how to sound like a film dick
I always like to bet on the Oscars. Last year, I went to a viewing party that had a pool where everybody put in a dollar and guessed the winners in every category. It was cool because the categories were weighted, so correctly guessing the best actress (which by the way went to the wrong person last year) is worth more than say, guessing which movie had the best sound mixing. But to my chagrin, the lowest-weighted categories happened to be my favorites: the short films. In fact, the shorts were relegated to mere tie-breakers, to be consulted only if all the other categories had not determined a winner. I have a theory theory that no-one cares about these categories because no-one knows enough about them to say something pretentious about them in front of others. For example, for sound mixing all you have to do is say “Well you know it always goes to the war movie,” in a knowing voice and everyone will nod and hum. So here’s my solution: I will provide pretentious things to say for the occasion of each of the animated and live-action shorts winning their respective categories, that will make your resident cinéaste bow in approval. Hopefully this will get everyone on board with what should be the most entertaining part of the program.
Animated
Lavatory - Lovestory: “Bravo, Russia. You made a mediocre NFB short.”
Oktapodi: “I’m not saying it necessarily should have been longer, but they really could have spent more time fleshing out the funny things an octopus could do in an action sequence. I mean, for a madcap two-minute comedy, I’m expecting more zaniness!”
La Maison En Petits Cubes: “I’m really relieved this won, because it means the people who voted actually sat down and watched all of the nominees.”
Presto: “Whatever. It wasn’t the best of the nominees, but this was a weak year for the category, and at least Pixar is trying to re-establish a market for this genre.”
This Way Up: “Seriously? I mean, it did some interesting things with texture, but...first Happy Feet and now this? It’s like the Academy doesn’t know what well-rendered 3D animation looks like.”
Live-Action
On The Line: “Hey, a German movie about surveillance? No kidding!”
The New Boy: “Not terribly well-acted or put together (seriously Ireland, do you have a decent sound mixer in your country?) but it was cute enough.”
Manon On The Asphalt: “Charming, lyrical, and so so French! And the Bob Dylan cover it revolves around makes it perfect for the cool kids.”
The Pig: “Most people won’t pick up on this, but it’s actually a really savvy pick by the Academy, going with a film that deals with a really sticky issue in Scandinavia without beating you over the head with it.”
Toyland: “I know it’s cliché to go with the Holocaust movie, but this was actually really well-crafted and managed to generate some serious emotion and suspense in a very compact time frame.”
Animated
Lavatory - Lovestory: “Bravo, Russia. You made a mediocre NFB short.”
Oktapodi: “I’m not saying it necessarily should have been longer, but they really could have spent more time fleshing out the funny things an octopus could do in an action sequence. I mean, for a madcap two-minute comedy, I’m expecting more zaniness!”
La Maison En Petits Cubes: “I’m really relieved this won, because it means the people who voted actually sat down and watched all of the nominees.”
Presto: “Whatever. It wasn’t the best of the nominees, but this was a weak year for the category, and at least Pixar is trying to re-establish a market for this genre.”
This Way Up: “Seriously? I mean, it did some interesting things with texture, but...first Happy Feet and now this? It’s like the Academy doesn’t know what well-rendered 3D animation looks like.”
Live-Action
On The Line: “Hey, a German movie about surveillance? No kidding!”
The New Boy: “Not terribly well-acted or put together (seriously Ireland, do you have a decent sound mixer in your country?) but it was cute enough.”
Manon On The Asphalt: “Charming, lyrical, and so so French! And the Bob Dylan cover it revolves around makes it perfect for the cool kids.”
The Pig: “Most people won’t pick up on this, but it’s actually a really savvy pick by the Academy, going with a film that deals with a really sticky issue in Scandinavia without beating you over the head with it.”
Toyland: “I know it’s cliché to go with the Holocaust movie, but this was actually really well-crafted and managed to generate some serious emotion and suspense in a very compact time frame.”