(no subject)
everything is falling apart.
i became way too emotional after that movie last night and i cried even while i was sleeping. i woke up and was crying.
i took too much nyquil last night and i feel like jelly..it sucks.
kally called me into work an hour early. but i get out at 5 instead which is still good.
im going to go now.
p.s. the friends dont need a vacation, they dont need a break from each other, they dont need therapy. they just fucking need each other. and that is what is not happening. i love you all.
Work was okay. real quick...only 3 hours. i love when people leave loads of dishes for me to do...because it gives me time to think. and like i said before, if it wasnt for coffee filters, id go insane. its like meditation when i sit there and pick them apart haha.
i guess im going to billys tonight to hang out with him and daniar and brita. that will make me feel better.
i came home and my parents just informed me that they were going to maine tonight. that's excellent.
i need holly to work for me tomorrow. is anyone else going to the michelle s. benefit concert? it will be a good time, definitely go...tons of people are going and tons of bands are playing it's going to be excellent...
so my schedule next week. haha get ready for this it's wild:
Monday: off
Tuesday: i DID have 1-4 but kally called me and said people called out for morning shifts so she let me take a 7-3 on Friday and she took my 1-4...so tuesday i have off
Wednesday: off
Thursday: off
Friday: 7-3
Saturday: off
Sunday: 3-10
WOWEE thats too much i dont think i can handle that. i cant wait for my effing paycheck i may just be rolling in the dough.
its so hot right now. im going to go sit in my AC after this.
still feel like jelly. damn this nyquil.
and i live on pepto bismal.
peaces.
-------
picked up danielle
met billy/britt at blockbuster
took an hour and 398472 minutes to find movies we wanted.
rented frightmare and session 9
went back to billys house.
burned CDs for danielle from my CD collection.
fought with billy...real fights.
hung out with biggie and smalls.
ate pizza.
watched session 9.
i dont think we payed any attention we were talking/laughing too much.
Haley called! i love her!
went and met nicole at mcdonalds.
its so crazy to me that she drives.
i followed her home.
we said goodbye.
my parents are leaving for maine soon...its already 12:30...
work tomorrow 1-9
i have to.
no benefit concert...i cant keep screwing kim over like that.
oh well, i work with ainsley that's always fun.
goodbye.
N I K H O L E 87 (12:26:59 AM): Willay boy!
N I K H O L E 87 (12:27:02 AM): hey fatty boy!
------
i cannot take this. i am sick of waiting to see what life brings. i feel like i am linked to nothing; i have nothing to hold onto. once again im back to no sleep. i dont want to wake up, i dont want to wake up with that feeling in the pit of my stomach. i have said this time and time again. i dont want to dream anymore...because all my dreams remind me that reality blows, and the way i wish things could be, will clearly never be. i woke up crying this morning...dont know why???? im over emotional. i am scarred because overtime every little minor slip up causes me to hate myself and life even more. i take it out on people, i take it out on the people i care most about. I took it out on Paul. I make people feel like shit...i say things i shouldn't and in the heat of the moment; i mean it. im not afraid to say what is on my mind but sometimes i wish i was. i hate hurting people. but lately it's all i do. i dont know what is wrong with me.
i want to feel better. i want to not be angry all the time. i want to not get that feeling where my face gets hot and i cant breathe and my mind and heart race...i swear i am going to give myself a heartattack. I want people to not think of me as 'unfrieldly' or a 'bitch' because when you take the time to figure me out, you'll realize i am a totally different person inside then what i am on the outside.
all the tension has built up over the past few years. holding myself back from saying what is on my mind...letting people walk all over me, caring too much about everyone...i realize it's not worth it anymore. there is no happy medium. i need to fix myself. i dont know how to handle myself when i get angry. there is just one person who calms me down...and i even made them feel like they were a piece of shit the other night. i am sorry. i am sorry to everyone.
i am sorry that i have pushed you away. i will apologize before i open my mouth again because its likely the words are going to be full of anger and hatred towards someone else. im sorry....i dont know anymore.
i cant be alone anymore. sometimes i just want to fall asleep next to someone, so i feel like someone is there. someone who cares.
i want my life back. this is not who i am, i swear, and if you know me, you know that's true. please just dont give up on me. ive never given up on you.
i became way too emotional after that movie last night and i cried even while i was sleeping. i woke up and was crying.
i took too much nyquil last night and i feel like jelly..it sucks.
kally called me into work an hour early. but i get out at 5 instead which is still good.
im going to go now.
p.s. the friends dont need a vacation, they dont need a break from each other, they dont need therapy. they just fucking need each other. and that is what is not happening. i love you all.
Work was okay. real quick...only 3 hours. i love when people leave loads of dishes for me to do...because it gives me time to think. and like i said before, if it wasnt for coffee filters, id go insane. its like meditation when i sit there and pick them apart haha.
i guess im going to billys tonight to hang out with him and daniar and brita. that will make me feel better.
i came home and my parents just informed me that they were going to maine tonight. that's excellent.
i need holly to work for me tomorrow. is anyone else going to the michelle s. benefit concert? it will be a good time, definitely go...tons of people are going and tons of bands are playing it's going to be excellent...
so my schedule next week. haha get ready for this it's wild:
Monday: off
Tuesday: i DID have 1-4 but kally called me and said people called out for morning shifts so she let me take a 7-3 on Friday and she took my 1-4...so tuesday i have off
Wednesday: off
Thursday: off
Friday: 7-3
Saturday: off
Sunday: 3-10
WOWEE thats too much i dont think i can handle that. i cant wait for my effing paycheck i may just be rolling in the dough.
its so hot right now. im going to go sit in my AC after this.
still feel like jelly. damn this nyquil.
and i live on pepto bismal.
peaces.
-------
picked up danielle
met billy/britt at blockbuster
took an hour and 398472 minutes to find movies we wanted.
rented frightmare and session 9
went back to billys house.
burned CDs for danielle from my CD collection.
fought with billy...real fights.
hung out with biggie and smalls.
ate pizza.
watched session 9.
i dont think we payed any attention we were talking/laughing too much.
Haley called! i love her!
went and met nicole at mcdonalds.
its so crazy to me that she drives.
i followed her home.
we said goodbye.
my parents are leaving for maine soon...its already 12:30...
work tomorrow 1-9
i have to.
no benefit concert...i cant keep screwing kim over like that.
oh well, i work with ainsley that's always fun.
goodbye.
N I K H O L E 87 (12:26:59 AM): Willay boy!
N I K H O L E 87 (12:27:02 AM): hey fatty boy!
------
i cannot take this. i am sick of waiting to see what life brings. i feel like i am linked to nothing; i have nothing to hold onto. once again im back to no sleep. i dont want to wake up, i dont want to wake up with that feeling in the pit of my stomach. i have said this time and time again. i dont want to dream anymore...because all my dreams remind me that reality blows, and the way i wish things could be, will clearly never be. i woke up crying this morning...dont know why???? im over emotional. i am scarred because overtime every little minor slip up causes me to hate myself and life even more. i take it out on people, i take it out on the people i care most about. I took it out on Paul. I make people feel like shit...i say things i shouldn't and in the heat of the moment; i mean it. im not afraid to say what is on my mind but sometimes i wish i was. i hate hurting people. but lately it's all i do. i dont know what is wrong with me.
i want to feel better. i want to not be angry all the time. i want to not get that feeling where my face gets hot and i cant breathe and my mind and heart race...i swear i am going to give myself a heartattack. I want people to not think of me as 'unfrieldly' or a 'bitch' because when you take the time to figure me out, you'll realize i am a totally different person inside then what i am on the outside.
all the tension has built up over the past few years. holding myself back from saying what is on my mind...letting people walk all over me, caring too much about everyone...i realize it's not worth it anymore. there is no happy medium. i need to fix myself. i dont know how to handle myself when i get angry. there is just one person who calms me down...and i even made them feel like they were a piece of shit the other night. i am sorry. i am sorry to everyone.
i am sorry that i have pushed you away. i will apologize before i open my mouth again because its likely the words are going to be full of anger and hatred towards someone else. im sorry....i dont know anymore.
i cant be alone anymore. sometimes i just want to fall asleep next to someone, so i feel like someone is there. someone who cares.
i want my life back. this is not who i am, i swear, and if you know me, you know that's true. please just dont give up on me. ive never given up on you.