Craving something more...
Whenever I read Laura's blog, hear Chris talk about MPE, think about my Auntie Indranie...I lower my eyes. There's a longing in my heart to reach out to the less fortunate. There's an intense desire to help, to love, to comfort. But what have I been doing? Every day, I reside in my own familiar bubble. I enjoy my clean home, my nice clothes, my full fridge. I squander my time on trivial things. I avoid the gaze of the old man on the street.
And I am ashamed.
I want to be someone that Jesus would be proud of. I want to be able to connect with God's people - all of them. Young and old, passionate and downtrodden, friendly and unlovable. I want to say, "How can I do this? How can I make a difference?" but my heart convicts me. If I truly wanted to, I would find a way. I think I need to find a way...
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I've also been thinking about singleness lately. Quite a bit, actually. There are so many reminders around me that I am single, without a prospect in sight. People that I never expected to be in relationships are suddenly in relationships. People I love and care about tell me about people they love and care about. It feels to me like everyone is falling in love and pairing off, left and right. Of course, this socks me in the stomache with a smug "Hah! You're alone!" and runs off chortling gleefully. I wonder to myself, "Why not me? Where's -my- person, Lord? Am I unlovable? Unattractive? Too annoying? Too ignorant? Too immature? Are my standards too high? Even if I lowered them, would I still be alone?"
But I stand my ground. I refuse to falter. I believe that God has a special person in mind for me, and that in due time, He will open the doors of opportunity. I believe that I have worth and I am worth waiting for. I believe that my standards are not too high, but just high enough. I believe that he, whoever he is, is also worth waiting for. And so, I will wait.
I also believe that singleness is such a gift. Even now, I struggle to manage my time so that I can connect deeply and genuinely with each person that I love, and there just doesn't seem to be enough time as it is. I love how easy it is to spontaneously spend time with my girls and giggle about boys and share our hearts with each other. I love how easily I can joke around with the boys and learn how to be a good sister to them, without misunderstandings or bruised feelings getting in the way. I love how I am challenged to mature into a wife worth waiting for. I love how I am forced to rely on God to seek my worth and my beauty. Because ultimately, He is the only One I want to impress. He is the One I dress up for. He is the One I strive to please. He is the One I look to in my times of need. And He is the One who satisfies me, who blesses me beyond imagination, who holds me and inspires me and lifts me up.
He is the Ultimate Catch, and He has already captured my heart entirely.
He loves me so dearly, how much will He bless me with this man who, in all this world, is most compatible with me? And how worth the wait will he be?
I can't wait to find out.
And I am ashamed.
I want to be someone that Jesus would be proud of. I want to be able to connect with God's people - all of them. Young and old, passionate and downtrodden, friendly and unlovable. I want to say, "How can I do this? How can I make a difference?" but my heart convicts me. If I truly wanted to, I would find a way. I think I need to find a way...
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
I've also been thinking about singleness lately. Quite a bit, actually. There are so many reminders around me that I am single, without a prospect in sight. People that I never expected to be in relationships are suddenly in relationships. People I love and care about tell me about people they love and care about. It feels to me like everyone is falling in love and pairing off, left and right. Of course, this socks me in the stomache with a smug "Hah! You're alone!" and runs off chortling gleefully. I wonder to myself, "Why not me? Where's -my- person, Lord? Am I unlovable? Unattractive? Too annoying? Too ignorant? Too immature? Are my standards too high? Even if I lowered them, would I still be alone?"
But I stand my ground. I refuse to falter. I believe that God has a special person in mind for me, and that in due time, He will open the doors of opportunity. I believe that I have worth and I am worth waiting for. I believe that my standards are not too high, but just high enough. I believe that he, whoever he is, is also worth waiting for. And so, I will wait.
I also believe that singleness is such a gift. Even now, I struggle to manage my time so that I can connect deeply and genuinely with each person that I love, and there just doesn't seem to be enough time as it is. I love how easy it is to spontaneously spend time with my girls and giggle about boys and share our hearts with each other. I love how easily I can joke around with the boys and learn how to be a good sister to them, without misunderstandings or bruised feelings getting in the way. I love how I am challenged to mature into a wife worth waiting for. I love how I am forced to rely on God to seek my worth and my beauty. Because ultimately, He is the only One I want to impress. He is the One I dress up for. He is the One I strive to please. He is the One I look to in my times of need. And He is the One who satisfies me, who blesses me beyond imagination, who holds me and inspires me and lifts me up.
He is the Ultimate Catch, and He has already captured my heart entirely.
He loves me so dearly, how much will He bless me with this man who, in all this world, is most compatible with me? And how worth the wait will he be?
I can't wait to find out.