what next?

[yoamos]

its my last night here, in the house where everything started both with the girls and A., and also with my housemates, all the fights and dissapointments, in this room i talked to all of them and of you, i cried of sorrow and happiness... i am gonna miss this room and everything that happened here. it gave me happiness and sadness, but first of all it gave me warmth, a non-squicky "bed" and limitless internet with the modem right next to my bed. I also wrote most of my essays here and my dissertation. most importnat, i lived an entire year full of events, but that gave me nothing in the end. so dissapointed. with me first of all. second with the whole world. and third with me again. i am to blame for everything that i did and didnt do. they do expect me to grow up, but how do they want me to do that if i didnt knew i had to grow up?

i still want him. why cant i let go? is it because i dont want to, or because i know he is the one?