The F word - Freedom!
Current music: Tomorrow never dies / 007
Yes. It’s very good. Eventually I had seen it, I was somewhere new again, but finally it, I was free. I had lived enough to instill in my mind, that what other people think is not the end of the world. It might sound simple, because people are just people, no person is better than the next one, not in a intimidating way, I still haven’t bothered figuring it all out, but I’ve always thought that where I am is special, the people are harder to explain, the landscape is not the one from the books, the combination of fear and awareness in the people I get to know is not easily explainable to the regular English speaking planet. It’s funny, using the word egocentric contradicts with my egocentrism. I can write a very long and regretful post about just that of course. Anyway, it was some maybe random maybe not random chain of events, not even events in the traditional reality world sense of “event”, just things happening in this never ending chapter of before real life. At some point I was just aware enough and had deconstructed enough to see things from outside enough, to know that there is no need to be too afraid of exposing people to what at least I suspect they fear handle. I am free to be me, and they don’t matter. Then the natural preceding thought was that nothing matters, nothing has a meaning, there is nothing to achieve, nothing to overcome, yet I remember somehow it all fitted in place. At that time more or less I started noticing more what is now obvious to me, lyrics, in songs with music I loved. What better time than that could have been to notice the good old song “Free” by Stevie Wonder. Seems silly to say it now, I feel that I am sounding silly, but do I? That’s actually exactly what I wanted to write about, I suspect sounding silly, to someone else. How good it is when you don’t care if you sound silly, because you know to yourself you’re not.
It always feels good coming home, realizing once again how good you are, how you were right all along, the music you like is the music they should like. The way you think is the way people should think, and if they don’t, they don’t matter. Being like you is what people should be striving for. Good thing I chose to use the word “you”. I’ve never needed anyone, I was feeling alright being so alone, what was I looking for elsewhere when I feel good being me. Yes, I’m alone, like duh.
How ironic or some word, that the same time I had been becoming free was the same time I cared so much about another brain’s perception of me. It’s not like before that time I didn’t know not to care, I did, that’s the whole point, but that was now a new level. So how weird that even when before all that, I had (had x 2?) known that what people think don’t matter, I mean, other people than the ones I had feared making handle things, and just when it all became stronger and included “those” as well, I could care so much and act so much like someone that fears loosing his chance. Looking backwards on that time, of more than a year ago, which seems like few days ago in a way, the freedom I had just gained was already doubtful. I had always known to be lucid, another subject for a post, and I’m emphasizing this because this is one of the main things having differentiated me from others, and I finally seemed to not behave lucid, I’m saying behave and seem, because I was still aware enough to know what I’m doing. But as you can see in the first post, I’ve eventually admitted or come to the conclusion that I was tired enough, after I tried instinctively to seek comfort in the same environment that had brought the tiredness on me. But that of course might be a lie. I had/have always been lucid or at least very aware and had no reason not to be, looking arrogantly on people, because the things they are blinded by, the things that attract them, are not the things that interest and attract me, or at least that blind me. I know better, I know there is better. I know to ask for better.
How much freedom is too much? Is there too much? Seems like immediately after gaining freedom, well, that significant freedom at least, I didn’t want it. Is it possible?
How great it is to not care who reads your posts and to write just what makes sense to you and not to anybody else.
Seems like time does its own (Hebrew?), cause the chain of events continued to this point now recently, where I keep talking about how things don’t matter, I have more freedom now and less worry about their fears just because of how things are, how people got tired or something, I’ve talked about it, check it (aw, “coastal freedom”, my mind is set now to connect supposedly “unconnected” things), than from thinking and experiencing all those things last year. It’s funny, because all this time, all I’ve been doing and being, is all based on how I had become significantly freer and behave more like the real me, and not like the me I just happened to have to pretend to be because of where I was born. All this year and more is all a consequence of that moment of gaining freedom, yet overall I’ve been busier caring about things than ever before. It’s like I have to remind myself of that freedom. I could see it in a dry way, connecting unconnected things only by a common word or by calculating 1+1 like many scientists philosophers and psychologists do, and see that I found freedom and imprisoned myself to protect myself from everything. But that wouldn’t make sense, because I am not afraid. So again, is it only tiredness? In fact, no, because I know I do care, tiredness may explain my behavior, but not the fact that I still do care, when thinking lucidly as well. Why didn’t I just enjoy my freedom? Is it instilled so hard in me to look for someone equal? No, is it instilled so deeply in us to seek approval? I know the human brain is not built to stay alone for too long.
Current music: Free / Stevie Wonder