How do you tell your mother shes dying?
This is an entry I wasn't sure I was gonna make or not. But I'm sitting at work in the middle of the night and its all I can think about. Plus I suppose its helpful to write something down even if its only for me.
My mother is dying. Last week she was admitted to the hospital because she was yellow, weak and confused. They found her to have cirrhosis of the liver and discharged her. Many of us believe she was discharged too early but she has no insurance. She seemed to be doing well in the hospital but she rapidly declined after she left. On Monday her doctor asked everyone to meet with him at his office to tell us more. She has end-stage liver disease. There is no way to reverse it. His prognosis: 6 months to 1 year. My brother and I were the only ones prepared for it. Everyone else took it as quite a shock. We expected it. Devastating but not surprising.
After we received the news my brother and I went back to her house to visit her. I hadn't seen her since she had left the hospital the first time. What I saw shocked me. Wide, confused, yellow eyes stared up at me from a woman that looked 68 rather than 48. Barely able to talk and moving in slow motion she asked us what happened. Somehow, we had to explain to our mother she is dying. My brother did most of the talking. He's better at that than me. And we gave her as much hope as we could. We didn't once tell her "you're going to die" but explained to her the severity of her condition without trying to scare her. She cried and muttered weakly "I didn't know it was so bad." Every time we spoke to her it took her a two full minutes for her to answer. She'd spend most of her time staring downward and swaying in jerky movements trying to understand what we had said. But in the end she knew. We told her she has to do all the things the doctors tell her and to fight hard. And I told her she wont have to fight alone. We're all here to help her. After a while she wanted to go to bed so we helped her to bed. It took 15 minutes to get halfway down the hall. After that she had no more strength and we had to carry her the rest of the way.
Today I talked to my brother and found out her doctor had ordered her to be admitted back into the hospital so she can get the care she needs that she wasn't getting at home. So I headed straight over and helped load her in the car and I drove her there following my brother. She looked just as bad as yesterday. Maybe worse. When we got to the ER they put her in a room right away to start giving her care. She was very dehydrated and needed some fluids so they set up an IV. When the nurse (who was a very nice and gentle man) had to stick her with a needle she made the saddest pained face I've ever seen. Heres a woman who can barely talk and barely move and is barely aware of her surroundings. Twice they had to stick her. Once for IV and once for drawing blood for tests. It broke my heart so bad to see her make that face. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up and take her away from all the pain. But as the fluids got into her system you could actually see her becoming a little better. She was more awake and coherent. At one point she actually got frustrated and said "Why can't I talk??" We told she was actually doing much better than before. But we didn't tell her she was swelling a little in her belly which could be a bad sign.
The doctor said it will happen in one of two ways. Sudden internal bleeding which will be quick. Or she'll slip into a coma. We're worried the swelling is a sign of the bleeding. Her doctor showed up at the hospital and said she is "going down hill fast". He told us it was time to start discussing life support for when/if she needs it. Mom was always against the idea of being on life support.
Quite frankly we're hoping she makes is 6 days let alone 6 months. I would give anything in the world to just give her one more moment of happiness. Its tearing me to pieces thinking shes scared, alone and in pain. My brother and I are hoping when she goes it'll be the coma. I wont know more about how shes doing until tomorrow evening. I'm hoping the hospital can get her healthy enough to enjoy a few last moments. Her husband is speaking with a social worker to try and get her on Medicaid. I just want to see her smile once.
Katherine has been a godsend. I have to spend my days clear headed and try not to get too emotional so I can take care of mom. But at night its her shoulder I'm weeping on.
Katherine I love you so much. You remind me of my mother sometimes.
My mother is dying. Last week she was admitted to the hospital because she was yellow, weak and confused. They found her to have cirrhosis of the liver and discharged her. Many of us believe she was discharged too early but she has no insurance. She seemed to be doing well in the hospital but she rapidly declined after she left. On Monday her doctor asked everyone to meet with him at his office to tell us more. She has end-stage liver disease. There is no way to reverse it. His prognosis: 6 months to 1 year. My brother and I were the only ones prepared for it. Everyone else took it as quite a shock. We expected it. Devastating but not surprising.
After we received the news my brother and I went back to her house to visit her. I hadn't seen her since she had left the hospital the first time. What I saw shocked me. Wide, confused, yellow eyes stared up at me from a woman that looked 68 rather than 48. Barely able to talk and moving in slow motion she asked us what happened. Somehow, we had to explain to our mother she is dying. My brother did most of the talking. He's better at that than me. And we gave her as much hope as we could. We didn't once tell her "you're going to die" but explained to her the severity of her condition without trying to scare her. She cried and muttered weakly "I didn't know it was so bad." Every time we spoke to her it took her a two full minutes for her to answer. She'd spend most of her time staring downward and swaying in jerky movements trying to understand what we had said. But in the end she knew. We told her she has to do all the things the doctors tell her and to fight hard. And I told her she wont have to fight alone. We're all here to help her. After a while she wanted to go to bed so we helped her to bed. It took 15 minutes to get halfway down the hall. After that she had no more strength and we had to carry her the rest of the way.
Today I talked to my brother and found out her doctor had ordered her to be admitted back into the hospital so she can get the care she needs that she wasn't getting at home. So I headed straight over and helped load her in the car and I drove her there following my brother. She looked just as bad as yesterday. Maybe worse. When we got to the ER they put her in a room right away to start giving her care. She was very dehydrated and needed some fluids so they set up an IV. When the nurse (who was a very nice and gentle man) had to stick her with a needle she made the saddest pained face I've ever seen. Heres a woman who can barely talk and barely move and is barely aware of her surroundings. Twice they had to stick her. Once for IV and once for drawing blood for tests. It broke my heart so bad to see her make that face. I wanted nothing more than to scoop her up and take her away from all the pain. But as the fluids got into her system you could actually see her becoming a little better. She was more awake and coherent. At one point she actually got frustrated and said "Why can't I talk??" We told she was actually doing much better than before. But we didn't tell her she was swelling a little in her belly which could be a bad sign.
The doctor said it will happen in one of two ways. Sudden internal bleeding which will be quick. Or she'll slip into a coma. We're worried the swelling is a sign of the bleeding. Her doctor showed up at the hospital and said she is "going down hill fast". He told us it was time to start discussing life support for when/if she needs it. Mom was always against the idea of being on life support.
Quite frankly we're hoping she makes is 6 days let alone 6 months. I would give anything in the world to just give her one more moment of happiness. Its tearing me to pieces thinking shes scared, alone and in pain. My brother and I are hoping when she goes it'll be the coma. I wont know more about how shes doing until tomorrow evening. I'm hoping the hospital can get her healthy enough to enjoy a few last moments. Her husband is speaking with a social worker to try and get her on Medicaid. I just want to see her smile once.
Katherine has been a godsend. I have to spend my days clear headed and try not to get too emotional so I can take care of mom. But at night its her shoulder I'm weeping on.
Katherine I love you so much. You remind me of my mother sometimes.