Slipping Out Of Touch - Dean, Ruby, (Sam )- PG- 13 - [1/1]
Title:Slipping Out Of Touch
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Ruby, implied Sam/Ruby
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no explicit pairing, no spoiler, a little speculation
Summary: “You once told me that you acted the way you did, because you still remembered how it feels to be human. That this was what was keeping you close to us, trying to help...”
“Well, what if it is the other way around with me?” he tried to explain.
“What if I still remember how it feels to be a demon? What then?”.
Author's Notes: Written in the same motif as (A Shell) Running On Hope (Dean/Ruby) and Hope In The Shape Of A Tear (Dean/Castiel)
~ English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
Lyrics: Out From Under - Red (there's a link in my sidebar)
Dedication:
[1]To Susi pasadora for her valuable help, proofreading this making sure it's not entirely crap and for her vast amounts of patience! *g*
[2] My new friends madpsychogirl, amyshaped. You guys are the cutest!
Crossposted at:sn-fic,supernaturalfic,spn-ruby,dean-ruby,moon-hunters,daysofthereaper,deanandruby,wincest-free,hurt-dean,dean-fic, spn-gen
Slipping Out Of Touch
{So tell me where were you
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn’t get out from under}
Dean was sitting on the bed, deep in thought and a beer in his hand.
All seemed peaceful around him, but everything inside him was racing. His skin felt feverish as if he were on fire and he nervously took a look towards the window of the motel room they were staying in this time.
He unbuttoned his shirt further and pressed the cold bottle against his forehead, hoping for some relief.
Then he heard a knock at the door. Maybe a little hesitant, maybe a little confident, he couldn’t tell which, the only thing he knew was that it felt familiar.
Not giving the beer out of his hand he stood up and walked to the door.
He looked through the peek hole and as soon as the image registered, he rolled his eyes.
“Ruby” he said opening the door.
She gave him a nod as she came in, her hands deep inside the pockets of her chocolate brown leather jacket.
“Are you here for Sam?” Dean asked taking his seat back on the bed that squeaked under his weight.
“No, Dean” she started turning her back at him, the lightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. “I am here for you, I just can’t seem to keep away from you”.
He just scoffed, glancing at her for a minute and then he took a sip out of his drink, taking his time answering her.
“He is taking a bath, he might take a while. Are you sure you want to wait?”.
The brunette turned to look at him, a smile quirking on her lips. “Yes, I am sure”.
“Fine” he said a little too abruptly.
If he wasn’t happy she was here, there was no reason to pretend that he was. Sam wasn’t here to glare at him.
“Want to sit?” he tried, taking another sip of his beer. “Want a beer?”
“No, I am good” she said again, the smile never leaving her face.
“Suit yourself” he barked at her.
They stood in silence for a few moments, looking back at each other and then around the room but not uttering a word, the sound of water running in the bathroom, the only sign that someone was indeed in this room.
“So what are you kids going to do tonight?” he asked, faking lack of concern.
Ruby returned his glare effortlessly. He obviously meant, “Will you screw or will you play demon?”
“Which answer would be more to your liking?” she asked cryptically.
“None” he admitted.
“Then why ask?” she replied crooking her eyebrow at him.
“I don’t know, I guess I am a masochist” he suggested leaning back into the bed after propping the pillows.
“Really? Funny,Dean, I was under the impression that you were a sadist” Ruby pierced him with her words.
Another hit below the belt.
It hurt him, but somehow he managed to grin.
“Maybe I am a little of both” he suggested, trying to act as if her words didn't mean a thing.
“Maybe” she conceded and proceeded to walk towards the window. Once there, she pulled the curtains and looked outside. She remained still for a few moments and Dean just watched her.
“I don’t understand how you can do it? How can you do it?”
Without turning to look at him, she replied “Do what? Sleep with Sam? Have you seen him naked?”
It was unclear whether she was joking or not like with everything that came out of her mouth.
“Ugh! You know what I mean. Pretend like it never happened”.
“Hell?” she whispered as if the mere sound of the word was enough to bring her back to the nightmare.
“Hell! ... Your life ending in ruins ... Everything! How can you be so calm?” he mouthed exasperated and immediately sat up on the bed.
“I don’t know. You do what you have to do to survive and never look back” Ruby said, her voice devoid of emotion, as if reciting an explanation she had tediously worked on beforehand, in case she was asked... By whom, Dean couldn't say.
“No matter the cost?” he asked hopefully.
“Sometimes the cost is too high. You have to remember who you are and what you stand for. How much you are willing to sacrifice” she uttered, still as colorless as ever.
Was she afraid that if she let her feelings show, she would cry?
“I see. And did YOU ever forget who you were?”
Dean knew he should probably let it go, but he couldn't. Heaven knew how hard he had tried to leave everything behind him and act like nothing had happened, at least as whatever had happened meant little compared to the general good he was trying to accomplish, the good he had already done.
For days, even weeks in a row he tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't. The screams of his victims and his own tears allowing him no rest, no peace of mind.
And yet there she was, fresh and calm, as if the centuries in Hell had left her unaffected.
{I took the fall
I took it all
Last night was just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Feel me in need
I finally broke in the pressure}
“Did YOU forget who you were?” he repeated.
“For a while...” she started, her voice trailing of as if bits and pieces were coming back to her like in a trance.
But then she shook her head, turning to look at him, her eyes black as the night outside.
She had retracted back into herself, her demon shell that kept her safe, out of the reach of human emotions that could wound her.
“Look, what is this? What do you want from me? Absolution? I cannot give that to you. Nobody can. You have to give it yourself”.
“Myself?” he sneered. “How can I give it myself? How can I, when I lay awake every night, my ears ringing from the screams- sometimes even my own- my skin itching from the blood of others. From the blood of those I maimed and it all feels sticky and horrible, the taste of copper and sulfur in my mouth?”.
For a whole minute she just stared at him, so motionless and seemingly uninterested that Dean thought she was only going to shrug.
A mere shrug for all the awfulness he was subjected to.
{Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
I reached for you}
It was a whole other minute before she decided to reply. “You will have to deal if you want to survive, otherwise this is going to drive you mad”. Her flat tone shocked him.
“Deal with it? Accept it and move on? I didn't just beat somebody up, Ruby, I tortured people. My own kind, again and again and again and again..” Dean pushed out unable to keep himself from sobbing, his last words drowning in the tide of tears he shed..
“How am I supposed to deal with this? Nobody understands. Sam would never understand. He doesn't know what it is to have the blood of so many on your hands.
How it feels to have butchered your own kind. He will never understand” he choked out, his breathing hard and heavy.
“You once told me that you acted the way you did, because you still remembered how it feels to be human. That this was what was keeping you close to us, trying to help...”
“Yes?”
Was she even there? Her eyes were focused on an invisible something on the wall behind him.
“Well, what if it is the other way around with me?” he tried to explain.
“What do you mean?” Ruby looked for him only for a second and then returned her stare on the wall.
“What if I still remember how it feels to be a demon? What then?”. The look in his eyes was unmistakeable.
If he ever was or had been vulnerable and completely transparent, that was it.
Understanding flashed in her eyes, but maybe it was only his desperation grasping at straws.
“Don’t kid yourself, Dean, you were never a demon. Not really!”
“Then what do you call what I was?” he persisted.
“A human in despair? An experiment maybe?”
“An experiment in what? In torture, like the movie?” he shook his head and stood up from the bed.
“How can you say that after everything I did? I was a demon in every sense of the word” he insisted. “I hurt people, I bled them and I said awful things to them and I laughed when they cried. What is it then that sets me apart from a demon?” he asked, tainted hope lingering in his voice.
“You think this is all what demons do? Do you have any idea how many twisted things we do to wreak the havoc we are taught to spread, to desire, to plan? Have you any idea how many unthinkable acts you have to commit to prove yourself?”
“Kill?”
“Kill?” she scoffed. “How many do you have in mind, Dean? Five? A Dozen? A hundred?”
He nodded.
“How about GENOCIDE, Dean? How does that sound? How about the bloody Apocalypse? And I stress bloody!” she shouted and then lowered her voice, glancing quickly at the bathroom door, behind which Sam was still showering.
“But, not all of you have killed so many” he protested, trying to make sense of this.
“You are right. We haven't. I haven't. So how high do you see me ascending in the hierarchy?”
“So is this what it's about? The number of lives you have taken, the number of souls you have tainted?
“It's always about the quantity” she bitterly accepted. “So” she snapped, “Where does that place you, Dean? How well or should I say bad, did you do?”
“Nothing can wash away the guilt for this” he struggled out. “Nothing I ever do will ever be enough to redeem me for this” he concluded.
“Is that why you hate me, Dean?”
“I don't hate you”. His voice came out muffled, as if coming from a place buried deep within him. It was barely audible.
“Yes you do. You want to vomit the minute you see me. Why?
Is it because I am a demon and by definition tricky and filthy or is it because I remind you of what you did, what you almost became?”
Realization sank in and Ruby finally understood Dean better than she had ever had before.
“It is because I remind you of hell, isn't it? Right from the start, even before you were dragged down under... You were already scared... Afraid...”
Dean lifted his hand to his face, cupping his mouth shortly, as if he needed to cover it so that he wouldn’t answer. He lowered his eyes instinctively.
“Yes” he whispered, the sound of his own voice sounding a hundred times louder to his ears.
“You remind me of everything vile and ugly I did. How I was found weak, how I gave in and gave up” he admitted.
“Don’t beat yourself about it. I would have done the same thing”. She suggested, a small taste of absolution and forgiveness.
“Did you?”
“No. I wasn’t that smart” she replied, withdrawing her eyes from his face.
“Then how? You said that you were human when the plague was big, that’s like hundreds of years ago. How did you last so long?”
“That wasn't the first time, you know. I escaped I mean...”
“You escaped more than once?” he uttered shocked. “How did you manage that? I tried too, but...”
“I am a nobody; You are Dean Winchester. There's always a bounty on your head. Nobody cares what happens to me”
He took a few steps towards her. For a moment there he felt as if he could hug her.
The pain was visible in her face. For the first time he saw her for who she truly was.
A tortured, desperate human who took it all one step further due to lack of guidance perhaps, or lack of love.
For a brief moment he wondered if she was ever happy as a human.
If she was ever happy as a demon.
Her host's face was flawless, but what she hid underneath was definitely fragmented and broken and in pieces.
In a sense she was almost like him. The same pain, the same tragedy, the same bad decisions and self-loathing guided them both into nothingness.
Their purpose and significance, their very soul even had slipped through the invisible cracks of their bodies and into nothingness and only love and hope could raise them. Raise them up from the ashes of their beings that stood in ruins...
“Don't” she threatened, stretching her right arm towards him, wiping her tears with the other hand.
“Don't touch me. You can't make it right, ok? You just can't! You can't take it back. So, don't even try!”
He recoiled, disgusted with himself. When he looked up at her and her black eyes, it was himself he was seeing.
His hands crimson-red, his mouth twisted into a sneer...
“I know, I know...” he repeated, lowering his eyes on the floor as he sat back on the bed.
She turned her back at him, fixing her glance on the bathroom door.
“Of all the people you tortured in Hell, I was the only one you actually enjoyed hurting, wasn't I?”
“Yes” he answered.
”Because it felt like I was doing it to myself, like I was finally getting what I deserved” he thought.
“That's what I thought”. Ruby replied and that was the last thing he heard her say before Sam got dressed and they both disappeared out the door and into the darkness.
{I took the fall
I took it all
Last night was just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Feel me in need
I finally broke in the pressure}
~Fin~
Comments found Here
Author: force-oblique
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: I don't own anything! :P
Characters/Pairings: Dean, Ruby, implied Sam/Ruby
Spoilers/Warnings: General fic - no explicit pairing, no spoiler, a little speculation
Summary: “You once told me that you acted the way you did, because you still remembered how it feels to be human. That this was what was keeping you close to us, trying to help...”
“Well, what if it is the other way around with me?” he tried to explain.
“What if I still remember how it feels to be a demon? What then?”.
Author's Notes: Written in the same motif as (A Shell) Running On Hope (Dean/Ruby) and Hope In The Shape Of A Tear (Dean/Castiel)
~ English is not my native language so excuse any crappiness and/or mistakes!
Lyrics: Out From Under - Red (there's a link in my sidebar)
Dedication:
[1]To Susi pasadora for her valuable help, proofreading this making sure it's not entirely crap and for her vast amounts of patience! *g*
[2] My new friends madpsychogirl, amyshaped. You guys are the cutest!
Crossposted at:sn-fic,supernaturalfic,spn-ruby,dean-ruby,moon-hunters,daysofthereaper,deanandruby,wincest-free,hurt-dean,dean-fic, spn-gen
Slipping Out Of Touch
{So tell me where were you
When everything fell down like thunder
I begged you to pull me through
I couldn’t get out from under}
Dean was sitting on the bed, deep in thought and a beer in his hand.
All seemed peaceful around him, but everything inside him was racing. His skin felt feverish as if he were on fire and he nervously took a look towards the window of the motel room they were staying in this time.
He unbuttoned his shirt further and pressed the cold bottle against his forehead, hoping for some relief.
Then he heard a knock at the door. Maybe a little hesitant, maybe a little confident, he couldn’t tell which, the only thing he knew was that it felt familiar.
Not giving the beer out of his hand he stood up and walked to the door.
He looked through the peek hole and as soon as the image registered, he rolled his eyes.
“Ruby” he said opening the door.
She gave him a nod as she came in, her hands deep inside the pockets of her chocolate brown leather jacket.
“Are you here for Sam?” Dean asked taking his seat back on the bed that squeaked under his weight.
“No, Dean” she started turning her back at him, the lightest hint of sarcasm in her voice. “I am here for you, I just can’t seem to keep away from you”.
He just scoffed, glancing at her for a minute and then he took a sip out of his drink, taking his time answering her.
“He is taking a bath, he might take a while. Are you sure you want to wait?”.
The brunette turned to look at him, a smile quirking on her lips. “Yes, I am sure”.
“Fine” he said a little too abruptly.
If he wasn’t happy she was here, there was no reason to pretend that he was. Sam wasn’t here to glare at him.
“Want to sit?” he tried, taking another sip of his beer. “Want a beer?”
“No, I am good” she said again, the smile never leaving her face.
“Suit yourself” he barked at her.
They stood in silence for a few moments, looking back at each other and then around the room but not uttering a word, the sound of water running in the bathroom, the only sign that someone was indeed in this room.
“So what are you kids going to do tonight?” he asked, faking lack of concern.
Ruby returned his glare effortlessly. He obviously meant, “Will you screw or will you play demon?”
“Which answer would be more to your liking?” she asked cryptically.
“None” he admitted.
“Then why ask?” she replied crooking her eyebrow at him.
“I don’t know, I guess I am a masochist” he suggested leaning back into the bed after propping the pillows.
“Really? Funny,Dean, I was under the impression that you were a sadist” Ruby pierced him with her words.
Another hit below the belt.
It hurt him, but somehow he managed to grin.
“Maybe I am a little of both” he suggested, trying to act as if her words didn't mean a thing.
“Maybe” she conceded and proceeded to walk towards the window. Once there, she pulled the curtains and looked outside. She remained still for a few moments and Dean just watched her.
“I don’t understand how you can do it? How can you do it?”
Without turning to look at him, she replied “Do what? Sleep with Sam? Have you seen him naked?”
It was unclear whether she was joking or not like with everything that came out of her mouth.
“Ugh! You know what I mean. Pretend like it never happened”.
“Hell?” she whispered as if the mere sound of the word was enough to bring her back to the nightmare.
“Hell! ... Your life ending in ruins ... Everything! How can you be so calm?” he mouthed exasperated and immediately sat up on the bed.
“I don’t know. You do what you have to do to survive and never look back” Ruby said, her voice devoid of emotion, as if reciting an explanation she had tediously worked on beforehand, in case she was asked... By whom, Dean couldn't say.
“No matter the cost?” he asked hopefully.
“Sometimes the cost is too high. You have to remember who you are and what you stand for. How much you are willing to sacrifice” she uttered, still as colorless as ever.
Was she afraid that if she let her feelings show, she would cry?
“I see. And did YOU ever forget who you were?”
Dean knew he should probably let it go, but he couldn't. Heaven knew how hard he had tried to leave everything behind him and act like nothing had happened, at least as whatever had happened meant little compared to the general good he was trying to accomplish, the good he had already done.
For days, even weeks in a row he tried to fall asleep, but he couldn't. The screams of his victims and his own tears allowing him no rest, no peace of mind.
And yet there she was, fresh and calm, as if the centuries in Hell had left her unaffected.
{I took the fall
I took it all
Last night was just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Feel me in need
I finally broke in the pressure}
“Did YOU forget who you were?” he repeated.
“For a while...” she started, her voice trailing of as if bits and pieces were coming back to her like in a trance.
But then she shook her head, turning to look at him, her eyes black as the night outside.
She had retracted back into herself, her demon shell that kept her safe, out of the reach of human emotions that could wound her.
“Look, what is this? What do you want from me? Absolution? I cannot give that to you. Nobody can. You have to give it yourself”.
“Myself?” he sneered. “How can I give it myself? How can I, when I lay awake every night, my ears ringing from the screams- sometimes even my own- my skin itching from the blood of others. From the blood of those I maimed and it all feels sticky and horrible, the taste of copper and sulfur in my mouth?”.
For a whole minute she just stared at him, so motionless and seemingly uninterested that Dean thought she was only going to shrug.
A mere shrug for all the awfulness he was subjected to.
{Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
The pressure broke me
Where were you?
I reached for you}
It was a whole other minute before she decided to reply. “You will have to deal if you want to survive, otherwise this is going to drive you mad”. Her flat tone shocked him.
“Deal with it? Accept it and move on? I didn't just beat somebody up, Ruby, I tortured people. My own kind, again and again and again and again..” Dean pushed out unable to keep himself from sobbing, his last words drowning in the tide of tears he shed..
“How am I supposed to deal with this? Nobody understands. Sam would never understand. He doesn't know what it is to have the blood of so many on your hands.
How it feels to have butchered your own kind. He will never understand” he choked out, his breathing hard and heavy.
“You once told me that you acted the way you did, because you still remembered how it feels to be human. That this was what was keeping you close to us, trying to help...”
“Yes?”
Was she even there? Her eyes were focused on an invisible something on the wall behind him.
“Well, what if it is the other way around with me?” he tried to explain.
“What do you mean?” Ruby looked for him only for a second and then returned her stare on the wall.
“What if I still remember how it feels to be a demon? What then?”. The look in his eyes was unmistakeable.
If he ever was or had been vulnerable and completely transparent, that was it.
Understanding flashed in her eyes, but maybe it was only his desperation grasping at straws.
“Don’t kid yourself, Dean, you were never a demon. Not really!”
“Then what do you call what I was?” he persisted.
“A human in despair? An experiment maybe?”
“An experiment in what? In torture, like the movie?” he shook his head and stood up from the bed.
“How can you say that after everything I did? I was a demon in every sense of the word” he insisted. “I hurt people, I bled them and I said awful things to them and I laughed when they cried. What is it then that sets me apart from a demon?” he asked, tainted hope lingering in his voice.
“You think this is all what demons do? Do you have any idea how many twisted things we do to wreak the havoc we are taught to spread, to desire, to plan? Have you any idea how many unthinkable acts you have to commit to prove yourself?”
“Kill?”
“Kill?” she scoffed. “How many do you have in mind, Dean? Five? A Dozen? A hundred?”
He nodded.
“How about GENOCIDE, Dean? How does that sound? How about the bloody Apocalypse? And I stress bloody!” she shouted and then lowered her voice, glancing quickly at the bathroom door, behind which Sam was still showering.
“But, not all of you have killed so many” he protested, trying to make sense of this.
“You are right. We haven't. I haven't. So how high do you see me ascending in the hierarchy?”
“So is this what it's about? The number of lives you have taken, the number of souls you have tainted?
“It's always about the quantity” she bitterly accepted. “So” she snapped, “Where does that place you, Dean? How well or should I say bad, did you do?”
“Nothing can wash away the guilt for this” he struggled out. “Nothing I ever do will ever be enough to redeem me for this” he concluded.
“Is that why you hate me, Dean?”
“I don't hate you”. His voice came out muffled, as if coming from a place buried deep within him. It was barely audible.
“Yes you do. You want to vomit the minute you see me. Why?
Is it because I am a demon and by definition tricky and filthy or is it because I remind you of what you did, what you almost became?”
Realization sank in and Ruby finally understood Dean better than she had ever had before.
“It is because I remind you of hell, isn't it? Right from the start, even before you were dragged down under... You were already scared... Afraid...”
Dean lifted his hand to his face, cupping his mouth shortly, as if he needed to cover it so that he wouldn’t answer. He lowered his eyes instinctively.
“Yes” he whispered, the sound of his own voice sounding a hundred times louder to his ears.
“You remind me of everything vile and ugly I did. How I was found weak, how I gave in and gave up” he admitted.
“Don’t beat yourself about it. I would have done the same thing”. She suggested, a small taste of absolution and forgiveness.
“Did you?”
“No. I wasn’t that smart” she replied, withdrawing her eyes from his face.
“Then how? You said that you were human when the plague was big, that’s like hundreds of years ago. How did you last so long?”
“That wasn't the first time, you know. I escaped I mean...”
“You escaped more than once?” he uttered shocked. “How did you manage that? I tried too, but...”
“I am a nobody; You are Dean Winchester. There's always a bounty on your head. Nobody cares what happens to me”
He took a few steps towards her. For a moment there he felt as if he could hug her.
The pain was visible in her face. For the first time he saw her for who she truly was.
A tortured, desperate human who took it all one step further due to lack of guidance perhaps, or lack of love.
For a brief moment he wondered if she was ever happy as a human.
If she was ever happy as a demon.
Her host's face was flawless, but what she hid underneath was definitely fragmented and broken and in pieces.
In a sense she was almost like him. The same pain, the same tragedy, the same bad decisions and self-loathing guided them both into nothingness.
Their purpose and significance, their very soul even had slipped through the invisible cracks of their bodies and into nothingness and only love and hope could raise them. Raise them up from the ashes of their beings that stood in ruins...
“Don't” she threatened, stretching her right arm towards him, wiping her tears with the other hand.
“Don't touch me. You can't make it right, ok? You just can't! You can't take it back. So, don't even try!”
He recoiled, disgusted with himself. When he looked up at her and her black eyes, it was himself he was seeing.
His hands crimson-red, his mouth twisted into a sneer...
“I know, I know...” he repeated, lowering his eyes on the floor as he sat back on the bed.
She turned her back at him, fixing her glance on the bathroom door.
“Of all the people you tortured in Hell, I was the only one you actually enjoyed hurting, wasn't I?”
“Yes” he answered.
”Because it felt like I was doing it to myself, like I was finally getting what I deserved” he thought.
“That's what I thought”. Ruby replied and that was the last thing he heard her say before Sam got dressed and they both disappeared out the door and into the darkness.
{I took the fall
I took it all
Last night was just an illusion
Cut me, I bleed
Feel me in need
I finally broke in the pressure}
~Fin~
Comments found Here