I remember a better me
Once upon a time, I considered myself a good person. A man of high moral standing and virtue. The type of guy you could rely on for good, solid advice. But, I don't quite feel that way anymore. I have discussed with my more geeky friends several times about personality alignment and how I was always the "Lawful Good" type and now I have changed to a much more Neutral type. For a while, it wasn't bothering me. It was benificial. Regard for the feelings of others were not top priority anymore and it made making my life a happier one much easier. But at what cost? I now feel a bit lost. Like I am unsure of who I am anymore and what I want. I want to be the good guy again. Not that I am a bad guy now, just not a good one. I had a dream last night that involved the characters in "Smallville". Everytime I watch Clark Kent and see his lawful goodness, it reminds me more of the way I used to feel. Not necessarily as me because I was never quite as super as Clark but I remeber what it felt like to be a good person. One of those people that was worth getting to know and displayed many attributes that was the envy of some. But, I'm not really him anymore.
I am not quite sure really what I should do about it. I have several goals and aspirations I want to strive to achieve but my ambitions and determination seems to have faded with my goodness. I almost feel slothful. I put off today what I can do next week and, when next week comes, I still don't do it. What do I put these more important things off for? Nothing really. I find myself pacing the house sometimes, just thinking. I guess it's better than just sitting in the dark and thinking but not much.
I wanted to write more. Perhaps even get a little deep but, I don't even feel like doing that. My birthday is coming up soon and I still have yet to decide what I'm going to do in celebration. Usually, it's all already figured and planned out. This year, I honestly want to run away. I don't know why. I just do. Instead, I'm having those close to me over because, well, that is what I do. They make me feel good. That is generally what one is suppose to do for their birthday: surround themselves with people who care that put them as the center of attention in order to make them feel good about being them. This could all be just because it's winter and the winter tends to have a depressing effect on some, especially on someone like me who really hates the cold. But, that's the thing. I don't really feel depressed. Just lost. I'll snap out of it. I'll figure something out and act on it. I just have to wait for it to come to me.
I am not quite sure really what I should do about it. I have several goals and aspirations I want to strive to achieve but my ambitions and determination seems to have faded with my goodness. I almost feel slothful. I put off today what I can do next week and, when next week comes, I still don't do it. What do I put these more important things off for? Nothing really. I find myself pacing the house sometimes, just thinking. I guess it's better than just sitting in the dark and thinking but not much.
I wanted to write more. Perhaps even get a little deep but, I don't even feel like doing that. My birthday is coming up soon and I still have yet to decide what I'm going to do in celebration. Usually, it's all already figured and planned out. This year, I honestly want to run away. I don't know why. I just do. Instead, I'm having those close to me over because, well, that is what I do. They make me feel good. That is generally what one is suppose to do for their birthday: surround themselves with people who care that put them as the center of attention in order to make them feel good about being them. This could all be just because it's winter and the winter tends to have a depressing effect on some, especially on someone like me who really hates the cold. But, that's the thing. I don't really feel depressed. Just lost. I'll snap out of it. I'll figure something out and act on it. I just have to wait for it to come to me.