[fic][TVXQ] anaesthesia
TVXQ fic.
For the "we're the coolest kids / and we'll take what we can get" challenge though it really doesn't fit. If it's too off you can make me try again?
1300w approx.
Yoosu.
No warnings.
If there are typos/grammatical errors/truly fucked sentences, I blame proof-reading this late. But point them out to me and I'll (try to) sort them out.
Oh and I don't know what happened to Su. I really don't. ;-;
ANAESTHESIA
After a while you get used to the disorientation, the jetlag, the going to bed after sunrise and having lunch for breakfast. You get used to getting in a van, being driven you-don't-know-where and rocking up outside a recording studio not knowing whether it's an interview or just a performance (or both) until they usher you into a dressing room, give you a pep talk and show you what you're wearing. It becomes a little like watching your life flash before your eyes. The words come out as if they were already pre-recorded and you do exactly as you're supposed to. You wonder if the rest of them feel that way. Probably Changmin does, certainly Yunho does. You know Jaejoong does because you talked to him about it one night when you were still too high on the performance and the end-of-tour celebrations to sleep. But Junsu, you think that Junsu probably lives it all himself. Sure, he knows exactly who he's supposed to be and he is it, he does it with aplomb, but you somehow think he's in control behind the too loud laugh and too expressive face. He's alive, he's there and he's doing it.
You try your little acts of rebellion, little cracks in the façade. You make comments you shouldn't. Don't smile enthusiastically like you should. But, still, you don't feel like you're alive. You don't feel anything. It's like being under anaesthetic all the time, only feeling the needle when you wake up with your eyes aching from not enough sleep. Anaesthesia. You need a shock to the system. You need to get out of it. You need something but you've only got the few hours between here and there, a few hours in which to sleep and there's nowhere you can go. You've tried a lot of things to get rid of it, you've tried talking about it, you've tried ignoring it, you've tried not sleeping so you don't have to wake up feeling numb - as if it'd just wear off (it never does).
*
"How do you do it?" You ask. You're almost angry, almost mad that Junsu can cope and you can't. Why can't you just accept it? Just do it, it's your job. Make the most. Enjoy it while it lasts.
"What?" He's grinning as if it's a joke, as if you're about to say, 'manage to seem so stupid'.
"Stay happy?" Voice cracking. Tired. Broken.
"I'm not always happy. It's just a question of making do." You know the serious, business-like Junsu that hides inside Junsu, the Junsu you're seeing now, but you also know he really loves this. You know that Junsu still believes that doing this job is a real privilege.
"But it's so..." And you trail off. What do you expect Junsu to say? Junsu's lived every day of this, enjoyed most of them, and appreciated them all as part of some marvellous experience. Junsu isn't going to offer comfort. He'll just make you feel bad for not thinking every day is worth it. "I don't feel like I'm myself anymore. That's all."
It's dark outside and the apartment's pretty dark too, lit up by the table lamp. Junsu's cradling a hot mug in both his hands and you're leaning over his shoulder. You've just been smoking out of a back window and looking for stars.
"Being yourself is overrated." Junsu says, looking up at you with a smile. Probably not a real one. He's just trying to be reassuring. "They all tell you to do it but, in the end, no one likes it. It'd much easier to be someone else."
"I guess. But it's not that. It's just that I don't feel anything. I'm just reading lines, acting. I'd rather be myself and get hurt than be a projection of myself and not feel anything at all."
Junsu shrugs. Junsu used to hurt but he's over that now. He's passed it. Junsu feels a little like he's reaping the fruit of his pain, all the doubt and failure and uncertainty, so he can't let this not be worth it. After years of not being picked, this has to be worth it.
"Junsu..."
"Just think about everything you've done to get here. Think how hard you worked. All that's nothing if you don't pretend it's worth it."
"But I don't want to pretend, Junsu, I want-"
"You can't have everything and you can't say this is so bad. Just ask for a day off or something if you feel that run down. You could easily get someone to fill in for you on the radio and they could postpone the shoot on Friday if they had to."
"Junsu-"
"I'm going to bed now." He gets up and walks off with a bizarre spring in his step, as if he's happy or maybe just because he feels he has to put on a show.
You grab one of his wrists and then pull him in close to your chest. Maybe a little too close. His shoulders rise awkwardly and he brings his arms in between his torso and yours. The kiss is short-lived and you can almost see Junsu screwing up his face even though you've closed your eyes. You let go of him and he loosens up a little bit and just stands there looking at you. You kiss him again and he pushes you away a little too hard. He's never known how much power he has.
"Junsu-"
"Don't. You can't have everything. Don't."
"But-" One night, a couple of years ago, when you and Junsu were pretty drunk, he'd asked if he could kiss you. It wasn't much of a kiss and he'd been pretty embarrassed. He'd never explained himself. You'd figured it'd been a sort of practice or just so he could say to some girl he was crushing on (if they ever got together) that she wasn't his first kiss and do it with conviction. Something like that. But you'd never been sure.
"Leave me alone, Yoochun. I don't have any answers and I'm not going to let you fuck me just so you can 'feel' something or whatever it is you want. Leave me alone, I'm happy. I've got everything I want, OK? You should get used to settling for what you've got and what you can't have. It'll be easier to live with it that way."
And he leaves. Slips through into the dark room where Yunho and Changmin are already asleep - although it seems likely that, due to Junsu's voice, far too loud as ever, they won't be so asleep anymore. The last glimpse you get of Junsu is of him looking out at you as he closes the door.
You sit down at the table and drink a little from Junsu's lukewarm mug trying to summon a reaction. Trying on outrage and upset and ending up with nothing. You go to bed as the sun begins to crack the sky with pink fissures and sleep for two hours before they wake you up and bundle you into a van.
Half an hour finds you in make-up with everyone looking at you in that worried way they do. Everyone except Junsu who is, pointedly, not looking. You're doing jacket shots for the album. They'll airbrush out the shadows which the make-up couldn't hide later. You get a five minute break whilst management talk about something and Yunho comes over and says he's worried. You say it's nothing and Junsu looks awkwardly over from where he's talking to Changmin.
Later, you hold Junsu's hand and say you're sorry. He says that it's nothing. And it all goes back to normal until, one night, Junsu finds you smoking out of that same back window, takes the cigarette from your lips and lets it fall several storeys of clear night sky. Junsu, drunk enough from the album launch party that he puts his arm around your waist, and says he's always wanted to, only he's not scared anymore.
For the "we're the coolest kids / and we'll take what we can get" challenge though it really doesn't fit. If it's too off you can make me try again?
1300w approx.
Yoosu.
No warnings.
If there are typos/grammatical errors/truly fucked sentences, I blame proof-reading this late. But point them out to me and I'll (try to) sort them out.
Oh and I don't know what happened to Su. I really don't. ;-;
ANAESTHESIA
After a while you get used to the disorientation, the jetlag, the going to bed after sunrise and having lunch for breakfast. You get used to getting in a van, being driven you-don't-know-where and rocking up outside a recording studio not knowing whether it's an interview or just a performance (or both) until they usher you into a dressing room, give you a pep talk and show you what you're wearing. It becomes a little like watching your life flash before your eyes. The words come out as if they were already pre-recorded and you do exactly as you're supposed to. You wonder if the rest of them feel that way. Probably Changmin does, certainly Yunho does. You know Jaejoong does because you talked to him about it one night when you were still too high on the performance and the end-of-tour celebrations to sleep. But Junsu, you think that Junsu probably lives it all himself. Sure, he knows exactly who he's supposed to be and he is it, he does it with aplomb, but you somehow think he's in control behind the too loud laugh and too expressive face. He's alive, he's there and he's doing it.
You try your little acts of rebellion, little cracks in the façade. You make comments you shouldn't. Don't smile enthusiastically like you should. But, still, you don't feel like you're alive. You don't feel anything. It's like being under anaesthetic all the time, only feeling the needle when you wake up with your eyes aching from not enough sleep. Anaesthesia. You need a shock to the system. You need to get out of it. You need something but you've only got the few hours between here and there, a few hours in which to sleep and there's nowhere you can go. You've tried a lot of things to get rid of it, you've tried talking about it, you've tried ignoring it, you've tried not sleeping so you don't have to wake up feeling numb - as if it'd just wear off (it never does).
*
"How do you do it?" You ask. You're almost angry, almost mad that Junsu can cope and you can't. Why can't you just accept it? Just do it, it's your job. Make the most. Enjoy it while it lasts.
"What?" He's grinning as if it's a joke, as if you're about to say, 'manage to seem so stupid'.
"Stay happy?" Voice cracking. Tired. Broken.
"I'm not always happy. It's just a question of making do." You know the serious, business-like Junsu that hides inside Junsu, the Junsu you're seeing now, but you also know he really loves this. You know that Junsu still believes that doing this job is a real privilege.
"But it's so..." And you trail off. What do you expect Junsu to say? Junsu's lived every day of this, enjoyed most of them, and appreciated them all as part of some marvellous experience. Junsu isn't going to offer comfort. He'll just make you feel bad for not thinking every day is worth it. "I don't feel like I'm myself anymore. That's all."
It's dark outside and the apartment's pretty dark too, lit up by the table lamp. Junsu's cradling a hot mug in both his hands and you're leaning over his shoulder. You've just been smoking out of a back window and looking for stars.
"Being yourself is overrated." Junsu says, looking up at you with a smile. Probably not a real one. He's just trying to be reassuring. "They all tell you to do it but, in the end, no one likes it. It'd much easier to be someone else."
"I guess. But it's not that. It's just that I don't feel anything. I'm just reading lines, acting. I'd rather be myself and get hurt than be a projection of myself and not feel anything at all."
Junsu shrugs. Junsu used to hurt but he's over that now. He's passed it. Junsu feels a little like he's reaping the fruit of his pain, all the doubt and failure and uncertainty, so he can't let this not be worth it. After years of not being picked, this has to be worth it.
"Junsu..."
"Just think about everything you've done to get here. Think how hard you worked. All that's nothing if you don't pretend it's worth it."
"But I don't want to pretend, Junsu, I want-"
"You can't have everything and you can't say this is so bad. Just ask for a day off or something if you feel that run down. You could easily get someone to fill in for you on the radio and they could postpone the shoot on Friday if they had to."
"Junsu-"
"I'm going to bed now." He gets up and walks off with a bizarre spring in his step, as if he's happy or maybe just because he feels he has to put on a show.
You grab one of his wrists and then pull him in close to your chest. Maybe a little too close. His shoulders rise awkwardly and he brings his arms in between his torso and yours. The kiss is short-lived and you can almost see Junsu screwing up his face even though you've closed your eyes. You let go of him and he loosens up a little bit and just stands there looking at you. You kiss him again and he pushes you away a little too hard. He's never known how much power he has.
"Junsu-"
"Don't. You can't have everything. Don't."
"But-" One night, a couple of years ago, when you and Junsu were pretty drunk, he'd asked if he could kiss you. It wasn't much of a kiss and he'd been pretty embarrassed. He'd never explained himself. You'd figured it'd been a sort of practice or just so he could say to some girl he was crushing on (if they ever got together) that she wasn't his first kiss and do it with conviction. Something like that. But you'd never been sure.
"Leave me alone, Yoochun. I don't have any answers and I'm not going to let you fuck me just so you can 'feel' something or whatever it is you want. Leave me alone, I'm happy. I've got everything I want, OK? You should get used to settling for what you've got and what you can't have. It'll be easier to live with it that way."
And he leaves. Slips through into the dark room where Yunho and Changmin are already asleep - although it seems likely that, due to Junsu's voice, far too loud as ever, they won't be so asleep anymore. The last glimpse you get of Junsu is of him looking out at you as he closes the door.
You sit down at the table and drink a little from Junsu's lukewarm mug trying to summon a reaction. Trying on outrage and upset and ending up with nothing. You go to bed as the sun begins to crack the sky with pink fissures and sleep for two hours before they wake you up and bundle you into a van.
Half an hour finds you in make-up with everyone looking at you in that worried way they do. Everyone except Junsu who is, pointedly, not looking. You're doing jacket shots for the album. They'll airbrush out the shadows which the make-up couldn't hide later. You get a five minute break whilst management talk about something and Yunho comes over and says he's worried. You say it's nothing and Junsu looks awkwardly over from where he's talking to Changmin.
Later, you hold Junsu's hand and say you're sorry. He says that it's nothing. And it all goes back to normal until, one night, Junsu finds you smoking out of that same back window, takes the cigarette from your lips and lets it fall several storeys of clear night sky. Junsu, drunk enough from the album launch party that he puts his arm around your waist, and says he's always wanted to, only he's not scared anymore.