ER is no fun

[ynez_castillo]

Four and a half hours in the hospital today.

False alarm.

I'm scared.

I wish Darius was here.

My baby might be born on my birthday.

I'm glad he's not.

Maybe I'll go for that C-section after all. I can't remember the last time I saw my feet.

Comments

[kara_marie]

That will be so special, Ynez. If your baby comes on your bday.

[ynez_castillo]

It wasn't planned. But it is due the day after.

Probably better my on birthday than on April Fools Day.

Even better would be tomorrow.

[kara_marie]

Tucker's birthday is April Fools Day.

I'm going to bake him the most awesome cake.

/Random.

It will be amazing tho if your baby is born on your bday. Really beautiful.

[ynez_castillo]

Is Tucker back? I've been so out of touch.

I don't know what to think about my baby being born on my birthday really. But honestly, it could happen.

[kara_marie]

... No. He's been gone a long time. Disappeared.

All gone. Like Adhra likes to say about cookies.

I think that's AMAZING. Such a gift.

[ynez_castillo]

Oh. I'm sorry. I knew he was gone, I just thought... never mind.

[kara_marie]

No, sorry. I can see it might have been confusing. I don't think he can come back tho. He's been gone so long now. I think he's dead. Him and Warren. They lived very dangerous lives and had dangerous careers and stuff.

But it's still his birthday even if he's dead and he's my friend and he loved me and I'm not the most lovable person in the universe lets face it - most of the time I am impossible to really love. But he REALLY loved me and he liked me making him things so I think it's OK to make him one. I don't think there is ANYTHING wrong with that, Ynez. Nothing at all!

Do you have a birthing plan? Tell me all about it. <3

[ynez_castillo]

There's nothing wrong with it. I just got confused. That happens a lot in pregnancy, I've found. On top of that old head injury, too. I'm just slightly dazed most of the time these days

[kara_marie]

I think if I ever had another baby I'd go as high luxury as I could... but I understand what you're saying.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself tho, Ynez. If a C-section makes sense, just do it, you'll have so much time to suffer for your baby, make this bit as easy for you as you can.

I'm sorry you miss her. Sometimes you do just need someone to take care of bizness for you, don't you. To take the fighting Aunts to task and to say don't worry let me handle the details and you're a good girl and I love you and it will be OK.

[ynez_castillo]

And Bridget can handle a lot of that, she really can, but she doesn't love me like a family member would. Or can. Some things really all come down to blood, I think. I never used to understand it, but now I'm beginning to.

My father is completely useless in the middle of this. It's almost comical.

We'll all muddle through somehow. I'll probably have a c-section, I just don't want to admit it to myself yet.

[kara_marie]

I don't know much about that, Ynez.

You will absolutely make it through. And you do what you're comfortable with. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself.

[ynez_castillo]

I'm sorry, that was thoughtless of me to say. I spent so much time away from my family after I got married, and then after Carlos died I didn't want to come home and now I can't remember why. What was all that pain I put myself through?

I mean, I know what it was, but I'm still astonished by it all.

I guess that's what I'm sorting through. But that doesn't give me the right to not consider your feelings.

I think I'm okay as far as the self-pressure goes. I'm not really expecting some huge, transcendent experience. I mean, I am in a way, because hello, my baby will be here! But I don't think I'm romanticizing it. I'm also sort of delirious from sleeplessness and fatigue. Not that that's likely to change anytime in the next three or four years.

[kara_marie]

No, no. Don't be silly. It's fine. Blood is important... just sometimes they don't want you either. My feelings are A-OK. I know how things are.

Well I agree. It is a huge and transcendent experience. Totally. This is a big freaking deal!

[ynez_castillo]

It is a big freaking deal.

I hope I'm up to it. Sometimes I wonder if I really know what I'm doing. It's scary.

But the baby likes music, I can tell, so when it's cranky and twitchy, I put some old Vicente Fernandez on, or something equally cheesy, like ABBA, and it gets calmed right down.

I'm probably creating some sort of musical monster. But it will be fun.

[kara_marie]

Nearly there, Ynez. Then your fun will really begin ;-)