like they do in Fast and Furious, wonder what it would be like living that life.
I miss crew. I'm terrified of going to Regionals because I know it will only make me wish I was back in high school. I look at pictures of everyone else's life and I'm so jealous you can't believe.
I have started to regret things. I hate myself for it. What if I regret not going? How am I supposed to know what I will regret in 20 years? Why do we have to go through life with all these unanswered questions. I want to keep learning, but more academically, not philosophically.
I'm addicted to Sex and the City. That pushes me to go. Maybe my Mr. Big will rescue me in the end... Which one is he?
Starting to take apart my room. 3 weeks, I'm gone. Maybe never coming back. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I realized that I have no direction in my life. I don't know where I am going where I want to go what I want to do...and its not just talking a toll on me.
I was wrong in thinking what I did two weeks ago. It was so much fun going out that night. And I thought something....but I was wrong...so wrong.....Fuck it.
Worried I won't get my hours in. Afraid of my exam tomorrow. Really shouldn't be. The second exam I should be afraid, but after almost acing the practice test the second time around I'm not too worried. I don't remember much about hybridization and electron and molecular geometries. What about molality and mass percents and change in vapor pressure and GH dislocations, compartment syndrome, unhappy triad, how will I ever get good at palpation?
Its odd. Watching some movies, looking at some pictures, reading some things make me miss it so much. It hurts so badly missing something that much. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. At times it gives me inspiration. Others it makes me jealous. And some others it makes me depressed. Am I on a quest to make myself feel inadequate, alone, and like a failure? Because quite frankly, I'm good at it.
I kind of hate where I am right now. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. How does every one else manage?
The ibuprofen isn't working any more.
I want to throw up.
I know its morbid, but I think alot about my own funeral. Who would come? Who would care enough to show up? Who would just blow me off? Who would carry my coffin? Would you cry?
Pointing out my defense mechanism to me and making me feel like shit doesn't help. Yes I would rather assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised when people remember my name than to be disappointed when I find out that they hate me. I didn't used to actually have people hate me. Just people who used me when they fought with their friends. I am used to being the rebound friend. But I am getting more used to people not liking me. Lord knows its started happening a lot more recently. Like last summer. Which makes me dread summer even more.
What would you give to go back in time and change things?
I'm pathetic.....self-deprecation, what a fabulous talent.
Oh yeah...and it sucks when only like 2 people remember its your birthday. Maybe only 2 people knew. Whatever the reason, it still sucks.
Enjoy what you have while you've got it. Because you never know when its going to get taken from you. One day you will wake up and it will be gone forever and you'll wonder what the hell happened.
I'm terrified of Monday. I'm nervous about getting the letter. I have no idea what I am doing.
Jane is right, it's way too hard trying to be friends with him because you want to have a genuine relationship with him and he is genuinely flirting with you.... and with every other girl he knows. That doesn't change how good it feels to get a hug from him.
I wonder if joining a sorority would give me an opportunity to have the atypical life I want. Formals, friends, parties, being normal?
I still smell like him....He smells so good.
In ways I am so ready to leave. To just get over there, all alone, start new, all by myself, be able have that perverbial clean slate. But then I get scared, of the debt, of having to run into that asshole, of ending things and finding out that I shouldn't have, of being alone, of dying in the city and having no one know or care that I was gone. Scared of having to be strong enough to support myself. Maybe that's what I need. To go and have no choice but to just do it.
At this exact moment, I just want to get on the plane and go.
Livejournal makes me want to stay up all night and feel sorry for myself.
My ankle hurts. Damn coffee table.
I love Jay-Z. I wish I was gangster, wish I could drive like they do in Fast and Furious, wonder what it would be like living that life.
I miss crew. I'm terrified of going to Regionals because I know it will only make me wish I was back in high school. I look at pictures of everyone else's life and I'm so jealous you can't believe.
I have started to regret things. I hate myself for it. What if I regret not going? How am I supposed to know what I will regret in 20 years? Why do we have to go through life with all these unanswered questions. I want to keep learning, but more academically, not philosophically.
I'm addicted to Sex and the City. That pushes me to go. Maybe my Mr. Big will rescue me in the end... Which one is he?
Starting to take apart my room. 3 weeks, I'm gone. Maybe never coming back. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I realized that I have no direction in my life. I don't know where I am going where I want to go what I want to do...and its not just talking a toll on me.
I was wrong in thinking what I did two weeks ago. It was so much fun going out that night. And I thought something....but I was wrong...so wrong.....Fuck it.
Worried I won't get my hours in. Afraid of my exam tomorrow. Really shouldn't be. The second exam I should be afraid, but after almost acing the practice test the second time around I'm not too worried. I don't remember much about hybridization and electron and molecular geometries. What about molality and mass percents and change in vapor pressure and GH dislocations, compartment syndrome, unhappy triad, how will I ever get good at palpation?
Its odd. Watching some movies, looking at some pictures, reading some things make me miss it so much. It hurts so badly missing something that much. But that doesn't stop me from doing it. At times it gives me inspiration. Others it makes me jealous. And some others it makes me depressed. Am I on a quest to make myself feel inadequate, alone, and like a failure? Because quite frankly, I'm good at it.
I kind of hate where I am right now. I don't seem to fit in anywhere. How does every one else manage?
The ibuprofen isn't working any more.
I want to throw up.
I know its morbid, but I think alot about my own funeral. Who would come? Who would care enough to show up? Who would just blow me off? Who would carry my coffin? Would you cry?
Pointing out my defense mechanism to me and making me feel like shit doesn't help. Yes I would rather assume the worst and be pleasantly surprised when people remember my name than to be disappointed when I find out that they hate me. I didn't used to actually have people hate me. Just people who used me when they fought with their friends. I am used to being the rebound friend. But I am getting more used to people not liking me. Lord knows its started happening a lot more recently. Like last summer. Which makes me dread summer even more.
What would you give to go back in time and change things?
I'm pathetic.....self-deprecation, what a fabulous talent.
Oh yeah...and it sucks when only like 2 people remember its your birthday. Maybe only 2 people knew. Whatever the reason, it still sucks.
Enjoy what you have while you've got it. Because you never know when its going to get taken from you. One day you will wake up and it will be gone forever and you'll wonder what the hell happened.