It's been a long time comin', but we here now.
I haven't blogged since forever ago, and that is mostly due to my lack of motivation and general interest in life, my apologies. I write this late at night, only just before hitting the hay, because of an issue that really has been bugging me for the past few days, as well as years.
People assume that my normal self is...how should I say... (certainly not bubbly) active, loud, and carefree. Actually, this is when I am very happy. It comes to a shock to others when I'm the complete opposite. And yes, sometimes it's due to feminine problems, but generally, it's just me. I am a broody, angsty person.
That's the thing that people have never really learnt about me. I'm overbearing, unintelligent, and precocious. Many don't believe me when I say I had literally no friends during most of primary school. This was not because I was a nerd or anything like that, but mostly because I didn't know how to communicate well and make friends with others. Really, the fault was on my part. I alienated others. I did not wish to participate, rather I preferred to watch. A habit I developed since before I was 4 (I have photos to prove it!), and something I still can't shake off today.
I was stuck between what I knew, and the culture I lived in - having only Chinese influences but having to mix with all Aussie-born kids. I was in limbo, and by myself. That's where I grew a love for daydreaming and being completely selfish - because if you didn't have any one else, who else should you care for? Year 5 onwards, I started to interact more with the female gender after years of the boys pitying my solitariness and inviting me to play. I was a bully. Not in the sense that I was a troublemaker or made people suicidal, but because I was (and am) a tyrannical being. I don't want to sound self-deprecating and I'm not trying to gain any attention from saying so, but it's true, I really do enjoy having control over doing things. Another habit I can't shake off. If I can't do it, you can't do it better, and if I'm not allowed to do it, I'm going on auto-pilot and you will not hear a peep out of me after my insists on doing something. Purely out of spite.
Truth is, I only started to be nice to people at the start of high school, because you'd have to be a moron to be a bitch to the people you'd have to see every day for the next 4ish years. It's a trait that has really stuck, and I'm thankful it has, because I've been able to meet so many different kinds of people. But lately, I've been thinking about the people I know, or at least, I think know. When I'm going through a rough patch, who has stuck by me and who hasn't? When school isn't there as a social medium, who actually attempts to make contact with me? I've made a mental list as to whom I think would actually stay friends with me, and whom is a true friend. Which ones are the ones who ask me what's wrong when I'm not very happy, and who are the ones don't know how to act like a friend?
When I look back at this blog, it's likely that I will laugh in embarrassment at having ever written this publicly, and will privatise it. But so far, it's the best way to vent out my thoughts without punching someone in the face.
Continuing on from this topic, I'm thinking of writing another ranting blog tomorrow. Maybe.
Postée via m.livejournal.com.
People assume that my normal self is...how should I say... (certainly not bubbly) active, loud, and carefree. Actually, this is when I am very happy. It comes to a shock to others when I'm the complete opposite. And yes, sometimes it's due to feminine problems, but generally, it's just me. I am a broody, angsty person.
That's the thing that people have never really learnt about me. I'm overbearing, unintelligent, and precocious. Many don't believe me when I say I had literally no friends during most of primary school. This was not because I was a nerd or anything like that, but mostly because I didn't know how to communicate well and make friends with others. Really, the fault was on my part. I alienated others. I did not wish to participate, rather I preferred to watch. A habit I developed since before I was 4 (I have photos to prove it!), and something I still can't shake off today.
I was stuck between what I knew, and the culture I lived in - having only Chinese influences but having to mix with all Aussie-born kids. I was in limbo, and by myself. That's where I grew a love for daydreaming and being completely selfish - because if you didn't have any one else, who else should you care for? Year 5 onwards, I started to interact more with the female gender after years of the boys pitying my solitariness and inviting me to play. I was a bully. Not in the sense that I was a troublemaker or made people suicidal, but because I was (and am) a tyrannical being. I don't want to sound self-deprecating and I'm not trying to gain any attention from saying so, but it's true, I really do enjoy having control over doing things. Another habit I can't shake off. If I can't do it, you can't do it better, and if I'm not allowed to do it, I'm going on auto-pilot and you will not hear a peep out of me after my insists on doing something. Purely out of spite.
Truth is, I only started to be nice to people at the start of high school, because you'd have to be a moron to be a bitch to the people you'd have to see every day for the next 4ish years. It's a trait that has really stuck, and I'm thankful it has, because I've been able to meet so many different kinds of people. But lately, I've been thinking about the people I know, or at least, I think know. When I'm going through a rough patch, who has stuck by me and who hasn't? When school isn't there as a social medium, who actually attempts to make contact with me? I've made a mental list as to whom I think would actually stay friends with me, and whom is a true friend. Which ones are the ones who ask me what's wrong when I'm not very happy, and who are the ones don't know how to act like a friend?
When I look back at this blog, it's likely that I will laugh in embarrassment at having ever written this publicly, and will privatise it. But so far, it's the best way to vent out my thoughts without punching someone in the face.
Continuing on from this topic, I'm thinking of writing another ranting blog tomorrow. Maybe.
Postée via m.livejournal.com.