(no subject)
ugh this is fuckin terrible ... i get this feeling im not gonna get a minute of sleep tonight
i dont know why i just start worrying about every little thing... yet i cant really say i'm worried in the total sense of the word, because i don't think what i feel is that strong. its more of a discomfort, perhaps even minor paranoid delusion, but without the delusions..... how to explain.....
i dunno
i just get used to something and it fucks me up when it changes. which i guess is a pretty common problem for us humans so.... so what i guess
nah... im not worried about mike, i know that he's not gonna do me wrong. he's a good man. im mostly jealous i guess, that he's gonna be having much more fun than me - has been having more fun than me since he and james left my house earlier this evening. and im jealous of everyone who is gonna get to be hanging out with him while im gonna be stuck at work, then stuck waiting around for three hours til i can finally get on the train go up to bport and get to the venue and find him and squeeze him silly!!!!
theres the small fears of course... the small fear that he wont be excited to see me, the fear that his crazy ex girlfriend will find him, the fear that i wont be able to get in touch with him or james or any of our friends and that heather will ditch me and ill end up wandering around the place hours and hours by myself until giving up and taking the train back home defeated, the fear that some much sexier, much cooler chick will come along and effortlessly seduce him.......... they're completely illegitimate fears but i have them nonetheless.
there's some sadness, too, though. because i dont think im going to hear from him again tonight, even though i told him he could feel free to give me a call before he goes to sleep. he's probably not going to be trying to sleep til late, and he'll probably assume that i'll be asleep and not want to wake me up. which is sweet and all, but i feel like hearing his voice might help me relax a little so that i -can- actually go to sleep. ah well. maybe he will call me in the morning, and i guess i will just have to content myself to looking forward to that so i can be disappointed when he doesn't...........
sure i could call him, too, and maybe i will if i haven't fallen asleep by midnight. but for now i'd like to try not to. this is our first night away from each other in some time and i want to be able to handle it. i have never really felt a need to be that clingy girlfriend and i dont want to start now. i dont want him to interpret my loneliness as craziness. besides, it's just one night and it really shouldnt be a big deal. its not a big deal. even though it -kind of- is, in the long scheme of things, how big of a deal can it really be unless something fucked up happens? and for all intents and purposes nothing that fucked up should end up happening. at least i sure hope not!
so for now, im gonna try goin to sleep. my phone will be right next to me just in case he does call at any time i dont even care if its 3am and i just fell asleep two minutes before..... though in that case i would probably sleep through the ringer...... im just sayin, that for now i just want to try my hand at doing what i do, keepin calm and relaxed and just bein excited for tomorrow.
ah, tomorrow evening cant come quick enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: Eh. At least the cat's not being a complete DICK anymore. for now...
i dont know why i just start worrying about every little thing... yet i cant really say i'm worried in the total sense of the word, because i don't think what i feel is that strong. its more of a discomfort, perhaps even minor paranoid delusion, but without the delusions..... how to explain.....
i dunno
i just get used to something and it fucks me up when it changes. which i guess is a pretty common problem for us humans so.... so what i guess
nah... im not worried about mike, i know that he's not gonna do me wrong. he's a good man. im mostly jealous i guess, that he's gonna be having much more fun than me - has been having more fun than me since he and james left my house earlier this evening. and im jealous of everyone who is gonna get to be hanging out with him while im gonna be stuck at work, then stuck waiting around for three hours til i can finally get on the train go up to bport and get to the venue and find him and squeeze him silly!!!!
theres the small fears of course... the small fear that he wont be excited to see me, the fear that his crazy ex girlfriend will find him, the fear that i wont be able to get in touch with him or james or any of our friends and that heather will ditch me and ill end up wandering around the place hours and hours by myself until giving up and taking the train back home defeated, the fear that some much sexier, much cooler chick will come along and effortlessly seduce him.......... they're completely illegitimate fears but i have them nonetheless.
there's some sadness, too, though. because i dont think im going to hear from him again tonight, even though i told him he could feel free to give me a call before he goes to sleep. he's probably not going to be trying to sleep til late, and he'll probably assume that i'll be asleep and not want to wake me up. which is sweet and all, but i feel like hearing his voice might help me relax a little so that i -can- actually go to sleep. ah well. maybe he will call me in the morning, and i guess i will just have to content myself to looking forward to that so i can be disappointed when he doesn't...........
sure i could call him, too, and maybe i will if i haven't fallen asleep by midnight. but for now i'd like to try not to. this is our first night away from each other in some time and i want to be able to handle it. i have never really felt a need to be that clingy girlfriend and i dont want to start now. i dont want him to interpret my loneliness as craziness. besides, it's just one night and it really shouldnt be a big deal. its not a big deal. even though it -kind of- is, in the long scheme of things, how big of a deal can it really be unless something fucked up happens? and for all intents and purposes nothing that fucked up should end up happening. at least i sure hope not!
so for now, im gonna try goin to sleep. my phone will be right next to me just in case he does call at any time i dont even care if its 3am and i just fell asleep two minutes before..... though in that case i would probably sleep through the ringer...... im just sayin, that for now i just want to try my hand at doing what i do, keepin calm and relaxed and just bein excited for tomorrow.
ah, tomorrow evening cant come quick enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
current mood: Eh. At least the cat's not being a complete DICK anymore. for now...