(no subject)
but i am not indifferent, merely fifteen minutes later - if that much time has passed.
i may be indifferent towards a lot of things, but i digress - i feel a lot of ways. about many, many things.
to say i am emotional, however, seems like so much of an understatement that it's almost a misrepresentation. it feels like there's a whole lot more than just emotions in there, wherever it is that my life really comes from...
for a long time i have been obsessed with finding a meaning, seeking definition, answers to infinite questions. at least, that is how it appeared on the surface. but really i was not looking at all, and i was giving myself the answers that i wanted.
the difference now is that i ask the questions, but i do not seek a single answer - i want to hear them all.
in my own crazy way i feel like it gives me an advantage, a kind of spiritual bag of tricks.
and when i think about my inner and outer journeys up to this point, i can't help but feel exhilarated. about three years ago i was almost dead, but i chose to fight for survival. the experience itself was initially traumatic as fuck - sometimes the fear can still get triggered. but that was just how i learned to value my physical life. learning to value myself emotionally was a much harder test to pass.
but i did it. and now i'm learning how to love. real love. and i'm learning more and more about how much magic really is in this world, and how to use cynicism as a tool but not as a standard...
FUCK though, there's still so much that i have to work on. every day is a reminder that there is still so much further to go. but at least i feel like it's worth it. what more could i ask for?
i may be indifferent towards a lot of things, but i digress - i feel a lot of ways. about many, many things.
to say i am emotional, however, seems like so much of an understatement that it's almost a misrepresentation. it feels like there's a whole lot more than just emotions in there, wherever it is that my life really comes from...
for a long time i have been obsessed with finding a meaning, seeking definition, answers to infinite questions. at least, that is how it appeared on the surface. but really i was not looking at all, and i was giving myself the answers that i wanted.
the difference now is that i ask the questions, but i do not seek a single answer - i want to hear them all.
in my own crazy way i feel like it gives me an advantage, a kind of spiritual bag of tricks.
and when i think about my inner and outer journeys up to this point, i can't help but feel exhilarated. about three years ago i was almost dead, but i chose to fight for survival. the experience itself was initially traumatic as fuck - sometimes the fear can still get triggered. but that was just how i learned to value my physical life. learning to value myself emotionally was a much harder test to pass.
but i did it. and now i'm learning how to love. real love. and i'm learning more and more about how much magic really is in this world, and how to use cynicism as a tool but not as a standard...
FUCK though, there's still so much that i have to work on. every day is a reminder that there is still so much further to go. but at least i feel like it's worth it. what more could i ask for?